What is it like to be one of the greats? One of the amazing heroes in The Ultrahuman Force?

Well, lemme just tell you how it went for me!

I got ripped from my father’s arms the moment they discovered I had powers, along with my sister. We were a year apart, and only fourteen when it happened.

I got my old life’s info erased. Everything about Quincy Whistlewood was wiped from existence. I was thrown in as a trainee, worked my way up the ranks tirelessly, and once I became a little popular, I was ousted. They claimed I had died in a valiant effort to save some kids or some shit… All I’d done is chicken out on some completely unreasonable missions that probably would have made me wind up dead anyway.

Oh, and I come to find out, my friend and idol, Lethal Inferno, also got me fired out of jealousy! Lovely…

Now I’m just an adorably cute helpless boy trapped in Washington with nothing to do. Nobody even thinks I exist.

But soon, I’d find my true calling, my purpose. Not as a hero…

I was gonna be a villain! Yeah… seriously. Career choices.

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It was two years later, and I’d moved up in the world. Fate does that sometimes.

I was part of a new company, one that didn’t treat its workers like slaves and offered many benefits. I’d bounced around jobs for a while before I found this gig. But when my sister rang me one lovely day, saying I should work with her, I accepted in a heartbeat. I’d changed aliases more times than I could count, and I was sick of it.

Alright, sorry, I lied, it was just once. I’d been a mercenary for a hero-for-hire company just for some extra cash. With it, I got the hell out of Washington and moved to Canada! The land of the moose, maple syrup, and waterfalls. That’s what they are known for... right? Either way, I’m in a better job.

And again, I lied… Super sorry to throw you off here. You see, the Ultrahumans Force is basically like… the best place ever that you can be as a Superhuman, or at least the one that gets you respect. Unless you’re a villain, of course. And if you’re me, you get a pink slip.

“Quincy! WAKE THE FUCK UP!” and after all this time, I was still being shouted at. That was Twee, the annoying one. I was okay with her though, since I kinda just go with the flow of whoever’s in charge, and she just happened to be boss’ number two right hand demonnette.

Now, I’m pretty sure you’ve now realized I’m working for a Canadian supervillain. I won’t linger on that, shut up and keep reading.

“Why are you sleeping on the job?!” she yelled, walking up to me, her stride very over exaggerated and her high heels very cloppy across the tile.

“Because I finished it, and there was nothing else to do.” I replied deadpan, sipping some tea. It was bone cold, I didn’t really mind. I handed her the spending report for the month that I’d finished typing up.

“Oh, impressive.” she said, holding back some obvious shock. She was pretty bad at being a tsundere for the cute shy office boy, but she was good at her job, and she could fire me, so I couldn’t say much to her face about it. “Boss wants to see you. Important stuff.” Twee said, reading through the document and using a metal nail file on one of the metallic horns protruding from her hot pink forehead, which she says is part of her demonic possession, but it looks like a bad facepaint job.

She had a sad life, but I think that is what I liked about her.

Today’s flavor of absurdity was a ridiculous purple dress with frills, conferring the image that she was a diva mixed with a Victorian-era queen, and the scary part was that… I kinda liked it… Yeah, I know, fear me. Do it.

“Thanks for reminding me.” I weakly smiled, standing up.

I worked in my own little room, quaint and lovely, just how I liked it. I had my own door, giant blue neon lava lamps, a nice desk with the latest in communication and computing tech and basically any decoration I wanted in the future as long as it was within the budget. Villany sure as heck paid well, although it left a gaping hole inside my soul that could only be filled with giant fucking blue lava lamps.

And you heard me, I’m the accountant! I’m pretty proud of myself for landing such a prestigious position even though I never used my powers much. But fighting was never really my strong suit, even though TUHF probably would have preferred as many heroes as possible to fight against evil and show off their power. Not me, I was perfectly fine sitting in a nicely decorated office doing another person’s taxes.

Honestly, it just took me getting fired to make me realize how scummy TUHF was. I swear I didn’t have any resentment, in fact I resented very few things in life. But for a government funded program, I think this is the most dissatisfied I have been with anything my taxes are going towards. Not that I pay American taxes anymore though, I’m cool.

Regardless, I’d already exited my office into what I liked to call the Spooky Cavernous Villain Lair. Kind of a mouthful compared to Mount Avernus, it’s actual name, but hey, I try to be a little creative… Sorry. Also, I think our boss stole the name from his D&D handbook or something. Dunno.

Most of the place used portal tech to transport ourselves around. There were many walkways carved into the sides of the massive cave which contained offices, R&D rooms, labs, personal rooms, eccetera, eccetera. Each had a portal on either end, sometimes two, and glass windows overlooking the cave’s center.

Of course, our boss had built a lovely living quarters for himself in the very center, surrounded by a hot spring moat going around a massive pillar guarded by robotic laser weaponry. His luxury villa was there for all to see, even with his own little swimming pool and outdoor veranda.

Stolen novel; please report.

Atop the house was a massive holo-projector which could project a 3D render of his face into the center for all to see. It often gave announcements to the whole lair, but to be honest, the 3D effect was extremely extra to the point I saw no benefit beyond vanity and intimidation.

I trekked down the halls, worried what this important stuff could be… What if he was about to fire me? I wracked my brain. I’d not done anything recently that would offend him… Actually, to be honest, this week I’d strived to be super non-offensive… I had a habit of… scathing sarcasm. Aaaapparently, that’s offensive… But I hadn’t done any of that this week!

So what was the issue?

Ahhhh… I’d figure it out when I got there, I was only worrying myself.

I hopped through a portal and found myself outside the villa. Another portal sat across from me, continuing the loop, both portals out of place in this modern tropical style house’s patio.

I walked past the glimmering pool, which somehow still glimmered without sunlight? I hoped our dear lord didn’t put chemicals in the water again. I remember last time he did that, the amount of mad science it took to fix it wasn’t pretty. That’s right. We drained the fucking pool.

I slid through the glass door into his fancy living room where one of his cohorts, and one of my friends, was drinking a can of soda on his couch. “Better not spill that, Blackout.” I said, glancing at him.

“Yeah, sure. You worry too much.” he replied in a British accent, rolling his pure black eyes, which was harder to see than most, but he did it a lot. They looked like giant caviar in his eye sockets. Although, despite the look, I knew he could see better than most people. And see things normal people couldn’t.

“It’s only logical.” I replied, shrugging.

“Boss called ya in?” he asked. I nodded nonchalantly.

“I bet he’ll replace you, at least from what I overheard, he’s-” I didn’t hear anything else, I’d already frantically dashed into his office and barreled open the door. I began to pant like a panda giving birth from the two point five seconds of exercise I just got through. Also fear for my job, there was that too.

“Took you long enough.” the boss said with his New York accent, clacking his golden bone fingers against the glass desk. He really liked doing that when he was waiting. I’d fucked up so hard this time, hadn’t I?

“Are you replacing me?!” I yelped in fear.

“What?!” he chattered, his shiny jaw dropping. He let out a clanky laugh from his throat. “No, no, no! Whistlewood! My friend! I’ve decided to grant you an excellent opportunity to accomplish more here at my company! This is cause for excitement!”

Whew… it’s just a promotion!

On the front of the glass desk was an LED screen with animated lights flicking around. The word ‘Stocklord’ in front of a rotating globe switched to a sign that read ‘Applause’ when he pressed a button on his computer. I did as the sign commanded, clapping for him. I did think it was a bit much, but the poor man was quite lonely up here. I heard his son hates him and his wife is in an unmarked grave somewhere in Arizona, so I put some energy into it.

“Great… that’s a relief.” I sighed, sitting down at a chair.

“Yeah, it is. Soak it in.”

“What is it then?” I asked, tilting my head.

“Wait just a moment, Quince. I’d like a dramatic reveal here.” Stocklord said, holding up his hands in suspense.

After a minute of waiting, I began to think whatever was going on wasn’t gonna be something worth my time here in purgatory. “Just a second. He went off to the bathroom like ten minutes ago, how long does it take for someone to piss?” Stocklord said, peeved. He tapped his scry boney hands on the desk again, his expensive rings jangling against his gold knuckles.

“Have you been a skeleton that long?” I smiled, cracking a joke. I always liked how casual I could be around him, although I think that’s acquitted to his hobby as a comedian.

“Hahaha! No, but I know you don’t take that long.” he chuckled.

Just then, the door creaked open behind me, I heard it and turned around. My heart froze, all joy I was having flushed away.

There stood a slightly overweight balding ginger man with a scraggy reddish beard and a yellow hoodie on, carrying a large balck duffel bag on his back. He looked like a drug abuser or a meth addict with the bags under his eyes looking large enough to carry groceries.

“Hey, I’m back. Just had to crap. Who is-” he stopped too. We thought the same exact things.

“In surprise?!” Stocklord asked, I very slowly nodded. “Meet your sidekick, Sal, his name is Marionette!”

“Yeah...” I mumbled, still frozen, looking at Lethal Inferno, my old fiery friend, with 100% less fire…

Stocklord smiled, fake coughing. “It’s Quincy Whistlewood, from The Ultrahuman Force? You two were friends?”

“Hey! Quincy! Long time no see!” he laughed, finally noticing me...

I really wish he hadn’t...

I’m Marionette. I’m Nineteen, and I was in my dream job. Was. This is where my life decided to jump off a cliff.

I’ll still be hopelessly lovable and attractive by the end though, don’t worry.