“I can hardly approve this course of action,” grumbled Eric as they walked to the guild hall.

“Can it, grumpy butt,” replied Zane, “We both gathered ingredients for our dishes, that means we both compete.”

“But I'm not a chef,” the big man protested.

“No, you aren't. At least, not yet,” said Zane, “But you're getting really good at working in the kitchen, and you seem to have a real passion for it.”

Eric frowned. “That was almost insightful. What's the real reason?”

The rogue cultivator grinned. “If you win on your own, I can make you take care of all the catering for the winter festival.”

“And there it is.” The big man shook his head. “Fine, I'll compete and do my best, for the honor of our restaurant.”

“Yeesh,” Zane made a gagging noise, “I forgot how uptight you cultivators can be. Relax, dude. It's just a cook-off, not some sacred tournament.”

Eric glared at him. “I believe in doing my best, no matter what. That's why I climbed to the rank of senior disciple.”

“My guy,” the young man said with a laugh, “You're like seven feet tall and built like a brick shit house. Who could have stopped you?”

“I suppose you may have a point,” Eric admitted with a frown.

Zane patted him on the shoulder. “Actually, no. I take that back. It was a shitty thing to say. You probably worked your ass off to get where you were.”

The big man stopped in his tracks. “Who are you? And what have you done with Zane?”

The rogue cultivator flipped him off. “Fuck you. I’m trying to become a better person so I don't die of corruption. I hear it's painful.”

“Now that, I can believe.” Eric resumed walking toward the guild hall. “You know, if you are willing, I have some mental exercises that you can practice to strengthen your mind and purify your soul.”

“Do they require more than two minutes worth of concentration?” Zane asked.

“Ah,” the big man hung his head, “In that case, it may be best if we find another way to increase your purity. Have you considered taking a vow of celibacy?”

“Eric, I'm dating a kitsune with a courtesan class,” Zane said, “Exactly how long do you think that vow would last?”

“Not very long,” Eric admitted, “And the loss of purity from breaking a vow would probably be worse than never taking it at all. How about murder? Could you give that up?”

“No can do.” The rogue cultivator shook his head. “I’ve got a glass cannon build with zero defense besides my regeneration. If someone threatens me, I've got to move quickly before they take me out. That's not conducive to letting the other guy make the first move.

“Also, not to sound horrible, but I like being able to just kill people who try to fuck with me,” Zane said, “It's one of the best things about coming here. If someone is being an asshole, I can stab them. It's pretty great, actually.”

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“I'm relatively sure you lost purity by saying those words.” Eric snapped his fingers. “What about foul language?”

Zane paused to think. “Hmmm… possibly. But I'm also a chef, which means it's practically a class skill. So, maybe not.”

“Well, you have to do something,” Eric said.

The rogue cultivator let out a sigh. “Fine. I'll try not to swear, and see how it goes. But I'm making zero promises.”

“Good,” the big man said, “Trying to improve yourself is a sign of positive spiritual growth.”

Zane bit his tongue. “Mmmhmmm, it sure is. That's me, Mr. Positive Spiritual Growth.”

“You already hate it, don't you?” asked Eric.

The rogue cultivator made a point of not answering.

This freaking sucks, he thought, I wish there was a way to make this easier. It's only been a few minutes, and I already want to swear.

As if in response, Zane felt a slight tingling sensation from his new necklace. “What the fuck was that?” he asked.

The answer came in the form of a sudden jolt of electricity. The young man convulsed and writhed on the ground. “Fuck me, that hurt!” he said.

Another jolt rocked his body. Once Zane could breathe again, he looked down at the necklace in horror. “Oh no, you have gotta be kidding me.”

“What's wrong?” Eric asked.

“My freaking necklace just shocked the… sugar… out of me.” Zane almost swore, but managed to pull it back at the last second. “Here, hold onto it for me, will you? I want to try something.”

The big man took the necklace and shrugged. “Nothing seems to be happening.”

“Try swearing,” Zane said.

Eric’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“Just do it. The thing seems to react to foul language.”

“Um… fuck?” Eric said, so delicately that it almost came out like a question. “Nothing seems to be happening.”

“I think you have to really say it like you mean it,” the young man explained.

“I don't want to,” the big man said, “Especially not if this thing is going to shock me.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake-”

Zane didn't get to finish his sentence before the necklace teleported back to him and delivered a particularly nasty jolt. The rogue cultivator could smell ozone, and was pretty sure he had cracked a tooth while he was flopping around.

He looked at the necklace accusingly. “You think this is funny, don't you?”

It tingled a bit, but didn't shock him. “Fine,” he said, “But I'm going to get rid of you the first chance that I get.”

The hungry spirit laughed. I'd like to see you try.

***

Despite what Zane may have thought, the spirit hadn't been acting entirely out of malice when it triggered the anti-theft enchantment. Sure, it was funny watching him get zapped, but there was a real purpose behind it.

The hungry spirit knew it couldn't take over Zane's body without risking being burned for fuel. Archie would have found that out the hard way if he hadn’t been eaten first. That meant the spirit had to make sure Zane didn't die from corruption and take it with him. Which, of course, brought up another troubling question.

Am I… the good guy? the spirit wondered, Because I'm the closest thing this asshole has to a conscience, and I'm trying to prevent him from dying. So, yeah, that kinda makes me the good guy.

The spirit perked up. Yeah! I'm the good guy! Now I just need a name. What about… Archie?

Archie reveled in its own private joke. It had eaten that annoying wizard’s soul, and now it had stolen his name.

I hope you're a quick learner, Zane, the spirit thought, Because I'm going to help you mend your ways, even if it means zapping the shit out of you.

Right on cue, the young man let a curse slip past his lips, and Archie triggered the anti-theft enchantment.

It giggled. Being the good guy was fun!