Insanity pulsed on the edges of my mind. It became a cunning invader seeking any weakness in the iron wall I had built around my mind. My focus deteriorated to one thought, one desire: to find a solution. To find retribution. To prevent this from ever happening again. It helped to push myself towards that destination I had locked in my mind; it distracted me from the insanity. I knew that if I allowed those feelings in, I would curl up into a ball on the street. I would be senseless enough to start self-punishing by slamming my head against the cobblestone. With no one else loitering in the arrondissements closest to the castle, I had a good chance of caving my skull in. Survival instincts kicked in, and I pushed myself harder. I forced my body to go faster.
My breaths were gasps; it seemed as if I could never get enough oxygen inside of me. My blood rushed through my body quickly enough that my skin heated to an uncomfortable temperature. I developed tunnel vision as I raced through the streets and over the bridges connecting the different rings of the city. The incline to the top ceased to matter, like the steps on the bridges. I was faintly aware of the tinges of pain in my knees, the burning in my calves, and the stitch in my side. When I rushed through the gates and passed the on-duty soldiers guarding the castle's entry gates, I didn’t spare them a second glance. I raced through the courtyard and then hurled through the castle's entrance. It was all I could do to keep the insanity at bay.
My feet carried me to Sebastien's office. His office doors were shut in the shadowy hallway in the early morning hours, and I was certain Sebastien wasn't in his office. It was too early; any sane person would be in his bed right now. Regardless, I banged on his office door, frantic and desperate. It was the only thing I could think of doing, and if Sebastien didn't keep early office hours, I would continue to slam my fist into his door until he arrived. It didn't matter: I would break every bone in my hand if it took that long. I would not move until I spoke to him. I couldn't return to my apartment alone. I couldn't be alone with my distress and demons.
I didn't have to go to those extremes. The door opened just as my fist descended an eleventh time. The sudden lack of surface to catch my forceful strike threw me off balance and I swayed forward on my toes until I could find equilibrium again. My arm hung awkwardly at my side. My knees buckled, and through some willpower, I remained upright. Perplexed, Sebastien stood in front of me, holding the door open. He was dressed in gray slacks and a pressed shirt. His tidy appearance made me feel more deranged. Before he could inquire why I was at his door at such an odd hour, I interrupted him. "I want you to place a rasa stone in me again," I blurted out in a single breath. "I want you to restrict my magic."
Sebastien's mouth opened and then shut again after he reconsidered what he was going to say. Whatever he saw on my face was enough to convince him. He glanced over his shoulder. "Come in, Briara.”
The invitation was all I needed. I was too blinded by my fear to wait for him to move fully out of the way, and I squeezed in between Sebastien and the doorframe. Sebastien turned to face the wall. An erion was against it. The upper portion of a man could be seen in the frame. With his tanned complexion and darker hair, he looked to be of Hispanic origin. He looked somewhat familiar. Two red, white, and blue flags, each hosting a single star, were posted behind him. It was daytime wherever he was, and light was pouring through the windows behind him. The entire erion was a picture of brightness compared to the darkness in Sebastien's office. The moon was only just descending into Astraera's horizon, while colors started to remove the night sky’s darkness. Did Sebastien get up early to have a meeting with this man? I wondered. I stood behind Sebastien awkwardly. "Rafael, I hate to do this to you, but I have to end this meeting a bit early. I'll have Milo coordinate our next one."
Rafael was squinting into his camera. "Sebastien, is that the girl everyone is trying to find?"
"Goodbye, Rafael." Sebastien lazily waved a hand in front of the erion. It disappeared and Sebastien turned around with a sigh. "I can't say I'm not appreciative that you interrupted my meeting," he said. "It was getting tedious trying to explain everything to him for a ninth time. It was like he was drunk or something."
His words just floated over me. Meaningless, they could not penetrate the pool of madness surrounding me. "I need you to help me," I pleaded. I was still out of breath, and my voice came out in a croak. A strange tingling danced on my arms; beyond that, I was numb. It took an enormous amount of effort to keep my emotion in check.
"You said something about restricting your power and installing a rasa stone in you again?" The frown on his face became deeper. I waited for him to say the words that I desired to hear: that he could have the procedure done immediately, that he thought it was best. "Briara, you just started your lessons with Leander a couple of days ago. Isn't this request a bit premature?" he inquired.
"It happened again." My shame kept my volume at a whisper. I couldn't believe I was standing here before the mage chancellor and admitting this. His judgment was going to ruin me; I had destroyed any belief he had in me. I found it difficult to breathe. I brought my arms up so that my forearms could cover my face. My fingers dug into my hair, which was already disheveled from the night's activity. The evening that I didn't even deserve. I deserved to be in a jail cell, awaiting execution. I should have turned myself in, like Kyrian had suggested. I should have remained out there and slammed my head against the ground. I should have...
"What happened?" Sebastien's tone was cautious. He didn't even try to approach to comfort me.
I took a deep inhale before I screeched, "I hurt people again." My entire body was shaking. I dug my fingers deeper into my hair and pressed down against my skull. My screeching didn't stop there. "There was another attack in Berlin. I killed people again! I don't know how I got to Berlin in the first place, and I remember nothing. I just remember not being able to produce a spark of magic in Professor Leander's classroom, and then I just went out there and released a level five earthquake in Berlin! I need help. Someone needs to put me in a cage and never let me out again. I need the rasa stone inside of me again. I don't want to keep hurting people! I want it all to STOP! I can't take this anymore! I don't want the magic if all I'm going to do is hurt people!"
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Sebastien's firm hand landed on my forearm. "Come." His grip didn't accept any refusal except to follow him to a chair. "Sit." His hand pressed down against my shoulder. I felt my knees buckle underneath the pressure. Sebastien kept his hand clamped down on my shoulder. Fearfully, I stared up at him through my splayed fingers. He stared down at me with an expressionless mien. I waited for the execution blow. As the seconds flew past, I realized Sebastien would not do what I desired. A synthetic calmness was flowing into me from his palm. My breathing became more regular. My shoulders and back relaxed further into the chair. My lips stopped trembling. That synthetic calmness annihilated the brewing panic storm and the pressing insanity.
When I felt emotionally numb, Sebastien released my shoulder. He dragged another chair closer to sit down across from me. I waited for him to initiate the conversation. "I was hoping you wouldn't find out about the Berlin Massacre, as the media has taken to calling it," Sebastian sighed. Dumbfounded, I stared at him. "Yes, I know about it," he said. "I heard about it hours after it happened."
"And you didn’t think to lock me up immediately afterwards?" I couldn’t help the accusing notes in my voice. It was kept at an even volume due to the synthetic serenity flowing through my veins.
Sebastien steepled his hands and set his head on their foundation. His big ruby ring glistened like wet blood in the darkness. The solemnness reflected in his gaze frightened me. "Tell me two things, Briara,” he requested. "One, do you remember anything from the Berlin Massacre, and two, what good will it be doing for you if we did place a rasa stone in you or lock you up again?"
"No, I don't remember anything." I murmured. "That’s why I’m so scared right now."
"What are you afraid of?"
My hands wrapped around each other in my lap. "I'm afraid of blacking out again and doing it over and over again. I can't take the humiliation of it, Sebastien. I can't carry all this remorse," I half-sobbed. "I should be locked up again. Someone should chop off my head before I can do it again."
"We are not fans of the guillotine here," Sebastien attempted to joke. When I didn't laugh, he said, "I really don't want you to give up."
"Those people lost their lives because of me." I felt like I should be shrieking. The synthetic serenity prevented that. "If I hadn't seen the news broadcast in the ice cream parlor tonight, I wouldn't have even known about Berlin."
"Ice cream parlor?"
"Macaila and Cassiah took me there tonight," I sighed.
Sebastien looked impressed. "When I assigned you to befriend them, I didn't think it would happen this quickly."
"We'll see if they want to be friends after tonight. They may have seen the footage, too. They were behind me, and Macaila followed me inside. You should just hand me back to the mortals so that they can lock me up again pending my electrocution and I don't have to hurt anyone else." I slumped in my seat. My gaze drifted back down to my shoes. I felt Sebastien's gaze on my face, searching. When he said nothing, I added, "I feel like I'm going insane. I feel incompetent, and that at this age, I should have absolute control over my abilities. Instead, I've just turned into a machine. What does that say about me? When my abilities overwhelm me to the point that I'm no longer in control of myself? That my instincts are immediately geared towards violence?"
"We haven't had a mage who waited so long to train in her magic before," Sebastien replied. He leaned over his knees to decrease the distance between us. "I wish I could say that what you're going through is common, but honestly, there is not a precedent for this. We don't know what happens in your situation. The rasa is extremely taboo, and quite honestly, I am a huge proponent of solving the problem correctly, and not smothering duct tape over it. I know you are deathly afraid of killing more people, and if you weren't, then I would be reconsidering whether you should be training. I don't want you to give up just yet. Professor Leander is an expert, a master at what he does. I want you to believe in him as much as I want you to believe in yourself. You see him this afternoon, right?"
I nodded. My apprehension made me mute.
Sebastien's eyes flicked to his watch to check the time. "You've been out all night and you have a lesson this morning?"
"We lost track of time," I muttered with a half shrug. It was the truth. I had enjoyed Cass and Macaila's company so much that I didn't want to do the responsible thing and return to the castle at a respectable hour. That pit in my stomach fluttered. After they saw what I had done yesterday, I was doubtful they wanted to be friends. After all, they were children of rumored Resistance members; they were against oppression.
"I can't say I condone that, but I understand." Sebastien paused. "I want you to give Professor Leander another shot. I believe you could be an asset to this entire universe once you have control of your power. You can aid those in need. If you want to view it as retribution for all those times your power annihilated, so be it. Though you are doing yourself a disservice if you give up," Sebastien lectured sternly. I nodded; it seemed as if I couldn't do anything else. "You have a good heart in you, Briara. You want to know how I know that after only knowing you for a couple of days? You feel remorse for something you can't even be proven to have the mens reas for. I know what those idiotic mortals did and how a jury of twelve convicted you, although you were never in the right state of mind during the first massacre. Even after all that, you're going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. We'll get through this together. I'll be at your side through it all." Sebastien spoke with so much conviction that I believed him. He patted my knee. "You should go and get as much sleep as you can before your lesson," Sebastien suggested.
As I was standing up and departing from his office, suddenly fatigued, Sebastien called my name. I paused and looked over my shoulder. His eyes were dark, and I could barely see the whites of his eyes from across the room. "The element you used in the Berlin Massacre was mica. I would suggest you focus on that during your lesson this afternoon."
I gave him one last nod before disappearing to catch a nap before the Magical Theory class.