Ren and I have still barely spoken. The days of silence have become like a bleak fog in our chambers. Our bed had grown cold and was now only used for rest. It was times like this that I wished my mother was here, she always knew what to say. I am sure she would have given me some kind of sage marital advice that would solve all my problems. No matter what I seem to say to him, always backfires. Between what I said at the feast and him being excluded from the battle strategy, I don’t know what is more on his mind.
Lately, my husband has immersed himself in his reading. Book, after book, have continued to pile in one of our bedroom corners. Each passing day the pile grows, ranging from topics of philosophy, history, and stories of old. Today he is sitting in his reading chair with a brown leather-bound book, the pages a pale yellow, but the edges were dark and frayed. His eyes did not waver from the page. Ren’s focus was strong and true to the ink in front of him.
Being the sensible Princess that I was trained to be, knew that interrupting a man when he was reading could be interpreted as rude. However, if I didn’t interrupt him, I would never be able to talk with him.
“Wh-what are you reading?” I muttered.
Ren continued to read, letting out a small grumble like he couldn’t hear me. I cleared my throat of nerves and decided to make a second attempt. “What are you reading?”
He took his index finger to his tongue, then proceeded to flip the page. “A text on ancient Sandserpant history,” he said bluntly with little emotion in his tone.
“I didn’t know you could read ancient Sandserpant.” His eyes scanned his reading, not even flinching during our conversation.
“I don’t.” he blurted.
“Well, that must be difficult to read.”
My intentions were lighthearted but as things have been with us, things seemed to take a turn for the worse. Frustrated eyes met mine, making me miss the lack of eye contact from before.
“Someone needs to learn about what we are dealing with.” His harshness was alarming. The force in his voice struck my heart with remorse and longing to solve the rift between us. At the same time, an anger of my own had started to form. I have tried everything I could think of to fix this, and have yet to see any effort from him.
“What do you mean? You are the one who wanted to seek out their help?” Ren’s knuckles turned white as a sheet around the brown leather between his fingers. “Don’t put that on me. At least I came up with a solution. I didn’t see you or Esteve coming up with any plans of your own.”
He was quick in his defense that I didn’t even have time to think of a reply. He continued, “We don’t know them Arie! And we are trusting EVERYTHING to them! They have made it plain and clear that they have no respect for me, so how am I supposed to trust them?”
I opened my mouth trying to push out words, but only empty air flowed from my lips. Ren closed his book, forcefully putting it down with his pile. “Now they have you in on their plans…”
Ren’s nostrils flared. “You have no idea what it takes to lead an army.”
“I know-” quickly he cuts me off. “Do you?! Then why am I not a part of the war-council? Why do you get to decide the future of Xosta? That is my born right!” He inches closer to me, with fire in his eyes. I can tell he is unhinged, this is not him. “You are my wife now, which means you belong to me. Anything you do, anything you know, you are obligated to tell me.”
In a swift motion, he grabs my wrist and holds it up to his head. This is not him… Ren’s eyes were the same green I knew and loved, but they were warped by rage and despair.
“Tell me what you know!” My head was spinning. I could not comprehend what was happening. My mind went blank, as my body began to shut down muscle by muscle.
When I did not answer him, he pushed me to the wall behind me. The thud of the hard clay threw a shock into my spine causing me to temple in his tight grip. I wanted to scream, cry, push him away, but I was paralyzed. Any fight that I had was nonexistent.
Ren pressed his body into me, crushing the breath from my lungs. His breathing grew heavy with anger-lust, as he dug his fingers deep into my waist. I couldn’t hold it in any longer; the tears flowed from my cheeks as I sobbed in silence. Say something!
“St-Stop.” my shallow breath could barely push the word out, but it was enough for Ren to hear. He pulled away from me, his chest heaving like a raging bull. As Ren took in the sight of me, his expression turned somber. The fire in his eyes went out, and a sheen of disappointment covered his gaze.
“I’m sorry.” He turned his heel, keeping his sight far from my own, and walked out. When the slam of the bed-chamber door sounded, my soul leaped forth from my chest. Everything came out at once. All of the death, and Ren and I all exploded into body breaking cries. No matter how hard I tried, the water from my eyes did not waver. As I broke down on the floor, I had no logical thought, but rather just feelings gushing out of every pore. The remainder of the night I laid there, trembling in sorrow until exhaustion took my misery away.
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“Ariella, wake up.”
I opened my eyes slowly, to see Sir Esteve kneeling down. “You look terrible, and why are you on the floor?” Subtlety was never her strong suit…
“Um, it’s kind of a long story.” Please don’t ask me… I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened. It was too soon, and my heart just couldn’t take anymore.
“Where is my brother? I thought he would be with you…” Her voice trailed off, as an awkward silence filled the room. Sitting up I took a look for myself and confirmed that Ren was indeed not here.
“I am not sure where he is.” My voice was tired and dry from the tearful night. Esteve stood tall looking around as if he was hiding in a corner somewhere.
“Do you know where he could have gone?” I shook my head. My eyelids were barely open, it was as if they were being weighed down. Every time I tried to open them wider, they would only close again.
The iron Knight began to pace frantically, “If you don’t know where he is, and I don’t know where he is, then where the hell could he be?!”
“What is the matter?”
Esteve’s eyes darted like she was solving a puzzle in her head. “I just don’t like that he is wandering around.” Neither did I, but I wasn’t ready to see him, I can’t see him… not yet.
“Get up.” Esteve blurted out. Shuffling around in one of the cupboards, she pulls out two mugs, with matching plates. “Do you drink coffee?”
“What?” My brain was so fried I couldn’t process what she was saying.
“Coffee. Do you drink it?” Esteve stood still waiting for my answer.
I shook my head, “No.”
She simply smiled, placing the cups under a plate at the table in front of me. “Great, because this is not coffee.” Esteve shuffled in her satchel and took out a small vial with a dark green liquid inside. As the potion moved inside the glass, it seemed to glisten and shine brighter than any light in the room. Carefully, she poured the drink evenly among the two glasses. “This is something I made years ago, and I must say I can’t go a morning without it. It gives you the energy of coffee, but without the bitter taste.”
I could hear the words she said, but my arms and legs didn’t seem to care. She looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Come on.” taking my hand she pulled me up and herded me to one of the lounge chairs beside our beverages. “The floor is no place for a Princess,” Esteve smirks like she was proud to have made a joke, but I did not laugh.
She reached out her gauntlet hand, taking the mug closest to her. “To the future Queen of Theora, long may she reign!”
As she raised her class, I quickly took my own. “And to you, the Queen of Xosta.” I wanted to be more enthusiastic, but my lack of sleep got the better of me.
Taking my first sip sent a jolt of energy through my veins. I felt awake in my brain, and in every nerve of my entire being. This was most definitely not coffee. It tasted like blood oranges, mixed with other tropical flavors. Suddenly my eyes were no longer weighted but pried open. Even the tips of my fingers had a slight tingle rushing through them.
Esteve sighed, smacking her lips from her glass. “That is the stuff.” she exhaled. Looking down to the cup in her hands, Esteve continued. “Marriage is a battle I never wish to face...” My heart leapt into my throat. It took two hard swallows of potion to get my nerves down. “I can only imagine the toll this has all taken on the two of you. Life is hard. It comes with twists and turns that you would never anticipate, and it only grows when you have other people to consider.”
Esteve paused for a moment, looking at the ring on my left hand. I had almost forgotten I was wearing it. It had become second nature to me. The gold band had become an extension of my finger, for all to see.
“You never want to be married?” Esteve let out a controlled laugh. “No. Not if I can help it anyway. You and my brother will have lots of children I am sure. One of them can take the throne when the time comes.” She was so self-assured. I don’t know how she does it.
“Look, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Believe me, the last thing I want is a therapy session about you and Galleren’s marriage-but I want to offer some advice…”
I nod, “please, go on.”
Esteve finished the last few drops of her glass and placed the empty cup on the table. She didn’t look phased at all by its contents, but rather relaxed by them. Whereas I felt so wired I could jump out of my seat.
“He would never admit it, and would kill me for saying it, but he does have a few of my Father's tendencies. He can be selfish, and hot-headed, and sometimes maybe a bit insensitive-” My mind went to our argument last night… don’t think about last night.
“-but he is not my Father, and he never will be. I don’t know what happened between you, but I know that he loves you. He hasn’t straight out said it, but I can tell. Call it sisterly intuition.”
I didn’t know what to say, what to think. I am as confused as ever, and taking back Theora and having my ‘happily ever after’ seemed so distant.
“H-he loves me?” Even though I was hurting, I couldn’t help but notice a small smile that crept in across my face.
“Oh yes! I know he does, even if he can’t admit it to himself.” a hopeful flame flickered in my heart. Maybe there is a chance…
Esteve rose from her seat, adjusting her belt which carried a sword. “Well, there is no time to lose. Let’s find my Ren before the Sandsperpants get a hold of him. He has to be around here somewhere.”
Afraid of what more potion would do to me, I placed the rest to the side and walked out with Esteve. I couldn’t avoid it forever. I needed to tell him how I felt. I need to put everything out in the open in order for us to get through this together. I need to tell him that I love him.