Chapter Thirteen - Relationships

Jade paused, trying to gather her thoughts into a coherent process. How did she explain everything that went down? Sighing, she jumped into the middle, and what felt like the core of the problem. “I can’t get rid of the insecurities in my head. The constant what-if’s. He showed up because his siblings absconded through a portal. You heard about how the monsters got into the city. What I may not have explained much is that when I found it, it could still be activated.”

There was a stillness, and Hunter cut in, “But you closed it?” His voice held a note of fear, and she was reminded yet again that she wasn’t the only one dealing with trauma.

Giving him a weak smile, she nodded, “I did. But it kinda came with some unintended consequences.”

“Consequences like what?” Cami asked a little hesitantly. Despite being staunchly in her corner, she supposed they thought she was talking about a dragon, not necessarily the dark one.

Sighing, she stared at the cloud of fellacai drifting from tree to tree as she explained, “Like my mana being implanted with tainted seeds of dark magic. I couldn’t use anything without making it worse.”

“I’m sorry, but what?” The princess looked flabbergasted at the thought. She supposed it wasn’t common knowledge, but to be fair, no one had known it was a thing. The greedy healer hadn’t believed her. She was lucky Stephen hadn’t doubted her and chose to support her without fail.

“Yeah, it was bad, felt like I was dying. The three little dragons I’d picked up the night before tried to tell me it was a bad idea but it was the only way I knew to eliminate the problem. So I kinda absorbed the magic of the gate to make it collapse. So anyway. The point is that I was in bad shape, I couldn’t use magic or have it used on me without causing it to spread, and you know. I was bleeding. Like a lot.”

They looked ready to go to war and demand answers, so she quickly continued, “And that was when Briar arrived. He rushed in like a hero, sort of. He was actually kind of an asshole, but…” And here she gave them a sheepish smile, “After temporarily making it worse by messing with my special ability, he did heal me. And he was…attractive.”

Cami was just giving her a look, and Hunter seemed lost. “So you liked the way he looked?” He asked in confusion.

Sighing, she nodded, then shook her head. “It was more than that. His charisma was off the charts. You know the way people look at me sometimes?” They nodded easily, and she went on, “He was like that for me. I honestly don’t know how much was him emitting this supreme confidence in a form I admire, and how much was his stats messing with my head. But he was the first guy I was really interested in, and I was so excited when he gave me crumbs of affection, a speck of consideration.”

Dropping her head into her hands, she groaned. “Honestly, I feel used. He only showed up because his siblings made bad decisions and he was basically there to clean up their mess. If I hadn’t kept them out of trouble, him going on a killing spree doesn’t actually seem that out of character. But hindsight is 20/20. At the time, I was just overwhelmed by the hero who saved me, and a disproportionate view of dragons that my world romanticized.”

“You think he would’ve just gone around killing people?” Cami looked horrified.

Unfortunately, Jade nodded. “If they didn’t like me and I hadn’t kept them away from other people, absolutely. They’re extremely protective of their own. So in the end, it feels like everything that happened was because I was just…there. I had something he wanted, and he took it. And I’m left here feeling like I was tricked into caring. Offered a glimpse of something more, only to have my misconceptions brutally torn to shreds. To be fair, he did save me, more than once. When I needed space, he helped me get away, providing a safe haven, companionship for the night, and knowledge I needed. And yet… in the end I feel dirty.”

“Why dirty?” Hunter asked, still very confused.

Sighing, she started to tear at the grass she’d grown, plucking the blades in frustration as she answered, “Because it feels like he was looking at me through beer goggles that night, and when he woke up in the morning and his family game around, the lens came off and I was just…human. Less than a bug to squish under foot.”

Trying to understand, he asked, “Does it have to be a dragon? There are so many guys who would love to spend time with you. I can name more than a few who would be ecstatic if you gave them the time of day.”

She winced. “That’s part of the problem. For starters, I feel like most of them don’t actually like me, they’re just pursuing this perception of me they’ve built in their heads. Just like I had the preconception that dragons were these wonderful, majestic beings…they put me on a pedestal too. It’s hard to connect and feel like we’re on the same level when they revere you as some divine avatar. We’re so different. But at the same time, he was my peer. I could talk to him and explore things I never thought of before. It felt like…more. I connected with him in ways I just haven’t with anyone else, only to realize we were still so very different.”

“I would hope so. You’re not going to transform into a dragon, right?” Camille tried to lighten the mood.

Jade let out a weak laugh. “No, but that’s part of the point. He was a freaking dragon. If you asked me two weeks ago, my life goal was to find happiness and help people. He…well, a dragon’s perspective isn’t something I want to contemplate. At the end, I got some insight into how his mind works. It made me realize just how different we were, but unfortunately that doesn’t erase the things we had in common.”

Groaning softly, she leaned back, against the grass, staring at the sky. “I just feel…I don’t know. Logically, my brain says we’re better off trying to be friends. I can maybe figure that out. It won’t be easy because there’s always going to be a voice in my head asking what if. What if we start as friends and actually figure things out? Or what if I had been…more, it would have been enough. If I tried a little harder. Been more understanding, less demanding. But sometimes, no matter how much you want to make it work, it’s just not…right. It takes two to tango, and relationships require reciprocal effort. And just like I hope those guys who like me won’t get angry when I don’t reciprocate, I can’t be mad that we weren’t right for each other. But that doesn’t make losing a budding hope or dream hurt any less.”

Breathing in the scent of fresh flowers, she could practically still feel the warmth of his arms around her. How she felt safe, cared for, and protected. Connected. It took less than 24 hours for that to be ripped away, a mere memory not to be repeated instead of a future path. It was like a rug got ripped out from beneath her right when she found a security blanket.

She’d never intended to jump into anything that fast, but it had felt right. The circumstances led her to act in ways she normally wouldn’t, carried away in the heat of the moment and the illusion she wasn’t facing down the darkness of the world alone. That there was someone unconditionally on her side. Which maybe was foolish to expect of him, but weren’t the two in front of her providing that, albeit in a different way?

Shaking her head, she smiled at them as she went on, “In the end, he’ll still be a dragon, and I’ll just be me: a dreamer who is way too self-conscious about this whole situation. A guy I only met for a few days isn’t going to break me, but I won’t deny it left an impact.” Glancing down, her fingers touched the mirrors, seeing her tired face reflected back at her.

“Relationships can just…suck. Coming here, it felt like I was the protagonist of the world. In books, everything revolves around them. But I guess mine isn’t a romantic story or a fairytale. There’s no love at first sight for me. Instead…life is messy, and no one is perfect. I’m about as far away from that as you can get. I mean, I’ve only really lived for three weeks. That’s so short in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like ages. One day, I hope I’ll find someone that I want to go through every messy bit of life with. But for now…I may just be messed up for a while until my next distraction comes along. It’s not like I don’t have plenty of those.”

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Closing her eyes, she grumbled softly, “I feel like our expectations were just too different going in. Dragons nature is to cuddle in a puppy pile, and I know now that it means nothing beyond a momentary comfort. I…have too many emotions attached. That’s not completely his fault. I wasn’t in my right mind so I didn’t communicate clearly. So my brain keeps telling me to take the comfort as just that, and move forward. Move on. That dwelling on it like this is only giving him more power over me. And if his face haunts my memories, well, time will fix that and I’ll start to forget.”

Reaching into her ring, she pulled out a crystal, imprinting everything onto it. A primer for dragons in general, and the habits and interests of these ones in particular, down to their sigils. She might want to forget, but it didn’t mean she shouldn’t leave a record.

“There. I’ll just treat it as transferring the information out. Cut and paste.” They didn’t know what she was talking about, but that was okay. There was no need to torture herself pining over him. As the movies said, a fish could love a bird, but where would they live? No. It wasn’t love. Nothing more than a momentary crush that, if not deleted entirely, would be banished to the depths of her mind, left to rot in a dark, abandoned corner until it vanished entirely. She hadn’t even addressed the long distance, which would have made things harder. Now it gave her space away from her anger and angst. Hopefully.

Tapping the mirror she knew belonged to the dragons, she shoved it back into her mirror as she grumbled, “But if all that wasn’t bad enough, they added insult to injury. That old witch is probably the person best suited to help and advise me with my injury. She could have fixed me in a different way, but chose the most painful one.”

Letting out a low, harsh laugh, she expounded, “You know, Eamonn told me anyone who touches the kids dies a horrible death. They assured me that their marks would prevent that, so maybe this was her punishment for me. How dare I watch her kids and not fall down to worship them as a lesser being? How could I fathom saying no to their every wish and whim? I hate that I feel like I might not figure it out without their help. Sure, I’ve got a new idea now, but if that doesn’t work? I’ve considered calling for help a dozen times today, faced with the knowledge that it will just solidify their stupid pride. Then again…if I don’t bend, and the price is putting lives on the line, is it worth it to give up the chance of getting better?”

Her silence was bitter. They had listened to her rant, letting her vent out all her emotions, but Hunter tried to be positive, “For now, don’t worry about it. You do have another option to try, so let’s just figure out how to make that work.”

“Right.” She wanted to be positive, and tried to remind herself that the sunk cost fallacy was just that–a fallacy. Just because she was so invested in the dragons didn’t mean she had to treat them as the only option. Instead, she needed to remember the Japanese proverb: ‘If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station. The longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.’ It was better to turn back and find the correct path early than wander further into the woods and end up lost.

Camille squeezed her hand as she said encouragingly, “Honestly, in the end it’s his loss. You’re amazing. But Hunter has a point. You’re always happiest when you’re experimenting with new things anyway.” She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t deny she got massive dopamine boosts whenever she figured out how to do something she’d only dreamed about on Earth.

“All right, all right, I’ll call Lochlann.” She raised her hand in acquiescence.

“Prince Lochlann” Cami automatically corrected her with a look that said ‘you know better and you promised.’

“Yeah, yeah.” She stuck her tongue out, waiting for Camille to reply ‘Yes!’ Unfortunately, there was no bantering movie quote in return, and she was reminded yet again that she wanted to introduce them to Earth's entertainment so she wouldn’t just be holding conversations entirely in unknown quotes by herself.

“Anyway. Let’s call the prince who’s totally not trying to brainwash people. There is no war in Ba Sing Se.” They ignored her nonsensical mutterings, satisfied that she’d stretched her mana in the mirrors to hunt for Lochlann. She felt the answering tug from one of them, and the rest vanished into her ring as she realized she didn’t need them. Picking up the last one, she aimed it at her and Cami as she waited for him to answer.

“Just answer it and we’ll know.” The voice came from the other side, and Jade couldn’t help but smirk as they caught the ongoing conversation of someone who didn’t know she could already hear them.

“Sure, easy for you to say, you’re not the one who…hello there, Duchess Jade.” Lochlann seemed to finally realize he’d already answered the call as he caught sight of her amused glance.

“Prince Lochlann. Hopefully I’m not interrupting anything too important.” She smiled politely, trying to make sure she wasn’t smirking at catching him flat-footed.

“I’ve always got time for you. What can I help you with?” He recovered completely and went into diplomatic mode, which was less fun but practical for her purposes.

Getting straight to the point, she said, “I’ve developed an interest in alchemy. Everyone tells me your people are the experts.” She gave him a wry smile, leaving out that she’d seen him try to use it to their advantage. He let out a deep breath as she continued, “I was hoping someone from your delegation would be able to spare me some time to go over how it’s currently used.”

That made him pause. He’d opened his mouth to start answering when she let that slip. Giving her a considering look, he asked, “You have ideas on how to improve it?”

Shrugging, she replied, “I’ve got a few theories to try, but I want to see what’s normal first and go from there. But hey, I know you guys probably don’t normally teach outsiders like me, so if I’m asking too much, forget it. I’m sure I can find an adequate teacher here.”

“No!” The strangled cry came from the mirror, and she could tell whoever was by Lochlann had reacted instinctively.

He gave them a look before trying to smile nonchalantly and failing. He practically oozed interest. “No, that’s quite all right. We would be happy to teach you what we know and help with your experiments.”

She almost snorted as he threw that in there, but didn’t mind too much. Relationships should, as she was thinking earlier, be mutually beneficial. Plus, there was at least one theory that she figured would be her most powerful that she was positive they wouldn’t be able to replicate, so it didn’t matter if they learned about it. After all, creation magic was usually exclusive to dragons.

Well, maybe not to just them. She imagined if werewolves or something similar existed here, they might have traces too, but given that she hadn’t heard of anything like that… Just because the thriving omegaverse of romance readers had contrived shifters of all types didn’t mean it was all true. She really had read too many novels. Come to think of it, that might have been part of the problem with Briar. Real people had a hard time comparing to book boyfriends.

Realizing she’d started spacing out again when Cami nudged her, she smiled and nodded. “That would be lovely. I’d like to get a start on it sometime today if possible.”

She could see as he pulled out a pocketwatch to check the time, and realized she honestly had no clue when it was. The sun wasn’t directly overhead, but the walls kinda blocked out where it was. Nodding, he said, “We should be able to finish setting up the alchemy room by this afternoon. Would you care to join us for lunch first?”

Jade glanced at Cami, who shrugged in response, indicating that it was up to her. Looking at Hunter, his expression likewise indicated that he was fine with whatever. Flicking out her own watch, she checked and saw it was just before eleven.

Thinking, she replied, “Maybe a later lunch, then? Around one? That’ll give me some time to wrap up my current project.” She’d only grown four trees so far, but if she actually focused instead of moping, she was pretty sure she could get most of them done. She could always come back, but she didn’t like leaving it half finished.

“That’s great. We’ll plan on that.” He paused, seeing Camille with her as he asked, “I assume the princess will be coming with you and can guide you to our location?”

Smiling a bit apologetically, she said, “At least three of us. Likely five, if that’s all right.” She wouldn’t be surprised if Tisha and Hayden showed up soon. It was actually stranger that they hadn’t already popped in. She had asked if it was okay, but she was more informing him, and he seemed to realize that.

“Not a problem. We’ll have plenty prepared.” When she didn’t interrupt, he nodded and said, “Then I’ll let you go so I can inform my staff to prepare.”

“Sounds good. We’ll see you soon.” He nodded and they cut the call. Sighing, she flicked the mirror back into her ring as she twisted, trying to stretch her muscles as she looked at the two of them. “Seems like I need to speed up. Should we check on your siblings and see if they got lost somewhere?”

Scoffing, Hunter snorted, “If trouble comes, it comes. But you don’t invite it.” She just raised a brow, looking at the playful little Eris. He turned to block her as he grinned. “She’s different.”

“Obviously.” She replied in laughing sarcasm as she used a bit of wind to pull herself to her feet without accidentally straining her shoulder. She started pulling the sunlight in around her hand as she moved to the next hole. She had work to do before working on furthering her diplomatic relationships.