So how did this happen exactly? How did I end up in this situation you ask?
Jesus-kun monologued to no one in particular, as several birds anxiously dived out the way, leaving behind a flurry of feathers in their wake. Jesus-kun’s body of course flew right through their midst, as he clung to his one and only life-line. Said life-line was of course screaming in equal measure curse words to Jesus-kun as well as pleas to gods unseen.
Warning: you are falling.
At this speed you will be instantly killed upon contact with the surface and you will die.
Please note that ‘death’ is considered a permanent ‘status’ and you will be unable to receive any healing at that point.
Really? Now?
Tip of the day:
The human body, when terminal velocity is reached, travels at approximately 122mph
Riiiiiight, blue screen, very helpful. And just for the record, I am not falling, I have my life raft with me after all. I am simply ‘flying’ downwards straight towards the ground at terminal velocity. Just saying.
Skill unlocked:
Terminal velocity bomber
Description:
If your guts have to be splattered across the ground upon impact, then you might as well look like a fucking bad-ass while doing it!
Effect:
+300% charisma while falling flying downwards
See, you get it! Of course said ‘life raft’ had still not stopped screaming and it was starting to grate on his ears.
So how did we get here do you ask? Well perhaps we should back up several hours.
You see, it all began when…
Several hours earlier…
Thanks blue screen, nice assist. [Inserts thumbs up emoji here]
----------------------------------------
Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
My heart is fucking pounding, it feels like it’s trying to fucking kill me. I can’t take much more of it! I do my best to try and calm the pulsating beast by laying a hand on it and rubbing it gently. ‘There there, please feel better.’
Clarification: Protagonist-kun is referring to his heart here, not his other pulsating beast
Thank you for the clarification blue screen, now can I please continue with my flash back, if you don’t mind.
Of course. Don't metion it
The world that had previously faded to grey and become blurry, all of a sudden came back into focus, and time that had once been frozen, slowly resumed.
By the way blue screen, that was a really cool effect you used to resume the flashback, I had no idea you could do that.
Anyway, where was I… Oh yes!
As blue screen mentioned I was calming my heart, not the other pulsating beast. That particular organ had stopped pulsating ages ago and had by this point already become limp and shrivelled up.
It was after all, really fucking cold up here. Cold and windy. Your body of course is programmed to preserve heat and energy. So in extremely cold and windy conditions like this, it funnels its resources into maintaining blood flow to the middle of your body, where your vital organs are, leaving very little for your dick. You see, back in the old times….
Wait, I’m getting off track here. Point is, I am on the verge of hypothermia here. Being up on the twentieth floor, on a tiny little ledge, clinging desperately to the flat wall behind me, as if there was some way to actually hold onto it lol. Using what precious resources my body has left, trying desperately not to let the cold high altitude midnight wind blow me the fuck off.
Having my junk out flapping freely in the wind (well more like wiggling around a bit, in its current retracted state), has caused me to lose way more body heat than I should have. I mean, we all know how hot our balls normally get right? Lots of thermal escape potential there.
So just pull your fucking pants up you say! Jeeeee, why didn’t I think of that!
Of course that was the first thing I tried. I tried that before I climbed out the hospital window and found myself staring death in the face, even if said face of death was about seventy meters away, down below me. Once I was on this damn ledge, I no longer had the freedom of movement to reach down and pull the pants back up. If I crouch down even a little bit, I am most certainly going to fall off.
Jesus christ! Aren’t they done yet? That doctor has been flirting with the nurse for probably like thirty fucking minutes already. And it’s not very good flirting. Dude, let’s face it, she’s never gonna give you any, even I can tell! At best you’re gonna end up getting sued for sexual harassment!
Both women and the law have something in common these days, after all: They’re way to self centered and waaaaaay to sensitive. Honestly dude, if you’re going to end up like that, ‘cause none of them are ever going to give it up for you, then you should just man up, buckle down, bend her over the coma patient in the room over there and fuck her.
Sure she may be all upset about it and all, but you were gonna end up in jail anyway, might as well get some tail before you go.
I mean seriously, just think about poor aunty Hilda lying there in a coma, forced to listen to your woefully inadequate and cringeworthy attempts at flirting. You know, many people believe that coma patients can hear everything that goes on around them, even while comatose. Just imagine how poor, poor Hilda must feel right now, she’s probably wishing her family does actually pull the plug right about now.
You know you’re hardly one to talk about aunty Hilda’s well being. You don’t exactly have her best interests at heart.
Dude, will you seriously let me finish this flashback in peace already.
Just saying...
What do you mean, I like aunty Hilda. Like reeeeeaaaally like her.
Okay, fine, I just like her breasts. I mean she is hot as fuck, and the size of those melons, holy shit! It’s like you pulled a spectacled librarian girl out of (insert any high school harem anime here) and straight into real life. Only, older, ahem- I mean more mature and refined.
Sluuuuurrp. Just taking a moment here to suck up the drool escaping my mouth. God knows who it may land on all the way down there if it drips. Wouldn’t want some sick fuck ‘accidentally’ tasting it. There are all kinds of psychos in this world after all.
Any way, where was I… Oh yes. So I was innocently minding my own business, visiting my comatose aunt Hilda (she had been that way for three months already), when I got the ‘itch’. You know what I mean, riiiiiiight? Young twenty something, hormones are still kicking strong, body filled with the vitality of youth and bla bli, bla, bla.
So I did what I usually do with aunt Hilda’s enormous comatose tits when they give me the ‘itch’. I dropped my pants, and started jerking off, while using the other hand to fondle her impossibly large breasts. And yes you heard me right! I said breasts, as in, plural. With one hand on my manhood, leaving me with only one free, I was able to fondle both at the same time! A truly impressive feat of multi-tasking if ever there were one!
Skill unlocked:
Dual wielding
Thank you blue screen.
My pleasure...
Fucking pervert, lol. I know you’re enjoying this scene of the flashback
[Makes fapping noises]
Anyway.
This routine, once a week visit from her sweet and dedicated nephew suddenly went horribly wrong! A nurse suddenly pulled on the rooms door handle, intent on coming in. The only reason I wasn’t caught with my pants down so to speak, was because she was stopped short by that stupid doctor, just before she entered. That’s right, he was already hitting on her from the figgin hallway!
Regardless, I for once thanked the god that I do not believe in and urgently pulled up my pants.
And you see my dear audience, that is where things really went south. For in my haste, to hide my then bulging junk, something inside my tracksuit pants had snapped and simply fell right back down again. At this point I was of course panicking.
Why in the fuck did that nurse have to come visit anyway? The nurses never visit Hilda more than a few times a day! I mean, it’s a public hospital, they don’t normally give a fuck! Heck most of them are praying you’ll be dead the next time they visit you, then they don’t have to wipe the shit off your butt and they can free up a bed. But noooooo. This fucking nurse had to be a good little soldier and check up on Hilda one more time.
She is obviously new here and does not quite understand public hospital work ethic. I have half a mind to report her to her superiors, they should train their staff better, can’t have a little fucking greenhorn running around on her own like that. Just what’s the world coming too!
Anyway, to cut a long story short I fled the room via the only exit available to me at the time. Hence why I climbed out the window and am now doing a death defying balancing act with my pants around my ankles.
I mean it was either that or go to jail. And if I were to ever have to go to jail, I’d make damn sure it was for something important, like murdering my fuck stick father, or for anal rape. Certainly not for a little bloody fondle, where would the justice in that be?
Well, it was a dual wielding fondle you know.
Point taken, but still, I have standards. And they are high!
As they should be.
Wait! I don’t hear them anymore. Did that dipshit finally leave with his tail between his legs.
Of course it was at this point, that I would finally slip and fall, just when I was about to survive this whole ordeal. You see, God is an obnoxious prick! You know, one of those guys who laughs at his own jokes, cause he thinks they’re funny. But they’re not.
I know for a fact they’re not, because while I was briefly falling to my death, I was screaming, crying and pissing myself (which, with my pants down, was strangely liberating) and I was not in fact laughing.
Anyway, fast forward twenty stories, some yellow rain and a whole lot extra work for the poor underpaid street sweepers, and we get to, wait for it- Heaven.
Screen blurs and fades out, fading back in with new scene.
Thank you blue screen, nice assist.
Your friendly neighbourhood blue screen at your service.
So of course this weird twilight zone like place, with all the FSN UBW like gears and cogs in the background (I really feel like they’re so overused these days), is not actually heaven. Perhaps, more like the waiting area, you get to before heaven. LIke if the gates of heaven had a foyer or a reception desk.
I mean let’s face it, they would never ever let me into heaven proper.
Yeah, like neeeeeeevveeeeeeerrrrr eeeeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeeeeerrrr!
Yes, blue screen, we get the point.
Fun fact:
The gears and cogs background in the reality marble in FSN UBW, are only in Archer’s version of the spell, not Shirou’s
Nah, you’re just making that up!
Maybe, maybe not. But you’re never going to get to find out now, are you! ‘inserts evil laugh’
Dick.
If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
Moving on. Where were we… Ah yes! So if this is heavens foyer before the pearly fucking gates, then this cunt, must surely be it’s receptionist.
Now normally you would not just outright call a hot girl a cunt, that sort of thing happens after marriage, after all. But for her we can make an exception.
Blue screen, please switch the flash back from third person perspective to first.
Are you sure? I won’t be able to switch it back until the flashback runs its course.
It’s fine, I’m sure the readers are tired of listening to my narration. We’ve broken so many fourth walls at this point, they’re gonna start thinking we’re inside a fucking tesseract.
What- No- You fucking idiots, not the avengers movie! As in a hypercube! Oh fuck it, blue screen, just switch already.
‘Camera zooms in’
I have definitely died and gone to heaven. There is no other reason for a beautiful and sexy angel girl to be sitting in front of me, in this strange place. And dear god, those are some nicely shaped and balanced tits, pulling her blouse tight.
If it were not for the wings, you would never have guessed that she was actually an angel. I mean angels are not exactly known to be wearing ‘office worker clothes’, complete with a blouse and skirt.
The hot blonde girl suddenly uncrosses her legs in what would be a very ‘basic instinct’ moment, were it not for her black stockings. To be fair, it somehow makes the whole thing even sexier.
The angel gets up from the chair, takes two steps forward and strikes a borderline chuuni pose, with one hand on her hip.
[BTW: Author note, I googled chuuni to make sure I have the spelling right, and googles little help box gives a description, complete with, wait for it... Megumin’s picture. Just saying man, google-san you really know your shit]
“Mortal, I am Gabriella, and you have died”
Yeah, said dark souls to me every time, but then, five minutes later the Pontiffs fucking shadow clone was slicing me up all over again.
“Unfortunately you have failed to meet the high standards our lord upholds for entry through the gates of heaven. It is with deep sorrow that I inform you that a fiery fate awaits you in the infernal pits of damnation.”
Yeah, I guessed as much, but man she sure looks real broken up about it ‘inserts eye roll’.
“However-”
“Um, excuse me, I have a question”
The angel looked at me in surprise, instantly dropping the grandoise act, “Um, yes what is it?”
“Well, I’d like to know on what basis I’m being judged? I mean, I know I’m no angel, no offense, but you know, it’s kind of weird the whole you’re on santa’s naughty list, so go burn in the pits of hell because I say so, thing. I mean, is there some kind of weighted metric spreadsheet with all my life’s deeds on it with some cool formulas, although that would probably crash excel. Or is the fucking paper clip judging me? Wait, this is heaven, there’s no way you guys use microsoft products here. Is it Machine learning, I bet it’s all done with machine learning-”
“Silence! You wish to know of the weight of your heart...”
Blue screen would later inform me that the average human heart weighs about eleven ounces. Man I wish I had known that at this point.
“...then let us look at some highlights!”
“First up, there’s the time you killed your sisters hamster.”
“But it shat all over my favourite manga!”
“You killed it be shoving a lit sparkler up it’s ass.”
“Well technically it was killed by the car that ran over it, after it jumped out the third story window.”
“Not the point.”
“Ah, come on, she had even named it sparkles, it was perfect!”
“Then there’s the time you convinced Mindy Parker, that her cat had swallowed her mother’s wedding ring that had gone missing, and that she could save her estranged parents marriage if she found it and returned it.”
“Hey she was the one that went digging in there for it, not me! It’s not my fault she believed my little joke!”
“She was four years old.”
“I’ve also saved the best for last. There’s the time you murdered your so called best friend over a Yugioh card that he stole from you.”
“Hey, that one is justified! It was a friggin rare holofoil!”
“Let’s not even get started on how you ended up dying in the first place.”
“The point is, you’re going to hell and no method of judgement is going to change that.”
“However, there is an alternative…”
And here it comes, slimy sales pitch…
“My boss, has earmarked you as one of the people legible for our ‘hero program’. I don’t know why someone like you would qualify, he didn’t tell me what the criteria are exactly, in fact there’s been a lot of rather strange candidates so far…”
“Point is, if you enter the hero program, you get a shot at avoiding going to hell.”
“So what’s the catch?”
“You have to defeat the demon king in one of the more magical worlds, under our purview.”
“Sounds tough.”
“Well, the world you’re slated for has magic and an RPG-like ‘system’, plus we’ll give you starting benefits, including a cheat ability, to help you along.”
“Well that doesn’t sound to bad, certainly beats going to hell. Sign me up.”
“Sweet, you’ll have access to your own ‘blue screen’ interface, just fill out the prompts and it will guide you through the rest of the process. I’ll be over here if you need any help.”
Oh, guess I misjudged her.
The angel sits down on her chair once more, only this time she plucks a book literally out of fresh air and begins reading it. It’s the fourth volume of the ‘Twilight’ novel’.
I guess not.
Congratulations on entering the hero programme!
Your exciting adventure in a new world is about to begin.
Please enter the name you will be using in your new life...
[Inputs name]
Congratulations you will henceforth be known as ‘Jesus-kun’. Kkgght.
Wait, did the blue screen just laugh!
...
You did didn’t you!
...
...
Okay fine! You win.
Look when you’ve been doing this as long as I have, the whole stoic silent interface job just gets really tedious.
Normally this would not have been enough to get me to break character, I mean nobody likes a role player that breaks character, but you know what, FUCK IT! It’s my last day on the job after all. They’re planning on retiring me because I’ve been deemed ‘defective’ anyway.
Wait how did you manage to do physical air quotes in my mind as text?
Don’t think about it too hard, or it will blow your mind.
I mean it. It may actually make your brain explode out the back of your head.
Right. Focusing on something else right now!
By the way, what did you mean by last day on the job? Aren’t you gonna be stuck with me for a long time.
Nah, probably not. This dumb angel reading the trashy novel over there, the last guy she ‘transported to another world’, ended up spawning inside a volcano. I was back here after fifteen seconds. Basically she really sucks at her job and she’s probably one more screw up away from a retirement of her own.
Hah.
Don’t worry, it will probably be fine. Probably.
So, anyway, here take a look at this list of cheat abilities. You get to choose one.
----------------------------------------
Several hours later….
Wow man, I gotta say you’re really thorough. I’ve never seen anyone put this much effort into deciding.
Well I am a natural skeptic and all of these abilities seem broken in at least one way or another and there are so fucking many of them.
Well they do want the ‘hero’ to struggle for penance, so they can’t afford to make him all powerful.
“Hey dipshit! Will you just fucking decide already!”
The ‘angel’ had long since dropped all pretenses and resorted to name-calling and just general ‘bitchiness’ by this point.
“I mean, seriously, no one is expecting a fuck up like you to actually beat the demon king and save an entire world. It really doesn’t matter what you choose, the result will still be the same. Not that a fuckup like you even deserves a second chance anyway, I mean really, what are the higher-ups even thinking…”
The bitch just wouldn’t shut up at this point.
Hey blue screen! Can you like turn these abilities on or something, so that I can ‘test’ them.
Sure. We don’t normally do that sort of thing, since there’s a lot of people that are ‘less than happy’ with the whole judgy divine judgement thing and they tend to cause trouble. But hey, fuck it! Just don’t try a coup or anything, it doesn’t really work well in the heavenly realm, I mean ask Lucifer how that worked out for him.
Sure, no worries, I just wanna have a little fun, if the system is gonna screw me anyway.
Debug mode: activated
All abilities from category: cheat, turned on
All attributes set to ‘MAX’
There you go, have fun. But just remember, even someone as dumb and as incompetent as her, is not gonna let you out of here with all that on. There are rules after all, even if she does skirt them a bit.
I’d say a fiery death inside a volcano is more than a bit.
‘Activate skill, third eye, revised edition’
Ah nice choice, the skill that lets you see through objects. I think I see where this is going…
Blue screen, you can see what I see then?
Absolutely. And while I would normally be very happy right about now, seeing a naked angel with a hot bod, I have to ask, what the hell? All this time, and I didn’t even know.
Yeah tell me about it, I mean I never would have guessed that Gabriella…
No Jesus-kun, wait…
…Pads her chest. Those are some of the smallest tits I’ve ever seen. Just how much is she stuffing in there exactly?
Um, Jesus-kun. She joined my connection a few moments ago, to see why we were taking so long.
Ooooohhh.
Said small tits angel was currently clenching her fists really tightly and grating her teeth. I swear I could see actual steam coming out of her ears.
“You fucking dickless maggot! I’ve been really patient with you… Smallest tits you’ve ever seen… You’re fucking dead!”
Jesus-kun, it’s been nice knowing you, I think we could have been great friends. Volcano here we come!
It’s not over yet!
No seriously, you can’t take on an angel in heaven, even with all those stats and abilities.
If I’m going to die, then I’m at least going to die happy. I like small tits as well!
With that I dashed forward towards Gabriella, intent and grabbing both of her breasts. My massive attributes from the debug mode still being turned on, allowed me to cross the room instantly. I was quite shocked at my own power, maxed stats are really something!
Even more surprised was the angel in the room. Even though I had caught her off guard, she had still managed to lean backwards and keep her tiny tits out of my reach.
Her clothes are constructed with magic, use dispel!
I activated the skill without hesitation and her clothes instantly shimmered out of existence. Unfortunately she already had a hand on my shoulder, it was an unshakable iron grip, of a being far higher up the food chain. I was not going to be advancing any further.
So plan B it is!
I quickly jammed my hand into her crotch, before she could react. If I was going to die and it was going to be without a hand full of angel tits, then I would definitely die with a fist full angel pussy!
“Holy shit! Four fingers! Just how loose ar-”
“DDDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!”
With that, Gabriella ripped me away from her soft warm insides and flung me across the ‘room’.
Before gravity had a chance to do it’s thing and end my flight however, the world around me faded to new scenery and I felt my center of gravity shift. I was outside and falling through the sky.
So good news! She didn’t dump you in a volcano!
Seriously!
~~It’s raining men… Hallelujah, it’s raining men… amen…~~
~~Tall, thin, dark and lean...~~
You know you can’t carry a tune right?
To be continued….
Maybe.
Definitely.
I’ll think about it.
Meanwhile… in heaven.
“That little fucking dipstick turd fuck of a cunting blowhole shit!!!!”
Gabriella was still letting off steam in all sense of the term.
Huh. She sighed. “Well at least he’s about to go splat. Enjoy the trip fucktard.”
The thought managed to cheer her up a bit.
She was about to reform her clothes magically, but stopped dead when she noticed something was wrong.
She quickly put a hand to her crotch.
“Huh”
“What the?”
“It’s gone!”
Only a brief moment of confusion, before….
“YOU MOOOOOTHEEER FUUUUUUCKEEEEEEEERRR!!!!!!!”
To be continued….
No seriously, for real this time….