Ancient Astronauts: The Movie was a privately owned film, independently produced by The Church of UFOs. They were a cult that existed outside of town, living in Army surplus Quonset huts and funded by the life savings of new cult members, unlicensed salvage and a variety of online scams.

The Church of UFOs kept themselves relatively secret, recruiting from UFO watchers and wealthy New Age enthusiasts that they scouted. Their evangelists were called Saucers and the congregation was known as Abductees. Cult initiation involved getting abducted by aliens.

I joined them years ago, while suffering from severe depression and loneliness. I had become a UFO watcher, having turned my passion for astronomy into something less tangible. Saucers found me camping in the desert and took me to one of their Stations, where some RVs sat in a circle and they had larger telescopes and radar equipment.

"We also have contact with the Greys and the Friends. You can meet them, if you like." The Saucers told me casually. I blinked, just hearing that echoing, almost mind shattering phrase: "Hey man, you wanna meet an alien?" and then seconds later, there's one standing right in front of you.

I felt a chill. They were so confident that I believed them, and it frightened me. Despite being called Friends and the fact that the Church of UFOs regularly talks to Greys, I was not comfortable seeing one in person. The thought of it terrified me, for some reason. Some part of me found the idea deeply revolting.

With some distress and trepidation, their confidence and my curiosity won me over. I asked myself why I should be afraid. I couldn't believe they were telling the truth about aliens unless I saw for myself. And if I did see, then they were telling the truth, which meant that the creatures were harmless. The various species besides the Greys were called the Friends, after all. Seemed like the name said it all, they were benevolent.

That is what I reasoned, that if it was all real, I had nothing to fear. And if it was all just a scam, a hoax, then I likewise had nothing to fear. There was still a nagging and growing premonition, that none of it was right. Both the cult and the aliens could be dangerous, and I might have listened to my fears, yet I did not.

There was an old roofless ruins of a chapel in the desert. The skywatchers, the Abductees, called it the Star Cathedral. I looked around at the members of the cult and noticed they were not healthy. Their eyes were devoid of emotion and their movements were orchestrated and without volition, as though they were all being mind controlled.

The Speaker of the Church of UFOs was surprisingly young. She had strange features, like no ethnicity I had ever seen. I can barely describe her, except to say she seemed like a mix of every race, and something else. She claimed to be a Star Child, the hybrid offspring of an alien and humans. From the look of her, she could be telling the truth.

"My parents met on a voyage, and I was brought here after their union, to bring truth to the people of Earth." Speaker Rayzelus preached. "The people of Reticuli offer peace and friendship and they have brought the Friends here to witness this time, as humans become aware of them on their own terms. They have many gifts they would like to share with us. They prefer not to interfere with us, but it is a decision they have mostly agreed among themselves that they will try to protect us from annihilating ourselves while we grow and mature as a species."

"Amen." The Abductees agreed.

"It is a time for acceptance and transformation. We must choose to become elevated and wise. They will not force themselves on us. It must be something that most of humanity comes to accept. Soon though, there will be many more like us. Soon the time of open skies will come. Our militaries will allow them to come and go freely and their traffic will be visible to everyone. Those who wish for the healing and augmentation of their bodies will be freely granted their medical capabilities, which they have adapted to the people of Earth already."

"Amen."

I shuddered. Something was not right about any of it. The Abductees sincerely believed in the aliens and spent all of their time and money dedicated to the desert cult. I found myself getting drawn into it, surrounded and immersed in their cosmos. It became more and more difficult to disbelieve or remain objectionable.

"Are you ready to meet them? They are coming tonight." Speaker Rayzelus asked me.

"I'm not sure." I said honestly.

"If you do not wish to meet them, then it is time for you to go. You know what we believe, but the mysteries of the Sacrament are only for true believers. To become one of us, to be an Abductee, that means to meet them and to get taken."

"That's the part I am afraid of." I trembled as I spoke, looking up, worried they would arrive at any moment. I didn't really want to see aliens and I certainly didn't want to be abducted by them. I felt like it was already too late.

"They are here." Someone said strangely, their voice sounding wrong.

I looked around, feeling a kind of dread that made me want to sit still. I felt alone, surrounded by the cultists. I also felt watched, like something was watching me, and knew my thoughts and fears.

Then there was a strange stillness and silence. I slowly began to look up, my eyes drawn instinctively to the source of my growing terror. At first, all I saw was a vague shape in the darkness, something peering at me from the open roof of the ruined chapel. I stared and despite the coolness of the desert at night, I began to sweat. I was truly afraid, realizing I could not go back, there was no longer a choice, I couldn't decide not to believe in them.

As my gaze locked on the creature, I could make out its features up there, the light gray skin and its large dark almond-shaped eyes that seemed to wrap partially around its disproportionately large head. It seemed to be looking at me, and I almost panicked. I wanted to run, but I felt frozen in place.

Then it began to move, crawling over the edge and down the side of the wall, having no difficulty spider-climbing its way to the ground. The Abductees parted for it and nothing stood between it and me. I shuddered as the candles gave an eerie glow while it slowly walked towards me.

As it got closer and closer a wave of nausea and the urge to resist it and fight it or run for my life nearly overcame me. Then I felt a strange kind of numbness. I couldn't move, couldn't hit the creature or turn from it. Its eyes were hypnotically locked onto mine and it somehow disabled my reactions. All I could do was stand there while it approached. My fear seemed to be subliminal, as though it could control my emotions, like I was still terrified, but I was only aware of my dread, and couldn't act on it.

Then it touched me and everything went bright, and then dark. I felt like I was falling in emptiness, asleep and unable to wake. There was a weightlessness, a kind of trapped feeling, like suffocating, but worse.

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I don't remember the abduction. There is a part of my mind, my memories, that belongs to them. It frightens me that part of my experiences are locked away. It makes me question if I even know myself, or if there is something in me, some part of my mind that I am unaware of.

When I woke up there was a strange burn on part of my hand, at the base of my right pointer finger, on the palm of my hand. I had a headache and I felt very disoriented. I looked into the mirror, when I was in a trailer, and didn't recognize myself, having a sensation like I wasn't sure who I was.

When the Abductees found me, I was sitting alone on the sand, in the early morning. They wrapped a blanket around me and gave me some water.

Later, I met with Speaker Rayzelus. She said, "You were already chosen, long before last night. You don't remember?"

"No." I admitted. There was a feeling of the foreign, of the unknown. But at the same time, the feeling itself was well known to me, was very familiar. It was a little bit like Deja Vu', like a sensation, like I just knew somehow what she was talking about.

"The mark on your hand, have you seen it before?" She asked.

Without thinking, without actually remembering I nodded and held up my left hand. "It was on the same spot on my other hand. I remember trying to wash it off."

Then another memory popped up, and I felt sick, recalling that when I was a teenager I had dug into the mark with a knife, bleeding and determined to find what was under the skin. Later I was amazed that there was no scar and the mark had disappeared.

I looked at my hand and the memories of when I had borne such a mark already returned, vaguely, as though a dream. I was again disturbed by the feeling, the awfulness, of not knowing what was in my own mind. "What did they do to me?"

"They are only trying to be helpful. They mean no harm." Speaker Rayzelus told me.

"No." I stood, the repressed fear and anger rising up in me like a hot return. "What the hell did they do to me?" I nearly shouted.

"Wait." She stood too, and suddenly embraced me. A strange helpless feeling washed over me, and it was as though she too could control me at will. She pulled me down and laid beside me, her large eyes staring into mine, hers dark and unblinking. "Just relax. Be calm. Let me hold you."

I could do nothing else. I fell asleep there, like a crying infant rocked to sleep. When I woke up I was already among the Abductees, although I had no idea how I got there. When I noticed I was wearing different clothes and that I could identify many members of the group, there was a kind of surging horror, knowing that a lot of time had passed, and I had no idea what had transpired.

"You seem confused." One of my friends among the Abductees said to me.

"How long since I joined?" I asked.

"Only a year. It is the anniversary of your abduction."

My legs felt weak, like I could collapse from shock. How could a year have gone by? Where was I the whole time? The last thing I remembered was laying next to Rayzelus in her hut.

"You've held the gift." Speaker Rayzelus told me. "To rotate and be here again and suffer none of it. That is what you wanted, and now you will see it all, in the light."

I had no idea what she was talking about. I wanted to throw off my sparkly robes and tinfoil miter and run for my life. But I knew there was no place to go. The aliens could find me anywhere and take me any time. I wasn't even sure of myself anymore, like they could remote control me and erase my memories. I didn't even have my own emotions anymore, it was like they could strip away my God-given fear and make me accept them.

Speaker Rayzelus was holding a swaddled infant in her arms.

"The immaculate one, it is ours." She told me. The rest of the congregation was in awe. The baby wasn't crying. I stared into its unblinking eyes. It had its mother's eyes. It looked at me and smiled, knowingly.

She handed me the baby, and I knew it was mine. I wanted to hate it, but there was a profound feeling of attachment and nurturing that I felt instead. It was safe in my arms, although deep down I wanted to set it on fire.

"Tonight you will take our child up to the stars, while you visit with its grandparents." Speaker Rayzelus told me. I nodded.

Evidently, I did exactly what she said I would. I have no recollection of it, except in vague and misty outlines. I recall walking out of the Star Cathedral and looking up to see the silhouette of a UFO hovering. I have a dim recollection of the light paralyzing me and stiffly holding me while I held the baby, and weightlessness as I was brought up into it. I also remember them asking me if I wanted to harm the baby, and I admitted that I did not want it, and I handed it to them. They told me I was not ready to assume the role of leadership they had intended for me.

That is all I remember, but it was like in a dream, foggy and hard to consciously bring back. There is a fear in me, of them and of whatever is in me, that I do not know.

When I returned, I complained about how unhappy I felt. Fear held me in its grip, and I couldn't look at Rayzelus, for her heart was broken that I had left our child in space. I became demoted to a Saucer, going out and meeting with potential new members for our congregation.

During my time back in the real world, I found a doctor who specialized in removing objects embedded in a person's flesh. I got the procedure and had the implant taken out of my hand. I wanted CAT scans done on my head, but there was nothing to indicate I needed them, so I was denied those.

Back at the Star Cathedral I got to watch the movie, with some people that wanted to join. Ancient Astronauts: The Movie, was a low budget production, but somehow it seemed like real footage. The movie began with the young world, an ancient swamp filled with ferns and dragonflies of enormous size. Many strange creatures lived in our world. It showed the earliest humanoids and their visits with extraterrestrials. As they advanced one by one they became the leaders of early tribes, individuals with covenants with the gods.

Religions and science were given to humans, along with interventions - miracles, along the course of history. There was a horrifying feeling deep within me as I realized I was deeply involved with all of this and had no real willpower or voice of my own. The scene with an alien Jesus, a Grey being crucified, was appalling. I realized that they had shown nearly every major historical setting and many such subversions. If their movie were ever released it would properly shock and offend everyone equally.

Nothing was sacred. They had demonstrated that all of Mankind's achievements really belonged to the aliens, that every moment of history was manipulated by them, and left to our own devices we soon needed their help and intervention. I felt sick.

The movie wasn't CGI, it was more like a conversion of their recording processes into a lower form. Like holograms to a cave painting. The comparison gave it an unearthly, almost mystical quality. It was not meant for mass consumption, yet I felt like someday it would be commonly viewed. Their masterful art made the best movies made by humans seem like crayon drawings being compared to the Sistine Chapel.

I wanted to gouge out my eyes and never see anything again. I couldn't unsee what I had just watched. I could imagine thousands of moviegoers going to see Ancient Astronauts: The Movie and walking out of the theater blinded by it. I wanted to laugh or cry or scream or puke out my brains, forget the nightmare. There was no going back, no way back to my ordinary life.

"What is wrong with you?" Speaker Rayzelus asked me.

"You know what you did to me." I told her. "You know what is wrong with me. I want out. I want to go back to my old life."

"You are still afraid." She sounded sad. "You will always be. I loved you, I meant no harm."

"So you say." I felt angry. My fear had revolted into anger. "Just let me go. If you care about me, if that isn't just another layer of control, then let me leave. Let me forget all of this, don't take my memories away, just let me forget all by myself."

"You can leave whenever you want. This isn't a cult." Speaker Rayzelus told me.

And so I did leave. I went away and tried to never look back, tried to forget. I still wake up at night, turning on the lights, terrified to find my bed surrounded by Greys that were watching me sleep. They are never there.

Sometimes I wake up and I check myself, look around to make sure I am still where I was when I went to bed. I look at the clock and make sure I haven't missed a single hour. They don't come for me, they have let me go.

There is still fear that they might take me again, but it hasn't happened since I left their church. Instead, there is just this feeling of memories coming back, slowly, and of learning who I am, remembering myself.

I just feel alone, depressed and lonely. I have nothing to believe in, and it feels like the ones who care about me are far away, abandoned by me. I feel watched all the time, like they are watching me, missing me. And that is what I have come to fear the most, a fear of who I am, just a sad and lonely person who left it all behind.