Hello once more Journal,

Sometimes I disappoint myself with opportunities that I miss out on. My romance life takes the biggest hit of course, and yet I feel renergized every time I clean for a weird reason. I hate tidying up, but love it when I do.

When I was around 4 to 8 years old, I would constantly be proud of how organized and tidy I was with all my stuff. Especially with how my family moved from one place to another every couple months, during my younger years. Sure I developed social awkwardness due to moving a lot. At least the positive is when I start cleaning, I become unstoppable until I'm done.

The most frustrating thing is when my siblings constantly messed with my stuff just to get a reaction out of me until one day, I just had to stop caring that my stuff was not in their proper places. It got to the point my family would have to clean up after me instead for a month, it got me quite depressed. Being a kid with a severe case of depression due to the unkind nature of my siblings and arms length friends, I ended up hating being organized and hating being around people.

My mother being concerned with my hatred, started to try to baby me finally after forcing me to take the blame of my siblings for the longest time, she decided she would start taking side of things... but at this point I was far too cycnical to take anything as good natured from anyone. The only things bags I truly trusted were my toys, Television, and animals(but not bears...).

I was hating everything with such passion that it became a hobby that attracted like minded friends. Constantly going on how we would torture people if we had the power to do so, but never enacting on those thoughts and ideas. What really changed my level of hate was when I did nice things for the elderly and the told me how much they appreciated it and fed me their food around the neighborhood's I walked around in.

The nice things was just water their lawn, hanging out with their cat or dog, sweeping their floors and mopping their floors. Nothing too hard to do, and I found joy in doing. I had to stop looking for strangers to barge into their homes looking for food one day when, a cranky old man who's wife just passed away, and didn't want my help anymore. Went to my home with me to tell my mom she needs to look better after me and feed me more.

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I have not gone into any homes where I sensed with my gut something bad is gonna happen, since my home life was already at it worst, I trusted my gut feelings. For example, a alone military guy let me into his place and tried to offer me alcohol, I got out of there right away after making a fake promise I would be right back after I grabbed one of my toys. The next time he saw me he completely avoided me, confirming my suspicions that he was a bad person. As I got older I realized all the elderly people I was making friends with were passing away, like my great grandfather who was blind, like my disabled friend who I got to know for a short month.

The feeling of people passing away made me scared to get to know anymore elderly people even though I loved their stories of their past life experiences. I was feeling so aware of my mortality and aware of the complaints of pain from being old, that I came to my first real thoughts of ending myself, just from being scared of the pain. Then I experience excruciating pain when getting my appendix removed from being awake still after anaesthesia. I don't think I ever got to that level pain again that those dark thoughts subsided.

When I was around 7 years old I introduced myself to my first girlfriend, hoping she was different from my sisters. We went about thoughts of growing and learning everything together. How we would help each other get our future dream jobs. Mine was being a scientist, and hers was being my assistant. I was really looking forward to each day with her until her parents thought how scary it was that two kids were already planning out their lives together, that they suddenly moved away one day without warning. I felt absolutely devastated, and how frustrated I was that all the planning went to waste. These thoughts came from the elders I constantly visited and they gave me suggestion on how to grow up with my girlfriend, I felt proud of those thoughts.

If I was ever able to meet that girl again in the future, I wish that she lived a decent life and got the job or husband/wife that she deserves. I truly loved her that much. That unfortunately caused me to stray away from my plans of being a scientist, and just to focus on playing video games to escape reality.

If we could even be friends once more and hangout to just catch up, I know she would still have here collections that were passed down to her, and would show me them again. I use to love hearing here talk about the history and origins of her collections. They were antique dolls, and old coins.

Makes me wish to travel at times, I have a feeling I would run into her again if I followed my gut feelings on where to randomly visit. Life is strange that way.

Thanks for letting me vent journal, I feel great after that. Actually more bittersweet than anything, but feeling positive!