I wasn’t always a villain. In fact I still don’t think I am one. I had dreams just like everyone else – I wanted to be an astronaut. Explore places no one else has been. But dreams don’t survive fires. You can try and keep a hold of them, but eventually, you burn with them.
I was always painted out to be the bad guy anyway. From the moment I was born I was never even given a chance to prove to the masses that I wasn’t. It’s not like I didn’t try to be the good guy – the hero, I tried to save the kingdom from a tyrannical Queen but I quickly learnt that people are like sheep, bleeping and following the leader till the day they die, even when she leads them to the slaughterhouse.
So I became that monster they made me out to be. I became the villain they thought I would become. After all, villains are just heroes that ran out of patience.
Perhaps I should backtrack to how I got into this position. Every good story has a humble beginning as they say.
I was born during the biggest and most powerful thunderstorm to ever plague the Kingdom, Queendom? Whatever, I digress. According to the records, I was born at the peak of the storm. Lightning had ignited several fires, the streets were flooded and water was up to people’s waists in some places. The wind pulled the roofs off of buildings and flung them, smashing them into people and structures alike. Thunder was continuous, like a roar of some mystical and mythical beast. It was a sight to behold. Thousands of people died that day. It was the biggest catastrophe and loss of human life ever recorded outside of wartime for the kingdom. But there I was, a healthy baby, screaming along with the rest of them, blissfully unaware of the severity of the situation me and the other peasants were in.
I was not raised by my birth parents or as I like to call them my egg and sperm donors, they abandoned me just after my birth, the superstitious troglodytes believed I was some sort of bad omen sent from the Gods with the storm to punish the Kingdom for its wrong doings. They left me drifting in the floods and rain, wrapped in the blanket and basket I was delivered in. Determined to let me die, and I would have too, if it wasn’t for the Queen’s personal mage, who took me in and kept me alive with the help of magic. Magic, I’d like to mention, that the Queen had outlawed for everyone but royals.
Those who used magic without express permission from the Royal Family would be sent to the castle if they were deemed “useful” or “worthy”; those who weren’t were burnt at the stake. Those who were ‘lucky’ enough to be sent to the castle were never seen or heard from again. Their life now dedicated to the preservation of the Royal Family.
Take the night of the storm for example. The worst one the Kingdom had ever seen, thousands died, drowned or crushed by falling debris. Almost every building was ruined. But not the Palace. A large dome had been manifested to protect them, and classical music could be heard over the crashing sounds of the storm and the screams of the dying. They danced through clear skies, while we were lost to the eye of the storm battering the winds and rain to survive.
The Mage raised me with the help of her neighbour, Mrs Garrett, a lovely lady whose four husbands all died in mysterious circumstances. When Ragneth had to go and be with the Queen, Mrs Garrett would look after me until I was old enough to look after myself. While Ragneth taught me as a child the ways of the court, the intricacies of magic and the ability to manipulate the rich for my own gain. Mrs Garrett taught me to read, write, cook and just about everything else. I loved that woman, In fact, I loved them both. It made being ditched at birth totally worth it.
I often look back at the memories of those women with love and warmth. I reminisce back to standing in the small kitchen, every meal that was cooked always came with wise words of advice from the older woman. “Never trust a man who can’t boil an egg.” her eyes always gleamed when she spoke about food “My third husband didn’t and what happened? Left him to go out to the shop and came home to the poor bastard dead at my table, tried eating an egg with the shell on and got it stuck.”
“Oh no! He choked to death?” little me had asked, wide eyed.
Mrs Garrett's eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief whenever the deaths of her husbands were brought into conversation “That’s what I told the police officer who came round to examine the body” she winked.
My favourite memory was the smell of Mrs Garrett’s famous “peculiar pie” wafting through the kitchen and out the small window. It was aptly named peculiar pie because every time it was cooked, animals seemed to flock to the house; cats, dogs, rats – you name it. They would all sit on the window sill and below it. That was probably the reason why she got burnt for being a witch. Bless her soul. Ragneth was hit especially hard by the news. Which is why Mrs Garrett is secretly alive, living under a new name and holed up in a small house on the outskirts of the kingdom. The thing you need to know about Ragneth is that she is particularly powerful, which is the main reason why she’s The Queen’s personal mage.
Ragneth was rarely around but when she was, she taught me the importance of being able to play the field. “Life is like a chess board” she had told me one night as she taught me how to play the ancient game “sometimes, sacrifices have to be made to protect the strongest pieces. But just remember that even the weakest pieces can overpower the strongest” she then went on to checkmate me with a pawn. My mind still boggles at how she did that even after all these years.
I always lived for the days Ragneth would come home even if for a single night, we would sit around the dining table, fill our bellies with good food and our hearts with funny stories and pleasant memories. Ragneth would always smile the widest when Mrs Garrett would make them their favourite meal – a simple tomato soup and bread roll. I must admit it was one of my favourites too, it was fascinating how Mrs Garrett could make even the simplest meal taste divine, like it had come straight from the court of royals itself.
I always told her that if she ever felt like witchcraft was not working, she should be a cook for the Queen. She just used to laugh and say witchcraft would never steer her wrong. How’s that working out for you now “Mrs Esmeralda Farris”?
With Mrs Garrett out of the picture, I had to fend for myself most days. I spent most of my days reading about magic in the books from Ragneth’s personal private library. Her library was normally locked, but she had taught me how to pick locks when I was younger, much to the dismay of Mrs Garrett, so it didn’t stay private for long.
I call it a library rather liberally, I suppose an office would be more appropriate, but to younger me it was the grandest library of them all. Even better than the one that lived in the centre of the city. The walls of the office were covered in books and most of the available space was covered in packed shelves or trinkets. A bay window held a desk and a comfy looking chair in it. Ragneth would often spend time sat at this desk scrawling away, deep in thought, often shuffling too and from the numerous bookshelves with her arms ladled with books.
Most of the books in the office contained forbidden magic. Powerful spells either too unstable to perform or to only be used in a last ditch effort. Some of the books were annotated in Ragneth’s loopy scrawl, sentences were crossed out and improved upon. They were fascinating to read, hours would often whittle away as I read, curled up in that comfy chair, I lost count of the amount of times I fell asleep in that chair, my eyes heavy from reading those enchanting words, my dreams filled with the power of those spells.
Since I had to look after myself, books on magic weren’t the only books I chose to read and Ragneth was not the only one who liked to make notes on things. Mrs Garrett’s cook books were covered in all types of different food stuffs, some pages stuck together in places or dog eared, stains littered the pages. The books were well used and well loved. Almost every page had Mrs Garrett’s spiky, sloppy handwriting in the margins. My personal favourite meal to make when alone was what Mrs Garrett had lovingly renamed as “spaghetti and bones”. Mrs Garrett used to make spaghetti and bones the day after we had chicken, stewing the bones to make a broth and mixing it with the spaghetti sauce. She used to hand make the sauce, but I’m not as dedicated to the cooking craft as she was so I buy mine.
I always tried to make tomato soup and rolls for Ragneth on the rare occasion that they returned home, but her smile was never as wide as when Mrs Garrett made it. The talks around the dining table were nice but never the same after Mrs Garrett left, I often asked if we could visit her just to listen to those ridiculous stories about her husbands that never failed to make us roar with laughter. I asked why we couldn’t go under the cover of night or with some sort of invisibility spell but Ragneth always said in a soft voice that it was too dangerous for us and for her. I know she missed her dearly but she tried not to show it.
As I grew up, I never showed any signs of magic. Most children show signs of having magic at around the age of four or five but in some rare cases signs and symptoms would come out in their early teens. I was obsessed with the idea that I was a mage like Ragneth and Mrs Garrett, regardless of the consequences that might occur if I was ever found to be one.
I would watch Ragneth perform even the simplest of spells with a look of awe while watching through the keyhole of her office door, refraining from gasping with delight and shock as I was banned from the office when Ragneth was experimenting with new spells. The small house was often filled with bangs and whooshes as Ragneth struggled to sometimes control the spells she cast. But it only made me wish to be a mage more. I'd watch her graceful movements as she orchestrated the mana inside her to cast the spell. Her voice would mutter ancient words as she moved her arms, her voice was always filled with passion no matter the spell she uttered. Sometimes she wouldn’t even need to speak for the magic to flow through her. Power emanated from her.
I was infatuated with her power, with her magic. I’d spend my nights researching all the different symptoms that would indicate if your child was magic or not and hoped and prayed they would appear in me overnight, but they never did. Every night Ragneth was home, I would demand her to read me a bedtime story. Most children would ask for dragons and heroes, not me. I’d ask her to read me one of her spell books or tell me stories of how magic had once flowed through the kingdom until the Queen took to the throne. Every night I would ask her if she thought I had magic in me like she did. She would just smile and kiss my forehead. I should have taken that as a sign that maybe I was never destined to have magic.
That was until a few months ago, a week or two after my eighteenth birthday. Ragneth had been home for a few hours, our meal had been pleasant but my mood was sour. Ragneth had filled me in on the latest Royal scoop – Something to do with the Prince doing something weird with a banana? I wasn’t really paying attention, pushing my food around my plate with my head in my hand.
“Marradole,” Ragneth said softly. It meant “darling” in her native tongue. “What troubles you today? Normally, you are always so excited to see me.”
I let out a deep sigh “You missed my birthday, Ma. I never even got a card from you. You’ve never missed a birthday of mine before. Even mum sent me a card and she’s supposed to be dead.” I waved my arms in exasperation, throwing my cutlery down in a strop. It was childish of me, but I couldn’t help it. Every birthday I would get a card from Ragneth, even when they were working with the Queen. She had never forgotten my birthday before and I always looked forward to whatever silly card she had decided to get me for that year. Sometimes she would even sneak out a sweet snack straight from the royal court. Last year had been a cake covered in cream, and a few years before that had been a chocolate eclair.
Ragneth put down her own cutlery and came over to me, enveloping me in a hug as she kiss the top of my head like she had when I was a child
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“I’m sorry, the Queen has increased everyone’s workload as I’ve told you before and security in the castle has almost doubled. It’s hard to find time for myself, let alone send a card or a gift.”
I sighed again “I know, Ma. and I know it shouldn’t bother me – I’m an adult now – but it did.” I lent myself into her and let her hug comfort me “I just feel like ever since I’ve turned eighteen, life just seems to be throwing shit at me”
Ragneth looked at me with concern “How so?” her expression turned to one of annoyance “Is it that Billy kid again? He always used to cause you trouble in school”
I roll my eyes at her before raising an eyebrow “Ma, I haven’t had problems with Billy Lovett since I was six” I hesitate before speaking again, not sure if she might find it silly. Wishing once again that Mrs Garrett was still around – She always made me feel comfortable no matter the subject. I quietly mumbled out “I’m just sad that I’ll never be like you or mum. You two are able to do such incredible stuff and I can’t do anything..”
“Nonsense, You may not be magic but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. You’re incredibly studious, I’ve never known someone to devour books as much as you do and you’re also very independent. You’re quick witted and smart, although your mouth does tend to get you in trouble” I sent her a sheepish grin as she smiled back at me.
“Life has not always been fair to you, you know that better than most but don’t ever let it get you down. Me and Mrs Garrett taught you better than that”
Her words were soothing but I still felt sad, I finally decided to give up on my childhood dream of becoming a mage and it fucking sucked. I felt like I had lost all direction – no goal, no purpose in life any more.
“Listen, I have to do some work on a new spell for the Queen, how do you feel about looking in on it? Will that make you feel better? I think you’re old enough now to watch and I owe you for your birthday.” Ragneth asked
I shot up in my seat “You mean it? You never let me look in!”
A wide smile spread across Ragneth’s face “Absolutely, falayha.” another term of endearment from her home, it has no exact translation in English but the closest would be “sweet-pea”. “I know how much you’ve wanted to watch me work but I’ve always been hesitant because of how dangerous it can be, you’ve seen how many times Mrs Garrett had to patch me up after my spells went wrong. I couldn’t risk that happening to you”
“You don’t care if I get hurt any more?” I joke pretending to be hurt
“Jail time is shorter if you hurt an adult compared to a child” she joked back her smile turning to a grin. “Now finish your dinner and we can head up to my office.”
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Standing in the far corner of the office, I kept swapping my weight between my feet in anticipation of the spell I was going to be looking in on. My mind raced at what type of spell she would be working on. Fire? Healing? An earth spell? I was thinking it was a powerful one if the Queen wanted it. I was so excited I couldn’t keep still.
“Now, I need you to just be quiet while I work and not touch anything. This spell is highly unstable.” Ragneth instructed me as she busied herself with a heavy looking tome that was wrapped in black leather with ridges and bumps, that she had brought along with her to the office. “You know enough about magic to know that words and sounds can affect spells-”
“Because some magic draws power from sound waves and vibrations, is this one of those spells?” I interrupt excitedly
“It is,” Ragneth confirmed as she flipped through the crumpled, yellow pages of the book at her desk. “Which is why I will need silence while I work. Think you can keep your excitement quiet?” she asked with a smile
I nod with a grin on my face as I almost jump on the spot with excitement. This will be the first time I get to see experimental magic up close and not just through the keyhole. I no longer had to fear missing even the smallest detail. I was SO ready.
“Alright. Stand back and try not to get injured”
Ragneth started uttering in an ancient tongue, her arms stretched wide as her eyes scanned over the words in the tome, her tongue tracing every syllable. Slowly, balls of light started to form in her hands and a wind picked up out of nowhere even though no windows were open in the house. The wind was gentle at first, blowing a steady breeze across the two of us.
The balls of light turned to ribbons as Ragneth waved her arms like an orchestra conductor, her face filled with concentration. The lights wrapped around her like tendrils and the wind picked up to violent speeds, pulling books from their place on the shelves. I covered my head as objects began flinging themselves around the room, joining the vortex of power and light that surrounded Ragneth. Her voice was powerful and booming as she spoke over the noise.
She brought her hands in together, bringing the ribbons back into a ball, her arms shaking with the effort and her forehead had a light layer of sweat on it and it trickled down as she fought the spell into submission. The spell was fighting her like a wild beast, throwing everything it had at her. It was taking everything in her to contain it.
What you need to know about magic is that it isn’t some concept or energy you can just control. It’s living, and like most living things, does not just do what is demanded of them. You must prove yourself before you can use it. The efficiency or power of the spell is determined on if you’ve been deemed worthy. If you’re found unworthy, the spell can backfire.
The ball of light increased in aggression and size, flicking through different shades of reds and oranges, like a fire until it turned bright white. It cast erratic shadows around the room and the room was filled with a heat, like that which appears just before a thunderstorm. Sparks flew from the ball as it fought for control against the powerful mage, one spark left a long burn mark in the desk while another turned a book into ash. Ragneth gritted her teeth against the onslaught of volatile movements.
With one last gargantuan effort, Ragneth snapped her hands together, forcing the ball into her clasped hands. There were a few seconds of calm as the wind dropped and the heat instantly disappeared before suddenly a monstrous wave of energy was released, sending me crashing backwards into one of the bookshelves, splintering it into pieces, books toppled onto me as my body burnt.
I screamed as my veins filled with electricity, I had the vague feeling of weightlessness as I started levitating, too distracted by the pain to really notice. The wind picked up again, tempestuous and ravenous, turning the room into a tornado of broken bookshelves and books. Sparks flew from me before turning into strikes of lightning that struck the small room in several places. My body was like a storm, and my screams turned to a thunderous roar as the pain turned to sheer power. Then as soon as it started, everything stopped, the lightning, the wind, the power. It all vanished in seconds and I dropped to the floor with a crash.
I groaned as I slowly stood up holding an arm out towards Ragneth, her face etched with concern.
“I’m alright, Ma” I tell her, my voice strong despite my voice being raspy from the screaming and shouting. All of a sudden I start to feel strange. My face crumples into one of confusion as my brain begins to fill with static and my vision blurs. My legs become as wobbly as a newly born deer’s and I call out to her “What does it feel like to faint? Do I swoon like a princess or drop like a bag of rocks?”
Ragneth’s eyes widened as she rushed over to me, her arms outstretched to catch me “Marradole!” she exclaimed, panic laced in her voice.
She was this close to catching me before I dropped like a sack of rocks. My vision had faded to black and the next thing I know I’m looking up at Ragneth’s worried face. Her green eyes were filled with panic. I groan again as I sit up, the back of my head throbbing from where it struck the floor.
“You could have at least tried to catch me Ma” I complained as I rubbed the back of my head.
“Aye, Orrilay” which means idiot. she threw her hands up in exasperation before wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. “You worried me. What happened to ‘try not to get injured?’”
I hugged her back “I’m sorry. If it means anything I found out what happens when you faint.”
She shook her head as she let me go, a smile tugging at her lips “You’re lucky you didn’t knock yourself for longer when you fell.”
“In my defence, I was hoping you were going to catch me. But I’ll try swooning next time, I hear it’s more dignified and contains fewer head injuries” taking her hand as she pulled me to my feet gently. My legs were still wobbly but better than they were before.
“Please do, I’d take a swooning princess over a sack of rocks any day” she replied as she crossed her arms.
I slowly scan the room around us, taking in the destruction and mess around us as I let my thoughts settle. “What happened? The spell… Did it go wrong somehow? I had magic, I felt the power of it.. It was like- I don’t even know how to describe it.”
Ragneth let out a deep sigh, suddenly looking tired as she rubbed the back of her neck “I don’t know honestly. My best guess is the energy wave of the spell awoke something in you, kickstarting your magical abilities or maybe you absorbed the energy somehow. That amount of energy released from that spell would have been enough to kill a normal human with no magical abilities.”
I looked at her shocked “and you just let me stand in the room with it?!
“I did tell you it was dangerous! Plus I had no idea the wave or the spell was going to be that powerful” Ragneth protested, a sheepish look crossing her features
I stood there in silence, the weight of her words hit me like a truck and a wide grin spread across my face “So, what? I’m magic? Like, I actually have magic now?”
Ragneth shrugged “It seems so. But you know what that means though don’t you? You know the responsibility that falls on your shoulders now. The risks that are associated with it?” She placed her hands on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes. Her face was serious. “If you’re found to have magic, I may not be able to help you, you understand that don’t you?”
I nod and send a small reassuring smile her way “Don’t worry. I know how to keep a secret”
Ragneth didn’t return my smile. “I’m serious, Veylyn.” She rarely used my name, the weight of her words hit me and I looked at her with determination, showing her that I was taking this as seriously as she was, she continued
“If your magic is as powerful as it was just now and the Queen finds out, you’ll be forced to live in the palace. No more home cooked meals, no more books, we would never see each other again. And even if your magic isn’t powerful, you know what happens. Do you understand the gravity of the situation you now find yourself in?”
“Yes Ma. I understand. You don’t need to tell me, I remember what happened to mum. I’m not an idiot” I was starting to get annoyed at her, I wasn’t a child any more. Everyday I lived with the consequences of being magic, I read every book and listened to every horror story about the castle that Ragneth had shared with me. The memory of watching Mrs Garrett burn at the stake was still etched into my brain, visiting me in my nightmares and invading my dreams when I least expected it. I had watched her burn believing she had died. It wasn’t until days later that I was told she hadn’t.
“I never said you were, but I just need you to not let your excitement overwhelm the need for caution.” She scolded, her voice sharp. “I will train you, if and when I can but I expect you to learn on your own. It is how my mother taught me – and it is how I will teach you. I will help you when you are stuck but otherwise you’re on your own. I’ve taught you to problem solve, you should be good at it”
My temper flared, fuelled by the recent storm that had raged within me and I clenched my fists as I struggled to keep my anger in check, I could feel the tips of my fingers starting to buzz. Ragneth’s words had stoked the embers into flames left behind by the storm.
“On my own?” I spat, my voice had venom in it “Like I’ve been living since Mum had to leave? I was twelve and I needed you! I-” I let out a sound of frustration, struggling to keep in everything I wanted to say to her since that day. My chest rose and fell in a furious rhythm as I turned away from her, the silence between us heavy with the truth of what I said. Even when Ragneth had been home after Mrs Garrett left, she was always distant. Prioritising work over everything. Always focused on her experiments rather than anything else. Even if that was me. I was left to fend for myself long before she had asked me to tonight.
Ragneth’s expression softened and her voice lowered. “I’m sorry falayha. I know I haven’t been the best mother, I should have been there for you, especially after Mrs Garrett. Her.. departure, saddened me more than I was willing to admit but I shouldn’t have left you to deal with that on your own” she placed a soft hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off as I look back at her. I could see sincerity in her eyes.
“If I could go back in time and change how I acted I would have, but I can’t because life isn’t fair. The world we live in, the kingdom we are ruled by, isn’t fair. You saw that with Mrs Garrett” she paused “and you’ll see it again if you aren’t careful”
I turned back to face her as I pushed down the memories of Mrs Garrett’s trial by fire, I could almost smell the scent of charred wood and burning skin in my nostrils and I felt sick. I pushed the memory deeper and locked it away. I took a deep breath to steady and steel myself. “I won’t make the same mistakes she did”
“I know” Ragneth’s voice was still quiet but she had a small smile on her face “I taught you better than that. Always be-”
“-two steps ahead” I finished.