Hey there journal, it's been awhile since I last wrote to you. I just need someone to bounce my thoughts off of that I feel safe with. I got too many trust issues. 

Travis...

Winter time at 7 years old...

Let's start with stroking my ego abit before getting into the depressing thoughts. I remember saving a persons life as a kid, and could've killed my self and the person I was helping during that day when I was 7 years old. I went to a frozen lake to play on the ice with two of my friends, Alex and Ed, Ed's dad, and Ed's sister was there. The also brought their dog which Ed's sister followed around grasping at the dog's tail and playing fetch with a tree branch. The dog running all over the frozen lake's surface caused Ed's sister, who was chasing the dog, to suddenly fall into a hole at a fragile spot in the ice.

While playing on the ice for about ten minutes we all heard a scream, looked around, then noticed a hole in the ice. Ed is tearing up at thinking he is about to lose his sister, the dad is gripping tightly at the sides of his face in dismay. After seeing that, I jogged to the edge of the hole, slid down and gripped my feet on the sides of the hole, pulling and pushing Ed's sister out of the hole. Alex keeping close behind, helped me by pulling Ed's sister out of the hole in the ice. As she leaves the hole, a chunk of the ice collapses. My leg dips in to the pitch black water up to my knee as I adjust myself to better climb out of a slowly collapsing situation. Then as I got a decent grip on the edges, I tense my body and did a small leap to get my top half over the edge, then pull myself out. After leaving the hole behind with a wet boot, Ed and his family hug me close. They thank me and Alex for being there to help. After that day, we never went out to play on the ice again. But when looking back, I feel proud that I saved a person as a kid.

*****Age range 3 to 8 years old

Ok, now that I feel good, let's touch something uncomfortable for me. When growing up everything was apparently my fault for one reason or another. My fault for when anything gets lost in a large family household. It's my fault whenever there was a mess. My fault whenever anybody is hurt or is being rude to me.

Because of those experiences I picked up afew weird quirks, mimicking people to try to prove my innocence. Writing down recent events that happen to prove my innocence. Finally, just apologizing for everything, be it my fault, or the other person, just to move on with life.

*****Bully recruit event at 6 years old

Now then, because of this early oppression, I learned bad and good skills. I learned to search for other troubled individuals, and make them my friend through humour. Then searched out bullied people and started a group with them. Then finally taking revenge on the bullies with the gathered group by giving  each kid a rock they can fight with, but had each one practice hitting the playground equipment to be ready for the real thing. By the time we beat up all the bullies and got suspended. I had to move on to a different school.

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I lost my leadership, I lost my confidence, I lost my new group of friends, I cried as I am introduced to my new class and curl up under the desk to try to run away from the great lost I was feeling. It was to the point where I didn't want to interact with anybody anymore until I met Simon. The teachers decided to treat me as a disabled kid, and left me beside Simon. Simon didn't know how to talk but communicated through his actions. 

He tried to constantly get my attention, then smiled like crazy and got very hyper when ever I looked at him. I tried to ignore him for three days until I gave up from being bored of doing nothing. So I finally started to play toys with Simon. He would always be the character that wants to be rescued, and throws himself into perilous situations. Then he waits in excitement, wondering how I would save him. He sparked my imagination like crazy and I wanted to impress more and more with the ways we were playing.

After two months, he stopped coming to class, so I asked the teachers when Simon was coming back. They told me he went to heaven, and is now able to talk normally over there.

  I thought that was so cool, now we can do more things together, and wondered when he was coming back from heaven to play with me again, I really enjoyed rescuing him. They told me that he doesn't need anymore rescuing, he moved far away to heaven and is happy there. So, not understanding that Simon passed away, I asked my parents if I can go meet Simon in heaven. They told me, one day you will.

*****Simon passed away before I was 7 years old

Ever since those moments in my life I became very emotional and sensitive. Constantly being bullied by my brother and sister. My brother wrestling me into submission, my sister saying hurtful things and making messes on purpose to blame me, then I clean up her mess, after screaming at her for lying so many times, thus being called spaz a lot...

I've become depressed. My mother hating me when I don't respond fast enough or clean well enough. My dad beating me whenever I tell him to practice what he preaches and that I am his son, not his slave. I attempted suicide a couple times from 9 years old to 12 years old.(Just going to assume many other people has gone through the same as me...)

*****age range 5 to 14 years old

From switching schools every three months since kindergarten, I stopped caring about making friends, I stopped caring about how unfair everything was. My grandma loved to hear me complain about how unfair everything was, I made my best friend from sharing similar complaints. My best friend Adam.

We constantly shared how we hate everyone, wished that they would all leave us alone. Everyone is just sadistic constantly. Finally after reaching high school with my odd group of friends.

I created activities for us to play, our favourite being called hunters. One person starts off as "IT" then walks slowly to tag you and becomes "IT" too. We all walk around different parts of the high school trying to avoid each other or pair up with each other when knowing one is not "IT".  People kept thinking we were chasing each other down to fight, it was hilarious.

*****14 years old

After these fun games I received my first Valentines from girl, not a "pity", or "everybody gets one" deal I got most of my life. Let me just say, my sister caused me to hate the opposite gender. But this girl, Alyssa changed my mind, she made me realize I don't have to be cautious with everyone. That she wasn't there to use me like most of my friends except Adam. She was my first close female friend that I had a crush on for a very long time.

As time went on, friends passed away from accidents, or move away and lose contact. I think about all my old contacts once in awhile. I don't want to spend time with them though, I am scared the good relationships aren't there anymore. I still like to consider them as good people, even though one became a hardcore methdealer then passed away...

I am afraid of being manipulated, for I am naive most of the time which in the end burdens me with stress. All of these events keep coming back every once in awhile.

I hope to write to you again journal.