Chapter 40 – In which some questions cannot be answered

Who are you?

‘Here it comes…’

Saffra already expected that question.

She wasn’t particularly hiding the change about her from those whom she deemed trustworthy.

In front of that fucker, Orche, she was a docile and weak girl like before.

But in front of her ladies-in-waiting and Mimosa, she didn’t hide anything.

She just didn’t say.

But it was obvious that one day she would face that question and would have to answer it.

Mimosa said she doesn’t have to answer it , but it would badly reflect on their relationship later and slowly strangle the trust between them.

So she was prepared to answer this question to some extent.

And yet, the moment it left Mimosa’s mouth, Saffra felt as if she was electrocuted.

Her muscles tensed, the sound of her heartbeat rang in her ears and beads of sweat flowed down her back.

Saffra was a swordmaster.

Even if she no longer had the physical capabilities to match that, her intune to her body and its reaction remained the same.

After a week of testing, Saffra knew this body very well.

So when the first symptoms of panic attack appeared, she was able to grasp them quickly and control them, so nothing showed outside.

She closed her eyes and sat in silence for a moment, taking in measured breaths.

After a minute or so, she opened her eyes again and said:

“Frankly speaking, I’m not exactly sure.”

She had memories of Saffaron, the ruler of the Yellow Sword Throne.

She also had memories of Saffra, the youngest daughter of the current Yellow Throne ruler.

Which one of them was she?

Was she Saffaron who took over Saffra’s body somehow? Then what happened to Saffra? To her soul?

Or maybe she was Saffra, who somehow received memories of Saffaron?

She, whoever ‘she’ was, couldn’t tell.

But the feeling of responsibility she felt for the country of the Luminere as Saffaron and the desire for freedom and love for her sister and ladies-in-waiting as Saffra were both real.

So she decided to be both.

Both Saffaron and Saffra.

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Maybe… if she ever had a chance to meet her brother, Am, he would be able to tell her.

But until then, she would take everything.

That was the decision she made when she woke up with Saffaron’s memories a week ago.

“I have memories. Memories of a different life, of a life that already ended, of a time that already ended. But I also have memories of Saffra, the child who grew up with you and looked up to you.”

Somehow, it was funny to say.

Saffra looked up to Mimosa, but Mimosa looked up to Saffaron.

“I don’t feel like a different person, I kind of feel like I’m both of them. So it’s really hard for me to answer your question. I’m sorry.”

She paused, not really knowing how to continue.

“... You don’t have to be sorry. I get it. A part of it at least.”

Mimosa took this chance to speak.

She spoke very carefully, not looking at Saffra.

Saffra also wasn’t looking at her.

Both of them found this situation awkward.

“... I kind of… Already suspected it? Not the memories of the entire life lived as a different person exactly, but I knew that something changed… You weren’t exactly hiding it.”

“I wasn’t. I didn’t want to lie to you, but also didn’t know how to start this conversation.”

“Right… I suppose we’re similar in that regard…”

Mimosa wasn’t exactly hiding her vampirism from Saffra either.

She threw some little clues sometimes, like mentioning ‘smelling a lot of blood’, but Saffra never showed any reaction to it, so Mimosa believed that Saffra was completely unaware of her vampirism and had a hard time bringing up the topic.

Similar to Saffra, Mimosa explained what ‘gave Saffra away’.

“... Your eating habits have changed. You’ve never used so much salt before.”

“Yeah… that’s something related to the previous life.”

“Then I noticed you became more proactive. You never asked about my work before. And if it was before, if your lady-in-waiting was accused of a murder, the last thing I would expect you to do was to go visit the crime scene.”

Mimosa shook her head in exasperation.

“You also had knowledge and expertise you didn’t have before. Be it political affairs and schemes or the ritual you did over that girl's dead body to conclude that her soul was destroyed. None of those things was something that Saffra I knew could do. And they weren’t things that could be achieved in a few weeks when I didn’t see you.”

Saffra nodded.

And Mimosa continued:

“But you’re also still my Saffra. If I wasn’t hundred percent certain of that, we wouldn’t have this conversation here.”

“It would be in a dungeon, full of weirdly sharp tools, correct?”

Mimosa didn’t confirm, but she also didn’t deny it.

“So I knew that you gained some kind of enlightenment. I just didn’t know what exactly it was and how it happened.”

“I’m afraid I also don’t know the answers to that.”

“Maybe you have a special bloodline like me?”

Saffra shook her head with a frown.

“I don’t think so… Wouldn’t Orche also experience something similar then?”

While Mimosa was Saffra’s half-sister on father’s side, Orche shared both his parents with Saffra.

They were both born from the same mother, though the birth of Saffra was unexpected and had very complex circumstances surrounding it.

At the time of Saffra’s birth, her mother was already living in isolation and was said to be half-crazy.

Almost no one met her.

So when Saffra was revealed, everyone was very surprised.

But what was more surprising, Saffra’s mother kept denying that Saffra was her child.

Saffra had to be separated from her when she tried to kill her.

Some time after Saffra’s birth, her mother died from a medication overdose.

It was concluded to be a suicide.

There were some strange concerns about her origins, but Saffra didn’t think she had some sort of special bloodline flowing in her veins.

In fact, if she had to look for the culprit for that entire situation with a sudden memory inheritance, it would be Saffaron.

There was no denying that her and her siblings had some weird things about them, but all three silently agreed to never talk about it.

“... You may not really be…”

Mimosa frowned and then stopped talking, shaking her head.

“Nevermind that. When did it happen?”

“A week ago. I just woke up with them.”

“I see… You adjusted very quickly.”

“The previous life had some experiences that needed her to adjust quickly.”

“... You don’t seem to be willing to tell me who you were during that ‘previous life’.”

It was because it was complicated.

And she was afraid what would happen if Mimosa learned that she was Saffaron.

Yep.

Just thinking about possible scenarios made her shiver.

But there were also other reasons.

“It might be dangerous. I’m not exactly sure right now, but it's best that no one knows who I was in the previous life. Not right now, at least. Me sharing with you the information that I have memories of it already feels very risky.”

“I see. Thank you for trusting me with this then. I promise to keep that information a secret.”

“Thank you.”

The two sisters finally looked at each other and smiled.

A strong feeling of relief washed over both of them.