I had circumvented gravity's control. It could no longer keep my feet planted on the ground. I was levitating far above the earth's crust. Architecturally creative skyscrapers lingered below me. There were people staring out of the skyscrapers' windows, fear present in every cell of their bodies, contorting their expressions into gruesome horror. They were too stunned to run away, hoping that the buildings they were in protected them from the fate of their peers. The buildings wouldn't. I planned on ripping out the buildings' roots and levitating the entire structures with me. Until I let gravity win, have its control again. Then… smash.

I gazed around me. Against the sunset, I was the only serene soul in the sky in a sea of mortals. They had been going about their day, perhaps returning home for dinner, or heading to the bar to meet up with friends, when I severed the ties they had securing them to the ground. Now, they were flailing around me, as if they wanted to get down. Their frightful screams ruined the peaceful twilight. It was becoming quite annoying. I tried to block out their screaming and flailing limbs as I appreciated the scenery. The China Zun was the tallest building in sight, and I used its roof for guidance as to how high up I wanted to be. I could still see the Temple of Heaven and CCTV Headquarters. The Tonghui River glistened in the light of the sinking sun.

A piercing shriek shattered the momentary serenity of the scene. Glaring, I found the woman who was emitting the noise. She was hovering over the river, thrashing in the air as if she was fighting an invisible monster. Irritated, I considered her. Her behavior was becoming too irksome. I had planned to keep the pedestrians longer, at least until the first signs of the military's arrival. The downpour of unexplained ashes had already started. The pedestrians were becoming too irksome.

With a thought, I released my hold on the pedestrians.

And let them fall.

* * *

With a suffocating gasp, I sat up in the bed. My hands planted on the bed to add stability as I panted through my rough and erratic heartbeats. My skin was flushed. Despite it being the first day of winter and still in the early morning, it was uncomfortably warm. My arms were trembling as they helped stabilize me. I felt weak and fatigued. My mouth had an ashy taste to it, as if I had just smoked a cigar the previous night.

A light snore alerted me there was someone else in the room. Jay was sprawled out on the other side of the bed. Before he had crawled in, he had removed all his clothing except his boxers. His uniform had been haphazardly deposited on a chair along with his weapons. I realized I wasn't certain of when he had appeared. Searching my memories, the last thing I could remember was the last ennui-inducing lesson I had had with Leander. He had wanted to squeeze one in before the Academia went on winter break.

Well, second to last thing I remembered.

The first was levitating over Beijing.

My stomach lurched with nausea. I felt the surge of bile up through my throat. I made it to my bathroom on trembling legs before the contents erupted through my mouth. After I had expelled the bile, I stumbled over to the sink. My hands gripped its rim. If I hadn't, then I would have collapsed to the ground.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A gaunt, fear-stricken face stared back at me. There was a dark smudge above my left eyebrow. Dirt, or maybe ashes, I thought. My collarbones poked out of my blouse. My hair was in shambles around my face. With a shaky arm, I brought my fingers to my scalp and massaged it. Already knowing what I would see on my fingertips, I still brought my hand up for inspection. Black, ashy smudges rested on my finger pads and underneath my nails. I released a sob.

Murderer, my mind shouted at me. My eyes fell to the sink, unable to stare at my reflection any longer. Monster.

This time, my arms and legs were not strong enough to hold me up, and I collapsed onto the bathroom tile. I landed on my side and curled into a ball. I tried to bring my knees up as high as they could go into my chest. My sobs wrecked my chest. I could barely breathe. I didn't need to go to the erion in the other room to confirm what I already knew. It wasn’t just a nightmare, like I wanted it to be. Yesterday, I had appeared in Beijing and added more victims to my name. There was an unrelenting bloodlust in me. How many more would be killed until I could master my magic? Were their lives worth less than mine?

I already knew the answer to that.

Another eruption of acid forced me onto my hands and knees, my fingers clutching the bathmat underneath me. I hacked out a clear substance. Suicidal thoughts crept in. It had to be done. My first thought went to Jay's weapons, uninvitingly sprawled out all over my chair. Yet, I was so physically unstable, I didn't think I would be able to manipulate a semi-automatic weapon to do what I needed it to do. So, I resorted to an old method.

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Agony radiated throughout my skull as I threw my head towards the bathroom tile. For moments, the shock and pain made me froze. Darkness and stars ruled my vision. I reoriented myself and did it again and again. Blood sprouted from the skin that was ripped open. It drifted down my face, creating pathways over my nose, mouth, and cheekbones. I could taste the iron mixing with the ashy taste still lingering in my mouth. Sobbing, I forced myself to continue the self-harm. It was the only way to prevent another massacre from occurring again. I was willing to sacrifice myself to prevent it.

"Bria!"

The rush of footsteps traveled from the bedroom into the bathroom. My hands were slipping out from underneath me. I slammed my head again. "Bria! Stop!" I had the faint awareness of muscular arms wrapping around my torso and yanking me backwards into hard flesh. I squealed and squirmed in the attempt to escape to return to destroying myself. The arms tightened around me. I kicked out with my feet, trying to get leverage to get away. All that gripping and pushing off the floor propelled us backwards into the wall. Snarling through my tears, my hands reached up and scratched at his forearms. A couple of times, I broke free of his hold. I wasn't quick enough to retreat, and he could always snatch me before I could get enough leverage to throw myself at the floor. That's how we stayed for minutes, hours, I don't know, against the bathroom wall, his panting and my sobbing overpowering my hearing.

I had only so much energy, and eventually, I just collapsed into numbness.

When Jay felt I had calmed down enough, however much later, he slowly released me. By then, I was so exhausted that I slumped against the wall with my shoulder. The cool surface lightly mitigated the agony pounding in my skull. Fortunately, I hadn't switched on the light when I had entered. We were using the moonlight to see by. I heard Jay rip the hand towel away from the towel rack and place it under the faucet. Soon, he was kneeling before me and lightly dabbing my forehead with it. Even though I had slammed my head against the ground several times, it did nothing but create a superficial wound and migraine. "You are a mess," Jay observed.

I responded with a pessimistic grunt.

"The masquerade is tonight, and here you are with vomit in your hair and on your breath, trying to bash your head in!"

I waited for him to inquire why. I waited for him to tell me he knew about the massacres, and he understood what type of headspace I was in. I waited for him to offer support, to guide me to a solution I hadn't considered before. I waited for him to ask about the Beijing massacre and comfort me for causing the deaths that were connected to that one.

Jay did none of that. Whether he remained oblivious by choice or because he was truly slow-witted, Jay went on cleaning my face. “I’m happy you stopped. It scares me," he stated. He flung the towel into the sink. Inside, I scowled a little, not wanting a bloody towel in the sink. He scooted so that he was seated right beside me. His large hand crept over my body. At first, it was massaging my bare back underneath my blouse in what he thought was a comforting manner, before it explored the length of my arms and legs. "I don't know why you would be propelled to do this," he admitted.

My eyes shot open. I stared at the door hinge. The side of my face was pressed against the wall. "You don't?" I croaked, disbelieving.

"No. You have everything here. You were given your future back. Sebastien will make sure of it. You have an apartment that is meant for a senator, and an easy invitation to all the galas throughout the year. If you wanted to, you could become rather influential! You could have power to decide on new laws," Jay declared. His hand roamed around my stomach, slowly encroaching higher (and lower).

I couldn't allow his obliviousness to rule the conversation anymore. "Did you forget about the massacres?"

"No, but you're working on your magic, right? You'll master it. You have mastered everything you have ever tried. I'm not worried."

"People are dying, Jay." I choked on the sob. My voice sounded raw.

"Hey." His hand stopped drifting around and suddenly became possessive, grabbing at my crumpled blouse and arms. His other hand came to help. He pulled me onto his lap so that I was facing him. His hands gripped my upper forearms. My head found a new place to rest against the wall above his shoulder. "You're going to learn how to control your magic, and then you are going to redeem yourself. I wouldn't worry about it. Just like I will not worry about my own stress at work. The commander has assigned us to a detail for a month at the most miserable place in this universe. I'm going to be away from Astraera, from you. It's bullshit." My mind lurched over his words. His lips caressed my neck.

"Jay," I refused. I didn't have enough energy to retreat.

"Shh," he said. "Let me help you. Let me distract you." His lips mastered mine. As his tongue thrust into my mouth, his passion exploded. His tongue attempted to battle with mine, which was a lot more subdued. Limp, even. Underneath me, I could feel the press of his manhood against my leg. His hands scrambled wildly around my body, pulling at my shirt, cupping my breasts and ass, and shifting my weight around. He pulled my head in so that he could kiss me more soundly. In the quick moment he took to gather his breath, he murmured, "I want you, Bria. Let me have you. I need you, please."

I allowed him to remove my leggings, twist me onto my stomach, and position my hips at the precise level he needed. He shifted my underwear to the side. My hands returned to clutching the bathroom mat as he thrusted in and out, as he got the relief he sought for himself. A single tear drifted down my cheek. This was what I had become. I blocked out my feelings about what was happening. I was doing this for him. Jay needed this. Whatever stressors he was carrying on his own shoulders, he needed this to relax.

Afterwards, neither of us had enough energy to get up and return to the bed.