The lobby was straight out of Hustlers of the Rich and Famous, a show Joe had only gotten to watch the first “free” promo episode of. One thing he’d gotten very good at in his little apartment was maximizing the free trials and canceling them before they got him. Chandeliers dripped icy crystals in swirls of magical echoes of the improbable wing of suites outside. Ice blue velvet couches dotted the deeper blue of the plush carpet that would have been impossible to keep clean in the real world. Little spots of wavy mirrors were rimmed in seafoam green, but they felt more like funhouse mirrors than stylish class. The check-in desk was pale pine with a trimming of white as if it was the beach they were supposed to wash up on. It was probably meant to look like an abstract underwater scene, like they’d just stepped into a Little Mermaid set, but what it felt like to Joe was Elsa’s castle in the snow.
Joe followed Tam like a puppy, or perhaps like a leashed fish as he gawked at the décor. A restaurant beckoned on one side of the lobby and a set of upscale stores glittered on the other. The restaurant was so upscale that it had its own doormen, one on either side of a massive set of doors that somehow broke the way through a curved fish tank with a pair of mermaids that beckoned lobby-people into their domain. Again, Joe found it more creepy than elegant. Then again, those at his level of just-above-poverty were pretty much trained by society to fear this domain of the rich and powerful.
Tam didn’t blink as she gave her name to the person at the front desk. Not once did they look at either of them as flotsam to be cleaned from the bottom of their shoes, which only made sense when Joe kicked his brain into remembering them as AIs.
“TAM TAM!!!” came a screech that worked very hard to make Joe's ears bleed.
“Glenda!” Tami squealed back, but she was closer to Joe, so he was struck back from between them by the stereo ear-shattering sound. He felt like he'd just taken 15 points of sonic damage.
The squealing didn’t stop as they stampeded toward each other and hugged like you’d expect a couple of well-bred debutantes to do. Who knew it was a DOT (damage over time) spell as the ear damage continued into even higher octaves that put Ms. Brightman to shame, except that theirs were also just a tad off pitch? Yeah, Joe was one of those crazy people who loved opera. He blamed Pretty Woman, a movie that brainwashed him into thinking prostitutes had class and that you couldn’t learn to love opera, you had to have it in your soul.
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“I had them ring me as soon as you tried to check in!” Glenda finally said as the squealing slid down the scale and volume enough to fade out, except for the ringing left in Joe's ears.
“And then materialized from your room to here? Wow!” Tami leaned back out of their hug and grabbed Glenda’s face in her hands. “It’s so good to see you!”
“Host perk,” Glenda said through smushed cheeks and gave a perky shrug. “It’s good to see you, too!”
“It’s a sin that you’re straight my dear,” Tam said, tapping Glenda’s pursed lips flirtatiously.
Glenda grabbed Tam’s hands away from her face to offer a coy blink of very long eyelashes. “I know.”
“Tease,” Tam flirted back, but it wasn’t serious. They were more like psycho sorority sisters than old flames.
“Jean?” Glenda peeked around Tam to look over to Joe. He felt a wave of panic hit his stomach at being noticed. “You’ve changed a bit.”
“Not enough for that mistake,” Jean said from behind Glenda.
“Oh, thank Gawds,” Glenda sighed out theatrically. “No one should change that much, but hey, it could have been an avatar.”
“Like I need an avatar,” Jean scoffed, leaving unsaid but clear that Jean considered herself better than fine without enhancements. Considering that Jean was in ratty black jeans and a leather jacket with matching scuffed boots, that was some ego. Joe envied it.
“This is Joe,” Tam introduced them, and Joe was glad that he didn’t have to worry about sweaty palms or bad breath as Glenda prowled toward him with a predatory glint.
“Hello, Joe,” Glenda purred, then sent queries over her shoulder to the girls who smiled as Glenda circled Joe. For the first time, he felt like the décor was an underwater theme instead of a frozen castle because Glenda moved like a shark, and he had no idea what intentions she had. “Is he a regular Joe Shmoe, or is he a tall drink of Joe you want to sip all night long?”
What the hell was Joe supposed to take from that? He froze like the pathetic introvert he was so deep in his soul.
“He’s just a friend,” Tami laughed at Glenda with a tinkling sound that set Joe's nerves on edge even further. “I brought him to help me wrangle the kitchen.”
“Pity,” Glenda purred into Joe's face, her nose a millimeter from his.
And then the moment was over so abruptly that he remembered to breathe again in a dastardly rush.
“But darling,” Glenda turned to Tam with a slight crease of her brow. Very slight. “You know that I’ve only accepted your cooking in spirit as I fully expect you to attend both the wedding and reception as my guest. I hired Symon, Batali, Cora, and Masaharu for our four-course savory options and Guichon for dessert. I only need you to wrangle their egos and check their work for my taste.”
“Only, she says,” Tam’s eyebrows rose with each new name mentioned. These were all chefs from some 2020 era and replicas of them for the VR experience.
“But darling, you can’t possibly attend like that and if I know you, you’ve thrown out or donated all the outfits I bought for you last time,” Glenda scolded mildly, her eyes still sharklike. “This is why I had them ring me the moment you got here. If I’d waited, you’d have gone straight to the kitchen and begun working and had only rags to wear for the reception. Jean would have shown up in jeans.”
“You know us so well,” Tam cast a yearning glance at the restaurant behind her. “No, really,” she pulled out her gold card and waved it back and forth, “I came prepared.”
“Nonsense,” Glenda one-upped Tam with another card. It was clear and shimmered like mother of pearl mixed with a hologram. Joe didn’t even know where that ranked above platinum and gold. “I have his card and we can put it on his tab.”
“The joys of matrimony,” Jean said, her smile off.
Tam strode purposefully to Glenda and took that face back in her hands for a serious moment. “You know if he ever makes it so that you need,” Tam’s eyes got scarier than Glenda’s, “our more unique services, you’ll call me, right?”
“Relax,” Glenda took Tam’s hands in hers and the shark was back. Joe only barely heard the whisper of the rest. “He didn’t even ask for a prenup and the only thing I’d call you two for would be to help me clean up the blood if that became the case.”
Exp +100 (Quest: More Viewers!! Quest Complete!)
“Just saying,” Tam shrugged, and the playful humor was back, and the world was right again.
“So, shopping?!” Glenda’s delightful soprano sang out with the question that was not a question at all as she took Tam’s hand and dragged her toward the shops.
“I’ll just take our stuff up to the room,” Jean tried to escape toward a bank of elevators.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Glenda waved her imperious finger over her shoulder as she hooked arms with Tam and headed toward the shops. “No room key until you are properly attired for the rehearsal ball tonight.”
Jean gave a sigh and hung her head, following the two like a dog on a leash to the vet. Since Joe couldn’t understand how a rehearsal dinner was a ball, he tried to duck back into the woodwork. He figured he’d gotten off easy and could find his way back out to the beach to kick back for a bit, maybe ordering a drink that would cost more than his last motel room. That was not in the cards.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Quest: Go Shopping
And no shoplifting this time. Or, at least not a lot of shoplifting.
Rewards: 200 xp, plus the Brand Insertion skill.
Accept Y/N.
Joe almost hit no, but the World AI and he had been getting along so well lately and that skill really would come in handy. He hit yes and mimicked Jean’s hangdog posture as the two of them followed like a pair of harried husbands dragged on their wives’ shopping trip. Tam and Glenda bounced along like a couple of bunnies, but if you’ve ever met real rabbits, and not just the ones in the Easter ads or the ones with AI chips to make them act like Easter, they are vicious creatures under all that cute. All Joe had to say on that was Watership Down, a movie his mother had let him watch at much too young of an age because it was animated and had cute little bunnies in it. If the AI had used bunnies instead of a spider, Joe would have broken far earlier.
Noted, the World AI snarked at Joe.
“Not funny, man,” Joe told it carefully.
Also noted, the World AI said, and did it sound sorry? These affectations had Joe so confused.
Quest: Case the Jewels
You are passing the jewelry store where a fortune in jewels awaits your unique skillset. Do you dare?
Rewards: 300 xp Cat Burglar Kit, and the next step in the Jewel Thief quest.
Accept Y/N.
Ignore that, the World AI said, it’s an automatic quest provided by the hotel program. It is not of my making.
“Does it hurt to accept the quest, just in case I get the chance?” Joe asked plaintively. “Wouldn’t the xp still count?” The Y practically pulsed with his desire to touch it with his mind.
No. The xp would only apply to this particular program’s cat burglar persona. The World AI sighed with exasperation. If you accept this quest, then you will enter that quest tract, which has its own rewards a lot like when you were trying to be a thief in the dungeon.
“But all quests have rewards, right?” Joe wheedled shamelessly. “Besides, won’t it be a good advertisement for the program to highlight this feature?”
You can accept it, the World AI capitulated reluctantly. But it cannot interfere with our drama. We have spent a lot of time setting up this scenario. You must go through the stores’ makeovers, and attend all events on the wedding itinerary.
“If I complete all my chores, may I go to the cat burglar ball, oh my fairy godfather?” Joe teased the World AI, accepting the quest. Just in case.
There must be an upgrade to allow Grace to attend you on set, the World AI complained. This sort of handholding is her job, not mine.
Joe strolled up to the jeweler’s window like it held candy instead of glittering stones.
“What are you doing?” Jean whispered to Joe as she came up beside him, her eyes clearly not on the jewelry that even the Prince of Persia couldn’t afford.
“Hey, Glenda,” Joe called to the gals ahead of them. “I’ll bet that he bought you quite the rock, right?”
Glenda turned with a glowing smile, extending her hand as expected. “He sure did.”
“That’s a beauty,” Joe whistled in appreciation of the glittering ring of eye-popping size. Ever since they’d started enhancing the glitter-ability of diamonds in the early 2000s, people almost needed sunglasses to view the things nowadays. Joe blinked his eyes quickly to allow the VR filters to tone down the glow. “You strike me as a tiara with the veil kind of girl.”
“How astute,” Glenda narrowed her eyes at Joe.
“Did you get it yet? Your tiara,” Joe asked, and Glenda strolled back toward him to look into the window, her eyes only slightly drawn to the jewels there.
“Yes,” Glenda said slowly.
“But,” and Joe looked up and tapped his lower lip. “What if as the veil was lifted, you went from tiara to crown, like princess to queen?” Then he pointed into the jewelry store.
“The wedding is tomorrow,” Glenda mused, “but there is probably still time to custom order something.”
“One can never max those things out, right?” Joe pointed at the card still clutched in her hand, and her eyes glittered more than the ring on her finger.
“I’m rather fond of my slightly oversized tiara, but if,” she raised her brows at Joe, “as you suggested, I use it as my crown and get a more modest tiara for the effect, that could be quite dramatic. Tami, darling, where did you find this lovely creature?”
“The gutter, of course,” Joe quipped and sent a silent thanks to his Clickbait.
“Well, my little gutter-glitter,” Glenda drawled out, laying an arm across Joe's shoulders. “I believe we should go right in here and look at what they can do for us.”
Joe just gave her a small smirk and allowed himself to be steered inside the store. Once inside the store, Tam and Glenda challenged the very essence of the programming with Glenda’s specifications while Jean and Joe checked out the security system, while acting like very bored bodyguards. They nearly blew it at one point as Kodo poked his head out of the backpack and reached for a particularly jazzy choker of diamonds and sapphires.
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“It would seem that your pet has expensive tastes,” a security guard sidled up next to Joe to point out Kodo’s nose pressed against the pane of glass between him and the prize.
“Do you make those in collar style?” Joe quipped, instantly ready only because he’d been thinking of what to say for several moments of feeling Kodo stir on his back.
“We do indeed,” the clerk shooed the guard away. “I’d say that your charming companion could easily be sized for a choker like this.”
That was when Glenda turned, and Joe nearly lost his hearing again. No sooner had she been made aware of Joe's entourage than they were lined up on the counter and fitted for wedding-level accoutrements. Joe leaned back on a counter of glass, completely at ease. This was the very purpose of having his entourage and he reveled in their distraction from his own testing of security’s touchiness.
Hex sat still and regal for her fitting, lifting an imperious paw to push away anything that did not specifically come in purple. They settled on a collar of sapphires so deep a blue that they were classified as purple sapphires. It winked like magic from under her fur in such a delicate way that her coy look as they put it on made her look almost human. For Podo, they settled on a leather and sapphire halter lined in rabbit fur and fitted on the spot by the resident jeweler. They even had sapphires came in colors like peach? Joe had never seen anything like them. They were called Padparadsha Sapphires and exorbitantly expensive. Podo got those because they blended into her fur like she was studded with peach highlights. Kodo got his blue sapphire collar, resized to him specifically. Joe thought that Kodo would slip right out of that except that Kodo loved the thing so much that he was constantly adjusting it so that it flickered with the light around him.
Around all this, Glenda kept a second jeweler busy designing a new less ostentatious tiara to match what she was now more appropriately calling her crown. Supposedly, her design would be used here at the VR wedding, and recreated in the real world for public appearances as the Princess of Persia or whatever she was supposed to be. Meanwhile, the security guard and Joe played a game of cat and mouse, where Joe fingered things so expensive that he could have built a homeless shelter twenty stories high with their street value.
“And finally,” Glenda sidled up to Joe as he handed another silky necklace of fire back to the patient sales clerk. “Consider these a donation from the Prince of Persia.” And she slipped a decadent watch onto his wrist. “Never let it be said that we don’t take care to sparkle up even our gutters.”
“Thank you,” Joe breathed out, more intimidated by her sexual tone than the wealth she’d donned on him. The golden watch was ringed with sapphires that matched his pets at three, six, and nine, with a diamond that sparkled like Glenda’s eyes at the twelve. “Thanks,” he then said for real. There were enough functions on this old-fashioned watch that Joe could have played his video games on it if he wanted to. And he wanted to very badly.
Exp +300 (Quest: Case the Jewels. Quest Complete! Cat Burglar kit will be waiting in the safe in your room. Code 1999.)
Quest: Get the Schematics to the Safe Room
You have the tools, now get the plans.
Rewards: 400 xp Bonus wardrobe and schematics for the entire hotel.
Accept Y/N.
Joe hit yes as they left the jewelry store, Tam slinging an arm over his shoulder and eyeing his grin. “If you steal her jewels before the wedding, there will be hell to pay that you and I are not ready to face.”
“I would never,” Joe swore, and he was serious. The watch had almost no weight except in his heart.
Tam eyed him suspiciously for a pregnant moment that broke when she smiled and leapt back toward Glenda spinning their whole group, by presence alone, toward a formalwear shop. That part was more tedious, at least to Joe, but by the end of the commercial montage they created, Joe had three outfits for three very specific events that set a pit of dread in his stomach. He now owned a tux, a Gucci suit for the wedding, and a pair of jeans that changed color according to a setting on his watch. He’d actually asked for the last one.
“Isn’t this a bit excessive?” Joe whispered to Jean as they watched Glenda press another two ball gowns at Tam to try on. “I mean, are we bankrupting a country by doing all this?”
“Nah,” Jean waved away Joe's concern. “VR rates are fabulous and besides, the Princess package that Glenda signed up for includes an unlimited guest list.”
“Unlimited guest list?” Joe asked as if he had a cue card, but he was seriously curious. What did he know about how rich people acted?
“It’s like ticket sales, and with her popularity and premier guest list, she’ll be able to charge the general public up to $1000 a pop to be a VR guest,” Tam explained with clear enunciation.
“How do you make profits on guests?” Joe asked, playing into their ad campaign like a good straight man.
“Every ticket will entitle the guest to inhabit one of several guest bodies, and the bodies even overlap, though people can pay extra to have a single occupancy for a more private and controllable experience. They’ll each be able to sit and experience what the controller of the avatar experiences of the wedding,” Tam thought she was explaining but that didn’t make a wit of sense. “They’ll easily make a profit by the time everyone springs for the full hors d’oeuvres, photo ops, and wine list options.”
“Profitable weddings,” Joe mused with awe, thinking that this was something only ever offered to the rich. Why was it that the richer you were, the less you had to actually pay for anything? “What will they think of next?”
Exp +200 (Quest: Go Shopping. Quest Complete! Skill Gained: Brand Insertion.)