Of course there are a great many planes of existence that circle the world we know as Taleron. But those of most interest to most are the various heavens and hells which are associated with specific gods, pantheons, and other powerful beings of both good and evil. While it is still heavily debated which came first, the realms or the beings that rule them (see notes Appendix Plane Existence Arguments 2.) What can not be debated is how the creatures that inhabit each zone pair well with whatever environment dominates that particular zone of existence.

Furthermore the power and danger of each zone is in direct relation to the leylines and soul wells that inhabit each. It’s for this reason that what we might consider to be the “lowest” and “highest” realms of hells and heavens respectively are of increasing danger to any normal beings. It is not recommended that anyone but the most seasoned adventurers and experts travel before the first or perhaps second rings of heavens and hells. Depending on the season and the day of course (see Seasonal Travel Danger Index 5.)

What is of most concern, and interest in watching these realms is the recent influx of human souls. Due to their relatively short lifespans and yet disproportionate moral and ethical range they have begun to flood nearly every plane of existence in what we can consider the afterlife. While it is still unclear who taught humans about the concept of religion and the afterlife it has been regarded in most academic circles as a disastrous mistake. However I can not express enough delight at the sudden changes being made in millennia old social structures across the realms of existence.

For example each realm has only just begun to adapt to this sudden surge in numbers of both potential subjects and resources. Several enterprising demon lords for example have taken to offering humans management positions as they have proven to be far more efficient and industrious in the field of torture and punishment than most demons. This has started to lead to higher demon unemployment rates which is troublesome for the various princes and barons of the hells.

I for one look forward to seeing how this develops and if the ancient hierarchy of demons and angels can even survive. For example a human farmer whose soul after death somehow ended up in the deepest hell has already usurped one of the elder Barons and taken over an ancient fiefdom. I do hope to mount an expedition to this realm shortly to discover how a peasant soul armed with a pitchfork managed this feat (see Addendum Baron Barry the Brutal, Deathlord of Barryland.) The only thing I can say for certain is that the arrival of humans in the planes of the afterlife change everything.

-Nomadius, Archon of Travel. A Foreword on the Planes of the Afterlife within Observations, an Archon’s travel guide to Taleron.

“AAAHHHH! OH IT BURNS! THE AGONY! THE INTENSE UNBEARABLE PAIN!” Sherry rolled her eyes for a moment and coiled up her whip.

“You know overacting doesn’t mean I’ll whip you less. In fact it might make me whip you more just to get you to shut up.” She informed her current client who was strapped to the X frame before her, his face away from her.

“What? You don’t like hearing people scream like this? I thought demons get off on this.” The gentlemen in question looked over his shoulder at her, his back marred by five recent lashes of the whip.

“I’m only half demon. I really only took this job because my father wanted me to follow in the trade. But why are you concerned about me enjoying it? Aren’t you here for grade 4 intensity soul punishment?” She asked then as she approached her bound client.

“What? No there must be some sort of mistake. I’m here for the Grade 6 torture sex. I was a devout follower of Messorisen in life. I thought they said to find a good looking demon down the left corridor who isn’t busy and just go for it. You looked plenty attractive to me so I just figured…” Sherry shook her head at that and pulled on the lever to open up the metal clamps holding the human to the frame.

“No no no, you wanted to head straight and then the first left at the next junction. You’re looking for the Mistresses of Pain, I’m just a low tier ironic pain bringer. Mostly for prudes and envious sorts.” She told him as the man let out a slow hum of understanding as he then reached down to collect his clothes.

“Ooohhhhh got it. Well, your whip technique is pretty great I must say. So then I go…” He hesitated as he walked to the door and she pointed to the right.

“Back down the hall the way you came, then the first left, and the first left after that. If the torch is white they’re not busy. If it’s red they’re busy. If it’s blue that means it’s a group session and walk ins are welcome. If the torch is out they’re out of the office.”

“Alright! Thanks!” The man began to hum as he carried his clothes down the hall then. There wasn’t a ceiling to the cells, that way people could still hear the screams and cries echoing out but the individual rooms had been set up for more privacy. Sherry figured they needed better signs so souls stopped getting lost so often. She waved her hand at her torch then making it burn white and closed her door as she headed to her desk in the corner to wait for the next client.

She didn’t even make it to her desk before there was a knock on her door and she turned just as it opened and a familiar figure jumped into the room, a bouquet in one hand. “Hey honey it’s me!

STEVE SPELLSLINGER

Steve grinned while Sherry blinked away spots in her eyes. “The special effects when you do that is a bit much.” She waved her hand to clear away some of the smoke left over from his display of fire and lightning that he shot off while shouting his own name.

“Think so?” He asked as he walked over to hand her the bouquet. “It impresses most people. Well… most non mages I guess.”

“Oohhh flowers!” Sherry cooed out then and took them from Steve, sniffing at them as a few snapped and hissed at her presence. “Hellweed, fresh snapping Sunflowers, even Doom Daisies!” She giggled a little as she held the bouquet before her and inspected the collection of magical plants. They were her favorites. Then she looked up at the smiling human before her. “What did you do?”

“What?” He asked looking confused. “Nothing?”

“Why do you sound unsure then?” She countered as she narrowed her eyes.

“I… what? I just… I didn’t do anything!” He insisted then.

“No? Didn’t fuck some little skank? Worried I might melt your balls for forgetting our anniversary?” She asked as she set her hands on her hips, ignoring the hissing flowers she still clutched. He blinked at that and raised his hands defensively.

“What?! We celebrated our anniversary two months ago! And I brought you something for Kra... Krrazni… that… whatever that holiday is called. I didn’t fuck anyone either! You’re my girlfriend! I wanted to bring you some flowers! Sheesh! Can’t a guy be nice?” As he said that she smiled again and he sighed. “Do you always have to try and make me confess to things I haven’t done?”

“It’s an occupational hazard.” Her tail twitched from side to side as she giggled again and leaned up to kiss Steve on the cheek. “They’re beautiful. I’ll be sure to set them in some fresh blood right away.”

“Especially the hellweed. I’m not sure how hungry it is.” Steve mentioned as she carried the bouquet to her desk to look for a vase.

“Really? I thought you were good about feeding your garden.” She mentioned over her shoulder.

“I am, but these assholes ruined my entire garden. And my grandparent cemetery. So I had to hunt those all down in the wild… which does bring up my next question. How would you like to help me get revenge?” When he asked that the half demon laughed and tucked the stems of the plants into a vase she’d fill with blood later.

“Now it becomes clear. You bring me a bribe before asking for my help.” She looked back at Steve then who shook his head.

“No no no, I brought those because I love you. I was going to give you some anyway before my garden got wrecked and! Oh right the big and!” He started to get excited then and smiled wide before striking a pose. “And I am now a full fledged mage! The graduation ceremony is in three days so I came to invite you!”

“You did it? But I thought you were failing all your classes?” She arched a brow as he laughed.

“Never underestimate my determination to win!” He said as he smiled and opened his arms wide.

“You cheated didn’t you?” She asked and he let out an annoyed grunt before shaking his head.

“I made them a bet.” He crossed his arms then looking upset which made her laugh.

“Of course! Anyone who teleports as often as you do is quite the gambler.” When she said that he smirked and opened his arms, pulling her in close for a hug before she could try to escape.

“Oh but look at what a wonderful result that has lead to! Without that fateful mishap of magic I wouldn’t have met Sherry Sunderclaw the sssssuper ssssexy ssssuccubus.” He leaned down then, carefully avoiding her horns so he could kiss her which she gladly reciprocated for a moment before pulling back.

“Half.” She corrected.

“The half sexy succubus?” He asked and as she glared up at him he laughed. “I tease I tease! The fully, totally, way hotter than any full succubus half human… hedonist… mmmhhhh…” He trailed off as his eyes looked up into the sky of this particular hell. “Oh hellcat! Doesn’t quite flow as well… but no matter.” He smiled as she rolled her eyes but then pulled away from his hug.

“Even so I’d love to come to your graduation but I’m not sure they’ll let me into the academy.” At that he just snorted.

“Let them fucking try to stop us. I’m allowed to invite whoever I want! That means you!” He insisted as he hugged her close.

“Are you sure it wouldn’t just be easier to give me some sort of magical disguise?” She asked.

“What? For a mage’s academy? That place is covered in wards and protective magics. There’s no way in hell any sort of disguise spell would last a second. No, you’re coming exactly as you are! Because I’m proud of you! And you’ll finally get to meet my family!” He smiled and then watched her slowly frown before his smile faded as well. “Have you still not told your father? Are you ashamed of me?”

When he asked her that she smirked a little. “I am a little bit. I’m going to have to explain to all my friends and family that I’m dating this doofus who runs around literally throwing magic at people! Oh, how love is not only blind but really has terrible taste in men.”

“Oohhh you wound me ma’am.” Steve replied with a very serious tone which made her laugh and then slap his chest.

“My father is a Baron! It’s not a light thing to tell him I’m dating a human! Let alone one without a kingdom or a mountain of gold!” She went on then and Steve looked confused.

“You’re half human! You are literal proof that he has sex with humans! Let alone the fact that his wife, your mother, is full human!” Steve pointed out which made Sherry sigh.

“First of all she’s responsible for more soul reaping than any of his demons and a huge asset to his powerbase… And… I… There was a second point I had…” She pursed her lips as she trailed off and looked blank for a moment. “Oh! He was also one of many sons! He wasn’t next in line to be Baron! My mother and him had to kill several of his brothers to secure his position. While I am unfortunately his only child. There’s a lot of political pressure for alliances and what not.”

“Oh fuck that shit.” Steve quickly retorted. “Just tell your parents to have sex more often! Make you some brothers and sisters!”

“Gross.” Sherry quickly replied before Steve went on.

“Furthermore you know I think all that arranged political marriage bullshit is… bullshit.” He frowned at that and shrugged not thinking up any better words for it.

“Well here in hell it’s still pretty common. Besides if you were born into a family with enough power to get you married to me I think you’d change your tune.” She smiled and was about to lean up to kiss him but he stepped back, setting a hand on his mouth as he examined her. “What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m trying to decide if you’re hot enough for me to change my tune in such a scenario.” As she glared at him and began to move her hands to conjure a fireball he laughed and pulled her close to end her magic casting. “Joking! Joking!” He insisted. “But seriously fuck all that. Getting lost in hell was the best thing that ever happened to me.” When he leaned back down to give her another kiss he heard her purr softly and give him a quick peck on the lips.

“Before anything else, let's talk about your revenge.” She reminded him about why he came here and he nodded.

“Right, yes. So, these asshole adventurers called crap-” He started only to have Sherry interrupt.

“Crap?” She asked, arching a brow, obviously surprised.

“Ah… Casurion Royal Adventurers Patrol.” He explained and Sherry nodded slowly.

“Crap.” She finally said with a sigh. “How silly… But did you pick a fight with some nobles again?”

“No!” He insisted. “They destroyed my garden even though I had a bunch of warnings. One of them was even another student! They could have told me something was going on! Look I don’t have time to explain. Just… it seriously wasn’t my fault!”

“So you’re out for revenge? Going to kill them I suppose?” She sounded a bit bored with the idea but even so Steve just growled out.

“Kill them?! How bad do you think I am?! That would make me as bad as they are! No. No killing! I am going to get my revenge without harming anyone!” Then she looked thoughtful as he told her that. Now she was intrigued.

“How… do you propose to do that?” She asked.

“I’m… not sure yet.” He admitted which caused her to arch a brow and look at him. “But I do have a plan!” He raised a finger. “First of all they’re adventurers! Which means that they adventure! I’m positive that they’ll put themselves into a position where sooner or later I can get my just revenge!”

“So how do I factor into that?” She asked. “Need me to corrupt one of their souls?”

“Noooooo!” He let out an exasperated gasp. “You know how I feel about stuff like that! Again, too rough! No. I just need uh… a certain someone to help me spy on them… see where they’re going. You see they’re currently in a tavern… so I was hoping maaaaaayyybe… Brunhilda can visit?” He slowly smiled then as she laughed.

“Ooohhh Brunhilda the busty tavern wench. Mmhhh?” She pulled away from him slightly. “The one with the giant tits who’s so clumsy she spills ale all over herself?” Steve bit his lower lip and then nodded rapidly. “You sure want that blonde idiot spying on some adventurers? What if they get… handsy?” She asked and pouted a little, looking up at him as she wiggled slightly side to side, her tail lashing around with her.

“Well then I’m sure you’d cut their hands off.” He said simply which made her laugh once more before she slapped his chest lightly.

“You’re supposed to get jealous and angry and talk about beheading them for my honor!” She said which made him snort.

“We both know I’m not the jealous sort. I know you know what you’re doing! So if you let them get handsy then you think it’s necessary! Because otherwise you’d cut their hands off with a cleaver and then slap them across the face with their own hands!” He said very matter of factly.

“You know most guys would hesitate before dating someone they openly expect to dismember people who annoy them.” She was purring even as she said that, pulling him closer to her rather than the other way around this time.

“Not me.” He muttered as he leaned down. “I think it’s hot.”

“Mmhhh… shall Brunhilda come out to play?” She asked then and he frowned as he looked down at her.

“What? And lose your horns, demon eyes, and forked tongue? Not a chance. I fell in love with you just the way you are. Not a busty tavern wench…” He leaned in to kiss Sherry once more before pulling away quickly. “Though… maybe the costume.” Which made her glare at him and he blinked. “No? That’s fine. Better even! Clearly better! I don’t even know why I suggested it!” She rolled her eyes but then laughed and smiled once more.

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Steve took a slow breath as he steeled himself and then walked forward into the temple. His skin felt like it was crawling as he looked up at all the statues gazing down at them. The stone reliefs making him shudder. He hated this place. Well… he hated all places like it. This specific temple wasn’t worse than the others. As he reached the altar he looked left and right but didn’t see anyone so he ventured around the back. There was a small wooden door hidden behind several massive statues which he pushed open and stepped inside.

There was a surprised gasp then as he saw an elven woman in rather plain clothes jump up from the table she had been sitting at, nearly tipping over what he thought was a cup of tea. “W-welcome traveling… human to the grand Temple of Kanissist! I am the oracle-”

“You weren’t expecting me were you?” He interrupted her spiel and the elf licked her lips nervously for a moment.

“If the god of fate does not share with me her wisdom regarding a new traveller than I was not meant to know it and the surprise she brings me must serve a greater purpose.” He stared at her as she said all that in one breath.

“That’s an awful lot of words for saying no you didn’t expect me. But that’s fine, you seem more… mortal this way. In what I’m guessing are comfortable clothes instead of the slutty dress you’re normally supposed to wear.” She looked upset and opened her mouth to talk before he raised a hand. “A comment on what you’re forced to wear. Not what you choose to wear.”

She frowned then and crossed her arms, examining him for a moment before speaking. “You are not known to me. Your presence was not announced by my daily auguries. Are you a messenger of… a human god perhaps?” Steve just slowly arched an eyebrow at that and she shrugged. “I suppose not then. Are you here to kill me then?” She lifted her chin. “You will not hear me beg for my life unless I am told to by my goddess and clearly I was not.”

“I’m not here to kill you!” He raised his hands to show he carried no sword. “People seem to be awful quick to jump straight to killing other people… No. I’m here simply to get some information.”

“Oh?” She sounded surprised and then frowned and slowly turned her head to the side. “Ohhh?” He just kept staring at her as she seemed to take her time deciding what he meant by that before she shrugged slowly. “Many of course seek the answers to what lies in their future and if they offer sufficient sacrifice to-”

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“Nope. None of that. I hate the idea of fate and think all that concept does is trap people into what they expect to happen. You can’t tell the future, you just get told a possibility of it by your god and when you tell other people it makes them believe it too, so it happens. No.” He shook his head. “I believe in free will. But what I do want to know is what you told Arturian Assdragon and his team of cronies.”

The oracle gasped softly at his crass words. “I have no desire to share with you the prophecy which I-” She stopped as he held up a hand and then opened a small book he had with him, not the giant spellbook hanging from the chain on his belt.

“In order to avoid further conflict and violence regarding potential oracles, prophets, soothsayers, and other fortune tellers… Blah blah… where is it... Aha! All such beings and professions shall share with any and all adventurers the same fortune, prophecy, blah blah blah, with other adventurers so that no one party can gain an unfair advantage in a quest.” He closed the book then and smiled even as the oracle frowned and glared at him. After a few seconds she sighed and then ran a hand through her hair.

“Very well human… I shall say to you as I have spoken to them! One must follow the trail of the ancient forest folk past the glade of benevolence where they will slay the bringer of discontent! There they shall find the omen to point the way to the misty peaks of yore where lies the great beast. Here it is they shall speak of the words of friendship and courage to reveal its true form so that they may do battle with it. Only if their hearts are pure can they achieve triumph and claim a great fortune! But they best beware the portents of malice for even those who they might trust can do them untold harm!” Steve just kept staring at her silently once she was done. For several seconds they stood there in silence until Steve slowly nodded.

“Uuuh huh.” He finally muttered before pulling a map out of one of his pockets and unfolding it on top of her table. “So, this is a map of the area. Why not point to me where I’m supposed to go at the end and tell me what it is I’m looking for?”

“If you do not like my manner of pulling back the shroud of time to reveal to you the path you must take that is not my concern. For I speak with the mouth of the goddess of fate! Only the worthy and obedient will be given the foresight to understand the true meaning of my words!” While she said that Steve began to pull some ingredients from his vest.

“Riiight right. What you mean to say is you just like fucking with adventurers. Now then… I’ll give you one more chance to simply tell me what you mean before I take matters into my own hands… That doesn’t mean I’ll harm you. I promise you that. It’s not a threat of violence.” The elf woman frowned as she watched him rubbing his fingers together.

“I have nothing more to say.” She replied with a shrug and then he nodded and held his hands to his mouth before blowing dust in her face. She coughed then and backed up, waving away the dust that hung in the air before her face. “You said you wouldn’t attack me!”

“Oh that was hardly an attack! Well… not a physical one anyway. So, let me ask you something. Did the goddess of fate specifically tell you to tell those adventurers that… whatever you told me?” As he asked her that she set her hands on her hips looking very upset as she seemed ready to yell at him but instead she said:

“No.” Then she looked confused and blinked while opening and closing her mouth a few times.

“Did the goddess of fate tell you anything specific about those adventurers?” He asked then.

“No.” Once more she looked confused and reached up to touch her face before clamping both hands over her mouth.

“Did the goddess of fate tell you anything specific about the quest?” He asked and she shook her head before letting out a cry of despair as if she wasn’t in control of her answers.

“So what did she tell you?” He asked.

“She simply told me there’s a dragon in the mountains here that she thinks adventurers should find and attack.” She pointed to the Foggy Mountains and specifically at the area around Warden’s Peak. After that she screamed out for a moment and gasped. “What did you do to me you… human!”

“Ah, see this I’m really proud of.” He stared with a smile. “It’s a brand new curse. One I made myself! A human curse even! Though… I’m not sure I want to admit that one of the first human spells is a curse… anyway I’ve cursed you with honesty. Not just any honesty. I have cursed you so that you must truthfully answer any question asked of you in a way that it could be understood by a child. A human child. Say… five years old.” He shrugged. “And human children don’t understand confusing ass open worded prophecies.” He grinned as her eyes went wide.

“You human!” She cried out and looked confused as he nodded slowly.

“I have noticed that part of the curse makes you have to be purely literal. You can’t use a lot of insults on me because… well let's say you wanted to call me a monster. I’m not literally a monster so the curse won’t let you. All you know for sure is I’m human. You can still say you want me dead, or hate me, or stuff like that. But you can’t call me a shithead because I’m obviously not literally a shithead… I’m not quite sure what a literal shithead would be…” He trailed off and peered up at the ceiling as he thought it over and then shrugged.

“You will suffer for this! The goddess of fate doesn’t like people messing with her servants! Only she can mess with her servants!” The oracle blinked at that last part and Steve shrugged.

“Hey that’s between you and her. Anyway, so a dragon is out here you said. Is it evil?” Steve asked as he pointed at the map again.

“I have no idea.” Then she clamped her mouth shut trying not to say any more.

“Okay… why would the goddess of fate tell you to tell adventurers to attack a dragon you don’t know is evil? In fact why not tell me how the goddess of fate normally operates in such matters?” He saw the fear in the oracle’s eyes even as she began to talk.

“Well the goddess of fate is mostly bored with the actions of mortals. She simply tries to make as many powerful adventurers and monsters fight for her amusement until such a time as she thinks something really important should happen and will then set up whatever she needs to to make something specific happen so she doesn’t care if the dragon is good or evil but wants people to fight it because that might be interesting and in fact hundreds of potentially not evil creatures are attacked every year on her orders.” The oracle gasped for air at the end then as she had said all that in a rush without any break. There were tears in her eyes then.

“And that bit about the portents of malice and someone they trust doing them harm?” He asked.

“I told one of their guides that they might be involved in a powerful and ancient prophecy but that such a person would have to murder one of their friends. It’s fairly common for the goddess of fate to want to turn party members against each other to keep things interesting.” This time she nearly collapsed back into her chair, crying after revealing to Steve the truth.

“Wow… that sounds… fucked up.” Steve said as he thought about it before picking up his map. “Okay, well uh you have fun… fucking with adventurers in the name of your crazy god and I’ll just go.”

“Wait! You… please uncurse me!” She gasped out as she jumped from her chair to grab him by his vest.

“Here’s what I’ll do. If you don’t betray me to those adventurers then I’ll uncurse you. I’ll be back once I’ve seen to it that my trap works and my revenge is complete. Until then… I’d avoid people. Unless you’d like to explain to them whatever they want to know. Maybe become a teacher? I’m sure plenty of towns would like a kind elf woman to explain things to their kids.” He shrugged and then raised a finger. “Ah, but I’d like to point out before I go. Either the goddess of fate saw this happening and didn’t warn you because she’s a dick, or she didn’t see it coming and she’s not that powerful. Either way I’d rethink my profession if I were you.” He shrugged and then gently tugged her hands from his vest before teleporting away.

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“Pancakes?” Archsorcerer Duskmaw stared at the plate before her. “After all the meals you’ve made so far today you come to me with nothing more than pancakes?”

“Do you still doubt my ability after this last week?” Steve asked. “You might just see pancakes but what you don’t appreciate is the work that’s gone into them! Not only is it a giant stack but I’ve gone tropical with the flavors!” He added with a smile and the creature pretending to be an elf looked up at him with an arched eyebrow.

“Tropical?”

“Yes.” He said with a nod and waved at the plate as he began to explain. “You see I’ve made these perfectly fluffy and decadent pancakes with macadamia nuts, drowned them in specially made coconut syrup, and topped it all with a giant pile of whipped butter that’s spiced with just a hint of cinnamon, citrus, and it’s gone.” He blinked in confusion as the plate he was looking at was suddenly empty. There were bits of macadamias left behind and a bit of butter and syrup but no pancakes.

When Duskmaw suddenly let out a deep burp he looked over and saw syrup stained around her mouth which she was licking away. She looked up at him then and shrugged trying to look innocent. Steve scratched his head for a moment then. “Wha… did you just stop time so you could eat the pancakes and experience every second of the meal as if it were longer or something?”

“Good catch.” The creature was purring heavily as she finished licking the syrup from around her mouth, the tongue far too long and dexterous to belong to an elf, but certainly long enough to make Steve shudder at the sight. “So, you wish to trade in all the favors you’ve earned making me these decadent meals for an artifact of power?” She asked, ignoring her napkin as she began to suck more leftover syrup from her fingers, purring all the while.

“Yessssss.” He was still a bit stunned by what had happened seeing as how a time stop or time slow spell was incredibly ancient and powerful magic that even he hadn’t been able to cast. Yet Duskmaw had somehow managed it without him ever seeing her even moving her hands or uttering any words of power. Finally he shook his head and pulled a paper from a pocket. “I’ve got a list. The Rod of Desoros.”

“Don’t have it.” She said then.

“The Scepter of Septar?” He asked and she shook her head. “The Crystal Eye of-” He didn’t even finish asking before she shook her head once more. “The Rock of Kranixxas?”

“Well you butchered the pronunciation but still. No.” She informed him and he growled in response.

“You said you had a supply of ancient and powerful artifacts that you’d trade for more of my meals!” He exclaimed to which she nodded.

“And I do. But you just named four priceless, ancient, and very much lost artifacts. You can’t expect me to have some magical surprise hoard of treasure you know.” She countered.

“Oh can’t I?” As he said that he narrowed his eyes and watched her carefully.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked with a frown.

“I’m not buying your elf body! You’re clearly not an elf! I hear you purr and growl and when you grin you’ve got too many teeth!” He pointed a finger at her as she just laughed and slowly smiled.

“Oh silly little human. How foolish of you not to realize that what I am-”

“Is a dragon!” He shouted out and wagged his finger at her, grinning as he felt sure he’d figured it out.

“A dragon?” She asked. “Why would I possibly hide the fact that I’m a dragon? Many of the academy’s founders were dragons.” Steve stopped when she said that and lowered his hands as he stood straight and thought it over, looking up at the ceiling while he did.

“Oooohhh yeeeah.” He finally replied having totally forgotten about that. “Wait… what were you going to say then? Were you going to tell me?”

“What I was going to say my dear silly little chef is that what I am shall forever remain a mystery.” She smirked and he growled out.

“Gods damnit!” He cursed before blinking. “Wait… no fuck them. Just… magic damnit! Oh why am I even here?!” He tossed his hands into the air then.

“What’s next on the list?” She asked and Steve looked at Duskmaw for a few seconds, set his jaw, and then lifted his paper up to read from it once more.

“Weisz’s Amulet of Illusion.” He tried.

“Oh I do have that actually. Wonderful thing. Why do you want it anyway?” She asked as she got up.

“Some adventurers killed my garden so I’m out for revenge.” He explained.

“Ooohhh off to kill them then?” She asked as she began to guide him through the massive suite of rooms that made up her chambers in the academy.

“No! Why does everyone think revenge means killing people? There are far better less violent means of revenge!” He insisted. “Just let me say that it’s going to be very entertaining… for me at least.” He grinned as his plan was coming together nicely now.

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“Drrraaaggggoooon!” Steve banged a stick against the metal pot he was carrying. “Hhheelllloooo! Dragon dragon dragon! I’m here to taaaaaalk to you! Drrrraaaggooon! I’m going to keep being annoying until you come out! Drrrraagon dragon draaaggoooonnn!” He kept trying to make as much noise as possible. He was wearing a couple extra protective bracelets, rings, amulets, and belts today just in case the dragon turned out to be hostile.

He looked around the large cavern then, noticing a distinct lack of skeletons and charred corpses. He hoped that was a good sign. Nothing happened for a moment and he sucked in a deep breathe before one of the rock formations near him moved. He jumped and gasped out in surprise for a moment as a pile of what looked like rocks stood up to reveal itself to be a dragon. “A foolish knight come to kill me for my gold? I have none.”

When Steve heard it talk he let out a sigh of relief and set a hand on his chest for a moment. “Whew! You have no idea how glad I am to hear you talking like that! No! I’m not a knight! Do I look like a knight?”

“No, but you do look like a fool.” Steve nodded at that and tossed the pot and stick aside.

“I’ll give you that. And I didn’t know if you’d have any gold. I’m aware that lots of dragons don’t actually hoard treasure and stuff. In fact… what sort of dragon are you?” He asked as he looked up at the massive creature before him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be one of those types that can appear human.”

“I am a lesser stone dragon.” The creature informed him.

“I mean you don’t seem that bad to me even if I’ve just met you.” Steve said before thinking it over. “Oh! You mean lesser in sort of the same way dire just means bigger and meaner. And normally with more fangs. You’re just like… a dragon dragon then. No human form.”

“That is correct.” It nodded slowly while saying that. As it stood before him Steve noticed it’s very rocky looking skin began to blend with the cavern once more and even though he knew the creature stood before him he could barely see it.

“Impressive… uuhhh… just curious… you aren’t related to Cragtiles are you?” He slowly brought a hand up to one of his pockets in case he needed to get out of here in a hurry.

“We are both stone like creatures if that’s what you mean. If you want to know if I am related to any by blood or can speak with them then no. They are beasts purely and not intelligent. Why do you ask?” The dragon brought its massive head down then making Steve jump a little.

“Juuuust curious.” Steve said then with a shrug. “Anyway I’m here because some adventurers are coming to kill you, and I’m seeking revenge against them so-”

“So you want me to kill them.” The dragon said which made Steve gasp out.

“Seriously?! Is that all anyone can think about when I say revenge? No! I don’t want to kill them! I don’t even want you to kill them! But I also don’t want them to kill you!” He waved at the creature before him.

“Why should they want to kill me? I keep to myself in these mountains. I have not even eaten anyone’s livestock in many months, and when I do I pay them fairly for what I have taken. It’s only on accident anyway.” Steve looked up at the giant dragon before him and thought that over.

“I thought you said you don’t hoard gold.”

“I don’t. But I have enough to pay for the occasional cow or goat I eat that belongs to someone.” Steve nodded as the dragon told him that.

“Fair enough… They want to kill you because an oracle from Kanissist told them she wanted them to kill you.” The dragon growled softly at the news. “Yeah trust me I don’t like gods either. But hey, there is a habit I know all dragons share. Especially ones that are trying to hide their presence… so if you work with me you won’t die. They won’t die… but both of us will most surely get our revenge as they get exactly what they deserve. It involves illusions, some tricks, and plenty of acting on your part. So… what do you say?” He looked up at the dragon as it slowly leaned down to look at him eye to eye.

“Go on…”

___________

“STEVE!” Steve looked up and then around for a moment of confusion. He was in Aurbitas walking to the library to find some more books about his current topic of study when he saw four rather… pissed looking adventurers across the courtyard from him. He frowned as he tried to figure out what was going on when he realized who it was an his eyes went wide.

“HAH! AHAHAHAAHAHA!” He began to laugh as they stomped across the courtyard towards him. Turning he quickly jogged away from them and into a particular corridor he knew. It was near one of the side entrances to the academy and as such filled with wards and arcane constructs. Once inside he waited for the adventurers who had quickly sprinted after them. Once they joined him in the entryway he began laughing once more.

“Stop laughing you… you… fuck!” Irisia growled out as she notched an arrow in her bow.

“Warning hostile action detected.” One of the arcane constructs nearby began to stand up and the elven ranger quickly removed the arrow once more which made the construct sink back down. Even so Steve ignored it and spoke up.

“Oh man! That was like seven months ago! I nearly forgot about it! Did the illusion last that long? Wow! That amulet is even stronger than I thought!”

“It wore off a month ago.” Arturian hissed out.

“Oh and it took you guys a month to get here?” He was smiling wide still and then simply began to laugh once more. “AAHHH! This is amazing! This is better than I hoped! I remember being a bit bummed after like two months! I figured that it failed! But no! It was just taking time! Oh this is too good! Too gooood!”

“Dragon shit!” Arturian simply shouted which made Steve burst out laughing yet again. “DRAGON SHIT!” Arturian shouted even louder, which just made Steve laugh louder, clutching his sides by now.

“D-d-did you guys… ooohhhh… did you dive in it? That whole- 'Oh wow a pile of dragon treasure! Let me roll on it! Let me dive into it! Let me toss it in the air!' AAAAHH!” He screamed and dropped to the ground then obviously letting the mental images run away with his sanity.

“My King’s treasury is now tainted with dragon shit!” Arturian shouted and drew his sword, advancing towards the mage rolling around on the ground.

“Warning hostile action detected.” The arcane construct began to rise up but the knight growled and sheathed his sword making it sink down once more.

“Oh… oh man… too good… did… did you pay people with it? You must have! You had to have! And they looked down today and discovered they had a hand full of dragon shit!” Steve was gasping for air now, tears streaming down his cheeks. “How much… how much did you all buy? What do you all owe now that your coin has… become... “ He burst into laughter again, kicking in the air as he couldn’t contain himself.

The adventurers waited then, none wanting to talk while the mage cried and rolled around on the floor for another minute before he finally collected himself. Slowly he got up to his hands and knees and then stood up a little unsteady, wiping tears from his eyes. “Ooohhh tooo goood. You know I really didn’t think it would work. I tried to teach Grant how to act. I did! You’d think a creature of that age and intellect would have learned how to act at some point but he was awful. I mean… Blargh I am dead? How crap is that? But I guess he must have listened to my advice when you did finally show up.”

Steve was slowly gasping for air to make up for what he’d lost while laughing and then saw the look on their faces. He pointed at them then and gasped. “No! He didn’t?! Did he literally shout Blarg I am dead at the end? AND YOU BOUGHT IT?!” This set off another fit of laughter as the mage collapsed to the ground once more. This time it was Fortin’s turn to draw his hammer only to have to put it away as the arcane construct began to react.

“Curse it all! Stand up ye daft bastard! Ye’ll answer fer this act! Ye know we’ll kill ya in a fair fight so you hide behind this damn magics! Coward!” The dwarf shouted out. This did make Steve stop laughing and once more slowly get back to his feet. He set his hands on his hips and slowly shook his head.

“Seriously? You guys are here to kill me?” He sighed and shook his head and then took a few slow breaths, still trying to get his wind back. “You guys can’t laugh about this? About… what? Cart loads? Wagons full? Of dragon shit? Treasure chests! How many treasure chests are now filled with dragon shit? C’mon! It’s funny! Well… to me. I didn’t set out to kill you guys! I just made you root around and dig through literal tons of dragon shit. That was my revenge! And you’re all so boring and unimaginative you’re just here to kill me? You disappoint me!”

“You deserve to die for what you’ve done evil mage!” Arturian pointed at Steve then.

“What? What did I do?” He asked then. “What was so wrong and evil that it demands my death?” The adventurers were quiet for a moment before Quari spoke.

“You cursed an oracle!”

“Ah! Yes I did curse her. With honesty! I denied her the ability to deceive people! Is that terrible? She told one of your guides that if he killed one of you he might be a chosen… person in a prophecy!” They looked at each other then. “Did she not tell you that?”

“You promised to uncurse her!” Irisia said then, ignoring what he’d just told them.

“I took a page from her own god’s book! I made a self fulfilling prophecy! The illusion would eventually wear off, you’d track her down as you figured out what happened, she’d have to tell you what I did because of my curse, therefore betraying me! That way I don’t have to uncurse her!” He shrugged. “I mean I will after this anyway. I needed her to tell you guys what I did. She did her part. I’ll let her get back to lying to adventurers.”

“Ye consorted with a vile and evil fiend!” Fortin shouted then.

“Who? Grant? That dragon wasn’t evil! He never killed anyone! The only time he interacted with people was to pay farmers for cattle and livestock he ate by mistake! He was a nice guy! You might have learned that if you’d talked to him rather than simply trying to fucking kill him on the orders of a deranged god who just pits adventurers against powerful creatures for her amusement!” Steve set his hands on his hips.

“We’re still going to kill you.” Arturian hissed out as he slowly gripped the hilt of his sword, ready to draw it. Steve just shook his head slowly and then extended both of his hands, the middle finger raised on each.

“Fuck you all. I win. You tried to kill me before, and you’re trying to kill me now. But I made you all dig through dragon shit for six months. I fucking win.” He slowly waved his raised middle fingers from side to side to make it clear that they were for all four of the adventurers.

“We’ll kill you eventually. We’ll find a way to get around these guardians.” Irisia hissed out then, Fortin nodded and gripped his hammer, only Quari looked a little squeamish, hands wringing around her staff. “We’ll find a way to break through the wards and we will kill you for this.”

“Is that so?” Steve asked and lowered his hands for a moment. “Well, let me introduce you to someone else who wanted revenge on the four of you. Now… it wasn’t easy to convince him not to want to kill all of you. Do you happen to remember another elven mage a while back named Voreandrius? Well he wasn’t evil either. But he wasn’t as lucky as I was. Even so he made a few deals in the afterlife with my help and… well he told me if I ever needed his help all I’d have to do is ask… Or… shout.” Steve grinned wide and then once more extended his hands, middle fingers raised as he shouted out. “LITCHSLAP!”

The skeletal remains of an elf, clothed in the tattered robes of a mage, materialized before each of the adventurers then. Four skeletal hands simultaneously reached back and then swiped forward, each delivering an open handed slap across their faces before disappearing. The four stood there frozen for a moment. “That’s it?” Arturian finally said. “You think an open handed slap from a skeleton will have any effect on a paragon of righteousness and good such as myself? Hah! I laugh at your petty attempt to kill us you pathetic little coward! You are a disgrace to all humanity!”

“First of all, that wasn’t an attempt to kill or harm any of you. And second of all. Nuh uh! You are!” Arturian growled and prepared to say more but then the arcane constructs all around the room began to rise up.

“Warning! High potency undead magic residue detected! High potency undead magic residue detected!” Each of the constructs began to lumber down off their pedestals as they approached the adventurers who drew their weapons, aside from Quari who shouted out.

“Friends wait! They will only detain us and delitch us! It is a harmless process! Do not fight them! If you fight them we’ll be expelled from the academy! The wards will consider you threats and behave accordingly!”

“I have had it with these! Kill them! Kill Steve!” Irisia shouted out and fired a pair of arrows at Steve. But much like the last time they met a magic shield appeared before him which the arrows bounced off harmlessly. From behind the shield he just smiled and waved as the constructs closed in on the adventurers.

“Buh-bye!” And with that he quickly went through the motions to teleport away. Thus ends the first chapter in the decades long rivalry between Steve Spellslinger and C.R.A.P. The first chapter. But most certainly not the last.