I know what's happening to dad, but there's little I can do to help until he opens up with me.

He's only been able to make it so far because he's only had a clear goal to strive for, pushing forward and disregarding the past. To find a place of safety, a home in a world, not a fragment of a bubble roaming the void, that was the destination. But now that he's here, he can no longer do that anymore. There's no pressure to keep him from breaking down, unravelling into a monster and engulfing everything in flames.

It's safe here, we all know that. But it's dulling us, it's blunting the edge we all sharpened out of ourselves, not that it's a bad thing, but that sharpness is an integral part of us, a part we can’t and shouldn't dull so fast, otherwise all the monsters will return.

Inhale, hold and think, exhale. I took a deep breath and held it, giving me a few seconds to think, and then I tried to clear my mind and everything else. My mind tends to wander while thinking, getting off track and wasting time. I need to stay on topic, this is too important to be distracted from.

I repeated various drills and actions, trying to push down and extinguish the well of sadness inside of me, alongside keeping my thoughts clear.

But a single thought was burning inside my head, one I couldn't and wouldn't extinguish. Dad can't die until his wishes have been fulfilled, not the mementos of the dead, not the wishes of those unable to move forwards, but the wishes he makes for himself and his happiness, uninfluenced by the will of others. He will not die until he lives a content life, after all, he's carried me this far even when he couldn't carry himself, this is the least I could do for him.

We've been through the worst already, trudging so long through between hells to find safety. It's too late to leave clean without twisted mutations, too early to leave our second chance of remedying them. We can't waste this, we've got to embrace this and go forward... just like we've always done...

A-as we've always done.

It hit hard, the thought was crushing, bringing the past and reality back to me. We've always pushed onwards whether voluntary or not, leaving the past in the dust with few moments to make clean with it. The moments which stuck the most were the ashes of others, the burnt out embers of hollow people.

Pain dragged along the memories, leading them, but this is the first time we're able to breathe, to embrace the pain and face the memories without a monster threatening to consume us if we were to relax.

I took one last breath to think, and then I released.

The tension left alongside the air.

While it's important to think about this, I can't get into too many details, I have no time to dwell in the past, I have to help dad. But how can I in this situation?

Dad’s probably going to attempt suicide due to a mixture of reasons. Mental state, seals, environment and tasks. Those are the most likely drivers behind this probable attempt, I just need to do what I’ve learnt: observe, plan, act, repeat. I need to disregard emotion and view everything objectively. Now, how would that apply to dad in this situation?

His mental state is abysmal, same with everyone else. We’ve all been through, seen and know too much. We’re all broken from those experiences. But dad’s is even worse. While most of us were Ruptured, he isn’t. He can’t Adapt and use his surroundings to form his Pattern, he didn’t have a possibility of a saving grace appearing in his most desperate times, unlike everyone else. That weighs on him, he couldn’t have a miracle to pull him out of the situation and boost his growth and potential, he was confined to the boundaries of humanity, unable to break the shackles on his own, not without excess time and planning. Any unexpected or out of plan occurrence would result in the failure of his operations.

And it wasn't just those which hurt him, his survival does as well. He continued to walk even when the giants fell, even as he dragged the chains and mementos placed on him by himself or by others, regardless of the reasons…

And… and Puppetear… that Gfedilxen bitch. She violated his efforts, his struggles and the core of his very being. She broke dad on levels nothing else could, fragmented him until he nearly clear fogged, a major factor reason for his current mental state. Fury blazed as my thoughts tunnelled, the hate pooling into that embodiment of a monster. I don’t care if she’s one of the most powerful Ruptured, I don’t care if she’s the vice leader of the Artisans, I don’t care about her contributions to the Seekers, they can all fuck off. No, one day I will find her and I will make her suffer.

I took a few breaths to calm myself down, temporarily avoiding thoughts of that terror until I could help dad recover. I let myself forget her, ignoring the distraction and focusing on the observation.

The seals may be a part of the problem, after all, memetics and infomorphs are notoriously difficult to contain, which is why dad is a specialist even among the other anomaly hunters. He already has promises and contracts to keep himself grounded, while preparing different seals and containment cells of varying forms to keep them away from anyone else. But some of them are strong to the point where he can feel their influence, even while sealed, it’s a delicate scale where a tiny factor could tip it… like our current environment.

The Mana is so much more stable here, that may help with the seals but it may not, but it also means a lack of Qetioluy in containment, for better or worse. While he may not be able to use it to restrict the beings, he won’t be affected by it either. He excelled in using the instability in the Jikolaoiten to handle everything, but there are few instabilities here. But, maybe the Phalytra could be used... hmmm... Potential for use in that department. There was a lack of woven Residue in Jikolaoiten due to the Qetioluy separating and corrupting everything, alongside the disharmony of everyone due to the isolation and harsh conditions there. But here? The rules are more stable, we might be able to use them, but we have to learn them first. It’s likely that the Phalytra here and lack of Qetuiluy may have affected containment in ways dad couldn’t account for.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

Now for tasks, he’s finally found a safe refuge, but what now? We could only have pipe dreams for this kind of situation back then, and even that was a luxury. Now that we’ve arrived, we’re safer than we’ve ever been, but for how long? Kualotind and Jikolaoiten are now connected with the Horrizon being pierced due to the final push, just how long until the Qetioley devours everything?

I take some time to ponder on that thought, focusing on the present and future instead of the past. What if I could use this to keep dad going? No, I can’t do that, he’s at this point because of the pressure and responsibilities hanging above him, and he was brought into Jikolaoiten during Integration, the original Rupture. He can’t continue living, single mindedly focusing on a task, he wasn’t even given the chance to live until now because he could only cling to survival.

I could barely finish the observation, realising once more just how broken dad currently is. Deep inside, at the back of my mind, I’ve always known the hardships, but I’ve been keeping them away so I could grow as much as possible, grow strong like dad never could so I could support him when he needed it. Like right now. It’s not the time for my buried thoughts and emotions to surface, it’s time to act. Once dad can get back, we can have all the time in the world to deal with them.

Now that observation was over, it was time for planning. How can I use this to act? Out of these reasons, the most likely are due to his mental state and the affected seals. No matter what I do, it’s almost certain that he’s going to attempt to commit suicide tonight. No matter what I tell him, what I do to prevent it or what promises bind him to life, he will attempt to die tonight. He’s already got half a foot in a grave.

The easiest way for dad to commit suicide would be through the use of his boosters, with the most likely ones being the Sinking Depths or an overdose of Empty Space. I couldn’t help but think at this moment that dad’s naming sense is pretty bad. Both drugs had a similar result, but achieved their goals in different ways. Sinking Depths was a suicide agent, one he would use in the event that he is compromised and is likely to injure the others. It worked effectively during testing, but he was unable to use it when he was captured… fuck, this hurts to plan. The drug slowly numbs every limb, then slows the target's thoughts until their mind halts, killing them, but preserving or continuing the target's end state. The memetics and infomorphs could try to influence him into thinking that he’s being compromised and use the altered environment to escape, but that wasn’t as likely as Empty Space overdose.

Empty Space was a focus drug dad uses when he’s either capturing an anomaly, or taking out a mind reader. It clears the thoughts of the target, making them ingrained into the body instead of occurring in the head, making it difficult for anomalies or readers who target heads to gain information. It also has the side effects of numbing sensations and can even halt body and mind operations when too many doses are taken, killing the target, but what else could dad do? He was limited by biology and a lack of Adaption, he needed every tool he could get his hands on to catch up. This is also the most likely option as it would be easier for them to compel dad into taking it, alongside the drug lacking a preservation effect which may enforce the seals.

He keeps all of his drugs on his arm strap when he’s not in gear and his paranoia makes it difficult for actions to be hidden when he’s nearby, especially with his use of Rupture and his enhanced senses. He doesn't remove the strap unless he’s cleaning or performing maintenance, but maybe I don't have to remove the strap, I could change the canisters.

He's intimately familiar with them though, being able to notice even the slightest differences in both the canisters and their effects, mostly able to stop their spread when he's focused. But what if I cause a distraction? He's always focused until his... moments, but other than that, there are few opportunities. But… I can misdirect his thoughts…

What if I'm able to get him to focus on himself during his moments instead of his surroundings, then swap the contents or lead him to a safer option? It... it's cruel, even if he’s not in the right state of mind, but... it's for him to live. I took a breath of composure. As for options there were: memetic agents, which are too easy for him to notice if they have a big effect, so I'm either going to have to use a minor one which he may not notice, but will change enough to lead him. Or I... ca-can mention a member and get him to focus on them.

Damn this, I fucking hate this manipulation, but it's possibly the only option I have right now. There are few chances after death to change anything, and those are mainly limited to the Ruptured, but he hasn't Adapted so it's not possible.

I'm sorry, uncle, for tarnishing your memory and doing this to everyone, but father has too many problems and will self-destruct soon if I cant do anything. I'm sorry.

Cursing myself with my eternity, I continue the thought. I'm going to have to drop subtle hints about them. He's observant and caring, so he's going to notice the signs and try to cheer me up, but it'll get him lost in the past...

I had to resist the urge to throw up at my thoughts. Roptilua's honour, I'm disgusting. I have to fucking take advantage of him, mislead and use the dad who's protected me since he found me, the child who found a dying baby in a desecrated city and raised him. Even after all of the burdens I brought and the struggles he faced, he never left my side, he only had care and love.

And I was betraying him, even as he believes in me, I have to fucking betray him. I'm... a shit excuse of a person, I'm a voluntary traitor, the worst of the worst, a construct without boundaries or rules to live by, a fleeting product of a twisted environment.

I couldn't hold my tears back, so I let them flow. But I didn't make a noise, dad would hear them even if the walls were insulated, he wouldn’t think much for the exercises, but he would for the cries. I had my back against the wall, exasperated as I looked up, defeated, perhaps looking to a true higher power to fix my troubles.

Tears ran down my face, but I couldn't be bothered to wipe them, for my entire existence was full to the brim with guilt and treason. Nothing else could be thought of but the future betrayal and the thought to deceive dad. Some time passed as I dwelled on my emotions. I wiped my tears but kept my face covered with my arm, too ashamed to see the light.

"Fuck this shit, man" I couldn't help but deflate with defeat.

"Fuck this" I repeated.

He definitely heard me, I cared, but I had to let it out. I couldn't handle all of the emotion, even with my Pattern keeping me together. I was a mess and I knew it, but I needed this moment to breathe, even if I am being a hypocrite right now, dwelling on my past and current thoughts.

Dad's going to be concerned. It hurts. My heart wasn't stung, it's been drugged into immortality and tortured. Trapped in this state, stagnated and unchanged forever onwards. It will never stop beating in agony, where every pump of blood is a dose of poison, where every thought is a spiked, rusted chain piercing my head, designed for suffering by the sickest of creatures. Every gram of joy I will experience will in turn be crushed by tonnes of suffering and despair.

He only has care and love for me to return to, and I'm fucking reciprocating it with betrayal, one he won't notice it, instead, he will look to me for the light to guide him... blaming himself for the events which cripple him, the ones he has no power over and will never do.

I hate all of this, I hate what's happened to him, I hate what's going to happen to him. I hate what I'm going to do to him... I'm so strong, yet so weak and fragile. I can't even say that I'm sorry, dad. I'm too pathetic and powerless to do it.

Unmoving for a while, I sat by the wall, looking for a sense of stability to fall back on, none was felt. I clenched my teeth and silently screamed into my arms as I began acting out the plan.