Chapter 15 Isolde

When Isolde first met Cassian, she thought he would be just another in a line of jerks who hated her for who she was and where her family came from.

Professor Lyra, someone who she had had only minimal interactions with, had selected her of all people to serve as a guide to the new student. Why her?

The professor had said it was more than just her grades. She said she had a feeling that Isolde could use a friend. If she tried to make friends with Cassian, she might be surprised.

There was nothing special about the new student. Well, that wasn’t true. Cassian had a peculiar way of looking at things. Literally. He was always distracted by the things around him. He often gaped in awe at normal everyday things. In fact, he reminded her of a snow elf from Faerie she had met once. One who had only just crossed into the core plane for the first time and couldn’t get enough of the city. He too had looked at everything around him with that same sense of awe. Everything seemed to interest and excite Cassian. But, most importantly to her, when he looked at her and saw her eyes for the first time, there was none of the recoil that she was familiar with; nor fear, nor hate. He looked at her like he looked at everything else. With a sense of awe. The first thing he said when he saw her eyes was “Pretty eyes.” She didn’t think he was even talking to her. Just saying out loud something obvious he just noticed. (There was no way for Isolde to know that given how strange and novel everything in Sonaris was, what was any stranger about someone with sand colored skin and pair of snakelike eyes?)

All her life Isolde had avoided most people. It had been bad when she was in basic school, before her mother pulled her out and decided it was best if she was taught at home. But it had been worse at the academy. Everyone saw her as a potential enemy. Someone who didn’t belong. The ghost of Eldara’s war with Seraphis was still in the collective consciousness of the people. No matter how much her family had contributed to their well being over the years. It got especially worse after her father was arrested.

Not long after serving as Cassian’s guide, the bullying had stopped. She noticed it most after Cassian punched Darian, one of the worst bullies. Someone she hated more than she felt she ought to hate a person. Cassian had defended her without a second thought, and without a care for the consequences. Not even considering that Darian and his family might retaliate against him.

She guessed that people saw that, despite his weakness in magic, Cassian was not afraid to use violence in his or her defense. There was a little bit of tension after that. But shortly after Cassian and Gareth became friends, the tensions seemed to ease. As if people acknowledge that no one who Gareth acknowledged could be so bad.

Around that time, she noticed things she hadn’t before. Cassian was always casually considerate toward her. It was just a part of his nature. He helped her carry books when she made the mistake of bringing too many and left her backpack in her dorm. He held the door for her whenever he could. He paid her compliments without thinking, but always genuine. Like he wasn’t just saying something to say it. He just said it because he meant it.

She worried that Gareth would take away someone she was just starting to consider a friend. So she accepted the invitation to go to the private party, despite everything on her insides screaming that it was a bad idea. That she would only be ridiculed and hated by Gareth and his friends. She put on her best ‘this is normal’ act, and went anyway. Then, everything had gone so differently than she expected.

“I don’t believe your father is a traitor. I just wanted you to know that”

That’s what Gareth had said. It surprised her to no end. It also surprised her that everyone at Gareth’s party was accepting of her. They just saw her as one of their people. The kind who don’t much care about stereotypes and social norms. Interspecies romance, that’s alright. You’re a Sunnite? No big deal so long as you’re respectful of Lunars. Everyone just accepted each other.

When Cassian asked her to dance, things really changed for her. When they danced, she became aware of everything she’d seen all at once. She realized that for some time, her mind had been filled with thoughts of him. She became aware that she felt warm whenever she thought of him. When the warmth of his body pressed against hers for the first time, she felt a heat inside that she’d never felt before. Something hot in the core of her, and in the secret places that only she had ever touched. She found herself wishing that he would put her hands on her and… She resolved right then and there to do something about it. The strength of her resolve surprised her. But it didn’t waver. She would find a way to show him the depth of her feelings.

They spent more time with each other. It was difficult to convince him at first, but then she discovered that he was just embarrassed about not having any money. Gareth generously became Cassian’s benefactor, and while that seemed to mortify Cassian, it became easier for her to spend time with him. Albeit, Gareth was always around too, but that wasn’t so bad.

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Her thoughts began to fill more and more with Cassian. She liked it that the specter of her father’s imprisonment, the thing that often haunted her thoughts and dreams, were slowly being replaced with something warm and pleasant. And in the evening before sleep, with something hot—an ache between her legs that only grew no matter how she tried to temper its fire on her own. The feel of his body on hers, she wanted to feel it again.

She defied her father’s exhortation that she not reveal her fighting abilities too early in her academic career—and perhaps not at all except whenever her life was in danger. With Gareth’s help, she got herself on Cassian’s expedition.

The headmaster's death had been a wrinkle in her plan.

Isolde hadn’t really felt particularly strong about the man. Though she saw him around from time to time, they had only met once, shortly after enrolling in the academy, when the scandal of her father's arrest was like a freshly cut flower, and something that people gossiped about loud enough when she passed, that she couldn’t turn a corner in the halls without being reminded of her father’s misfortune. “Traitor’s daughter.” That’s what people saw. Not just a Seraphian, but one whose family was disloyal to Eldara, just as everyone predicted.

During their meeting, the headmaster had assured her that he would do everything in his power so that the incident with her father would not come back to her. He insisted that any and all discrimination that she felt should be reported to him immediately. She had thought it an empty gesture. She hadn't believed him and so never took him up on his offer. Maybe she should have. Given all the good things people said about him, maybe he would have been a good person to turn to.

When she learned of the upcoming lunar eclipse, knowing what kind of rituals the Lunars liked to engage in under the pink moon—she saw an opportunity. That pink moon, that under the right circumstances heightened one's senses and lowered inhibitions…That moon could be the last push she needed. To overcome her own shyness so she could show Cassian how she felt about him.

Isolde decided that she must convince Cassian to take her. So she devised a plan. She would employ Gareth's talents for her use once more.

Cassian was truly oblivious. How could he have lived in Eldara and not known what happens when a Lunar celebrates a lunar eclipse? At any rate, Gareth concocted a plan, which turned out to be very simple. He just told Cassian to go.

Then Cassian had invited her just like that! No need to cajole, trick or convince.

Her body trembled. Her eyes flooded and spilled hot tears onto her pillow. Even now, knowing that she had been so naive, despairing that she had no idea what she had done wrong, angry at Cassian for abandoning her, leaving her naked and alone, exposed for all to see her rejection.

It was unforgivable.

First she had gone to see Gareth. Maybe he could explain what happened. What she did wrong. In the end she had just cried and he had just listened, ignoring his typical hospitality for the guests he was hosting at his apartment so he could comfort her.

But she hadn’t gotten any answers. Now she was in bed. She would probably keep crying past dawn, which wasn’t more than an hour away.

She could still taste Cassian. Feel his fingers inside her. Feel his lips’ caress and the way their bodies felt pressed together. The heat in her secret place returned for a moment, then faded and rose into her stomach, transforming into disgust. She was disgusted with herself. She was undesirable. She was stupid. She wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t worthy of him.

No…

No. No. No!

Her mother’s voice…she could hear her, just as clearly as if she was standing there, whispering in her ear. She thought perhaps it was a remnant of the moonsnow, which was known to have a hallucinogenic effect on some people, and which the Lunars believed were the visions of the goddess herself. But as the words became clear. She decided it didn’t matter. It was her mother’s voice.

“You have always been and shall always be beautiful, strong, and worthy. Never let anyone tell you differently. Never accept the words or hate of another person, and drink it in as your own. Others may hurt you, but it is always your choice to swallow the pain and make it part of you—or to spit it out and hold your head up high.”

Yes. That was right. She didn’t know if there was any explanation Cassian could give that would make things right. Maybe he had reasons to leave her there that had nothing to do with her.

Whether it was because of her, or because of something else. It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t internalize her thoughts.

Instead, she would quit being naive. She wouldn’t crumble because of a man. She would replace thoughts of him with thoughts of her future. What she had to do. With becoming stronger.

Maybe things with Cassian would work themselves out. Maybe they wouldn’t.

This thought pained her. There was no way to abandon her feelings all of a sudden. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to.

Regardless, she needed to reorient her priorities. Right now, she didn’t know what those were. But if she knew one thing, it was that it was a priority to figure them out.