Marrying to a 30 years old man in the age of 20 was the end of my fantasy world.
The most beautiful and popular girl in the whole school suddenly became an introverted shut in depressed typical gen z. Overweight, dark circles and eyebag with half the amount hair she used to have was then living in her new world that consist of one small room and a forever closed window making the room as dark as possible.
After the school i changed the town from a Out skirted to a main one. And suddenly i became all alone in that town bursting with people. But in the one which had only countable number of people had more individuals for me.
'Did i forgot to pack my soul while moving?!'
'How did everything changed so much to the point i couldn’t recognize myself anymore.'
'Where did it go wrong?!'
'Is there any way to make it any better again?'
'Can i come over it somehow, anyhow?'
That's what i kept thinking for two years in new town.
I tried to make new friends but...... When did making friends became so hard?
It wasn’t this hard before. It was so easy back in the school days. Then why can't i make even one friend now?!. What is wrong with me??!!.
'Fine. If not new friends then it’s all right i still have my old friends from the school"
Thats what i thought.
> "We will never be apart promise to our friendship of seven years"
She forgot.
She forgot our promise bit by bit.
'Only im calling her after moving here. Why won't she call me once?'
> "We will never hide a secret from each other promise"
She forgot even this one
I would know about her new changes from someone else.
And then some months later she told me about her new friends.
'It's good right? She have new friends now to go to collage together'
> "Collage will be super fun you will see. We will go together and do a lot of new stuff and of course we will still be the popular girls just like the school"
>
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'No. It isn’t fun. I don't have anyone to go with. I don't do anything fun or new and popular? Im invisible here'
'She made new friends. If she can then why can't i?. If i can't then maybe i'm the problem'
Problem, that's what i thought but problems are solvable what i didn’t know is that my life was about to become insoluble.
'Phone. yeah phone, let's just spend time with it'
From spending time with it to being stuck with it, i didn’t even notice when did it happen.
When other people of my age were having sleepless night in sleepovers and party's i had sleepless nights with my phone.
When they made new memories in collage life, i cried remembering my old memories from school life.
At some point i stopped going to the collage i would only attend exams.
Surprisingly my parents never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
Waking up in the midday having breakfast after noon and dinner at 12pm and then again another sleepless night made my parent realize only one thing that is i'm useless and a failure.
Night after night i cried and cried soaking my pillow in tears.
Slowly i developed anxiety, short temper and who knows what else.
Most of the time i was having an upset stomach.
Screen of all day and night was giving me so much headache and laying down all day and night was making my body ache.
My hair was falling as if i was developing cancer cells.
Taking bath started to feel like a burden. Repeating
unwashed clothes again and again wasn’t a problem at all.
When i saw myself in the mirror.... I didn’t think anything.
Cause by then i stopped thinking.
It's like a caged bird gave up after desperately trying so hard to fly and bloodied her wings and feathers that used to be the most beautiful.
Screams and nags from my parents was an everyday thing to me
My soul, body, mind was rotting. It's like worms were coming out of my body and i started to hate every part of me. Talking of worm, lice started to swarm in my hair but i even then never felt like washing my hair. So i just cut them off.
I knew my parents gave up on me. I had no friends so i was on my own.
I needed someone. It could have been anyone to support me or at least tell me for once 'if it's not okay then fine but don't lose hope everything will be fine'. Yeah that much would have been enough.
I know it's foolish but i felt like all ever needed was those words coming out of someone's mouth. Anyone, anyone, please anyone could say it right?
But no one said it. Every saw my changes but the only thing they said is 'you changed'
Their tone told me they gave up on me. All of them. Every single person around me.
So i also gave up.
For a person who always smiled and laughed out even in a dense situation,
Suddenly tears became so cheap to me that it would flow without a reason. And i would only realise once my cheeks were hot or throat was dry.
I prayed. Night and day i prayed for death.
'Huh!! When did i became so cowered who prays for death over nothing?’
Nothing- That's what i became.
Nothing- that's what my life became.
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One year went by just like that.
I could see myself still in the same exact spot where i was one year ago.
Except for one change.