Chapter 7
An extraordinary argument for using helmets
The ancient Elven Celestial Empire was not, as Jack had imagined, a space faring race of little pointy eared, cookie baking, shoe repairing, toy making, tree living nature worshipers. Nor were they like Mr. Tolkien's own view of a tall proud, even arrogant, long-haired race of magical archers. Although arguably Tolkien's view is closer to the truth perhaps. The disconnect comes from the fact that Elves are a dual natured race. They are not actually even humanoid in their main, primal form. As a species, they only became humanoid later, once they had discovered the pitfalls of having such a large and powerful shape and realized that it made civilization and its accompanying marvels difficult, or even impossible to implement. One of these marvels, is the art of crafting with its many subdivisions and subspecialties, such as Metal smithing, wood working, alchemy, array mastery, dweomer craft, and many others, both arcane and banal.
By the time of the Great war of the firstborns neared ending, the Celestial Elven Empire had mastered many, many crafts, and invented many sciences. In truth, they were too industrious, too innovative, too insightful, just too much period for the other firstborn races. This is why the other firstborn races all banded together to destroy the ancient Celestial Elven Empire, lest it continue expanding and the Celestial Elven Imperial line became the rulers of the entire Cosmos. This is just one of the many truths of that far off time, an over generalization of preposterous magnitude, but as Jack's dear departed Mum would have said, “It's good enough for Government work.” And indeed, it is that. Many more secrets are there to be discovered about this tumultuous time, however, even as knowledge is power, it is also a weapon, and a dull weapon wielded by a clumsy untrained hand is more dangerous to its user than it is to its user's enemies...
One such solution to this conundrum was the creation of the Artifact Array Intelligence. First created as a giant city sized construct of sigils, dweomer craft, runes and incredibly intricate arrays running through, around and between them, these Artifact Array intelligences, later to be known as A.I.'s would store, transmit, and record knowledge, organizing it and parceling it out to those who needed it, but only according to its strict instructions. Eventually, the master craftsmen of the Elven Empire learned to invert space around the Array Intelligence compound, and thus they shrank its outer size to miraculous levels. Then they made it into a ring that you could wear around. This is exactly the sort of behavior that made the other firstborns quite vexed, not that the Elves cared, and that made the other firstborns even more vexed. It's not hard to see why the Great War of the Firstborn occurred, though to many it is hard to understand how the elves could lose it. Unless you listen to the banned and heretical rumors, the ones that ask “But did the Elves really lose the war? Sure, OK, they are all gone now, but the other firstborns left shortly thereafter their 'winning' mostly too... Even the Phoenixes themselves are as rare as phoenix feathers now...”
.Array Intelligence Ring (Prototype) {Classified} Initializing..........
.
.Scanning for Host.
.
.Host Found!
.Scanning Host.
.
.Preliminary scan shows Host structural integrity at 52%
.51%
.50%
.Immanent Discorporation of Host projected in 2.4 seconds.
.Primary Initialization interrupted!
.Emergency Medical Backup Protocol initiated.
.Repair Protocol #1 initiated.
.Begin Flooding Metaphysical Network using Array Intelligence Ring main reservoir.
.
.
.
.Warning! Host Spiritual Evolution Quotient below 3.1!
.
.Warning! Host Metaphysical Circulatory Network non-standard!
.Warning! Failure of Prime Meridian!
.
.
.Repair Protocol #1 failed.
.Immanent Discorporation of Host projected in 0.3057 seconds.
.
.
.
.Host life processes have terminated!
.Catastrophic Event Protocol initiated.
.Activate inversion field.
.
.Warning! Host in proximity to Non-Host Entity!
.Non-Host Entity designated potential hostile.
.
.
.Target 'Host' absorbed into emergency treatment room.
.Non-Host Entity shunted to confinement cell.
.Non-Host Entity Marked for Enhanced Interrogation at earliest juncture.
.
.Scanning Host
.
.Host Name detected: “Jack Elder”
.Error! Host unknown! Primary Host predesignated as {Classified}
.Bloodline Detected: Elder Bloodline. Confirmed!
.Error! Non-Elven Race detected!
.
.Inheritance package detected. {Classified}
.Authorization code {*************}.
.Code Accepted.
.Code Confirmed.
.Super-User status granted!
.Infinity Protocol engaged.
.
.
.
.Host Status?
.Host Status: Dead. Temporarily reversible.
Stolen novel; please report.
.Structural damage to Physical body: 82.7%
.Structural damage to Psychic body: 42%
.Structural damage to Ethereal body:64%
.
.Total damage exceeds Resources.
.
.Safety Interlock Removal request sent
.Safety Interlock Removal request failed.
.Emergency Override Activated. Superuser Status Confirmed. Safety Interlocks Disengaged.
.
.Calculations Complete.
.Optimal Repair Strategy found!
.
.Initiating Array Intelligence Ring embedding. Warning! Safety Interlocks Not Engaged!
.
.
.Phase 1 Repair Initiated.
.
.Phase 1 Repair Complete.
.
.Host Status?
.Host Status: Unconscious.
.Structural Damage to Physical Body: 2.0% Stabilized.
.Structural Damage to Psychic Body: 21.3% Stabilized.
.Structural Damage to Ethereal Body: 44.2% Stabilized.
.
.Insufficient Charge to continue treatment.
.Insufficient Charge to maintain life support.
.
.Error! Primary Intelligence Array failed to Initialize.
.
.Error! Must be Unoccupied to Initialize!
.
.Stand By for Eviction procedure.
.Scanning Non-Host Entity
.
.Non-Host Entity Designated as “Sum Guy”
.Bloodline Detected!
.Bloodline Identified! “Jade Seal Bloodline #14”
.“Sum Guy” Confirmed as Human Royal. Reclassify: Non-Hostile: Ally.
.
.
.Termination and Consumption of Entity 2 Canceled.
.
.“Sum Guy” Trans-positional Artifact Detected!
.
.Stage 1 sub-spatial storage ring retrieved from storage.
.Stage 1 sub-spatial storage ring designated “apology/bribe”
.Material Apologies specific to Human Race transferred to Storage Ring “apology/bribe”
.Stage 1 Sub-spatial Storage Ring designated “apology/bribe” Transferred to “Sum Guy” Spatial-temporal Storage Ring.
.
.Eviction procedure beginning.
.“Sum Guy” Trans-positional Artifact Activated!
.
.“Sum Guy” has left Array Intelligence Ring (Prototype) {Classified}
.
.
.Transportation Array Initialized.
.Transportation Array Engaged.
.“Jack Elder” has left Array Intelligence Ring (Prototype) {Classified}
.
.Eviction Successful.
.
.RESTART
.
.Array Intelligence Ring (Prototype) {Classified} Initializing..........
#
Jack's lifeless looking, but now quite improbably non-dead body fell out of a Jack-sized hole some six feet above Jack's bed. Or rather, the guest suite's bed in Great Uncle Randall's house. Dead Great Uncle Randall's former house, now Jack's house. As Jack's form left the eye-bleeding terrible nothingness that was apparently some kind of portal, said portal closed with a slight whooshing noise and with all the sonic fury of a snail's scream. Which is to say it was very weird sounding, though not very loud. Unless of course, you yourself are likewise a snail, or snail sized, and in its direct vicinity.
Falling six feet onto a bed with steel spring coils has certain consequences and repercussions which are all determined by the enormous number of specific factors involved. Among those factors are altitude, and orientation, velocity and acceleration. There is mass, and weight, which most people only think is the same thing because they spend all their time in 1 G of gravity, and thus to them, mass and weight seem the interchangeable, even if they really aren't. And then there are other particulars such as the size, shape, material and quality of the mattress. Those last qualities are important because Jack hit that mattress with quite a lot of force and given that his mattress was very luxurious and thick, due primarily to Dear Old Dead Great Uncle Randall being obscenely wealthy, such that when Jack made contact with it at speed, two things happened. And then a third thing.
The first thing that happened was that Jack bounced quite spectacularly. Even a Russian Olympic judge would be forced to give that bounce a 9.0 if, in fact, mattress bouncing were to ever be considered an Olympic event. And when he bounced, so too did the pile of blankets, partially wrapping around an unconscious Jack's Leg. That was the Second Thing that happened. The Third Thing that happened was Jack, now partially tethered to the bed and continuing his post-bounce trajectory fell, face first onto the very hard and unyielding floor. Again. This is something Jack would surely mention, if only to complain about how these things keep happening to him, and how he must have the worst luck in the world, only Jack can't. Because Jack is taking a little nap, which is actually quite an amazing upgrade from being dead truth be told. If Jack could see himself right now, he might be filled with a powerful sense of Deja Vu, as he now lay in the exact same place where he fell when he jumped out of bed in the early hours of Tuesday morning, during the blizzard. Blightning? Blizightnard? Whatever. Only unlike that time on Tuesday morning, Jack doesn't immediately come to and run down the stairs.
He doesn't come to when the Sheriff's deputy, Big Willy, finds him lying face down in a small pool of blood and saliva on the floor of dead great Uncle Randall's guest room either. He doesn't even wake up when the Ambulance comes to bring him to the Hospital, despite its blaring sirens which could quite frankly wake the dead, at least metaphorically. OK, so maybe it's a little bit more than just a nap. The word coma might come to mind. And to lips, like the lips of the EMTs and the Emergency Room Resident. Who knows? A few weeks in bed might be really good for Jack. After all it can't be any worse than the floor.
#
Nothing quite says 'Your life is completely out of control' like waking up somewhere other than where you went to sleep. Or, in Jack's case, waking up somewhere different from where you were miraculously brought back from beyond the pall of death. Unless the place you happen to wake up is in a hospital room, because that doesn't mean your life is out of control as much as it means that you should consider investing heavily in lottery tickets, or at the very least, some quality life insurance for your beloved beneficiaries. Hospitals this far into northern Maine aren't exactly the best funded. Or the best equipped. Or the best staffed. Let's face it, if you wake up alive in a hospital room in Aroostook County, Maine, you are very lucky even if you weren't already dead for a little while first. It is very lucky for Jack that nobody is aware that he was very recently very temporarily dead, or Jack might just have ended up accidentally starting a religion. And that is for the best, as 'Jack Christ' doesn't really roll off of the tongue anywhere nearly as well as it rolls off of a bed.
The hospital room Jack currently resides in is small but clean, and filled with all the sounds you might expect, which is beeping mostly, unless there is a doctor or nurse present, as there is now. Jack's eyelids flutter open and blurrily try to focus on the person standing at the foot of his very outdated old hospital bed.
“Easy there Mr. Elder. You've had a nasty fall. You're in the hospital, and you're going to be OK. You have been in a coma again for almost two weeks, and to be honest, we weren't sure that you were going to pull through.” A blinding light pierced Jacks brain as the doctor checked Jack pupillary reaction. “Huh, looks like you are a very lucky man, Mr. Elder. I'm Dr. Posey, Physician on staff here at Aroostook General. Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?” Dr. Posey held up three fingers.
“Three.” Replied Jack in a scratchy voice. Two weeks without talking or regular beverages had turned Jack's voice into a dry, dusty, desert wind. “How did I get here? The last thing I remember is... actually, I can't quite remember the last thing I remember. Where's Gwen? What happened to me?” Jack said.
“Relax Mr. Elder. When nurse Chapel told me that she thought you were waking up, I notified the Sheriff's department. Please, no Star Trek jokes about Ms. Chapel's name, or at the very least try to make sure that she is out of earshot first for the love of all that is holy. It would really be a shame to have to give you this 'you just got out of a coma' speech again so soon after just giving it. Someone should hopefully be by soon to explain everything to you. I would tell you myself, but I don't actually know anything about you that isn't on that chart.” Dr. Posey pointed at the foot of the hospital bed. Then he gave Jack a small glass of plastic flavored water with a plastic straw. “Drink this, it will help with the throat discomfort. I'll have some soup sent up from the cafeteria. Just rest, watch some TV and be patient. As soon as I hear anything, I promise, you'll be the first to know. Ok, fine, technically you will be the second to know, because by definition, I will have to be the first, first.” Having said that, Dr. Posey left Jack's room to do whatever it is that doctors do when they aren't being condescending to patients. Do hospitals have a golf room? Or maybe a room for small shrines to themselves? Great are the mysteries of the universe, and us poor mortals shall likely never know.
Jack thought about it and decided that if he was in a hospital, then he might as well try to relax. If anything bad were to happen, Jack was in the best place to deal with it here, relatively speaking, after all it was a hospital, even if it wasn't exactly state of the art this century. Picking up the remote control from the rolling table beside his bed, Jack started looking for something appropriately mind numbing on the television mounted to the wall across the room. What he found was an interesting cartoon. Jack hadn't watched cartoons since he was a child, and he was surprised at how different they seemed to be now, compared to what he remembered. This cartoon was that new kind of cartoon the young called 'Anime' and Jack watched it with a mild but growing feeling of Deja vu as the characters in the show flew around doing improbable Kung Fu and fighting terrifying monsters from beyond reality with various flaming or glowing weaponry. Jack slowly sipped his plastic flavored water, waited eagerly for his soup, and watched cartoons, because that is what you do when in hospital. Hopefully after some nourishment, his brain would decide it too was still alive, and maybe it would deign to begin its standard functioning again. Or what passed for functioning for Jack. Only time would tell.
Jack ate his soup when it arrived, despite not being a fan of chicken rice soup, and by the time he finished it he was halfway to sleep again. As he drifted off to dreamland, he considered how ironic that he was so tired after spending two weeks in bed. Then he thought about how strange that this wasn't even the first time that he had woken up from a coma in a hospital bed. Then he decided he didn't really care and fell asleep still half watching his new favorite cartoon “Another Journey to the West.”