Taleron is a planet of great dangers. With magic run rampant and the fights of angels and demons often spilling into the mortal realm, there is often need of groups of great heroes to come together to help protect the land. There are also times when it is needed for a group of moderately priced heroes to be hired to help those in need. And sometimes you simply need anyone who’s got some familiarity with a sword, or bow and arrow to clear out the direrats in the basement. Such is the nature of the world that the land is at time lousy with that special breed of mortal that can inflict such great and terrible damage upon the land and its inhabitants that while separated by a great many background and techniques they all share a common title. Adventurer. Or as a particular Archcaster would call them... “Murder Hobos.”

Adventurers are without a doubt a contentious lot. Their methods of wandering the realms looking for monsters to slay and loot to gain leave quite a bit to be desired for many. And yet none can deny their essential nature to the very survival of the world thanks to the great many plots by the forces of evil and misguided good alike. So despite their… questionable tactics in pursuing their goals they are left alone by the laws and forces of the land to do their jobs. Except in the young Almeran Republic where they prefer to let their own military fill the role in a way. But we’ll talk more about the Almerans another time.

With the constant questing and adventuring that these questionable young “heroes” perform it is unavoidable at times that there will be… mistakes. Both in how they deal with their given task and how they deal with fellow adventurous souls that might otherwise have aided them. Or at the very least given them a reasonable rate for their services. There are times when these feuds can build into things of legend. Often it is between a group of adventurers and a particular evil lord, or angelic lawbringer who will meet again and again on the field of battle throughout their lives until a very dramatic and climactic battle can be finally waged to end things once and for all.

But sometimes… Sometimes these feuds can build between like minded individuals who simply get off on the wrong foot. Many have heard of the longstanding rivalry between the legendary Casurion Royal Adventurers Patrol and the most infamous of the early human Archmages. But while the feud is sung of often in taverns, mead halls, and palaces it is very seldom that anyone speaks of how it all got started. In part because few know just it all happened, and because most of those who know don’t want to talk about it. This is of course another story of that most notorious of magic users. This is the story about the start of:

STEVE SPELLSLINGER Vs C.R.A.P.

“Yae and verily we have done the work of the divine here today.” Arturian Überdragon. Future king of the Casurion Isles. Keeper of the Philosopher’s kidney stone. Wielder of the legendary sword Exgladiamagnus. Founder of the Knight Nobles Of Baristhor. Chosen champion of the divine Naranye, patron god of the Casurion people. Leader of C.R.A.P. Currently a simple Knight Sergeant working to obtain a promotion to Knight Sergeant Resolute.

“Clearly this is the work of some foul evil minion to build a Hellweed nest so close to a town of simple and poor farmers.” Added Quari’Nivisis’Thresia’Silindis and that’s just her shortened name. More commonly known as Quari the Fair. Future divine champion of Kanissist the elven goddess of fate. First Archmage and founder of the Order of Purity, an elvish only order of mages and magic users. Wielder of the legendary Starstaff of Orinius. Graduated from Aurbitas as Discipulus Princeps nearly one year ago.

“Aye, tis clearly the work of a nefarious an’ ill minded individual. One we must hunt down fer their obvious crimes.” Chimed in Fortin Ironshield. Future Paragon and ruler of the Indomitable Keep. Wielder of the legendary mace Stormbringer. Keeper of Sacred Golden Banana. Devout priest and champion of Fjorducan the dwarven gods of judgment and blacksmithing. Founder of the Order of Iron. Current Priest Militant on loan to C.R.A.P.

“Perhaps… but I sensed no corruption of this glade despite the presence of these evil plants. Whoever brought them here showed great skill to not upset the balance of this place. They are clearly as cunning and intelligent as they are evil. We must be wary.” Mentioned Irisia Fullquiver. The eventually renowned Silent Slayer, guardian of the Forest. Wielder of the legendary dagger Sharpfang, and the equally legendary bow Rosethorn. Divine champion of Silvaria the elven goddess of the forest. Founder of the Unicorn Riders. More fearsome and deadly force than they might sound. But currently a simple Ranger Cadet, training with C.R.A.P. to become a full fledged Ranger.

“Indeed fair ranger! Off with us then to bring righteousness and divine glory to the impoverished peoples of this land!” Arturian said then leading his team out of the now cleansed nest of Hellweeds to get their just rewards from the town council that had hired them to clear this place out. It was only 20 minutes since their departure that a form flickered into existence at the edge of the trees that held the now purged glade of supposed corruption.

“Gonna have a goooood day! Gonna see my girlfriend! Gonna bring her a present! Gonna graduate! Gonna smoke up some… What the fuck!” Steve Spellslinger’s good mood was shattered when he walked forward through the trees to see the remains of the battle that had just occurred. “Who the fuck ruined my garden?! What the shit!” The human ran his hands through his hair as he looked around at the ruins of his carefully tended plants.

“Who the fuck? Why! Gods damnit!” He shouted as he realized that they’d all been scorched bad enough to render all of his herbs and reagents entirely useless. Not to mention the gift he was going to bring his girlfriend. He hastily walked out of the glade then and towards the nearest farm to this particular group of trees that had once sheltered his private garden. He saw the farmer tending to his fields… or rather the farmer tending to the local lord’s fields. “Barris! Barris!” He called out as he ran towards the man, blinking across the field several times to get there faster.

“Oh ‘ello Master Spellslinger.” The farmer greeted him once he was close enough, leaning against the plow his ox was slowly dragging across the field.

“Barris I told you just call me Steve. I’m not a lord or whatever.” Steve mentioned and then waved a hand dismissively. “What I want to know is what the hell happened to my garden!”

“Did no one contact ya then? I thought maybe you’d had something happen, or fallen into an argument with Count Cromhill.” The farmer frowned, his large mustache drooping with his face.

“What? No! Not… that I know of. And no one contacted me!” Steve stressed. “What happened?”

“Well ya just missed it too. Ya see… musta been a few weeks back now. The Count went off to war again. I believe… somethin’ about some other lord being insulted by… some different lord? Maybe? Anyway in his stead ‘e left the town council to manage his lands. An’ one of them didn’t like the signs ya had put up so ‘e sent some people to take them down.”

“Didn’t… didn’t like the signs I had set up?” Steve asked. “The giant signs warning people about the dangerous plants? And to not go any further?! Those signs?!”

“Ya… musta been. I can’t read ya know.” The farmer mentioned which made Steve sigh and shake his head. “Well anyway, so they sent some folks to take down the signs… and once they took the front ones down they went into the woods to take down the others… and-”

“Let me guess. They got attacked by the plants.” Steve interrupted.

“Yup.” The farmer said with a slow nod.

“The plants that the signs warned them about…” Steve trailed off and then groaned. “None of them knew how to read either did they?”

“Nup.” The farmer said with a slow shake of his head. “So they called those adventuring fellows to come clear out the trees.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose then, eyes clenched shut as he began to work out what had happened. “So, the Count who I’ve painstakingly negotiated with for that bit of private land went to war. The town council he left in charge didn’t like the signs I had left up, and then made people take them down. Those people were not warned by the council, and couldn’t read the signs so they were attacked. Then they hired a bunch of adventurers to go kill my garden? Is that everything?” He moved his hand then and opened his eyes to look at the farmer.

It took a few seconds for the farmer to process what had been said before he slowly nodded. “Yup. That sounds like all of it.” Steve let out a frustrated growl then.

“Just wonderful! Woooonderful! All that hard work gone!” He set his hands on his hips then trying to think about what he would do next.

“Ya know… They did mention headin’ back to the council. Maybe ya can talk to them there?” Barris offered then and Steve nodded, wagging a finger in the air.

“That’s what I’ll do! I’ll talk to those bastards and ask why they didn’t just call me like the sign said! I know one of those adventurers can read!” He fumed for a moment and then thought it over. “Where’s the town council?”

“Well… I assume at their estates M… Steve.” The farmer mentioned which made Steve frown.

“Estates? Not like… a town hall or something?” He asked then.

“Why would they be in the town?” The farmer asked and Steve frowned in confusion before Barris realized what he was getting at. “Oh! Because they’re the town council? They run the town while the Count is away M’lo… Steve. They don’t live in it.” Steve groaned out at that.

“Of course they don’t! Remind me to give you some pamphlets I have about… Wait… you can’t read. Fuck… I need pamphlets with pictures. Well whatever! Do you know what estate they went to?” Steve asked then and the farmer nodded pointing to a hill in the distance with a large manor on top of it.

“Lord Middlebury’s house. E’s the one who didn’t like your signs Steve.”

“Right, well Lord Fucknugget is going to get an ear full.” Steve said then. “Thanks Barris! I’ll see you later!” He started to move and then stopped. “Did you happen to keep any of those herbs I gave you last time?”

“Ah sorry Steve, some of my friend’s came by and we got right knackered on the stuff. ‘Ell of a night. Next thing I know I’m comin’ to an’ Crisserfon is ridin’ ‘is prize ‘og all around the yard! Only ‘e’s on fire!”

Steve squinted a little and tilted his head to the side as he tried to make sense of that. “Which one was on fire?”

“Both of ‘em!” Barris said with a laugh and Steve shrugged.

“Well it can’t be helped. Sounded like you had fun at least. Right, see you later Barris!” The farmer nodded at him as Steve went running towards the manor in the distance, raising his hand above his head to keep blinking a little further across the fields as he ran. At that time across those very fields was Winfred Barthol a man at arms and guard of the gate. As he currently squinted at the figure in the distance he would pause to rub his eyes once in awhile.

“Ey!” He finally called out. “Fred!”

“What?” Came the voice from inside the gatehouse as the other guard tended to the pot of stew the two of them planned on having for dinner.

“I think my eyes are… Just take a look at this!” He called back. After a brief wait the other guard stepped out of the gatehouse, rubbing his hands on a rag that he tucked back into his belt once he was done. “Ya see ‘im?” He pointed out at the figure in the distance who was getting closer by the second.

“Yeah I see ‘im…” Fred trailed off then and blinked a few times before squinting much like his friend. “‘Old on… ‘Is ‘e getting closer all… like… jumpy?”

“It’s the damndest thing… An’ I can’t figure it out.” Winfred said. “It’s like every few feet ‘e just… gets closer. But like… too quick.” He finally leaned his spear against the wall and removed his helmet so he could scratch his head in confusion.

“Well… I guess we can just ask ‘im once ‘e’s close enough.” Fred mentioned. The two of them stood there watching the figure getting closer bit by bit until he was close enough for them to get a better look at what was going on. “Is ‘e like… disappearing and then reappearing just closer to us?”

“I think so… but only when ‘e sticks ‘is ‘and in the air.” Winfred realized. “‘Old on… ‘e’s not slowing down.” Winfred then added and quickly picked his spear back up, holding it loosely in his hands as he wasn’t exactly sure about what was going to happen when the stranger got close. Once the figure reappeared just a dozen feet before him he held his spear a bit tighter. “‘Alt! You can’t-” But then he watched the figure just raise his hand over his head and shout.

“Blink!” And with that Steve was on the other side of the gate and the two guards turned around to watch him run up the hill towards the manor house.

“Well blimey… I guess ‘e’s one of them wizard types.” Fred mentioned.

“Should we go after ‘im?” Winfred asked.

“What? I never fuck with them wizard types.” Fred replied with a slow shake of his head.

“Why not?” Winfred asked as he set his spear back against the wall.

“Cause none of ‘em fancy me mostly.” Fred answered with a shrug and they watched the wizard enter the house of their employer. “But also because I don’t get paid enough. If Reginald asks, we didn’t see nuffin.” He said and saw Fred nod in agreement.

Steve meanwhile was on the ground floor of the large house, walking across the earthen floor into the main hall that seemed to be the best place to start looking for his target. “Lord Fuckface! Where are you Lord Shithead?!” Aside from the empty tables and chairs arranged around the room he was alone as he prepared to head further into the house. But a door at the back of the hall opened and a young man dressed in what Steve assumed to be his finest clothes with a fancy look sword sheathed at his side stepped out.

“What’s the meaning of all this?” He demanded then.

“Ah you must be Lord Fucknugget.” Steve said as he approached the noble.

“I beg your pardon?!” The man gasped out which made Steve quickly retort.

“You can beg all you want! You aren’t getting my pardon!” As he said that and walked around the big table at the back to come face to face with the noble he began to tug ingredients from his pockets to start preparing a spell.

“Just who are you?” The noble asked as he began to draw his sword, clearly a bit nervous with how quickly Steve was approaching him.

“I’m the guy whose garden you hired some thugs to ruin!” He growled out as he kept mixing the ingredients in his hand.

“Those were your plants? They had to be taken care of! They were dangerous!” The noble protested but frowned as he watched Steve’s hands.

“That’s why I had the giant signs that said dangerous fucking plants! Don’t enter! Why the hell would you take those down?!” He demanded.

“Because they made the area look dangerous… I had no intention of harming your garden, just removing the signs so they didn’t draw as much attention… What are you doing there anyway?” He stepped closer as Steve frantically rubbed his hands together to grind up his spell reagents.

“So, you send workers to take down the signs that say warning, dangerous plants without telling them what they say and then get upset when they get fucking attacked by those dangerous plants?!” He asked.

“I know you have a deal with the Count but it simply does not do to have such big signs around the place speaking of dangerous things. It makes it look like the area is… well dangerous. It’s not befitting of the lands of the Casurion people!” The young lord insisted.

“This isn’t any of the Casurion isles!” Steve growled out. “You guys are just occupying the land right now! I’m sure over the next hundred years it’ll bounce between you and the Fraxons a dozen times.” Steve paused then, his spell components still in his hands. “Wait, your problem wasn’t the plants? Just the signs?”

“Well not at first. But once they attacked the laborers it simply couldn’t be ignored! Something had to be done! It’s unsightly to have a garden that eats people.” The noble finished by sticking his nose up in the air a little.

“You so deserve this.” Steve said right before he narrowed his eyes and held his hands up to his mouth blowing hard to shoot the newly ground dust into the noble’s face who coughed and sputtered as he backed up, bits of glittering dust stuck to his face.

“Wh-what did you just do?!” The noble gasped out once he was done coughing out bits of the glitter dust.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“I cursed you with a limp dick! Tell me who you sent after my garden! I want a word with them!” The noble gasped much louder now that he’d been told just what Steve had hit him with.

“I… I sent them to deal with those horrid dirty peasants you have wandering around the cemetery… what do I do about this curse?!” The noble looked quite worried now about the spell Steve had just hit him with.

“Any decent priest can cleanse it. You just have to tell him you’ve got a limp dick!” The noble gasped as Steve told him that. He knew how these young nobles worked. The sheer embarrassment of telling a priest what their problem was would be a worse punishment than Steve could otherwise bestow upon him without actually harming the lord. “Now… what did you mean about the…” Steve trailed off before his eyes went wide. “Oh you fucking knob goblin!” He hurriedly pulled some more reagents from his pockets and a vial of arcane water before slapping them together and shouting the words to vanish into thin air.

----------------------------------------

“Have at thee foul creature!” Arturian swung his sword and cut the zombie’s arm off just below the shoulder. But rather than hiss and attack him it just looked down at the arm and clumsily tried to bend over and pick it up. “No! Ignore the arm you lout!” Arturian growled and kicked the creature making it stagger back and then topple over. It rolled around on the ground for a moment and he thought maybe it would try to claw after him but the undead human glanced up at him for a moment and curled up into the fetal position. “What is wrong with these undead?!” He shouted in annoyance. “They do not provide a decent fight!”

Beside him the other members of the team were each dealing with another undead in their own way. But none of the recently deceased were fighting back. They were just shuffling away from the adventurers without so much as an utterance of “Brrraaaiinnsss.”

“This is most disconcertin’ aye.” Fortin agreed. “Me holy power ain’t banishin’ them like it ought’te.” The dwarf had taken to simply smashing the knees of the zombies with his hammer and then crushing their skulls but he felt uneasy about how they weren’t trying to stop him.

“Hey assholes! Stop killing my clients!” The adventurers turned then to see Steve quickly jogging towards them across the grounds of the cemetery.

“Evil necromancer!” Arturian shouted out and pointed which made Steve stop and look over his shoulder.

“What? Where?!” When he didn’t see anyone behind him he looked back and then gasped, having to lean back quickly to avoid the slash of Arturian’s sword which missed his nose by inches. “Wuh! What the fuck!”

“Die necromancer!” Arturian advanced, slashing and stabbing with his sword as Steve quickly ducked, twisted, and dodged each of the strikes. “Stand still and fight evil wizard!”

“I’m not a necromancer! Stop that! Wha! Ah! Stop! No!” He kept squealing out as he very narrowly continued to avoid being stabbed or slashed by the sword.

“Fight me!” The knight shouted as he kept trying to skewer the wiggling wizard with his sword.

“No! Stop trying to kill me!” Finally the knight stopped swinging his sword while chasing after the human mage who kept his distance warily at this point. “Why do you think I’m a necromancer?”

“You have the goatee.” Arturian said and waved at Steve’s face.

“Facial hair does not make someone evil!” Steve protested.

“What about Devil’s-” Quari began to say but Steve quickly interrupted.

“Devil’s Beard is a parasite! It doesn’t count! Right now I’m the guy whose garden you ruined and then clients you’ve been butchering! That means you’re the villains here!” He pointed a finger at the knight before him who gasped at the idea.

“What?! Preposterous! Do you see my chin? This is a hero’s chin!” He posed then for a moment, chin jutting forward as if he was standing before a crowd of admirers. Steve looked around for a moment to confirm he was the only one standing before the knight.

“Yeah… chin’s mean nothing about how good or evil you are. But perhaps something about your inbred parents...” Steve muttered and then frowned as he looked at the rest of the group before pointing at Quari. “Wait I know you! You graduated last year! You’re… Quari the slut!” The elf gasped out as he said that, clearly taken aback.

“Quari the Fair!” She hissed out then.

“You do know that’s just another word for hot right? And you don’t get a nickname like that unless word gets around. So either you’ve been dressing like a slut or lots of guys have seen you naked… and perhaps both based on how you’re dressed now.” Steve said as he looked the elf over in her questionable choice of robes.

“Shall I stick an arrow in him Quari?” Irisia asked as she drew an arrow back then.

“Oh going to kill me for pointing out the obvious? Real heroic!” Steve called out before he tilted his head side to side and then rubbed his chin before pointing at the elven ranger cadet. “Wait… I know you too. You’re that one girl who was obsessed with unicorns.”

“I… I am not obsessed!” She stammered out taken slightly off guard it seemed.

“Oh I was there that day in the library. Oooobbbsseeeessssed.” Steve stressed. “You know they only go after virgins right?”

“W-what does my purity have to do with this?” The elf then asked still stammering a bit as she clearly hadn’t expected to get spoken to in this manner by a human. Or perhaps anyone.

“From the rumors I hear just the fact that your animal companions are suspiciously affectionate.” As she raised her bow Steve was ready quickly conjuring a magic shield before him which deflected the three arrows she quickly fired at his head. “Real heroic! Trying to murder me in cold blood!” Truthfully he had been antagonizing her on purpose for that reaction. “I’m not the villain here!”

“Aye lass put yer bow down. Words like tha’ be no reason to kill a man.” The dwarf said then and looked over at Steve expectantly. But the human was just carefully watching the elf cadet who was glaring daggers at him. “Wha’ about me then?”

“Hm? What about you?” Steve asked, slightly confused.

“Ye had somethin’ te say about the others. Nothin’ for me?” Steve frowned at the question and shrugged.

“No? We’ve never met. You just look like a… priest? From the gear at least that’s what I’d guess?” He shrugged. “I don’t have an issue with any of that.”

“Well then.” The dwarf wandered over past Arturian and extended his hand which Steve shook from around his magic shield. “Fortin Ironshield. Nice ta meet ye.”

“Steve Spellslinger. It’s nice to finally meet a civilized person in this group.” He said happy with the dwarf’s initial greeting.

“Fortin he’s an atheist.” Quari said then which made the dwarf jump back a foot.

“Wha! Why didn’t ye warn me?!” He began to rub his hand off on his armor as if cleaning off something disgusting.

“Oh well never mind I guess.” Steve grumbled.

“How can ye not believe in the gods?! Are ye daft?!” The dwarf shouted out then, clearly not a fan of the idea.

“What? Believe? I believe they exist! The fuckers keep trying to kill me! But since all they do is sit up in the sky and throw shit and lightning bolts at us that I should worship them! That’s what this lightning proof belt is for!” He said and tugged on his belt. “However I don’t plan on ever venturing into the underworld where so many of your kind lives because I’m aware that while surface gods like to toss lightning at people your gods just drop giant fucking rocks on them. And I do not have a belt to protect me from that.” The group watched Steve then while he looked around at them one by one.

“Are we all caught up then? You all hate me and I hate all of you. Except the dwarf. I just wish you were more open minded.” He said then. “Now, why the fuck didn’t you call me when you found the signs in my garden!” He pointed a finger at Quari.

“What are you babbling about? Ooohhh… I assumed that sign saying to contact you was a hoax or some such. An enterprising evil type having simply heard your name and thought to delay the forces of righteousness from cleansing that glade of malevolence.” Quari said before lifting her nose into the air a little.

“Do you ever listen to how you talk?” Steve asked the glaring elven mage. “And it wasn’t a hoax! That was my garden! You shitheads. Do you know how long it took me to cultivate all of that? I brought in a bunch of soil from the base of Mount Fireydoom, which by the way is an accurate if unimaginative name for that volcano… uh where was I? Right! Anyway I’ve been very carefully tending to those plants for a few years now! That was a lot of work you all undid! And without even trying to resolve it peacefully!”

“It was a garden of evil!” Irisia hissed out then.

“Hardly! They’re just plants! They don’t understand the finer point of moral or ethical discussions!” Steve shot back.

“They’re people eating plants!” She retorted.

“Some of them are vines that will strangle animals and use their corpses to enrich their soil!” Steve corrected. “But that’s only if they aren’t being tended to properly! Now, did any of those laborers die when they were attacked?” He asked. Truthfully he had no idea, he’d forgot to ask Barris but he hoped the answer was no.

“No.” Irisia finally confirmed and he acted like he’d known that the whole time.

“Of course not! Because well fed Hellweed will only attack someone to defend itself! If they wanted to kill someone they would have! But they didn’t! You should know this cadet! If you think you’ll be a ranger one day there’s no way not to know this!”

“Well what about these unholy abominations then?” Arturian asked, speaking for the first time since he stopped trying to kill Steve.

“The undead?” Steve asked and Quari then pointed at him.

“That’s right! Necromancy is forbidden Spellslinger! You’ll be banished from the academy if you haven’t been already!”

“This isn’t necromancy! I’m the third human mage. Ever. Of all time. When would I have had time to become a necromancer?” He asked before forging ahead without waiting for an answer. “A necromancer traps souls, or forces the dead back to life, and deals with actual undead abominations! These are all souls who willingly returned to their bodies! Have you noticed none of them tried to fight you? They’re just trying to get away!” He waved his hands around them at the cemetery and the adventurers looked around to see the undead had shambled to the far side of the grounds, huddled in the corner of the wall that surrounded the place.

“They… willingly returned?” Arturian asked then sounding both surprised and confused. “Why would they doom their immortal souls to be returned to an eternity in hell.”

“Several things about that.” Steve said then starting to count his points off on his fingers. “One, souls aren’t immortal. Two this doesn’t doom them to anything. Three there’s lots of hells. Four, as to why they’d come back? Heaven isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Mostly because there’s lots of them as well. But also because their kids cared about them enough to pay me to bring their bodies back and ask if they want to return! So these are the ones who did.”

“Why would they want to defile the bodies of their parents with these shamblin’ creatures?” Fortin asked then, clearly not happy with the idea.

“Well you’re just seeing them in their base state. When their kids show up I revitalize them a bit more so they can talk and chat like normal. It just takes too much energy to do it constantly.” Steve replied with a shrug.

“An’ they’d pay ye gold for this service?” Fortin followed up which made Steve fervently shake his head.

“Nonononono. I don’t charge them gold! I mostly charge for food. Sometimes furniture or other woodworking items. These are poor farmers! What kind of asshole would I be to charge them gold for this? Mostly it’s just people who miss their mom or dad. Or… to be honest a great deal of it involves people who loved this one recipie their great grandmother used to make, but even in her advanced age she never taught anyone else how to make it. And of course she didn’t write it down because… well because as I realized today most of these people can’t read or write. But even if she could she wouldn’t cause it’s her super special recipe that she’d treat like a super important secret!” Steve trailed off then as the adventurers stared at him.

“These are just old grandmothers?” Fortin asked as he slowly arched an eyebrow at the idea.

“Mostly. I warded the gates to the cemetery so they can’t leave. They just shuffle around until their kids come to visit. And this one girl who tries to visit as many of them as she can. Says she feels sorry for them.” Steve shrugged. “But they’re harmless so whatever.”

“Aha!” Arturian shouted then which made Steve jump in surprise. “I’ve caught you in a lie necromancer! You have warning signs on that mausoleum over there!” He pointed to the largest most opulent mausoleum in the cemetery. It was a work of art as far as the stone masonry work went. Reliefs, columns, and angelic figures coating the outside and putting the other works to shame quite honestly. Even so the doors were barred shut and warning signs had been posted around the entrance saying not to open the doors or go inside.

“Oh… that’s just the mausoleum for the Count’s dogs. I keep it locked up to keep them from running wild. They mean well but they’re a bit much for the others to handle.” After Steve told them that they looked up at the stone structure that would have been a fitting resting place for kings and queens and other nobles.

“His dogs?” Quari asked, obviously sounding confused.

“Yeah. Hunting dogs mostly. What did none of you have pets growing up?” He asked and looked around. They just stared back at him and he blinked. “Wow… wow… I… Wow! None of you? Yeah as he told me his relatives didn’t do shit for him but his dogs were his friends. So… they get a nice resting place. And let me tell you they’re pretty incredible dogs. They loved him so much they were willing to come back from pet heaven! And let me tell you pet heaven is… really just the best heaven.” He thought about it for a moment. “Probably because so few people are allowed to live there.”

“Pet heaven?” Fortin asked sounding dubious.

“Yep. Where all good pets get to go. Which is… lots of them. They get to run around and play and have fun as much as they like. Most people only get to visit for a bit based on how good they were to their pets. But some people live there. Like this one old woman who… I think might be older than time itself… Anyway! She has this big chair she sleeps on and mostly takes care of the cats. The dogs have a few activity directors who just set up things for them to do. They like that.”

“Just how did you get into pet heaven?” Quari asked then.

“Well teleportation spells have a small chance of teleporting you to one of the hells. So I needed to learn how to get out of there quick. Then once you master walking between planes it’s fairly easy to start wandering around the heavens. That’s part of why I’m atheist. I’ve seen how the gods treat their followers in the afterlife and it’s pretty bullshit.” Steve said with a slow nod.

“This is insanity!” Arturian gasped out. “You’re making this up! You’re a crazy mad evil wizard!”

“I am not!” Steve insisted.

“This is all the work of necromancy Steve. You’ll be banished from the academy for this.” Quari said next.

“It’s not necromancy! It’s simple body revivification! I aaaassk their souls to return! Ask! Not force! There’s a dog in there from the Count’s childhood that’s mostly a rotted disgusting mess and the Count still cuddles him when he visits! He loves his dogs! These are all beloved parents and grandparents! I cleared all of this with the Archdean before I even began! It was the Count’s price for me getting that land for my garden. Which you all then ruined!” Steve added reminding himself why he was even here.

“There is no way the Archdean approved of this! Let alone your garden of killer plants!” Quari shouted back.

“Most of those plants were harmless! I use them for my reagents and studies! I’m a poor student! I don’t have the gold to buy most of these! I don’t come from some stupidly wealthy family like you! Why do you think I always did so well in alchemical studies?” He asked then with a snort.

“I just assumed you cheated.” The elf replied with a soft chuckle.

“And I just assumed you got high grades for blowing all your teachers.” Steve growled out in reply. Shortly before the elf hissed and aimed her staff at him, uttering the words to let out a massive bolt of lightning. Of course Steve’s belt just glowed and absorbed the energy, crackling softly with the stored electricity. “Lightning proof belt! Also what the hell is wrong with all of you? This asshole tried to cleave me with his sword! This unicorn slut tried to kill me with arrows! You just tried to melt my face! Only the dwarf-”

Steve started to motion the dwarf but saw that he had dropped to his knees and appeared to be praying. Steve didn’t know much of the dwarven languages but he recognized one word. “Wait… are you praying for your god to smite me?!”

“Aye.” Came the quick reply before the priest resumed chanting.

“Son of a bitch! I come here to talk and you’re all ready to murder me! Alright! Well if that’s how you wanna play bring it on!” He waved them forward as Arturian raised his sword.

“In the name of the Casurion Royal Adventurers Patrol we shall smite thee foul necromancer!” He posed for a moment like that, sword raised high as if he was expecting someone to paint a picture of him in that stance. Then much to Steve’s surprise the others posed alongside the knight, as if all four of them wanted to be in some sort of grand painting. That only Steve was here to witness. But it gave him time to think.

“You’re crap?” Steve asked then with a frown.

“Still hurling insults before your death oh minion of darkness?” Arturian replied but Steve waved his hands.

“No, I mean that’s what you just said. Casurian Royal Adventurers Patrol. C-R-A-P. Crap. You are literally calling yourself crap.” Arturian froze then and seemed to think through what Steve had just pointed out. After a few seconds the knight seemed to decide he didn’t like that idea and yelled out as he charged the mage. While he did that Quari began to ready another spell, Irisia drew back several more arrows, and Fortin drew his hammer and shield.

"Let your foul mouth plague this land no longer!” Arturian shouted as Steve squealed and jumped back to avoid the next sword slash.

“Oh shit! You’re all battle hardened adventurers!” Steve had forgotten who he was dealing with for a moment and realized he’d just picked a fight with four professional killers. He began to quickly mix reagents from his pockets then for a spell he knew by heart. All the while he had to run away from Arturian and Fortin who kept chasing after him demanding that he stop running and fight, a request he continually denied. Quari and Irisia kept looking for an opening to hurl magic or arrows at the mage but he kept running around making it hard for them to get a shot.

“Just stop running and die!” Arturian shouted as Steve squealed once more and narrowly ducked under another slash before leaping over an attempt by Fortin to smash his kneecaps with his hammer. But when he jumped to his feet the adventurers were all arrayed before him and he slapped his hands together, uttering a few magic words to complete the spell. A brown mist shot out then covering all of them. The adventurers gasped and froze… but after several seconds nothing happened.

“Another failed spell from a failed mage?” Quari asked then as Steve quickly ran towards the exit to the cemetery while they tried to figure out what he’d done.

“Montletrots revenge bitches! Enjoy the screaming fiery shits! I might have to run now but-OWWWWW!” Steve’s speech was interrupted as Irisia released an arrow and managed to hit the mage in the ass. He gasped out and reached back to grab the arrow shaft then as he kept running. “Motherfucker! What is it with getting shot in the ass! Fuck this! I’m out!” He raised a hand over his head and shouted “Blink!” Which took him past the cemetery gate. Once far enough away they watched him frantically mix ingredients before vanishing into thin air.

“Must have teleported away. The spineless coward!” Arturian said and puffed his chest into the air further. “None shall defeat the mighty Casurian Royal Adventurers Patrol! And we are most certainly not crap!” He huffed out. “Now friend dwarf cure us of that insane little man’s spell!”

“Ah… I’m afraid I dun know how. It’s nah one of the curses I know.” The dwarf mentioned then as he looked to Quari.

“Uh… I’ve never heard of it.” She confessed as well.

“I mean the man was an idiot. I’m sure it’s not a real spell.” Irisia said with a nervous laugh. The group stood around in an awkward silence for a moment before a loud gurgling sound was heard from Arturian’s stomach.

“Ah… mmmhh… I’m sure you’re right… but… before we cleanse this land of this undead corruption… I think it may be best that we… ah return to town to find a place to stay for the night.” The knight felt himself start to sweat a little and tugged at the neck of his armor.

“Aye… ye might be right. Just… in case.” Fortin agreed. The four adventurers began to slowly walk to the exit before breaking into a full sprint to get back to their horses and then town.

Steve was wincing as he limped through the main courtyard of Aurbitas, one hand on his ass around the arrow still stuck in it. “Those fucking… bastards… I swear! I swear here and now upon the forces of pure magic itself and all I hold dear! I shall get my revenge on those meddling fuckwits! I swear that I Steve Spellslinger shall have my revenge!” He shouted that out to the heaven’s themselves then, hands clenched into fists raised up in the air. “Muwhaha… MUWHAHAHAHA! MUUWWWAHAHAHAHAAHAH!”

Then he stopped and opened his eyes, looking around at the various elves, fae, and dwarven students staring at him. “Uh… don’t mind that! I’m not evil! Goatees don’t make people evil! It’s just… I’ll explain later… Right now I’m just going to…” He pointed in a random direction and began to limp that way, wincing in pain as one hand returned to the arrow poking out of his ass.

“Ow… Ow… Ow…” Of course this was just the beginning of the long and storied rivalry. Some say it was started by the overzealous adventurers. Some say if Steve hadn’t been so crude they’d have reached a peaceful solution. Some think the gods intervened to try and use their champions to destroy a meddlesome atheist. And some… well some understand that such occurrences happen thanks to a force more powerful than any god. A well known and oft praised and cursed power known simply to humans, as Luck.

You see, while he was an Atheist and didn’t believe the gods held any power of him Steve did believe in Luck. What he didn’t know was that Luck believed in him. For there are at times those in the world who are always in the wrong place, at the right time to keep things interesting. Luck prefers to keep things interesting. And Steve is nothing if not interesting. But this is just the first part of their early rivalry. What would transpire next would set the tone for their interactions for the next several decades. However… that’s a story for another time.