“Well I don’t!”
The words just fly out of my mouth.
I mean, it’s true; I don’t love him. I’m just going along with this whole relationship charade because he’s so pushy. I’ve tried to tell him off multiple times, even. He should know that it doesn’t mean anything to me, and I shouldn’t feel bad for saying it out loud.
Yet, I can’t help but regret it a little when I see his expression.
The hallway is dead silent.
“Is that so…” Aaron finally says, his speech slow and monotonous.
I feel numb and heavy.
“You know what? I thought I could do this… Turns out I can’t…” he mumbles, looking down at his feet.
I feel like someone is stabbing my chest with a knife, and my body is both hot and cold, and I can’t move.
Then he finally looks at me with a sorrowful smile.
“Goodbye Mona.”
No, don’t go!
I feel a strange urge to reach out and grab a hold of him. Tell him not to leave.
Then he turns around, opens the door and walks out. I don’t stop him.
When the door closes behind him, I suddenly feel like every ounce of energy has been zapped from my body. I can’t even stand, so I fall to the floor. I can’t breathe. The pain in my chest won’t let me.
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What is this? Why am I feeling this way? I don’t understand.
I notice tears are streaming down my face.
Why do I feel this way?
Make it stop…
…
The next time I see him is Monday in the cafeteria. He is standing in line at the counter with a couple of friends and when our eyes meet, I half expect him to smile and come running… or give me puppy-eyes and start apologizing… but he doesn’t. Instead he looks away like he never saw me, and I’m left standing clutching my shirt at the strange sensation in my chest.
The next few days I don’t see him at all, and he doesn’t text me. I guess… it’s really over…?
Before a lecture, finding our seats Jen suddenly asks me:
“Hey, did you and Aaron have a fight?”
She’s giving me an annoyingly worried expression as she says it and I squint. How did she know?
Like she’d read my mind she adds:
“Cause, he hasn’t texted me about where you were lately… so… did something happen?”
“No. It’s nothing much, we just broke up is all”
Her eyes widen in horror.
“What?!”
People in the lecture hall turns around at her sudden outburst and my cheeks burn under the curious gazes. It’s good that the professor hasn’t arrived yet, but god… could she not do this?
“Shh…”
She covers her mouth when she realizes that everyone is staring at us.
“I’m sorry” she mumbles embarrassed, “but why? He was such a good guy and you made such a great couple.”
A great couple? We weren’t really a couple. It was just him making strange demands in a sexual arrangement, that I indulged in because he was a good fuck. That’s all.
That’s all…
“I don’t need a boyfriend, Jen” I snarl and I’m surprised at my own hostility answering her question.
So is she, because she makes a face like a kicked puppy.
“Sorry… It just didn’t work out, okay? And I don’t want to talk about it…” I add in a softer tone.
“Fine… but if you ever do, know that I’m here for you. Break ups can be rough, y’know?” she says, sounding slightly sad.
Then her head perks up and I know by instinct that she’s going to suggest something stupid.
“How about we like, get a ton of ice cream and rent a bad movie and watch it together. Y’know, girl-time?” she says all chipper again.
Okay, that doesn’t sound too stupid. You never know with what crazy ideas Jen might come up with, but that sound tolerable. Totally cliché and not really my style, but it doesn’t sound too bad. Might be kind of nice…?
“Sure, Jen”