The year , 1997,gave me the most precious gift of my entire life,something that I can and will keep to myself until my last breath..YOU.
You were really small when you were born..our parents were really worried..they thought that you were incurred by some sort of disease,..for you to be that small was something really terrifying for our parents..and without any know-how the Doctors were also keeping their lips shut..the air back then was really gloomy and a bit eerie…
But me,on the other-hand,without a single shred of care for the earth,....without knowing anything that was happening outside that closed room,kept sitting on a chair..... beside you,......beside the cradle in which your tiny,fragile body was resting on..
I brought my chair as close as possible..I was just inches apart from your tiny yet beautiful body..Then,I had this immense curiosity or maybe it was lust?..to touch it… I took my hands closer bit by bit,now that I think.. my hands were already close..so close that I could feel those faint breaths through my palms,I remember I got so excited that I squeeled and was ....scolded by the adults nearby.
Even though it was sub-conscious and my hands were there without telling me ,that is to say ,they were close to you even before my mind processed the thought-no..the desire to touch you.. somehow that time lapse was long,really long ,.............for the me,back then, it felt like a thousand years..ironic,right?
My big rough hand was shaking,..it was scary!… the feeling was of someone who knows the value of a precious artifact and was allowed to touch it(think you are going to touch a fragile glass-work worth a million..add whatever currency you like, it’s still huge,no?!!)..but the feelings of touching something that was mine,something that will not resist, even if, it was crushed to nothingness..a feeling of madness..touching something really precious and even knowing that, I was still allowed to break it,.....I was given the right to,I thought,because... you.. were mine,,…............. these sort of feelings had also sipped into my inner turmoil.
The moment I touched you I was in a trance for who knows until when..the moment my hands touched you, your body trembled and..my body shivered..this feeling put forth a new world before me..I was trapped in the moment ..I was imprisoned by the being called YOU.
Your body was so nimble,so soft ...........,even the rabbits that I had back then were not that soft.I was caressing your flushed cheeks..and with every passing stroke the desire to crush you with all my might for once and to see what happens grew stronger and stronger..
I wanted to be kind to you, I wanted to treat you like the most precious jewel in the world,which you are,but the maddening feeling of destroying the most precious existence,this excitement.. was also there..
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But it's not like I wanted you dead.. nor for you to really die--no,somehow... I knew ,....you won’t die... or more like...........you can’t die without my permission!
Even if I were to crush you into a void..into something whose existence is questionable ..I will still search for all of 'you' and will put you together and again remake you ,even if, I have to mend your pieces ..smeared in your blood ,your warm- crimson- bloody liquid..
No matter what I do to you, nothing can happen to you...
....hmmmm…You ask why?
..Baka,it’s cause you are mine!!.....You are not allowed to leave my side before I allow you to,not like I ever will…You are mine..only mine………
The moment I decided to try it......... that is to go with the flow and crush you..hard real hard.. and was brought back to reality from the trance,by the way, just for the record I want to add that I hate those moments in which I was tranced,as, it took away some of my precious time with the real you,.................you were already awake!
I was reflected on your eyes and you on mine…those mysterious black pearls ..that stare, as if ,you could see right through me, gave me chills..I was sinking deeper and deeper into this new world you introduced me to..I was getting overwhelmed and was being engulfed by this new world you came with…but just before I was completely drowned in the abyss, your small-and-soft pinky-plumpy lips curled into a smile!!.
Your smiile.........it was warmer than the sunshine in winter and much more beautiful and divine than the universe..it was magical..a better word could have been used but for me it was like a magic was cast on me.... telling me to be with you,telling me to take good care of you,telling me to love you and I..I totally fell for it..………………I knew in my soul that I should hold you dear,I knew in my mind and body that I should love you..but this guilty and sinful heart wanted to tie you down and tarnish you…but I restrained myself.. the feelings of treasuring you won! …or more like the feelings to possess ..until you couldn’t see anything but me won..or more like the feelings to destroy you after you become even more precious...my broken heart probably suppressed the sin so that it could get larger…like the saying goes *Let the sleeping Lion lie*or something similar to it ,well whatever.. who cares……
It’s been twenty years since then…and I am already used to this demon inside me ,or ,that is what I would like to do..sometimes the sudden impulses are hard to suppress but the precious 'you' always won …what happened back then ,to be honest ,I really don’t remember,but it seems like it was nothing to fuss over as you are already taller than me ..it is more like a seed rather than a bud turning into a tree…these past twenty years,the time I spent with you, were fulfilling.Your delicate but precious existence made me think that I couldn’t have spent my life in any other possible way and would have enjoyed it as much as I did with you….to me you were the only thing I care about you ….
Kazami,did you know??
If the god or the time.. were to do us apart then….. my demon will probably go berserk and will turn back the time and will make sure that he wipes out the existence of this being called 'god' from the face of this mundane world…
As a result I always pray to him that,"Kami-sama..onegai ..make sure that you don’t do something rash....,ne?"(Uuwah...Scary..cold sweat)
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(TBC)