This was no casual stroll. The subject was Roderick Jr., or Lil Rod for short. He wore a slick, really cool suit jacket over his totally ripped pre-pubescent body, and his pastimes included feeding peanut butter to dull the mouths of enemies (like Fred), brooding in his room dimly lit by a night light, and referring to himself in the third person. Today may well be his last, for you see, he was caught in a web of lies and deception. He had been trying to scout out the other factions, spot their weak points for the ideal shot from his Nyorf Super Mega Blaster Bullets. (They were only the toughest on the market. No big deal.) Concealed by underbrush, he peered through a ridged fence to the enemy base.
That’s when the stupid adult had to butt in.
“Excuse me, young man, do you know where I might find Mister Roderick? I seem to be turned around, and I have a very important appointment.”
A lady in business casual with a frizzle of hair and racing pupils fighting to regain composure. This wasn’t good. A civilian casualty would not sit well with the higher-ups. PLUS MY POSITION COULD BE COMPROMISED!
Rodger knew he had made no such appointment. Also, did the lady even notice the literal beast of a Nyorf weapon Lil Rod had in his hand?
“It’s Lil Rod to you, ma’am.”
She apologized for her gross misconduct, then the dashing hero went on to explain that Bernice McRando needed to leave as this was an emergency, a case of win or lose between warring factions.
And she agreed?
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“Exactly! The geopolitical situation is such that people are fighting each other, so thusly it stands to reason, we must leave our socioeconomic comforts by having a simple conversation. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone! We need a more conclusive apprehension of…”
Lil Rod shot a glance at the fence. The world was thrumming in his ear as he lifted his super deadly weapon. The lady’s voice got particularly loud at that moment, and he snapped back into the present.
“…So you must concur, right?”
“Um… lady, I dunno, but seriously—”
“You. Don’t. Know.” The lady enunciated each word with striking pause, proceeding to slap her forehead. “Oh, but of course! I can’t believe I never thought about it that way. That is an absolutely brilliant conclusion. It could put an end to interdisciplinary rays, hence reinstating the colloquialisms that just might end word hunger!!”
“Shhhh!” Lil Rod whisper-shouted.
“Oh my! How brilliant a statement on our…"
Movement in the bushes. It was too late.
From the top of the fence, two teens jumped toward the brave hero and crazy lady. Then Lil Rod bolted into action. Two, no three shots fired. Targets down. Casualties? Rod’s leg was shot with a rivaling Nyorf bullet. He held the totally real, not made-up leg wound, exhaling his many woes.
“A tragedy has befallen us!” The lady cried through chaotic pupils. “Valiant teacher, what did you do? What… do we do?”
“These are my Nyorf Super Mega Blaster Bullets with which I, the greatest spy, incapacitated them! And they are the enemy aMoNG uS!” Rod’s voice faded into short laughter until the bushes began to move once more. “I have endangered you far too much. Join me. Let us retreat to my secret base before—”
“Before the convergence captivates us, too! I know, right? And oh, how I cannot wait to witness the inner workings of your research!”
Thus, a strapping spy hero and a very confused civilian ran off into a majestic sunset, escaping the clutches of the warring factions. Some say the enemy must of got them. Others say the whole event was made up. (I’m talking to you, Fred.) But I think the dashing, brilliant, super awesome, and cool hero might have just saved the lady, escaped, and won the day.