I have a list of names in the back of my mind. 

People I'd trusted, admired, looked up to and wanted to be like. People I'd always wanted to be friends with.

This list has many names, for I was a clingy kid, super annoying, always wanting to be friends with everyone but completely unaware no one really wanted to be friends with me.

Over time, I've lost my bitterness towards most of the people on the list. I deserved what I got, I was annoying. An oblivious idiot I know now that no one liked.

If I were to see them again today, I would be friendly. I would be fine. I wouldn't go out of my way to be friends with them again, I wouldn't go that far, but it'd be alright. I'd be alright.

I decided that a long time ago. And I still stand by it. 

I deserved it. Looking back, it was clear as day. They never did anything wrong. 

But there was one name, the one at the very bottom, that I never wished to move past. 

Emily. 

It wasn't her fault. I was... stupid. She was just the one that showed me that. 

I remember what happened. At least, I think I do, but memories linked with strong emotions are often altered, so maybe I don't really remember.

I was suffocating. Drowning in the air. A dark night in the day, spikes of ice from every surface and edge. It hurt, I was so scared that it hurt, and I didn't know how to make it stop. 

And I turned. 

To her. To Emily. To my friend. To the person who'd always helped me before, to the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world, to the person I would have done anything for, and that I know would have done the same for me.

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I turned to her that day. Looked her right in the eye.

And I saw disgust. 

Disdain. Irritation. Annoyance. 

I don't remember her words. I used to think I did, only to look back at old messages and see I was wrong. 

But it was clear. For the first time, after so many attempts by so many people, so many names on a list I made that day that I still remember, it was finally clear. 

I was a bother. Just, a bother.

No one cared about all the little things that bothered me. No one needed to know when something made me the slightest bit upset, no one needed to be burdened with my complaints and my whines. I should just leave them well enough alone. 

Maybe I remember it wrong. There's every chance. Maybe the voices I hear in my head every night are a few words off from what they really were, or maybe the tone has shifted, or the order things were said was switched.

But I know what she meant. I know the look she had on her face when I turned to her that day. She was sick of me. That much I will never forget.

It wasn't her fault. All I did was complain about stupid things. She was right, and she not only put me in my place, but opened my eyes to the reality of who I was.

It wasn't instant. At first it just hurt. I didn't understand, not yet. I was angry for a long time. Cut her off, thought her to be cruel, thought her to be in the wrong.

But looking back now, it's crystal clear. 

I was loud. Annoying. Clingy. Desperate. 

My problems, my fears, my shaky nerves and spikes of ice were nothing. No one cared. Someone always had it worse, I know. I was childish. Naive. So ignorant to what people really wanted, what real problems they had, and I only ever cared about my own. 

It was all nothing. Insignificant. A waste of peoples time.

Someone else always had it worse. 

I had no right to complain. It would have been better had I just shut up.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt so much that even now I still don't speak with her, still avoid the bearer of bad news, still try to convince myself that I hate her, that I hate what she said to me.

But it was for the best. Someone needed to say it.

I'm quieter now. I try not to bug people as much.

I have friends, I'm happy with them, I'm happy with myself. I don't regret anything. I'm proud of who I've grown into. I'm happy, and I have big dreams for my future.

But that list is always there. 

And there are times I look at my friends and wonder if their names will ever be added to that list. 

But right now, there are no names under Emily's. 

I won't let myself do what I did to Emily, to all the people on that list. I won't be that person again. I won't let that happen.

I'm cutting the list off here. 

Done.

That's it. 

No more sadness. 

No more disgust.

No more bothering the people I'd only ever wanted to like me. 

No. More. Names.

Ever.