“Err, sorry?” I tried, although considering we didn’t actually speak the same language I could only hope that my tone got through to the girl currently pointing a laser pistol at me whilst also tying me up with whatever the hell space magitech that bracer thing was supposed to be.

She glowered at me for several seconds and for a moment I thought she might actually fire, but then she relented. The pistol was lowered, although not holstered, but whatever those glowing bindings were they dissipated around me.

Slowly, I got to my feet.

“Maybe we got off on the wrong foot,” I said slowly as I put a hand to cover my privates.

It seemed like I might not have been kidnapped after all, or at least not by this girl, who I’d been brazenly flashing out of pettiness and in an attempt to keep her off balance.

Oh god, I think I wanted to die.

The girl gave me a complicated look before gesturing at me with her free hand.

“Il’u cogni hwe?” She asked, expressing confusion. “Il’u sleay,” she said with bemusement.

“I don’t understand a word that you’re saying,” I stated and at least that seemed like something she understood as her shoulders slumped.

“I’m Alex,” I said, gesturing to myself. “A-lex.”

“Go’u Rel,” replied the girl, gesturing towards herself.

“Okay that’s great,” I said carefully, still quite aware that she was the one with the gun in this situation. “Nice to meet you, Go’u Rel.”

She shook her head.

“Rel,” she said simply.

I nodded as I realised the mistake. This language barrier thing was going to cause problems.

Introductions having been made, she apparently decided I wasn’t a threat and holstered her weapon. Although I knew now that I wasn’t actually a threat with that weird light thing she’d tied me up with. I hadn’t even seen her make a gesture to activate it.

I also needed to think about fixing this whole nudity thing. Now my life apparently wasn’t in danger, or at least not in an immediate sense, it was probably time I put some effort into fixing that… I thought to myself awkwardly. This was highlighted by the way the girl’s eyes darted down to my now covered crotch before glancing away again in embarrassment.

“Err, Starship Rex?” I asked. “Are there any clothes somewhere I could wear?”

“There are clothes designated for the captain in the captain’s quarters. Only the captain may enter the captain’s quarters.”

“And is me being captain still on the table then?” I asked awkwardly. I glanced towards Rel.

Would she qualify to take command of this ship too? For all I knew the only criteria for being captain was being on the ship at all and with her here now, she would be far more qualified to be the ship’s captain than me. I obviously didn’t know anything about spaceships or how to pilot one.

“No other candidates for captain can be identified.” The spaceship told me, repeating what it had said before.

“Then.. that’s a yes then?” I asked hopefully. “I accept being captain,” I said for clarification.

“Acknowledged. New Captain designated.”

I sighed with relief, glancing towards Rel who was still unaware of what we were saying.

“Okay, so let’s get dressed,” I said. I gestured towards the doorway and then I had a thought.

“Rex, could you tell her that I’m going to find some clothes?” I asked.

“Please refer to this vessel by its full title,” Starship Rex stated.

“Err, sure,” I said. “But please tell Rel what’s going on,” I said as I started making my way to the door.

I ignored the conversation in an alien language going on around me as I quickly made my way through the ship to the room I’d seen before.

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Upon entry a cupboard opened on its own, revealing some folded up clothes.

Grateful that Rel hadn’t decided to follow me inside, I threw on the clothes I found. Black pants and a shirt the same shade of blue as I’d seen in the ship. There were even underpants and socks in black and black shoes, or more like trainers really.

I stepped back out into the corridor, perfectly decent. Which was an absolute relief all things considered. I’d rather keep this all PG if possible.

Rel had patiently waited for me outside, trusting enough not to have to keep an eye on me at all times, which was a relief. Hopefully she could help me figure out what was going on. When she saw me fully dressed she let out a sigh of relief.

“Okay, why don’t we sit down and try and figure out what’s going on,” I said. I gestured to the side. “I think there’s a sitting area nearby. Starship Rex, are you going to be able to play translator for us?”

“Translation is unnecessary. A mental language download has been prepared and is ready in the medical bay.” My eyes widened with interest.

“That sounds incredible,” I said.

Well of course the spaceship would have it’s answer to communication with aliens. Instead of a universal translator, here there was technology to literally educate someone, presumably in minutes.

I couldn’t express how incredible such a thing was and here it was presumably normal, automated even and that only reminded me about the exciting situation I’d found myself in.

I was in space, on a spaceship with advanced technology the likes of which I would have never seen before. Space, the final frontier in all its glory, was laid out before me to explore.

The horror of probably never getting to go home went on the backburner for the moment as I appreciated the incredible reality of my new situation.

Space, spaaaaaaaace!

“Okay, to the medical bay,” I said excitedly. I knew the way and quickly headed back, followed by the alien girl who said something, confused about what was going on but I didn’t let that stop me.

I stepped forward into the room, looking around with more interest now than I had before. The room was almost entirely as I had left it. Only now there was a metal headpiece which was glowing with blue lights along the cable that led from it to the ceiling.

A hand on my arm stopped me.

“It’u menchi hando?” asked Rel, stepping forward past me and seeing the device. It clearly worried her, based on her expression. “It’un face,” she told me.

“It’u menchi hando face,” replied Starship Rex from around us.

The girl’s expression didn’t change. She looked at me and slumped, muttering something else.

“Fana,” she said, shrugging uncomfortably, stepping aside. “Il’u dene menchi cheeas.”

“Okay, you’re not giving any positive vibes about this thing,” I said frankly. “This is safe, right?” I asked, looking around as I spoke to Starship Rex.

I mean, yes exciting and everything but it’s still technology that was going to be messing with my brain and the alien girl who knew a lot more about all of this than I did seemed worried so I’d take her word for it.

“This educational download has a zero point zero four percent chance of failure,” the ship’s AI told me.

“Those aren’t bad odds,” I said. “What happens if it fails?”

“There will be no severe side effects if the procedure fails, excluding immediate brain death.” the spaceship told me.

Oh.

“Thanks for the warning,” I said.

I looked to Rel who only shrugged again, gesturing weakly to the device. She said something which I obviously didn’t understand, but that was the whole reason why I was doing this.

“Does anyone else speak english in this galaxy?” I asked the starship.

"There are no species in the current era whose societal and historical records indicate they speak English," Starship Rex told me.

That was certainly interesting.

Because why then did this spaceship somehow know English?

Things weren’t adding up already. Something must have brought me here, by deliberate design and I was starting to think that maybe the spaceship had a hand in my arrival.

But why?

I shook my head. I had no way of figuring out and I suspected if I tried to pry then I wouldn't be getting any answers from the AI of the spaceship I had woken up in.

Hopefully my new friend might be of more help, but to get her help I first needed to be able to actually speak with her. Away from this particular spaceship if possible.

“Okay, let’s do it,” I said.

I stepped forward and went to sit down on the bed, picking up the helmet and then readying myself to lie down.

I looked at the helmet and then back to Rel. The girl looked genuinely worried for me, which was appreciated, especially given how badly our first introduction had gone.

Well at least this would be further confirmation that this was all real, I thought to myself. It was maybe possible that this was still all a hoax but an actual working information download would certainly qualify as irrefutable proof, even better than the alien girl with real elf-like ears.

“Let’s do this,” I said.

I put the helmet on and closed my eyes, bracing for whatever was about to happen.

“Commencing upload.”

There was a whirring noise, I saw lights behind my eyes and then a spike of pain ran through the back of my head and I lost consciousness.