The days in Madrid had flown by in the blink of an eye. As I stepped off the ferry, back in Pierowall again, a wave of emotions washed over me. It was like coming home, even though it had never really been my home. Yet, I felt more connected to this island than to my own hometown. If it weren't for the cold and dampness, Pierowall could be a wonderful place to put down roots. Suddenly, Erik's voice pulled me out of my reverie.
"I've been thinking... if you want to, you can stay with me," he said, with a shyness that contrasted with his usual confidence.
"With you?" I asked, surprised.
"Yes, at the lighthouse. You know, we've been sleeping together for the past few days and I really like having you around. You make the days less... boring," he said as he switched his shoulder bag and headed towards his car, parked in front of the harbor.
"You mean live together?" I wanted to confirm, taking in his proposal.
"Yes. It's silly for you to pay rent when you could save that money." We reached the car and he put the bag in the trunk.
His words caught me off guard. The idea of living with Erik, of sharing with him not only physical space but also the intimacy of everyday life, awakened in me a mixture of nervousness and excitement. The connection I had felt from the first moment I saw him grew stronger every day, and now, with this proposal, the possibility of exploring it fully opened up before me.
However, a part of me hesitated. Was I ready to take this step? Was it really what I wanted? The questions swirled in my mind as I watched Erik close the trunk and look at me with an expectant expression in his eyes.
"If you're uncomfortable, just tell me no," he said softly.
"That's not it. I'm not uncomfortable with you, Erik," I tried to answer, searching for the right words to express what I was feeling. If it was already difficult for me to express my emotions, doing it in that moment was even harder.
"Too fast?" he asked, and I nodded.
It might seem silly, because we had really been together all day for the last few days and everything had been fine. I liked sleeping with him and knowing he was there, but that part of freedom I had, I was reluctant to let go of so soon.
Erik tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my nose.
"It's okay, don't worry. I understand," he said with a warm smile. "Step by step." He kissed me on the tip of the nose and we got into the car.
He drove straight to my house and dropped off the bag with my clothes, along with his. We had decided to only take one each as it was going to be a short trip and there was no need for two suitcases. As I entered, silence greeted me. I hadn't slept there alone since the incident with Oliver and that was over a week ago. I took a deep breath as Erik put the bag on the bed so I could take out my clothes.
“Fancy dinner together tonight?” I asked, entering the room after him.
“Of course,” he replied with a smile. “Do you need me to buy anything? I guess the fridge will be empty.”
With him, everything was so simple, just as I had talked to my mother about. He wasn't an emotional roller coaster, but a haven of stability and security, far from the uncontrollable falls that plunged me into fear.
“Don't worry, I'll go. I was planning on taking a walk,” I admitted.
“If you need to buy something heavy, leave it there and I'll pass by before I come, so you don't have to carry it,” he said with a smile, sitting at the foot of the bed while he took out my clothes.
“Why?” I asked, looking at the half-empty suitcase.
“Because it's silly for you to carry something heavy when I can do it,” he explained naturally.
“I'm not talking about that,” I denied. “Why do you make everything so easy?” I looked him in the eyes.
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Erik looked at me bewildered, as if he didn't understand my question or what I expected as an answer. I let the air out slowly, put the bag aside, and sat down next to him.
“I don't understand,” he finally said. “Why should it be difficult?” he asked, taking my hand and squeezing it gently.
“I don't know,” I lamented. “Life isn't that simple.”
I lived with the constant feeling that I would wake up from that dream at any moment and return to the nightmare of my daily life, plagued by dramas and arguments. It was as if I was waiting for Erik to take off his mask and suddenly start yelling at me and reproaching me for everything.
“Life isn't complicated,” he replied. “It's us who complicate it, and I... I don't like to complicate things,” he shrugged. “What are you afraid of?” his thumb caressed the back of my hand.
A bitter taste ran down my throat as I felt a knot forming. My heart began to pound and my body went into that state of alert that I knew so well. Fear, yes, but an unfounded fear, without a real reason. However, my body reacted in that way, without me being able to control it.
“Falling back into the same pattern,” I finally said, letting the words out with difficulty.
“Do you think if we spend more time together I’ll become your ex?” Erik asked, searching for my gaze. I shook my head.
“Not exactly,” I looked into his eyes. “It's the feeling of... suffocation,” I brought my hand to my throat. Erik gently stroked my back, nodding in understanding.
“It's been many years with him, Andy,” he said as he hugged me. “It's normal that you feel this way.”
I hugged him back, grateful that he understood my situation without taking it as a rejection or a sign that I didn't want to be with him. My anxiety didn't have to become a reason for an argument.
“I would like to feel different,” I admitted sincerely.
“And I wish you didn't feel this way,” he replied. “But we're a team and there's no rush. The only thing I want is for you to be okay,” he met my gaze again and a smile spread across his lips. “You're going to be my wife at some point, I'm in no hurry,” he said jokingly, managing to get a smile out of me too.
“Why are you so sure I'm going to marry you?” I asked, amused by his joke.
“I just know,” he replied with conviction.
His eyes were like the anchor I needed in the middle of the storm. I reached out and caressed his face, leaning in to kiss him. This is how I should have always felt: safe, stable, and loved. Without the constant expectation that everything would collapse into a storm of pain and suffering.
“Plus, you have a book to write, and if I was around you all the time, I wouldn't let you work,” he said with a mischievous smile, lowering his lips to my neck. “I would spend all my time kissing you and you wouldn't be able to concentrate.”
“True,” I sighed, closing my eyes with a smile on my lips. I felt the knot of anxiety unraveling inside me.
“So, I'll have to wait until you finish writing the book to try again,” he said playfully.
I chuckled, enjoying the lightness of the moment. In that instant, I knew I had found a safe haven, a place where I could be myself without fear of hurting or being hurt. The calm had come after the storm, and for the first time in a long time.
His forehead joined mine in a tender gesture, and his thumbs stroked my cheeks delicately. I nodded, surrendering to his touch, and kissed him softly.
“Don't forget we have a trip pending,” I reminded him, with a shy smile peeking out from my lips.
“Then get writing already,” he urged me, sliding his fingers through my hair and stroking my head lovingly.
“But I don't know what to write about,” I complained, rubbing my nose against his.
“Write about yourself,” he whispered in a deep voice. “Share your experience, your struggle, your rebirth. Let your words serve as a beacon for those who find themselves in the darkness, believing they live in a normal reality when they are actually trapped in a cage of pain.”
My big mistake with Oliver had been not knowing that there were other options, that love didn't have to be synonymous with suffering. I had accepted my reality as the only valid one, without realizing that I was living in a hell disguised as love.
“Help them find their own Erik?” I asked, a smile spreading across my lips as I watched his eyes sparkle with complicity.
“Am I going to be your muse?” he purred, bringing his nose close to the side of my ear. “In that case, I'll have to be a great example,” he added with a mischievous tone, gently biting my earlobe.
I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, where a spark of mischief twinkled.
“And that's why I can't live with you,” I declared playfully, pointing to his crotch. He looked down and then back at me with complicity.
“You're right, but it's your fault for being so irresistible,” he defended himself, standing up and adjusting his pants. “I'm leaving you to let your creativity flow, writer. Then let me know if you need me to bring you something heavy from the store,” he winked before leaning in to kiss me and pick up his bag of clothes.
“See you later, muse.”
“I'll miss you,” he said, placing one last kiss on my lips before leaving.
I fell back onto the bed, a smile on my face. There was no doubt that all women needed an Erik in their lives.