The sun, like a leisurely chariot, slowly rolled across the sky, occasionally hiding behind rare cumulus clouds floating in unattainable heights. Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes into hours… Though no, judging by the shadow of the tall pine, which had moved only a couple of hands' breadth since the quester's disappearance, it couldn't have been even an hour.
A sharp pain snapped me out of my lost state. When did I manage to take the case with the "Boundless Pride" and place it on my lap? I don't remember. But it was precisely a splinter from the poorly sanded case, which I clutched for some reason, as if it were a lifebuoy, digging under my nail, that brought me back to my senses, made me shake off and return to reality.
To say that the quester's words stunned me would be a massive understatement. It felt like someone had whacked me on the back of my head with a sledgehammer, knocking all thoughts out of my mind. Yet, to lay hands on myself? No. Then why did I put the case on my lap and wanted to open it? Could it be that something subconsciously flickered, and for a moment the desire to kill myself slipped through? Maybe it was an echo of the "past me," for whom being compared to a quester was unbearable? Even if so, I awoke before allowing the "memory of the future" to commit the irreversible.
However, I must admit that suicide through merging with "Boundless Pride" would have been relatively "clean" and would have negated Nulgle's curse. After all, the artifact sword was created by Eyrat's will, which is far stronger than the curse of the Plague God's Echo. That is, if I die, merging with this artifact blade, my body would turn to dust, and my soul would dissolve in the sword. Consequently, my dead body wouldn't rise as a powerful zombie.
After carefully removing the splinter, as if defusing a live mine, I took the case off my lap and placed it on the ground. Thoughts slowly, reluctantly, returned to my beleaguered mind. I rekindled the fire and put a pot with pure spring water to heat. These simple actions, in their mundaneness, helped organize my head's contents. And I had much to think about! And by that, I mean to think, not to spout emotions or engage in self-flagellation.
Yes, the quester was indeed largely right in comparing my methods to theirs. There were few differences. They manipulated people to achieve their goals, and so did I. That was true. But there was a difference between our methods. As much as possible, I nudged people toward the choice I believed was right, but I didn't replace their choice with mine. I didn't impose the condition: "do as I say or die," effectively depriving people of free will. Although, the fact that I, without any doubt or pangs of conscience, as the quester correctly noted, by stealing the Life Rod during the first group trial, effectively sentenced a person to death and was ready to take another's life was true. And it was also true that I did not regret my action for a second.
True, but the questers were late with this "revelation." Just a month ago, this kind of truth, of the "not seeing the log in my own eye" kind, would probably have crushed me. Especially considering the nuance that Ulerai turned out to be one of the Shards. But now, after everything I've been through, for example, after meeting Scully, this blow, although it took my breath away, did not break me.
Yes, one of my main goals was to push the Shards toward development and preserve their lives. But already in that clearing in the Wicked Woods, as soon as I freed myself from the artifact rope with which the Australian had bound me, I slightly adjusted these goals. Then I realized that Shards could not only bring benefits in the war with demons but also become an obstacle, their actions causing more harm than good. And Scully, if she turns "the wrong way" and starts hunting people, killing for her pleasure, I will stop her. Even if by "stopping" it means destruction.
And if Ulerai was a Shard, he was likely a Shard of the deity of deception and lies, not for nothing he was called the Bloody Tongue. In the Last Cycle, he deceived, stole, framed, and, as far as I "remember," destroyed many through his lies until he encountered Nate, who did not fall for his deceit and killed the liar. And the fact that as a result of my actions such a person ended his journey at the first group trial, I'm not going to chalk up as a sin. And whether he was a Shard or not – does not affect this. That meeting with Scully in the Wicked Woods really cleared my mind regarding the Shards and their "unconditional usefulness," as I had naively thought at the beginning.
Nevertheless, the thought that, having gained the memory of the future, I had become much like the questers, was largely true. Not in terms of abilities, of course, but in actions, and this simple comparison hurt. I still hadn't forgotten the hatred the "past me" had for these beings. Especially for the methods they used to achieve goals known only to them. So what if my main motive was the salvation of the world and, consequently, my own life? This fact did not affect the accuracy of the comparison. This thought pressed on me like the heavens resting on the shoulders of Atlas.
When I reached for the boiling kettle, my gaze fell on the embroidered design on the cotta. Then my attention shifted to the spear lying at my feet, a gift from Norton. If I lower my hands, everyone I've met in this world, and those I've yet to see, will die, burning in demonic fire. A wave of bitterness, regret, and strange warmth ran down my spine. It was a bizarre, contradictory feeling. I'm not an altruist or a saint, and I can sacrifice myself so that others may live only if swayed by emotions and the moment. Nevertheless, I would feel truly bad if Ender, Valena, Aun, Vivien, Arien, Miranda, Ilona, Flavius, and many others died, and I did nothing to allow them to live.
How selfish am I to think in such a way? Not to save the world because it's a "great and worthy goal," but to do it only so that people I like can live. So that I wouldn't feel bad about it. I don't even know what to call this form of selfishness.
These thoughts reminded me of an old story. Once, at a corporate event, a manager whose wife was seriously ill, after drinking a few glasses of cognac, began to lament about life. His main complaint was not that his wife might die but how bad he would feel being left alone with three children and how his life would drastically change. Thankfully, further tests did not confirm the seriousness of the illness, but I clearly remember the depth of despair and self-pity that the employee was in. And I remember feeling somewhat disconcerted by his words, which contained more pity for himself than sympathy for his sick wife. Even though he loved his wife, cared for her, and very much wanted her to recover, he still thought more of himself than her.
And now, I find myself contemplating in the same vein. It's not the abstract idea of the deaths of people like Norton or Vivien that frightens me, but the fact that I would definitely feel worse if they couldn't survive or at least didn't die senselessly and in vain. I want all these people to live, not because "life is sacred" or because "it's the right thing to think." My "want" stems from the desire to make myself feel good. Just as much, if not more, I want to survive and escape the impending cataclysm. But I don't consider my own life the only value and measure of everything. Now, knowing for sure that soul transmigration exists, I realize that death is not the end of everything. And how you finish your life can be just as important as how you've lived it.
There's a difference for me between a simple, senseless death and dying "for a cause." A slightly malicious smile twisted my lips. It's funny, for the "me" that I was not so long ago on Earth, the thought of "dying for a cause" was something strange and completely incomprehensible. Back then, I thought: what difference does it make how you die? The result is the same - death. But now, for the current me, there is a difference. At least in how I will regard myself in the last seconds of my life.
After throwing some dried berries into the kettle, I picked up a stick and stirred the boiling water.
If the questers thought their words would hurt me enough to make me give up, they were mistaken. I am no longer the person I was on Earth, and even the "me" from the Past Cycle has little in common with who I am now.
Filling my cup halfway, I took a sip of the hot drink, slightly burning my lips. My smile became even more malicious and stubborn.
The entire journey I've been on, gradually but mercilessly, opened my eyes to who I am, to my character... To my selfishness, my vindictiveness, and my lack of restraint. Yes, it was painful and unpleasant to see myself as I truly am. But all these "discoveries" and the pain they brought did not go in vain, and now I can't be broken by simply exposing my motives and actions.
My thoughts jumped chaotically from one thing to another, but with every second, with every sip of the hot drink fragrant with forest berries, I became calmer and calmer. Yes, the quester's words still echoed in my head, but they were affecting me less and less.
Nonetheless, they weren't in vain. Take, for instance, the criticism that I plan to beat up Nate upon meeting him. Of course, there are ways to prompt the future god of War to develop faster without resorting to a fight. But still, I have no intention of deviating from my initial plan for our encounter. Firstly, because it's the most straightforward path that will definitely provide him with additional motivation. And secondly, because I want to do it. No, Nate is not my enemy; I even respect him. Despite his many flaws, such as excessive cruelty and a preference for solving problems with fists, I like him as a person. He's honest and straightforward and will never betray those who stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him. But there's a nuance that makes a fight with him particularly appealing to me. This detail... lies in the fact that it was Nate whom Arien turned to after our separation. And even though they got together only after the Invasion began, a few months after I broke up with the future goddess of Spontaneous Magic, I'll still find pleasure in giving Nate a good thrashing. Selfish and irrational? Perhaps, but I'm not changing my plans for meeting Nate.
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As for Katashi, it might indeed be unnecessary to humiliate him. There are other equally effective ways to push him onto a path that avoids many of the mistakes made in the Past Cycle. After all, Kay is one of those people who can be convinced without resorting to blatantly unfair manipulations. Yes, of course, the path of persuasion is much harder, and it will require finding substantial arguments and examples, but nevertheless, it is possible.
Having finished my infusion of dried berries, I placed the empty mug on a log and reached for the Striking Whisper, lifting it onto my lap. My fingers ran over the spear shaft, this simple movement bringing a new wave of calm. Thoughts stopped jumping and began to flow more smoothly, measuredly. Putting aside self-examination, I shifted my focus to other words spoken by the quester. I don't know the true motives of these strange creatures, but one of them said a lot of interesting things...
Surprisingly, it turns out there was a Zeroth Cycle - a test or a trial one - the name doesn't matter in this case. Perhaps this Cycle was incomplete and ended very quickly. The questers blamed us, humans, for its failure, and most likely, they were right. I don't think the quester lied here; maybe he emphasized certain aspects to his advantage, but he didn't deceive. With this new knowledge, all those trials to which they subjected the people transported from Earth no longer seem like manifestations of meaningless sadistic tendencies but rather like a necessary, albeit harsh, selection. One can argue that these trials, especially the first group one, were excessively cruel, but that's cruelty from a human point of view. The questers themselves might have a completely different opinion on this. After all, they are not human, and their boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not may radically differ from ours. However, this doesn't mean that my opinion of them has done a complete one-eighty. I still consider them heartless creatures and manipulators. Yes, I too, perhaps, am a manipulator, it's hard to argue with that, but such manipulations don't bring me joy.
Take, for example, the moment when I broke Miranda's nose during training in Unudo. Did that please me? No, it just seemed to me the fastest and most effective way to rid the girl's mind of unnecessary folly. And... it worked. Yes, at the moment, my action seemed cruel, but could Miranda have overcome all the difficulties that fell to her lot if she had been trapped in her illusions? I don't think so. The same applies to my feigned cruelty towards Flavius and Ilona. So, I don't consider myself guilty for those beatings. Does this make me similar to the questers? There might be some external resemblance, but the inner essence of my actions is far more important. Behind them lies not only the achievement of the main goal but also the desire to help, to give more chances of survival to everyone fate brings me into contact with. And no manipulations by the questers will convince me that I am acting badly and resemble them not only externally but also internally.
Catching myself going in circles with my thoughts, I forced myself to shift my focus to other information provided by the quester. Namely, about the so-called balance and the concept that "every action has an equal and opposite reaction." With this explanation, it became somewhat clear to me why we earthlings are necessary in this whole story. And why the questers, despite their near-divine powers and capabilities, cannot solve the problem themselves. From what was heard, it's clear that if they use their full power, they will critically enhance that very opposite reaction.
It seems logical and understandable if I take these words at face value. But one nuance keeps bothering me... Namely, how does the transfer of thousands of earthlings to Ain fit within the very framework of "permissible impact"? To me, such an action seems like a global intervention, but for some reason, it miraculously does not. Strange. Very strange. It seems to me that getting an answer to this question will bring me much closer to understanding what is really happening and what the true purpose of the questers is. According to them, their goal is not to stop the demonic Invasion but something else! Moreover, most likely, opposing the Invasion is either one of the steps to achieving their true goal or significantly facilitates the path to it. Of course, this is just a guess, but at the moment it seems right to me. Perhaps later, knowing more, I will change my opinion, but for now, the questers' actions fit within the framework of this, albeit up in the air, model.
As for what the true goal of the questers is, it's better not to rack my brain over it for now. There could be dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of possibilities, and guessing the correct one based on what I know is practically impossible.
From my reflections, it follows that all the trials and tasks that the questers give to earthlings, within the articulated postulate that if a person achieves something on their own, it does not affect or weakly affects the mysterious balance, become understandable. True, understanding this changes little in my attitude towards the questers; they still remain despicable beings to me. Nevertheless, I can no longer regard them with the all-consuming hatred I once did. Perhaps we are even temporary allies, as unpleasant as it is for me to admit.
Why temporary? Because I don't know their ultimate goal, which could be anything, including something dark and vile, where achieving it might make even a demonic Invasion seem not so bad. Not that I believe in such an outcome, but I cannot completely dismiss it either.
Da'Nnan's balance! All this time, from the very first day of the new Cycle, I thought about how to circumvent the questers' prohibition on disclosing knowledge about the future. I even came up with some contentious and dangerous options, but these options were... Now, after the quester's story about the mysterious balance, all these thoughts can be flushed down the drain. It turns out that I will now have to "play silent" on a voluntary basis! Most likely, the purpose of this unexpected visit from the quester was to convey this idea to me. Of course, they had other goals for this conversation, but those were probably secondary.
Just as I was pondering possible ways to subtly hint about the future in my upcoming dialogue with Katashi, this encounter happened, curse it! I had almost devised a clever way of talking where I wouldn't say anything directly, but as the saying goes, "a smart person would understand." As for Katashi, one thing he certainly is not is a fool. His mind works to the envy of many.
By the way, I've long suspected that the questers could read my thoughts. And now, essentially, I got confirmation. But then, how did "I" manage to lure one of them into a trap and kill him in the Last Cycle? It's a contradiction...
Because if they were indeed telepaths, they wouldn't have allowed such a development of events. After pondering this for about ten minutes, I came to the conclusion that, most likely, the questers can indeed read my thoughts or somehow understand my intentions, but that's now. However, in the future, when I achieve certain progress in ascending the Spiral of Elevation, they will no longer be able to rummage through my head as calmly as if they were at home. Of course, the theory is controversial, but it does explain this contradiction and fits within what I know. Anyone at the Legendary Coil is not only many times stronger and faster than an ordinary person but also has a different, much more powerful, and dense energy. And various protective spells and auras available at higher Coils might also complicate the questers' ability to read human thoughts. This might explain why, in the Last Cycle, with each month spent on Ain, the questers appeared less and less before the earthlings. Apparently, at a certain point, our energy grows so much that the questers can no longer peek into our heads, and it becomes increasingly difficult for them to manipulate us. I don't know if this is true or conjecture, but as a working theory, it can be accepted for now.
How complicated everything is! What was so clear until recently has now turned upside down!
The quester's words about them "washing their hands" and leaving it up to me to decide what and whom to tell, transparently outlining the consequences of such actions, felt like a boss who realizes they can't handle the task and looks for someone to blame for the failure. I understand rationally that this comparison is a bit stretched and likely incorrect, but I can't help feeling this way.
But in all this unexpected conversation, there was also a glimmer of "good news." According to the quester, "There's a chance, albeit fleeting and elusive, but it still exists..." This gives me hope that I can indeed change the future I remember. "Can" and "chance" are, of course, very shaky and unreliable, but for the first time, I have confirmation that my actions might make a difference!
This thought invigorated me and somewhat dispersed the fog of despair shrouding my mind. Because if there is even a fleeting but real chance, it means it's too early to give up. And if this is only being told to me now, it can be interpreted as a thought that I haven't yet ruined this chance with my actions! And that's very good news.
Moreover, considering how easily the questers can lead any of the earthlings to their demise, the fact that I'm still alive can be seen as a certain hint. A hint that I might be the very thread of Ariadne capable of guiding humans to victory. Of course, this thought is presumptuous, but if I were hindering the questers in achieving their mysterious goal, I'm sure they would have erased me without the slightest doubt. They would just give me an impossible task or concoct something similar, and that's it, I'd be gone. So, it turns out that my very existence is already a sort of clue.
Does this mean that everything I'm doing is correct? That the strategy I have chosen is right? No, it's too early to make such categorical assertions. It might well be that, for now, I am simply more helpful than harmful, nothing more. But I like to think that in the chance the questers see, my decisions play a significant role.
These thoughts, to put it mildly, flattered my ego. Of course, they would, considering that such powerful entities as the questers have already failed three times, and it seems that I, at least in theory, have the potential to rectify everything. But why me? The questers, like me, know about the future, and they know much more than I do. So, this knowledge alone isn't a sufficient factor. The questers' abilities far exceed mine, yet it seems that I, for some reason, could be the pebble that tips the scales in the right direction. The question is: why? And no matter how much I think about it, I find no other answer except that I am a human. A human, not a quester. And this seems to be the key difference! It turns out that my very first decision, made during the trials, not to turn into a soulless mechanism but to preserve my humanity, was the right one. I am human, and this is important!
Of course, this logic has many gaps and omissions, but these reflections greatly inspired me, dispelling the oppressive state I was in after the questers' revelation. I even caught myself smiling.
After filling up water from the stream and extinguishing the fire, I gathered the remaining food and, having packed it carefully, slung my backpack over my shoulder. Then, picking up the case with Boundless Pride and Striking Whisper, I stood up straight, stretched until my joints cracked, and started walking forward.