Asher believed that people could change, but not overnight. As a young adult, he had much different opinions than he’d had as a child. As an old man, he’d probably have much different opinions than he did now. He wondered how things would change in the future. At times it was scary to think about. As long as Rowan was around, Asher imagined he’d be okay. He’d never been on a plane before. He hadn’t wanted to travel at all, but Hannah had insisted he visit her, swearing she’d never forgive herself otherwise. She’d never made sense. Whatever Hannah had done that warranted being angry with herself, Asher wasn’t sure why it had anything to do with him.

When the weather warmed up and the snow melted, Asher kept himself busy by skateboarding around the neighbourhood. Sometimes he listened to Mary’s podcast. Sometimes he spent time with friends from work. It no longer felt uncomfortable to talk out loud about his husband, or his family - though he spoke of this rarely. He knew little about what had become of his siblings, and he didn’t care to know anything more. It was still strange that a boy could grow up surrounded by people and noise, but still feel lonely.

A couple of weeks ago, Hannah called very late at night. Asher hadn’t spoken to her in months, and didn’t particularly miss her, even though he probably should have. During their phone call, Hannah told him about her new job, and how she was struggling to get by after Saphira moved out. “I miss you,” she’d said, “I want to hang out with you.” She’d always been a liar. Maybe she wanted a favour. Maybe she needed money. From what Asher knew about his twin, she’d never contact him unless she needed something.

“Maybe she’s dying,” said Rowan, “and she needs to clear her conscience.” He’d meant it as a joke, but Asher wouldn’t put this past his sister.

He hated crowds. When Hannah invited him to visit, she’d mentioned Rowan by name. This was suspicious and surprising; she’d always hated Rowan. Asher was certain that until now, she’d never even known his name.

“I don’t get it.”

The boys sat next to one another at a cafe, waiting for their plane to board. Rowan, who knew how airports worked, had been a great source of comfort. If Hannah hadn’t insisted he bring Rowan, Asher wouldn’t have agreed to visit her at all.

“She hasn’t talked to me in forever, or responded to me at all when I try to talk to her. Now she suddenly wants to be best friends?” He couldn’t pretend he’d ever understood Hannah. Rowan was the one who had talked him into visiting her. Rowan was far more open-minded than him.

Rowan nibbled on a cream cheese bagel, his favourite breakfast food. “I’m kind of curious to see what she wants, actually.” His parents weren’t strict, and rarely checked in when he left the city. Most of the time, Rowan didn’t even tell his parents what was going on in his life. “What could possibly have happened that she decided she needed to suddenly see you?”

It was a six hour flight to Newfoundland. After leaving the cafe, Rowan took his hand, and Asher didn’t feel anxious. This was new for him. Rowan seemed to be the only person who made him feel calm. “Why did she insist that you come, too?”

They didn’t plan on staying long. Asher rolled a large suitcase behind him, in which he and Rowan had packed a week’s worth of clothing and personal supplies for their trip. He didn’t know what to expect. Rowan had promised, if the visit became uncomfortable or unpleasant, they could leave at any time. It was nearly time to board. After following him to the seats outside their gate, Rowan put an arm around him. “Maybe she thought you wouldn’t have gone without me.”

Asher shrugged. “I wouldn’t have.”

I should have spent more time with you growing up. You’re my twin brother. I don’t want to go the rest of my life without talking to you.

For the past few days, Hannah had been texting Asher regularly: asking questions about his life and marriage. He’d never told her about his wedding. He’d never given her his phone number, but they had a lot of siblings, and some were far too nosy to mind their own business. Hannah spoke of Rowan as casually as she’d speak of one of her brothers. They hadn’t met in person. Asher was anxious about his sister’s receptiveness. Since getting married, Asher had taken his husband’s last name. This severed any connection he had with his parents, which he felt was essential to overcoming the trauma they’d caused. Some people recognized him from the murder trial. Some people remained adamant he was guilty, even though this had been proven otherwise. The thing about small towns was that gossip spread quickly. Asher hated being the source of gossip, but it was inevitable with a family like his.

The boys could barely afford this trip. Rowan was in college, and Asher made minimum wage at an arcade. His mothers in-law were well-paid, and had helped out financially more than once in the past - but asking for help was uncomfortable, and he was more than old enough to take care of himself. Asher was afraid of heights. After boarding, he felt cramped and nervous.

“I’ll meet you at the airport,” Hannah said earlier that day, “just tell me when your plane lands, and I’ll head over.” She was trying way too hard to be his friend. As kids, he and Hannah were inseparable. As a teenager, she made him miserable. Hannah was his biggest critiquer. Sometimes, when he made a small mistake, he still heard her saying he was useless. Delilah had told him once that insecure people could make other people insecure, too.

He was tired. He’d spent most of the night lying awake, and he’d gotten up very early that morning to make the flight. Rowan could sleep almost anywhere. Asher needed a quiet, dark place, and even his earplugs couldn’t drown out the sound of the plane. Anyway, he’d been struggling with insomnia ever since he was released from prison. He used to fall asleep shortly after going to bed, and now it took hours. He always slept better when Rowan slept next to him.

As promised, Hannah waited outside the gate at the airport. She had a blond boy with her who was about Asher’s height, and who grinned at the boys when they passed through the gate. He felt awkward around Hannah. It hadn’t always been this way, and he sometimes missed the way their relationship used to be. It was early afternoon; Asher hadn’t had lunch. Although Rowan was the most sociable of the boys, he followed behind quietly, watching the twins’ interaction.

“Hi, Ash.”

Hannah had never called him this before. She was several inches shorter than him, and threw her arms around him abruptly. Even though they’d hugged often as children, this was years ago, and things had changed since then.

Asher shoved her, making her stumble backwards. “What are you doing?” He began to walk, eager to escape the crowds and hide out at home. Hannah scurried after him, frowning slightly.

“I was hugging you.”

“Why?”

She didn’t have a car. Asher didn’t know her boyfriend’s name, and didn’t ask. After helping load the bags into a grey SUV, Hannah got into the front seat. “Because I missed you. I’m glad you agreed to come hang out.” She wore sweatpants and no makeup, which was strange because Hannah never left the house without making herself look perfect. Even when she spent hours getting ready, she still looked the same. “This is Lucas, by the way.” She put a hand on the shoulder of the blond boy as he began to drive. Asher wondered how he put up with her. Maybe Hannah was less of a bitch around her boyfriends. Even as Asher thought this, it felt unlikely.

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He tried to get comfortable in the back seat. He wasn’t particularly tall, but he had long legs that often got in the way. Rowan lay his head on Asher’s shoulder, looking at him adorably. Just about everything Rowan did was adorable. Asher knew Hannah lived alone, but wasn’t sure where, and didn’t care to ask. “Why do you suddenly want to be best friends, anyway? You hated me for our entire childhood. Are you dying or something? Did you get possessed by a ghost that actually cares about people?” Perhaps he was being too mean. People could change, after all. But there was something unusually satisfying about giving Hannah a taste of her own foul medicine.

For some reason or another, he’d agreed to stay at her apartment for a week, sleeping in the bedroom that was once Saphira’s. Maybe some part of him believed that it was possible to rebuild his relationships with Hannah. Maybe some part of him missed her despite the turbulence of their adolescence together. Orion’s daughters probably had experienced things his sons could never dream of.

Hannah glanced at Lucas, who shrugged. There was some big secret Asher was being left out of. Then again, Hannah was always a bit of a drama queen.

“Jude tried to kill me.”

There were only three cities in Newfoundland. Hannah lived in the largest one. Asher preferred a small and impersonal town. Hannah liked the noise and rush that came with city living, and she grew bored easily in places that had little entertainment.

“What?”

Asher’s anxiety used to come at understandable moments: when he was being scolded by his mother, when he was in uncertain situations, when he was alone on dark streets. Now it came at random, and often lingered for weeks without any reason. It was why he had stopped leaving the house if he had no reason to - being perceived by others made him feel nervous, and there was no understanding why. “What do you mean?”

It was unlike Hannah to be fearful. Maybe something traumatic had happened to her, and Asher was inconsiderate. “Exactly what I said.” It was odd and disconcerting to see Hannah so timid. “He stalked me for weeks, and then he followed me to a party and tried to kill me.” She was quiet for a moment, sitting backwards in her seat to look at him. Jude had tracked several of Orion’s children; Asher knew this. None of them had ended up dead since Alma. Hannah shuffled in her seat. Rowan slept on Asher’s shoulder, and Hannah said nothing about it. “If someone hadn’t seen it happening, I would be dead.”

It could have been any one of them. It could have been Asher, too. He wasn’t sure what had made Jude so callous. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Like you’d even care.” Hannah scoffed, turning back around. “If I died, nobody would care. I don’t think any of my siblings would even know, because I don’t talk to them.” This was kind of sad. Hannah may have been insufferable, but she was still his sister. “Anyway,” she continued, sounding uncertain for once in her life, “I just realized I didn’t want to die without being on good terms with my own twin.”

Hannah’s apartment was small and cluttered, the walls decorated with religious artwork and artifacts. After dragging his suitcase into the empty bedroom he’d been assigned, Asher sat next to his sister on the sofa. When he wasn’t at home, he always felt apprehensive. Hannah used to tease him for his anxieties. He feared things he didn’t have control of: new places, change, spontaneous plans. No one seemed to understand the unease of uncertainty, and Asher struggled to explain the feeling to others. Often, moments of overwhelming stress or fear made him feel like he’d left his body altogether. He couldn’t explain this to people without feeling crazy, so he never spoke about it, even when his apprehension was so overwhelming that he spent days looking through fog.

In the narrow hallway, Lucas and Rowan had a quiet conversation. Hannah smiled at Asher, sitting uncomfortably close to him. He couldn’t recall the last time she’d smiled sincerely. It made her look sort of like a stranger. “I really am glad you’re here.” She was unsure how to act around him; it had been so long since the twins spent time together without fighting. Instead of her usual condescending tone, Hannah was grateful. “I thought I was going to die with you hating me forever.”

Feeling appreciated was unsettling. It was easier to avoid emotion than to feel unsettled. “Do you really think I hate you, Hannah?”

“Probably.” Hannah never slouched. She sat up straight and proper, fiddling with a silver locket she wore. “I was always so mean to you.”

Siblings bullied one another. That’s just how it was. “That doesn’t mean I hate you.” When you grew up with people who never showed verbal affection, you became the type of adult who wasn’t even sure what affection was. Asher cared about his sisters. He’d assumed for years that Hannah was the hateful one.

You have to love your family, Mary said once, you have to love your family because they’re family, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them all the time.

Shortly after arriving at Hannah’s apartment, her boyfriend left for work. He didn’t live with her, but visited often enough to have clothing scattered throughout the place. Hannah made small talk with Rowan: wondering about his family and hobbies, acting as though he were a close friend. Hannah was two-faced. She’d always been this way. She knew that by appealing to people, she could make them like her. “You can admit it, you know. I won’t blame you for hating me. Even I hate me most of the time.”

After his arrest, Asher wasted too much time claiming his innocence. Although most people hadn’t believed him, Hannah was the first to call him a liar. He’d left home the night of his father’s death, but he’d seen her at his trial: gossiping to other siblings, seeming to go out of her way to pretend he no longer existed. Some of Hannah’s siblings still trusted her, but it was smarter not to. Asher’s mother had always said it was important to forgive the people who betrayed you, because God would want you to. The older he got, the less he believed there was a God at all. Even when forgiveness was possible, it didn’t happen overnight.

Rowan held him with both arms. Though Hannah tried to be welcoming, there was a harshness in her eyes. She was too much like her mother. She was more of an acquaintance than a sister. The difference between the twins was that Hannah could hold a grudge for years, and Asher couldn’t hate even his worst enemy.

“I realized something recently.”

Hannah rustled through the kitchen cupboards. When she returned, she carried a large bag of Pretzels, which she offered to the boys. “I realized something,” she said again, sitting cross-legged with the bag in her hands. “I was always so afraid of disappointing Mom and Dad. I cared so much about their approval that I sort of forgot other people had feelings, too.”

That much was obvious. “I could have told you that.”

“And I’m sorry.”

It was bizarre to hear Hannah apologize. Asher didn’t think she’d ever done it before. It had been many years since she seemed human. He could have poked fun at her vulnerability. He could have teased her the way she used to tease him. He was a people pleaser, and still hadn’t learned how to assert himself. “It’s okay.” He’d say this even if it wasn’t true, and Hannah had to know this about him by now. “You just wanted to feel loved, like the rest of us.”

Hannah’s phone sat face-down on a table, untouched since her arrival home. When she looked at Asher, she reminded him of the girl he used to play with years ago. The Hannah he knew and loved wasn’t gone. She was just deeply traumatized. Asher hadn’t spent much time wondering what the lives of his sisters were like. “I want to be a better sister,” said Hannah, looking much too serious for a casual conversation, “I’m serious.”

Something was wrong with her. Whatever it was made Asher suspicious. He lay against Rowan, feeling tired, but unwilling to sleep alone. “You’re being weird. Are you sure you’re not dying?”

“Idiot.” It was easy to get under Hannah’s skin. She rolled her eyes dramatically, standing to snatch her phone from the coffee table. “I’m going to work. Don’t have sex in my apartment.”

When the twins were younger, many people stopped them to say they looked alike. Asher supposed this was still true, but most people wouldn’t know they were twins if nobody said so. In the past, Asher was ashamed of his sister. He never thought about the fact that she was likely ashamed of him, too. “Bye, loser,” he said, unable to remember the last time he’d joked around with Hannah. She always took his jokes so seriously, acting as though everything he said was super offensive. Sometimes he thought Hannah had no sense of humour at all. “I love you.” He used to say this to her all the time, when they were kids. It felt strange to say to anyone, even Rowan. As a boy who had never felt loved growing up, Asher had never quite known how to love others.

It was getting very hot. Hannah gaped wordlessly for a moment or two, pretending to be unimpressed. Her eyes gave her away. “I love you too, idiot.” She frowned, punching Asher in the arm on her way out the door.