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“Hear ye! Hear ye! This court is now in order,” said James Thurgerson, banging a spare boot on a wooden part of the breakfast bar. He resumed, in mock officiousness: “We are assembled to hear the case of—” He looked around and saw that everyone was glaring at him.
“Okay, okay,” he said. “Just so we all have an understanding: as long as we’re up here together in this weird not-time place, figuring out how to get off and get out without being killed or recaptured, we know that we’re going to have occasional mistakes, misunderstandings, and actual wrongdoings in our midst.
“In order to facilitate peace in our community, and foster understanding and the necessary strength in our relationships together so that we don’t act like animals or heartless machines, we need to be able to accuse one another in a formal way, on occasion, so that we can all work things out without introducing unnecessary acrimony. That would probably get us all killed in the end.
“It requires something called trust: trust that we know we all do things wrong sometimes, and trust that we will not overly punish. I shall act as judge in hearing the case of Umezawa Kuniaki, admitted in guilt in the confession of violating the person of Alayna Harris. Abe Morie shall act as advocate for Ume, and Sano shall act as advocate for Alayna.
“Alayna has informed the court that she desires to press a case against Ume, not in order to hurt or harm in retribution for his wrongdoing. She is satisfied that he is sorry. Instead, she is pressing for damages, of sorts, some sort of recompense for the wrongdoing so that A) Ume has to feel some sort of material loss for his wrongdoing, and B) Ume will have a strong disincentive to use his newfound superpower for evil instead of good.”
“Good speech,” said Blake.
“All right, then,” said James Thurgerson. “Let’s begin. What are the rules? For fairness, let’s have it be like this: the plaintiff goes first in all cases, but the defendant gets to go last in all cases.”
“Should we allow rebuttals?” asked Perry Tuck.
“In the statements of accusation and defense I say no,” said James Thurgerson. “In the course of the proceedings I say yes. If the plaintiff can’t make a strong enough case to sway the decision in the first place, then that’s just tough. If you think about it as though you were the accused, then I think you’ll certainly agree.”
“Can we get some action, please?” said Jason. “This is all so incredibly boring.”
“No pie throwing,” said James Thurgerson. “That is right out.”
“You touched my breast!” Alayna suddenly hurled at Umezawa.
Umezawa hung his head.
“Ms. Harris,” said James Thurgerson. “I beg you not to prejudice this case. The facts are not in dispute. We are sympathetic to the crime against your person, but we simply must proceed in good order, or else we’ll set a bad precedent for the way we interact. I mean, don’t we all see that if we’re going to survive, we have to be able to stand united, even when we wrong each other?”
“You already gave the speech,” said Blake.
“Yeah, get on with it,” said Jason.
“Fine,” said James Thurgerson. “Plaintiff’s counsel may proceed.”
“Okay, Jim,” said Sano, rising to stand up.
“Objection!” said Abe, quickly jumping up.
“Objection?” said James Thurgerson.
“Shouldn’t she have to address you as ‘Your Honor’ or something?”
Jason groaned, “Oh, come on!”
“Now, now,” said Blake. “He’s right. We’ll all take turns at being the judge at these things, but we need to agree that we’re not just pals discussing a plate of chicken fried steak. This has to be orderly, and we need officers of the court.”
“Now who’s speechifying?” said James Thurgerson.
“Okay, whatever, I don’t care,” said Jason. “Can we please get this over with?”
“What, do you have online video games to play or something?” said Blake.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“No, it’s just…” stammered Jason. “Well, it’s just…I mean, we’re going to be talking about breasts and stuff.” He blushed red, and suddenly glanced at Sano while at the same time trying to avoid eye contact with her.
“Okay, look,” said Blake, “call him judge. That should be good enough. Agreed?”
“Okay, judge,” said Sano. “My client is asking for damages against Ume—um, the accused—”
“Very good,” said James Thurgerson.
“My client is asking for damages to be paid to the Unexpected Companions so that the accused will be disinclined to use his superpowers against any person.”
“So, not a beating?” said Jason, with a grin on his face.
“Quiet!” said James Thurgerson.
“No more of that,” said Blake, glowering at Jason. Jason looked stunned.
“You are prejudicing us, don’t you see,” said James Thurgerson. “We need to be serious.”
“Imagine it’s you, Jason,” said Meredith Donaldson.
“I would never,” said Jason.
“That’s what I thought, too,” said Umezawa.
“Look, everybody,” said James Thurgerson. “Can we agree to stop interrupting? You made me judge-for-a-day, so let me do the best I can, and we’ll learn from this together, okay?”
Everyone became silent.
“Counselor, proceed,” said James Thurgerson.
“We suggest some sort of punitive damage, like loss of cookies and other sugary treats we might find in the MREs for a week, but, honestly, judge,” continued Sano, “those are childish damages for an adult crime.”
Adult, Stoic? Did you hear that? They want to treat our little Ume like an adult!
“The court will consider your request,” said James Thurgerson. “Is that all?”
“Since the facts of the case are not in dispute, yes, judge.” Sano sat down. Abe stood.
“Judge,” he began, “we submit this company has consistently treated Umezawa, the accused, to be less than adult. It is true, in fact, that we have all witnessed childish responses from him. Now he has exhibited adult desires, albeit in a very adolescent and regrettable way…” Abe suddenly gulped reflexively. He looked at Alayna.
She’s very beautiful, isn’t she? Your very first intimate contact, Stoic, in the time of your greatest distress, literally in time.
“Only now that he has shown an adolescent adult desire—now we desire punitive damages as from an adult? We maintain that the loss of dessert is appropriate in this first offense.”
Blake opened his mouth to say something, but James Thurgerson shot an angry glance in his general direction. Blake stayed his mouth with a sheepish scowl. James Thurgerson said, “Is that all?”
“Yes, judge,” Abe said, and he sat down.
“This court is in recess while I think about it.” James Thurgerson stood, went into Alayna’s private room, and began to meditate.
Abe said, “This is just like Season 5 Episode 17 of The Morose Alpaca.”
Jason groaned.
“No, really,” Abe said. “Abigail was forced to be the defense lawyer for Nami after Nami ate a turnip out of a farmer’s field. In this particular village, theft of turnips warranted the death penalty, and crying in court was grounds for contempt of court, so Abigail had to do her best to convince the judge, who was a witch-lord herself, and generally predisposed to killing—she had to do her best to convince the judge to let Nami live.”
No one answered Abe.
“So, she argued that eating the turnip out of the field should not be considered theft at all, but ordinary loss, as it would in the case of field mice or other varmints.”
Still no one answered Abe.
“Yeah, she did it by calling the farmer to the stand, and he had to admit he lost lots of turnips to varmints every year, and that this was not out of the ordinary at all.”
Abe looked around. No one was paying attention to him.
“Theft, she argued, occurred only when someone stole the turnip after it was loaded into his cart.”
Abe sighed deeply, but he was undeterred by his friends’ indifference.
“The judge agreed that Nami did not technically steal the turnip, but, seeing as she should have known better, not being an actual varmint, she sentenced Nami to life in prison.”
Abe looked around again, but there was still no response.
“Nami cried a lot. Big ol’ anime slosh-bucket tears. So did Abigail. And, I have to admit, it may have gotten dusty in my viewing room, because I had to wipe back some tears when they tore Nami out of Abigail’s arms and threw her into the dungeon. That squeal of despair from Nami will never leave me. It was one of the best sound productions in anime I have ever seen.”
“Heard,” said Meredith Donaldson. “You don’t see sound, right?”
“Oh,” said Abe.
Jame Thurgerson strode back into the kitchenette. “I call this court into order,” he said. “Say, can someone write this down?”
“I can,” said Jason. James Thurgerson paused while he waited for Jason to rummage around in his gear for a pen and a little notebook. “Sign and date it, why don’t you?” he said, without a hint of irony. “That’s so we know what we did and when, for precedent, you know. This is an important court case, if for any reason than we established proceedings.
“Uh…I’ll just give it a docket number,” said Jason, “like, A-1, or something. I mean, this will be the first one in the book, so…”
“Oh, oh yeah, that’s right,” said James Thurgerson. “Even I forget sometimes.”
“Got it,” said Jason. “Go ahead; give your verdict.”
“Yeah,” said James Thurgerson. “Will the defendant please rise?” Abe and Umezawa stood. “This court awards the Unexpected Companions anything considered dessert for one week. Moreover, we assign you a beating. Your crime was against a person’s body; therefore, your punishment shall include corporeal pain.”
“Corporeal?” said Jason. “How do you spell that?”
“Is that the wrong word?” said James Thurgerson.
“Dunno,” said Jason.
“We’ll figure it out later,” said James Thurgerson. “Anyway, Umezawa Kuniaki, you will retire to Alayna’s private room, where Meredith Donaldson will act as executioner, I guess, and you will bare your back to receive five lashes from him with a freshly cut birch branch—”
“Objection!” said Abe, hollering.
“What?”
“Come on, James, a birch branch?”
“Oh, oh yeah. I’m terribly sorry. How about a spruce branch, which you will ask for, Abe Morie, so that we do not incur unnecessary ill-will via Control Plant Life?” James Thurgerson banged an elk hoof he had found during the recess against the breakfast bar. “That makes it so.”
“May we appeal?” asked Abe.
“Sure,” said James Thurgerson.
“Can you make it a single lashing? Five seems excessive.”
“What do you think, plaintiff?”
Sano thought for a moment, gazing at Umezawa. “Three,” she said.
“Three it is. No more appeals.” James Thurgerson banged the elk hoof again, and that was that.
Meredith Donaldson followed Umezawa as he voluntarily exited the kitchenette and went into Alayna’s room. Jame Thurgerson soon joined them.
“I need a branch,” said Abe. With a rustling of leaves and the occasional clunk of something small and hard against a larger branch, a long, thin branch fell from above and into Abe’s hands. He delivered it to Meredith Donaldson, and he commanded the doorway to seal itself tightly.
Before the room was sealed off, though, Umezawa said, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Please be gentle. It’s my first time.”
The Unexpected Companions burst into laughter as one, hearing even Umezawa laughing before he uttered a sudden and pitiful “yipe” from the first delivered lick. In quick succession the other two were delivered, but Umezawa remained silent. A few moments later, Umezawa emerged with a huge smile on his face, adjusting his shirt and jacket layers. His face was flushed red, and there was the merest hint of tears in his eyes, but he was definitely proud of himself.
Everyone cheered, and he was overcome by a round of hugs, even from Blake, and even from Alayna.
Turning from Umezawa, Alayna found Abe, and she embraced him, whispering into his ear, “I’m proud of you. You defended your friend well.”
It was Abe’s turn to flush fully. He pulled his face back from hers, looking into her eyes. They were fully amber, somewhat golden, and at peace.
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