Slide 2: Mother knows worst
There’s a time in any kid’s life where it has to make a choice. Something that defines it for the rest of his or her lifetime and the core of what makes a person… a person.
What is that most important of all decisions you ask? A future career? Which brand of candy to waste your allowance on? Those are certainly important, but nothing can ever come close to the repercussions of the one thing that we can never change again.
Hobbies.
Now I know what you are going to say. We get new hobbies all the time. Some are abandoned at the wayside like worn out sandals and others are picked up like a fancy new swimsuit.
WRONG.
A kid’s very first hobby defines their entire path in life! Their very existence is just one binary choice: The first hobby! Do you choose to accept that all-defining hobby or are you just going to do something that is not meant to be your destiny?
A famous painter did not start their life with a basketball, just as a sailor does not learn to climb a mountain first. Like chicks freshly hatched from our eggs we imprint on the first thing we like. Boys like to collect action figures. Why? Because they are born to be action figure-
Okay, maybe the comparison doesn’t completely make sense, but it worked for us. Me and my friends, The Sliders, have all heard the call of the bubbling spring. Our childish selves had no idea what this magnificent thing was, but we climbed to its top and then rushed down at mildly impressive speed. Surely there was no greater pleasure than abusing gravity with very little friction. Ohoho, but there was! Once you splash the clearest liquids of 9 Realms over the slide it turns into a bridge that connects our dimension with the next world – pure bliss!
Basically, what I’m trying to say is, water slides are pretty rad.
To finish our magnum opus of a world tour, we have arrived at the biggest water park in the world, with the meanest, fastest, coolest, unsafest water slide ever made: The Devil’s Spiral! It has more loops than a spring that can stretch across the entire solar system. It has waterfalls inside the tunnels. It shoots you up via a complex geyser system. It is rumored to break all the laws of physics.
There is only one minor hiccup on our path to heaven.
A waiting line.
Of course a super-sized slide has a super-sized waiting line and so we ended up with around one million hindrances ahead of us. What is a courageous group of overconfident teenagers to do when faced with such an opponent?
“Uhm… excuse me?” I walk up to the flock of crow-like mothers that are squawking incessantly at each other while ignoring their horrific brood of impatient monster children.
“…and so I said to him ‘No way. If you want to see my boy ever again, you will pay the alimony and some extra, you good-for-nothing slob’. Can you believe what he replied? ‘He is my son too’, he said. How dare he?!” The woman I had bumped into before ignores my approach completely.
“Vile!” A mother with a huge blot of sunscreen only on her nose shrieks.
“Such a… such a despicable slouch.” The only thin (and by that I mean near bulimic) mom gives her disgusted reaction while rocking her snot-faced brat up and down.
“Hello? Anybody there?” I try again, but they seem serious about ignoring my existence. I consider just giving up here and now. Depressing adults like these are draining all my joy and determination.
That’s when I notice a boy staring at me. He is a lot younger than myself, as evident by the fact that he is still sucking his thumb. His blue eyes are really creepy somehow. In a crowd of people he manages to stand out like a sore thumb (while also sucking his own). I’m not sure what to do, so I wave my hand in a friendly gesture.
The boy stares.
“What’s the hold up Mark?” I hear a low voice from behind the water noodle rack close-by.
I squint my eyes as I try to keep my neck from moving. That was the voice of Carla. One of my dear friends that decided to throw me at this flesh mountain without so much as a word of support.
“I dunno. Maybe the fact that nobody is listening to me?” I mutter.
“What did you say?”
“Case in point….” I sigh and move forward. Even if I’m all on my own, my goal is right in front of me. How could I throw in the towel so early?! “Miss!”
“So I will definitely sue him- Hm? You again, boy? Didn’t I shoo you away for assaulting me already? Should I call the lifeguard to get you off of me?”
I have literally zero interest in that obese crow, but saying that out loud would fetch me a slap at best.
“N-no, that’s not necessary! I’m sorry for bumping into you before.” I swallow my pride and common sense and apologize.
“Hmph. So your parents did beat some manners into you.”
I actually haven’t seen my parents in over two years, but that’s beside the point.
“What does this ugly child want?” The anorexic crow asks with her beak pecking at- I mean with her nose rubbing against her helpless infant’s head.
“I was about to ask Lucy!” She shouts over her shoulder and then turns back to me. “What do you want?”
“It’s about the line… I just wanted to ask… if maybe me and my friends could go ahead of you? You probably don’t want to ride it anyway, your kids do. We could take them along!” I make my most reasonable offer!
They stare at me. For a loooong time.
“Bwahahaha!”
“Gyaaggaga!!”
“Grogogogoo!”
And they are apparently going into anaphylactic shock. Maybe they are allergic to children? Would explain why that one in the back is trying to keep as much distance to her daughter as humanly possible.
It dawns on me eventually that they are actually laughing.
“Cutting in line at this age? Your parents are greater failures than my Ex!”
“Ahaha, which one?”
“Oh.... that one guy… he had a mustache.”
“Frank? Percy?”
“Both fit the bill.”
They are absorbed in discussing their failed love lives again. At least that spares me more humiliation. The mothers are a dead end. Which means…
“….”
“….”
I exchange yet another look with the creepy boy. Is it possible to make thumb sucking menacing? He is really pulling it off!
“H-hi! I’m Mark. What’s your name?” I ask with a smile that I would give a one story water slide at the local pool. Not too joyful, but still the bare minimum of courtesy.
“….Dylan.” Dylan answers with a voice that should not come out of a little boy’s mouth. What did they feed him?! Liquid testosterone?
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“That’s a… cool name. Really… dynamic.” It might be a terrible time to realize that I have no idea how to communicate with human beings.
“Do ya like ice-cream Uncle?” Dylan asks while deviously sucking his thumb.
“Ice-cream? Sure, I guess. I don’t really think too much about what I eat.” Why is he calling me uncle? Do I look that old? When did I grow a mustache?
“I like chocolate flavor.” Dylan grins malefic while sucking his thumb.
“That’s probably the default choice. I’m more a vanilla kind of guy-“
“…” Dylan’s eyes turn sharp as those of lizards. He stops sucking his thumb.
“C-chocolate is great too though!” I extend my hands to calm him down.
My fingers hurt all of a sudden.
“GAAH! You bit me?!” I pull my hands back, but the alligator like jaws of this kid are crunching down on them as if they were a quick snack!
“Gnu cwant wike Bwanailla!!”
“Whyyy?! Why is this common flavor choice so upsetting to you??!” I yell as I spin the kid in circles around me. The centrifugal force increases the pressure on my poor hands even more, while Dylan shows no sign of letting loose!
“Hush Dylan, mommy is talking right now.” One of the moms just casually tells us to quiet down without even glancing over!
“Excuse me, Miss? Your son is devouring my flesh!”
“I said quiet down. The adults are talking. Dylan would never do something like that.” She pushes me back, which makes me lose my footing.
The next moment I fall to the slippery tiled floor below with a ravenous beast on top of me.
“Chocolate!”
“I’m sorry! Chocolate is the best, alright?! I was just trying to support vanilla, because I felt bad for how much people hate it!”
“CHOCOLATE?”
“YES! Chocolate!”
“It’s da best.” Dylan transforms back into a sinister child and sucks his thumb, relieving my nearly severed fingers of his sharp milk teeth.
“He gets along with Dylan?”
“Waaah…. What a weirdo.”
“Boys.”
The other kids are starting to trash talk me as well. This seems to be a lose-lose-lose situation. I don’t remember being so judgmental when I went to grade school! Actually I don’t remember grade school at all. All my memories are of the school’s pool slide. It was tiny and old, but it had soul. A true artisan’s craftsmanship, down to the peeling old paint and badly hammered nails that stuck out at some places-
“Want ice-cream?” Dylan (still sitting on top of me by the way) asks me with a terrifying thumb sucking smirk.
“I want to say no, but that will probably get me another bite mark. So yeah! Ice-cream.” I swallow. The shop is all the way back at the bistro. If I get dragged over there now I will probably lose precious time. But if I ignore Dylan I might lose something else precious.
“I have ice-cream.” Dylan says conspiratorially and rummages through his swimming trunks. “Mommy said I shud eat all, but I waited for later.” He snickers darkly and then pulls out something.
What? You want me to describe that? No chance. Your imagination probably knows best what comes out of a boy’s swimming trunks after he stored it in there for several hours.
Wow, that sounded horrible.
Not as horrible as that molten sticky mass of formerly-ice-cream though!
“I share wit you, becuz you like chocolate.” Dylan’s manly voice makes it sound like a threat.
“T-that’s okay! My friend Ramirez actually bought some before we got here, so I’m already full-“
“You deny da chocolate?!” His expression could have made grown men cry.
“N-no siree! I loooove chocolate!” I cry out in fear. Somebody needs to save me! I desperately look over to the rack where Carla was hiding before.
We make eye-contact. Good, she is still there. It’s time to use our secret technique, something we developed thanks to our deep bonds and experiences over the years.
Telepathy!
‘Save me, save me, save me!’
Through strange dimensions I transfer the contents of mind to hers and make her aware of my struggle. She returns my intense stare with a calculating look. Understanding lights up on her face.
She throws a sandal at me.
“Ouch!” I glare at her. What the heck was that about? I didn’t ask for a sandal! S-a-v-e m-e!
Carla shrugs.
Right, telepathy doesn’t exist. I realize with dulled eyes.
Nevermind! There must be ways for her to catch my meaning! I wiggle my eyebrows and clack my teeth. Then I point at Dylan.
Carla raises a brow, watches Dylan (who is dangerously close to shoving his ice-cream into my face) and then glances back over her shoulder. She finally gives me thumbs up.
Thank goodness. Sometimes old-fashioned body language is all that’s needed between friends-
“Ouch!” A rake hit my across the nose. A RAKE? “Oh come on!” I shout in annoyance.
I was apparently really loud. Because everyone stares at me now. Even the careless moms.
“What did you hand my boy, you miserable runt?” Dylan’s mom does not look happy. Seeing the brown mass inside her boy’s hands she apparently thinks that I, the guy who is currently lying on his back and trying to pull himself away from the kid, gave it to him. “Dylan, don’t touch dirty things! Especially not things that strange kids give you!”
I would probably feel offended over that strange comment, but Dylan is performing something akin to a step dance on my guts, so I have no air to protest.
“Dis chocolate! Mommy shud not be mean to Mark fo likin’ chocolate! Want to share mommy’s chocolate with Mark!”
“I never gave you any chocolate.” Dylan’s mom says.
What?
My face freezes in a smile of terror.
That would explain the smell.
“God boy, if your father hadn’t left to buy cigarettes he would give you a stern beating. You really take after him. Let’s go wash your hands-“
“NO! Don’t wanna! Wanna give CHOCOLATE!” Dylan is losing his composure again.
On top of me. While waving his brown hands around. HELP.
“Don’t be a brat and give me your arm! We are going to the bathroom right now!”
As mother and son struggle (on top of my helpless body) the other mothers start to say nasty things about Dylan’s mom. Those crows feed on anything they can it seems, even backstabbing one of their own.
“Hehehe, Dylan is getting chewed out!” One of the girls giggles. Apparently Dylan is not popular among the other kids.
“Dirty Dylan hahah!”
The kids begin to chant mean things and Dylan looks around with a hurt expression.
“B-but chocolate… erryone like chocolate….” He is tearing up.
My brain hurts. What is this situation exactly? All I know is that I somehow feel bad for Dylan and his mom. Being ganged up on by a group is always terrible.
“Hey Dylan.” I call out to him and he looks at me in confusion.
“?”
“I heard that girl say she likes melon flavored ice-cream the best.” I point at the girl that made fun of Dylan first.
“GRAAAH? Chocolate?” His eyes return to their primal state.
“Nope. All of them would rather eat stracciatella or strawberry.”
“C-CHOCO-“
“Their moms told them that chocolate sucks!”
“CHOCOLAAAATE!” Dylan breaks free of his mother’s distressed arms and rushes forward like an unstoppable steam train. Like a certain juggernaut, he is unstoppable.
I slowly get up and wipe my shorts from the puddle water and enjoy the view as Dylan rampages. His hands touch, scratch, smear and splat against anything that is not fast enough to dodge bullets.
The cacophony of shrieking mothers and crying children is music to my ears. Sometimes being mean is the best way to improve society.
I nod to myself as the crowd around me disperses and the pool visitors stare at the commotion. The line is getting a satisfying chunk shorter.
After the carnage ends and Dylan returns to me I kneel down and smile.
“You showed ‘em the superiority of chocolate.” I give him a thumbs up.
“Thanks Uncle… for likin’ chocolate. Erryone really funny when they touch, so I like very much.” His deep voice for the first time was filled with something other than sinister joy or rage. Satisfaction.
“Yeah, we all got something we get really obsessive over. Something that defines us. Ice-cream isn’t such a bad thing to love.” I contemplate profoundly. Ramirez would probably call that kind of view foolish and limited. Liking just one food is blasphemy to him. Also he prefers to eat six flavors at once when he gets ice-cream.
“Ice-cream’s da best!” Dylan hugs me. “But Uncle is second best!”
“Hahaha, you’re making me blush!” We hug for a second (not long enough to make it really awkward) and then Dylan runs towards his mom who is looking at the catastrophe around her with a mix of despair and endearment. Maybe this will teach her to pay more attention to her son.
“We are back Mark! Time to take care of those mothers!” Ken, Beanstalk and Ramirez come running over all of a sudden. Where exactly have they been?
“Huh?” Ramirez looks around in confusion while chomping on his ice-cream bowl. “Where’s everyone?”
“I took care of it on my own! All in a day’s work.” I pump out my chest and put my hands on my waist in pride.
“For real? What did we get these for then?” Beanstalk sighs and adjusts his taped glasses. In the other hand he is holding… A giant water rifle.
“Guys… was this your plan? Harass people with water guns?” I stare at them in disbelief.
“…of course not.” Ken says with a huff and leans his water bazooka on his shoulder. “We were going to challenge them to a fight, so Carla could cut in line.”
“Ah. So that’s why she has been hiding.” I glance towards Carla who is coming out of hiding now.
“You idiot. I’ve been telling you to wait for the others.” Her hands comb through her short hair as she averts her face from Ken and the others.
“Oh really? And how did you do that? Do you think I have telepathic abilities or something? Don’t be silly!” I say with a teasing smile.
“No, moron.” She picks up the sandal and rake from the ground. Then she pushes them into my arms.
I look them over and notice small notes stuck to them. She told the truth. That’s a very Carla like solution for sure… Seriously, where did she get that rake?
“Whatever, all’s well that ends well. How many were those? About 50 people I just knocked off the board? All thanks to Dylan.”
“Who’s Dylan?” Beanstalk tilts his head.
“A pretty cool guy who loves chocolate.” I say mysteriously and walk forward to the new end of the line.
“I don’t get it… hey what’s that smell?” Ramirez holds his nose shut and looks around.
“What are you talking about?” I ask with a wide smile.
“Did you fall on your back Mark? You are really dirty.”
“W-whatever could you mean?” My smile is stuck.
“That kid hugged you.” Carla reminds me with a fair amount of distance and a dry smirk.
“….” My smile is trying to strangle itself.
“So was that stuff really poo-“
“SHOOT ME! Do it nooow!” I yell at the water gun trio with all of my soul.
“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Ken pulls the trigger without remorse. He doesn’t even know why, but that doesn’t seem to matter.
“F-full force!” Ramirez joins in hesitantly.
“The combined stream of three MkXIIs is equal to a water pressured diamond cutter.” Beanstalk explains as he shoots me as well.
“GYAAAAH!”
The pain rinses away the shame like a water slide that’s cleaned with detergent.
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Today’s MVP: Dylan
Line advanced: 50 people
Next level: Medium Difficulty
(To be continued)