Chapter Four - Help
The rest of breakfast was a quiet affair as they finished the food on the table. Jade ate more than her fair share, replenishing the energy she spent to make the two rings. She glanced over at the desk, where Jessica left a small tray for her fellacai. Nothing but a few nibbles was left, and she smiled as they contentedly munched on their breakfast too.
“Well, we’d best be off to the gate.” Victor’s voice broke her out of her quiet reverie as he stood up, tidying the table slightly and stacking empty plates. She barely stopped herself from reaching out to help him as the rest of them got up, the twinge in her shoulder warning against the activity.
And she hated it. It brought back memories of not being able to do things for herself in the hospital. Of feeling helpless in the face of overwhelming odds. So she reached out, ignoring the burning pain and the confusion on their faces as she began to slowly, meticulously stack empty plates.
“Jade, what are you doing? Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself.” A clearly distressed Cami tried to grab the plates before she could get to them.
With a small smile that was half a wince, she replied stubbornly, “I’m cleaning up. Babying my shoulder isn’t helping, so maybe activity will.” Being all careful about it hadn’t done anything so far except mitigate some of the pain. She was no closer to an answer on healing it, and her physical body was just fine. Maybe agitating it was just what she needed.
It was a long shot, but the burning ache drove out other thoughts as she doggedly moved. She was NOT helpless. She would never be that powerless again! Fresh determination washed away the vulnerability that preyed on her mind. When the last plate was stacked, she waved her fingers and they disappeared into her ring.
Was her shoulder in agony? Yes. She didn’t care. It just meant she needed to raise her resistor skill higher. It was already sitting at advanced 9, so maybe getting to master would make a difference. Although Empyreal was there already, and didn’t seem to be doing anything. Maybe if she raised it to legendary? The three of them watched her carefully, waiting for the backlash. She managed a tight smile, shoving the pain into a corner of her brain. “I’m fine.” She reiterated stubbornly.
“It’s gonna be a long day.” She was half sure Camille meant to mutter that under her breath, but the girl was also aware she could hear it. Her brothers sent her commiserating looks, and Jade took a deep breath. Their reaction said she was being difficult and stubborn, but in her defense, she…needed to stop justifying her actions. They were trying to help, and taking her frustrations out on them was unfair.
“Be safe at the gates.” The words came out awkwardly as she tried to change the subject, returning it to the boys’ imminent departure. They took the proffered olive branch, each giving her a half hug that avoided her bad shoulder.
“We will. Try to go easy on yourself.” Victor’s voice held a note of pleading as he finished, “We’ll figure this out.”
She nodded, lips pursed in a thin line so she didn’t respond like a brat. Will gave her a strained smile, but then the boys opened the door, waving as they left. Jade slumped back down into her seat at the table, letting her forehead thunk into the wood as she muttered darkly. “I’m making a mess of everything, aren’t I.”
The princess let out a soft sigh as she sat beside her, fingers gently rubbing soothingly along her back as she replied, “No. It’s just been a stressful few…weeks, really. It’s hard to remember sometimes, but you’ve been here for less than a month, and so much has happened. Taking a few days to rest isn’t going to hurt. I’m not sure what’s been driving your manic energy to fix the world, but you’re not alone, and you don’t have to do everything. It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes.”
She could feel the soothing waves of love coming from her little ones as they fluttered over, kissing her skin with the flaps of their delicate wings. She turned so her cheek was against the wood, admiring her fellacai as she sent love back to them.
With a small sigh, she replied halfheartedly, “Logically, I understand that. At first, I just wanted to experience everything. To see the world. I still want that. But then…everything else happened. Monsters, kidnappings, assassinations, and politics. Funerals, dragons, and the Dark One. Sometimes it feels like there’s this clock ticking in my brain screaming there’s not enough time! I have to do everything I can now, because I don’t know what emergency tomorrow will bring. I’m reacting to what the world throws at me instead of being proactive. Then there’s the spiral of guilt. If I was better, stronger, faster…just more. Maybe all those people wouldn’t have died. When I got here, all I wanted was to be a normal girl. But everyone else expects me to be this avatar of the gods, when in reality, I’m just a 17-year-old in way over her head. They want me to save the world when I only learned how to really walk on my own three weeks ago. But I have so many advantages here; shouldn’t they expect more of me? I can do things no one else can, so I feel like I’m obligated to try, even if it scares me to death that I’m going to massively fail and somehow doom everyone.”
All her fears and doubts came flooding out in a disjointed mess. She’d been trying to shove them all into a corner of her mind, pushing them back every time they surfaced, but now she laid them bare on the table. She closed her eyes, trying to hold back the building tears as emotional exhaustion hit. Three weeks ago, all she’d really had to worry about was when she was going to finally give up the ghost. Now, she worried about failing nations. High mental fortitude meant she had kept it together for the most part, but there was a limit to even that.
Camille scooted closer, her hand on Jade’s back rubbing soothing circles. She was quiet for a moment, waiting to see if she had more to add, then responded softly. “First of all, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. I honestly cannot think of a single person who is MORE proactive than you.”
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When Jade opened her mouth to protest, Cami tapped her slightly to silence her. “No, listen to me. Aside from the very obvious improvements that come with all the ideas you brought from your Earth, you spend every day doing your best to get better. Don’t think we haven’t noticed you brushing against every person you can get your hands on.” She paused, then added slowly. “Most of us who are close to you also know you lied about how your ability works when you first talked about it.”
Jade shot upright, mentally apologizing to her little ones as they clung for dear life to her hair. Her voice was hesitant as she asked, “You…know?”
Shrugging, her hand rested warmly on her back as the princess answered, “Maybe not everything, but we’ve figured out that it’s more than just you ‘borrowing.’ It helps the person too. The situation with the dragons kinda confirmed that.”
“Oh.” Her voice was soft, realizing she’d let the cat out of the bag.
Camille’s hands started soothing circles again as she replied, “Don’t worry about it too much. We were bound to find out eventually, and we understand why you didn’t tell us in the first place. I mean…I was there when mom told you about Roger the Kind. You were obviously afraid of a similar situation, and for good reason. I mean, the dragons basically threatened to do exactly that by kidnapping you. So yeah. Not everyone knows and we’re not going to spread it around, but those of us heavily involved are aware that when you borrow…you give a little extra back. Thinking about it that way, how many hundreds of people have you silently strengthened?”
She let that sink in for a moment before adding, “Aside from all of that, which is a LOT already, but maybe you don’t really see that as your personal contributions.” When Jade gave her a confused look, she smiled and said, “Sometimes I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. You think anyone from your world would’ve been able to do the same…but wasn’t Jim the Patient from your world?”
Nodding slowly, she agreed, “From what I can tell, yes. But the difference is that he came from several hundred years earlier than me. Our technology improved a lot in that time, so anyone from the same time as me would’ve been similar…”
Cami interrupted her, “Do you really believe that?” Jade slowly nodded, but the princess was having none of it. “I don’t. Everyone is different. You were brought here because you were what we needed. People have their own specialties. Think about it. First of all, I don’t believe that just anyone can be brought to our world by the Gods. Otherwise, travelers wouldn’t be as rare as they are. I don’t know what the required criteria is, but I do know it’s not just anyone that gets summoned.”
She paused, gathering her thoughts, then went on, “Even among them, you’re unique. And this is my last, most important point. Say we got someone else from your world who knew all the same things as you. The entire reason you were able to pass on so much of your knowledge…is because of the image crystals. Let me remind you that those crystals have been around forever, but we never thought to use them. YOU are the one who could learn so many different magic types, and it’s not like you sit around. You are constantly researching and experimenting.”
Holding up her hand, she pointed at her signet ring and the wooden ring resting on her fingers. “How many magics did you use to make each of these rings? These aren’t ideas you brought from your world, they’re things you created by experimentation and implementation of your own ideas and imagination. Do you think anyone else would have imprinted with your fellacai? Or would they have followed our traditions and sought out a larger companion they thought would assist them in battle? What about your weapon that shoots light? You said it was something that didn’t actually exist, but you made it a reality. You work hard every day to improve, to test the bounds of what is possible.”
Pausing again, she ended softly, “Without any of those things, do you think someone could do what you have? The mesmer aren’t a new thing. We’ve lost so many people to them, but we’ve never recovered anyone from them before. You think that people weren’t taken when the other travelers were around? They never risked their own lives to go into enemy territory and take our people back. Without you, my siblings would be gone. Because you are here, we have a better chance at fighting back than we’ve ever had. What happened in Mianach was horrible, but it wasn’t something done in a day. With or without you, it would have happened. But because you were there, thousands were saved. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve done more than your share to help.”
Breathing in and out softly, Jade let her words sink in and calm the emotions raging through her heart. Finally, she smiled softly at her friend and spoke gratefully, “Thanks. I…needed to hear that.” She was reminded of those daily affirmations people told themselves. I am enough. It also reminded her of the path forward. Just because she didn’t have a solution to everything right now didn’t mean they wouldn’t find one. It took an entire team to restore Kevin’s leg. Maybe she just needed to gather a team to fix her spirit…
That thought made her sigh. What team? The only people she knew who practiced spiritual magic were the queen and that orator. She remembered seeing one of the delegation members having it untapped, but that didn’t help her. That only left…Xuxianara.
“Okay, why are you pulling a long face now?” Camille asked a little helplessly, probably feeling like Jade was ignoring her pep talk again.
Jade rotated her neck, popping it as she replied, “I was just thinking about my injury again. You’re right. I don’t have to do everything alone, but…then I remembered how few spirit magic practitioners there are. Your mom and I already tried. So that leaves the most skilled being I know…as that cranky dragon.”
Letting out another sigh, she went on, “My intuition tells me she could have fixed me in a different way, but chose the most painful, careless one. She hates me that much, all for what? Because I babysat her kids for a few days? Because I didn’t fall at their feet and worship them as a lesser being? It just bothers me so much, knowing that in the end, I feel like I’m not going to figure it out without their help, which will only solidify their pride of being better. But if I refuse to bend…if the price of my pride is putting lives on the line…is it really worth it? You can’t eat pride. Pride won’t fix me.”
Reaching up to massage her temples, she finished morosely, “I just sent them away on not-great terms, and my feelings about Briar are more than a little conflicted. I doubt his mother would help me further without demanding more than I want to give in return, or more than I should give. They’re already powerful enough without me adding fuel to the fire, and I don’t exactly trust them. But I also can’t exactly shake the thought that while I’m not going anywhere, the sooner I treat it properly, the better.”
Nodding slowly, Camille agreed with a soft sigh. “I’ll admit, everyone will feel better once we get you healed up. None of us like seeing you this way. But the dragons…” Her voice trailed off. They stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. Until she asked slowly, “It’s not ideal, but…maybe you can talk to Briar again? After everything that happened, is there any chance he would help?”