Chapter 19: Resolve

Isolde pressed her body against Cassian’s as she held him in a tight embrace, her face buried in his neck. His hair was wet and she could smell the clean scent of him. Like herbs and black currant. Had he woke up, bathed, and come straight to her? She began to feel the heat inside her building. The tingling that went down, and down…

She released him when she realized; the intermixing of her feelings of how he hurt him and everything else making for a (insert metaphor). It is the heart that is most vulnerable to losing itself within itself, wanting disparate things with no regard for the wishes of the mind.

They were in her tent—a space shared with seven other people, but who were all out on patrol or on a mission. She thought Cassian meant to watch her sleep, as she sensed him just as he was sitting down on the neighboring bed. She’d jerked awake and immediately tackled him, her body moving on its own. Gareth had been there too, but after the hug showed no signs of ending so he could get in a word edgewise, he got in a word anyway.

“I’ll just leave you lovebirds to your reunion. I’ve got far less cringy things to do with my time.” Then he left. Isolde had barely noticed.

“I guess you spent a lot of time watching me sleep,” Cassian said, awkward after their long embrace. She noticed his face was flushed. Then again, so was hers.

“It was on Thorne’s orders. I think he didn’t want to spare manpower, and since Gareth and I are your friends…” She left the sentence hanging when she realized how Cassian was interpreting it.

“Oh.” He looked a bit dejected. Then smiled half heartedly. “That makes sense.”

She considered if she should correct him. He had hurt her before he saved her. But she couldn’t help it and told him the truth. “But I would have done it anyway no matter what anyone said. I think he knew that and just took the initiative.”

Cassian perked up at that. Why did he have to look so hopeful? Was he just glad she wasn’t mad at him anymore? But she was! Wasn’t she?

“Thanks again for saving me,” she said.

Cassian shook his head and he leaned forward, trying to put some sort of weight behind his words. “I would have died if you hadn’t pulled that thing off me when you did. As far as I’m concerned, that makes us even.”

No matter what he said, she couldn’t just accept that. Hadn’t she resolved not to need Cassian nor any man? She would have died without him. She didn’t care that she had saved him first. And yet, it made her happy he had. Was she mad?

She put those thoughts aside and asked him the question that really mattered. “Why did you do it?”

Gareth had already told her that he believed that the only reason Cassian had manifested the power to kill the chief of the spider monkeys was because of his desperate need to save her. His need had been so great that it had somehow left behind some powerful magic if it turned into that glowing tree outside.

Cassian’s face went quizzical, as if he didn’t understand why she had to ask because it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Because you’re important to me.”

Once again, his casual candor got to her. She wasn’t sure what she expected his answer to be. Maybe something along those lines, but not so embarrassing. Then she thought about his words and what he wasn’t saying.

“What am I to you, Cassian? I need to know. And—” she struggled, pushing past the insecurity she felt that wanted her to avoid the question. The question she had been avoiding all week for fear of not knowing what kind of answer he might give. “Why did you leave me back then, at the Moonlight Grove?”

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Cassian’s face twisted with guilt. He rubbed his forehead, jaw clenched as he searched for an answer. She knew then, with unwavering certainty that he meant to lie to her. He just hadn’t figured out how. She also could tell that it wasn’t out of any desire to deceive her. In fact, she had the strong sense that he wanted to tell her the truth, but for some reason she couldn’t fathom, he couldn’t.

Isolde stood and crossed the distance between them, putting her finger on his lips. He looked up at her with arched eyebrows. “Don’t lie to me. I’d rather not hear anything at all than some story, no matter how plausible you make it.”

He seemed to collapse into himself. She removed her finger and sat back down on the edge of her bed.

Cassian was silent for some time before she saw him come to a decision. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, but our relationship can’t be that way…”

The sentence hung open, his mouth holding the shape of the next word left unsaid, as if he wasn’t sure it was wise to let it out into the world for the danger it posed. He was about to say, “yet.”

Maybe something really was in the way. Some obstacle was important enough that even though he wanted her, he couldn’t let himself have her. What was it he couldn’t say? What was the nature of his secret?

“So where does that leave us?” Isolde asked. “You still haven’t told me what I am to you.”

His eyes were deep and fathomless as they met hers. “You’re…my precious friend.” He sighed, then smiled crookedly. Apparently, that was all she was going to get. In the end, it was all she wanted for now. At least until Cassian figured himself out, and whatever secret he was keeping.

She held out a hand. “Alright then. Friends.”

He took her hand, and she felt the warmth of his touch seep into her, once again sparking the tingling that coursed through her like hot rain. It only got worse when he pulled her into an embrace. She stiffened, confused. Hadn’t he just said he just wanted to be friends?

Then again, friends hugged, right? Given the harrowing experience they had shared together, it wouldn’t be out of place if she just let herself melt into his arms for just a moment. She relaxed, wrapping her arms around his waist and letting that heat spread wherever it wished.

After he left so she could go back to sleep, despite her protestations that she wasn’t tired—even though she was exhausted after her ten hour shift watching over him—she lay in bed, unable to sleep. She thought about the past few days, and her thoughts inexorably returned to the recent desperate battle. She could still feel those fangs sink into her throat, hear the horrible piercing and tearing sound as the creature’s jaws clamped and cut through something vital. The pain had been immeasurable, the worst she’d felt in her whole life. She remembered the hot blood that spurted from her when Cassian pulled the beast off her, like a hole in a water barrel. She could feel it was a mortal wound. Hadknown she would die; and she'd been afraid.

Isolde remembered Cassian’s horrified face as he pulled her weak hand away from her mangled neck, his desperation as he replaced it with his own. She would die looking up at a person she cared for, her last interactions with him having been so cold and full of spite. In her final moments, she regretted that.

Yet, somehow she had lived. Cassian had performed a miracle. Even advanced healers would struggle to close an injury that severe before she died from blood loss.

She touched her neck, where not even a scar remained. Where had Cassian gotten that power, when as long as she’d known him he’d struggled so much casing even the simplest spells?

A part of her was happy it was Cassian who saved her life. She was someone who he considered important to him. She was infinitely grateful. But, she also felt frustrated she had needed to be rescued in the first place.

Thoughts of her neck being torn out returned once again and she began to shake. She grit her teeth and dug her nails into her palms. It had been happening the last few days at odd times. Ironically, it was her frustration and anger at being weak that helped her get through it. Hadn’t she resolved to be strong? To live up to the faith her father had in her when he praised her for coming so far in her training? Her skills in the Royal Sepharian Serpent style were one of the things that she had always been proud of, even when living amidst a society that shunned her for who she was to the point that she had become a meekling. Finally, the shaking passed.

She had to become stronger. She would become stronger. Not even death would weaken her resolve.

When he left her to go back to sleep, she protested, but in truth she was exhausted after a ten hour shift at Cassian's bedside, she soon gave in after he insisted that he needed to go to a meeting with the research team who wanted to drill him some more about 'Cassian's Tree', a name for which Cassian had shown nothing but mortification and disdain.