He blinked hard and suddenly he was standing in the glade again. The sun burned against the tree tops as the blonde woman in the stewardess uniform flipped through a magazine. Lefty stopped to rub his eyeballs and collect his thoughts. Then, as he opened his eyes again, the stewardess stood.
“Good, it looks like the both of you are up to speed now. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am the Attendant and it is my pleasure to welcome you to the planet Wraath, your new home. I will now be walking you through a short orientation process.”
“Orientation process for what?” Lefty asked.
“You are both now considered players in the newest season of Sable Unlimited,” replied the Attendant.
“You said that like this is all one big reality show,” Lefty said.
“That is because in a sense, it is,” explained the Attendant. “You see, everything you see around you has been carefully designed to maximize entertainment value to our intergalactic audience. Everything you do here is broadcast to our audience every hour of every day, with the exceptions of bodily functions, mating, or any other indecent exposure that would normally violate your privacy under intergalactic law.”
Lefty scratched his forehead, “So … that’s comforting … I guess? I’m still totally confused though. Just how did we end up here? I mean, aside from the memories of my past life, I don’t remember anything beyond about an hour ago. So either I have the biggest hangover in the history of the universe or something really, really weird is happening.”
As he finished this last sentence, he looked down at Feathers and realized the irony of this statement. He was, literally, standing in a forest with a duck who, it seemed, he was able to communicate with while looking at the holographic image of a woman in stewardess outfit who was in the middle of introducing him to the basics of an intergalactic reality show that he, supposedly, was a participant in. He knew that somewhere in his rational mind there had to be some kind of reference point that proved just how ridiculous this situation was, but for the life of him, he seemed unable to find it.
“Right,” the Attendant said cheerfully. “Allow me to explain. When you died in your last life, your consciousness was transferred from your physical body on Earth to a brand new physical body here, on Wraath. This was a result of a careful process of distributing hand selected clips of your play among our test audience and then measuring their amusement.”
Lefty felt awkward for a moment. “You mean … I’m … popular?”
“Yes. Apparently your specific brand of buffoonery is popular with our more … shall we say … less educated audience.”
This did not make him feel any better. “You mean, like, stupid people?”
“That would be one way to put it,” the Attendant said flatly.
“Oh,” Lefty said.
The Attendant flipped a page on her clipboard, “Yes. I’m reading here that a lot of your better moments were played with a laugh track, if you’re familiar with that concept. I also see that they’re considering you as a candidate for a fast food sponsorship. That is, provided you both survive that long.” She spent a glance at Feathers, “I wouldn’t worry, they don’t serve duck.”
Feathers gave a sarcastic warble.
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Lefty began to translate, “He said …”
“I’m not concerned with the duck’s opinion on this matter. I’m behind schedule this morning and I need to get the two of you out the gate.” The Attendant gave an annoyed sigh. > Go to Feathers as we’re on the topic of consciousness transfer.
“Now, as I was saying, the two of you have been set in this world with preset characters based on the skill and play-style you displayed in the Sable Unlimited experience of your past life.
“Now, as I was saying … the two of you have been set in this world with characters preset based on your skill and playstyle from your previous experience playing Sable Unlimited in your past life.
While you retain none of your previous life’s memories, you have retained your memories as they pertain to this game. So, while neither of your past selves had progressed far enough to unlock a customizable character to start this iteration of Sable Unlimited, I believe you’ll both find that your current characters are very suitably designed.” The Attendant then flipped a page and then raised an eyebrow at the duck. “Wait … that doesn’t make any sense.” She rubbed her chin as she studied the clipboard. “Typically, we try to match your new body with a species resembling your old one, but in your case Mister … Feathers, is it?”
The duck gave an amiable warble.
“In your case the file simply says ‘not applicable,’ whatever that means. So, perhaps that’s why your aggression is so high. Well … why they’ve given you the form of a waterfowl is beyond me, but who am I to question the needs and wants of our audience.”
Feathers, who had stopped paying attention, tilted his head as he watched a bug crawl up a stem of grass. The bug, unaware of the lurking predator, continued on its path until the duck’s head snapped forward and snatched it up. With a snap of his beak, Feathers gobbled down the insect and, when he was done, then let out a satisfied warble.
As his web footed compatriot stalked through the grass in search of his next prey, Lefty returned his attention to the Attendant. “So, what you’re saying is we’re stuck here.”
“If that is how you choose to look at it, yes,” the Attendant replied.
Lefty looked up at the sky as he shook his head. “And all this time I thought Wraath was just a video game world.”
“In a sense, you still are. You see, by scientific terms, you are no longer on a conventional planet formed by heat, gas, and a lot of complicated physics, but a planet formed by a naked eventuality.”
“And what is a naked eventuality? Is that, like, a black hole or something?” Lefty asked.
“You are thinking of the naked singularity which is where space time collapses in an act of ultimate destruction. No, the naked eventuality is much different. What you are standing on is not a conventional reality, but an imagined one. This is in accordance with the Pfinneyas Principle, which states that in an infinite multi-iverse, all things are possible and thus, if one is to imagine something that is possible, it will occur somewhere in the infinite possibilities of all of the infinite universes that are infinitely large and so if you think of something you want, it exists and all you have to do is find it. Then, if you’re a really good person for a year, there is an wait on the approximately .0000003849226888 (repeating) minimum it will be discovered.”
Lefty was amazed, “So … they just wished it into existence?”
“Not exactly. Concept hired people to think about the possibility of Wraath being spontaneously created and then discovered for the better part of three centuries until they finally found it here.” The Attendant looked up at the sky, “We’re actually not on a planet, but a moon orbiting the gas giant Gloast 009-34T, but for trademark purposes we don’t refer to it as such.”
Still amazed, Lefty followed her gaze up toward the sky. “That’s wild. This Concept company sounds like it’s something else.”
“Yes, the game development company you knew on your homeworld was nothing more than a shell company for the largest gaming corporation in the known Multiverse. Owned and operated by the singular genius Mister Phinneaus Gage, Concept has been running the wildly popular premier gaming experience known as Sable Unlimited for one thousand, three hundred, and eighty three years now.” The Attendant sighed as her gaze returned to Lefty. “This, relatively speaking, concludes your initial orientation. I hope you have found it useful as you now begin your journey. Are there any further questions you have before we release the two of you and initiate your stream?”
Feathers quacked dismissively.
“Erm … yeah, what is exactly is our purpose here?” Lefty asked.
“Survive,” the Attendant said. “You are in a game. A game where monsters are real, dragons are real, magic is real, and death is very, very real. Mister Lefty, I have you down as playing a wizard. You are starting out at level one. After this you may inspect your character sheet and stats. I’m very sorry as wizards are currently somewhat underpowered at the lower levels.” She then turned to the duck. “Mister Feathers, it would appear that you are …” she checked her clipboard again, “… a duck. Right. I see this was voted on by a very specific segment of our target audience and you, as they say, drew the short straw, which is likely another reason your aggression stat is so high.”
Feathers, who was in the midst of inspecting another bug, let out an unconcerned warble.
“Right,” the Attendant tapped her pen. “Well in that case, to finish up I would say that if you make it through the next week, Mister Lefty, you will have outperformed even our most optimistic projections for your survival rate. So, if I were you, that would be my goal.” The Attendant then put away her clipboard. “There. Now, unless the two of you have any more questions I’ll be on my …”
Lefty raised his hand again, “Yes, I actually wanted to ask …”
“… way.”
With a blink, the hologram of the Attendant disappeared.