"Grandma, are you in there? I brought you some chicken broth! I'm sorry about the mushrooms this morning! This should help settle your stomach!" Lance called through the door and into the empty house. I did not answer the door. This was partially because I had absconded the moment I realized my younger appearance had returned. I loved Lance. Loved him to death, really, but being caught like that would ruin everything. Not just my diet, apparently. This was another reason I didn't answer the door.

'Chicken broth? Really?' I complained internally as I tried to stealthily climb the fence to my backyard. 'Come on Lance. You're the one who gave me the damn mushrooms; do I really deserve to be punished for your crimes?' I did not intend to waste my youth on chicken broth. Or my twilight years, truth be told. I wanted some real food. I apparently dedicated too many of my sometimes limited mental resources to thinking about the cruelties of liquid food, and my swordbelt got caught on a wood panel. I yelped as I tumbled off the top of the fence, then cursed as my grandson's calls halted.

I tried to bolt for the cobblestone path in front of my home, but discovered that while I had fallen into the mud in front of the fence, my sword had remained in my backyard. This wouldn't have been so terrible, except it had fallen from my belt. Instead, the belt sled through a broken panel and ended up between two boards. This, effectively, pinned my left side to the fence. As I saw Lance and the offensive pot of broth around the corner, I was forced to lean against the fence and act as nonchalantly as I could. I pulled it off with the grace of a swan. A swan who had, similarly, fallen in the mud and found itself tied to a wooden fence.

That is to say, suspicion and confusion immediately painted my grandson's face. 'Not to worry, there is no way he'll spot the nervous sweat under all this dirt and mud. I'm in the clear' I sarcastically chided myself. What was the point in being sarcastic with myself you might ask? Well, it's the same reason I was sarcastic with anyone. To make the person who got me in that situation feel they the brick-kicking moron they were. So if you thought I was screwing up absolutely everything about my mistake, I'll thank you to keep that in mind. I very successfully made that person feel properly foolish.

"Um, hello?" Lance asked as he approached. I gave him my most winning, least baring my fangs at prey smile.

"Well damn, Lance, how are you, man?" I asked, completely naturally and in a thoroughly disarming way. The way he took a step back and carefully placed the heavy pot of nonfood in front of him was absolutely unrelated to a desire to run for help because a strange girl was breaking into his grandma's house. Trust me, I know Lance. I'd know if he was planning to call the guards on me. Never once had he successfully summoned armed soldiers to arrest me.

"Do I... know you?" He asked, taking another step back. I rubbed the back of my neck innocently.

"What, did Great Aunt Loretta not tell you? I'm your second cousin Lara! I'm staying with her for a bit while I attend school here!" I greeted and he was immediately disarmed. He just hadn't informed his face or body language yet. "I'm told I have her eyes, can't you tell?" I asked. The poor boy must have been more distracted than I thought because whatever had been bothering him put an inconveniently timed scowl on his face.

"All Goblin's have green eyes," He challenged and I held my hand to my heart like I had been wounded.

"I didn't mean the color! I meant the fierce brilliance and passion burning behind them!" I retorted and the little brat scoffed.

"I love grandma deeply and I always will. She is a lovely, kind, and pleasant person. But if you know her as you say, you should know she is anything but 'fiercely brilliant," he countered.

"Alright listen here you little shit," I grumbled under my breath and his ears twitched.

"What was that?" he asked and I gave him a saccharine smile.

"I said that was a bit rude, wasn't it?" I lied, "I mean she is your grandmother, you shouldn't badmouth her like that!" He looked a bit guilty at that. 'Or she'll reconsider her views on corporal punishment, little fucker.' I thought.

"You're right, sorry. I just meant she's a bit, well, you know..." he answered and I narrowed my eyes at him. "Anyway, if you are actually staying here, in the, uh, mud... do you happen to know why she isn't answering her door?" he inquired.

"She went to the cleric. Said something about mushrooms and avoiding pretend food with no substance," I replied and his face brightened.

"Oh, she actually went to see a cleric? I figured she would have brushed the scare this morning off. She's so headstrong; I barely got her to meet with a mundane doctor. I'm glad to hear she is taking care of herself. I didn't even get the chance to use the old chicken broth trick," he sighed with relief and I further narrowed my eyes.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Chicken broth trick?" I asked.

"Yeah, she's something of a carnivore. I have to bring her a daily salad to get any green in her. The threat of liquid food always drives her to a doctor or cleric just so they will agree she can eat real meat," he leans in conspiratorially, "I have something of an understanding with the clinics nearby. It's the only way we can get her to get check-ups when she's sick." My friendly grin was somewhat strained at that point.

"Is that so? How very clever," I praised in far too sweet a voice. "I'll be sure not to tell her, or she might just dunk your head in the pot of broth!" I laughed conspicuously at this and earned a concerned look.

"Are you feeling alright?" He asked, "How long are you going to lean against that fence?"

"I don't know, how long are you going to leave a pot of chicken water on your grandma's garden bed?" I retorted. He jumped a bit.

"Oh, right, I'd better take that home. Thanks for letting me know where she was. Will I see you at school tomorrow?" he asked.

"Yep, first thing," I answered and he nodded before turning to leave. I immediately started struggling with my belt but had to rapidly lean again when he paused and looked back.

"How did you know who I was?" he probed.

"Huh? Oh, you were, uh, calling Aunt Loretta 'Grandma', who else would you be?" I quickly answered and he nodded.

"Oh, right, that makes sense. Uh, you should get inside and get yourself cleaned up," he suggested.

"Right, I'll get right on that," I answered. This time I waited for him to disappear before wrestling with my belt. I was going to have to take it off and retrieve the sword from the yard. 'Yeah, climb the fence Loretta, that's a great idea! Sure telling him you were staying there would have worked from the front door, but why think of that before you are covered in mud and pinned to a fence? Where is the fun in that?' I grunted as the belt came loose and the sword fell on the other side.

I held my skirt up with one hand as I made my way back into the house. At least I'd made it through the first meeting in one piece. I just needed to actually meet with the cleric as I had promised Allen and I would be ready for school the next day. Or Lance would be. I decided I may need to offer him a little extra education, so to speak. Tricking a sweet old lady so many times, I shook my head. For shame.

After I collected my sword, I made my way to the church. It wasn't a long walk; the church and the school were the two largest places in town. I happily smiled and waved at my grumpy old neighbors as I strolled through the sleepy part of town, then excitedly picked up my pace as I walked past the homes of the younger and more energetic. I briefly considered stopping by my daughter's house to 'introduce' myself but decided it could wait a day. Who knew when the mushrooms would shift my appearance again?

Finally, I arrived at the large church and walked past the little marble gargoyles on either side of the entrance. Allen was waiting for me, looking exasperated. "You certainly took your time, 'Lara'," he chided before gesturing to a large and familiar Orc in a billowy white robe. "You should apologize to Cleric Oggthrock, he's a busy man and is doing us both a favor by examining your curse. It was rude to make him wait." I examined the veritable statue of muscles I didn't know any creatures had.

"A pleasure, Ogg," I greeted and he gave me a kindly, toothy smile. "I was delayed by Lance. He was telling me all about his agreement with both of you to trick me into unneeded visits with cruel and unusual threats of liquid food." Oggthrock and Allen shared a guilty glance.

"I'm certain I have no idea what you mean, Lorretta," the orc awkwardly dismissed as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I am a cleric of the thirteen deities, I would never deceive a patient!" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'm certain you wouldn't, you're such a big sweetheart, and if you did, I'd thrash you with a stick, regardless of my body's age," I smiled sweetly and he chuckled nervously.

"Oh come off it, you know it's the only way to keep your stubborn ass alive," Allen waved off. "Good luck with her Cleric, I'm washing my hands of this!" He then, despite his brave words, hurried out of the church as Ogg addressed me.

"I-In any case, we should get a look at this curse," Oggthrock stumbled. It was extremely disarming. Unlike one might expect, his gentle demeanor and build like three smaller bodybuilders in a trench coat made him a very calming presence. My irritation with him was no match for it.

"Right, right. Go ahead," I acquiesced and he nodded. He began waving his arm in a spell I didn't understand and his magical energy enveloped me like a warm hug. He got out a bottle of water that he unceremoniously splashed in my face. He claimed this was a necessary part of his examinations but as I shook it off I couldn't help but wonder. Nevertheless, he shortly finished his spell and gave me a grim look. For the first time that day, I worried I might be in actual danger.

"I'm sorry, Loretta. I'm so, so sorry," He grieved. His face was the faded words engraved on a forgotten headstone. The depths of sorrow chilled my bones.

"What, what is it, what's wrong?" I begged and he held his hand over his mouth.

"Listen... the truth is..." He trailed off.

"The truth is what? What's wrong Ogg?" I pleaded, actual panic truly setting in.

"The truth is... we did trick you with the broth. I know, not very honest, but damn Lory, you'd let yourself die if we didn't. The good news is, the curse seems harmless. A little unstable, but there are ways to help with that. It'll break on its own in a couple of weeks or so," he finally admitted and I drew my lips to a line. Yeah, alright. I'd given him and Allen some trouble over the years, so I couldn't exactly complain about the trick or the petty revenge, but that had just been mean.

I started cracking my knuckles. "Alright, listen here motherfucker..."