The last thoughts of my earthly life were remarkably mundane. What a nice sunset.  It's no wonder that I was bewildered when I found myself conscious again, following what I presumed was my death. I say 'conscious' because 'alive' feels like an inaccurate descriptor for my current state. It appears I've misplaced my body somewhere along the line.

So, I must be dead. If that were true, then this must be my soul, separated from my physical form and now dwelling in the afterlife.

"Very Good!” A voice reverberated around me, near yet distant. Its sudden intrusion would've had me leaping out of my skin, had there been any skin left to leap out of. Its effect on me is impossible to discern in this all-consuming whiteness. Could this whiteness indicate heaven? But there was nothing else here; it felt more like I was in some kind of spiritual waiting room.

"You've led quite a life!" The voice exclaimed

It wasn’t that special. I thought, and it was true. It really wasn't. I led a normal life; I didn't stand out too much or contribute anything.

"Ah, such modesty!" The voice chided. "Do you realize the significance of your role?"

Significance? All I managed was to bungle things up and meet an untimely end.

"But think about the lives you saved!"

Saved?

"Indeed!~ Just think - how many lives did you save? 100? 500? A staggering 10,000!?”

None.

"HA! Aren't we the humble one? You, my friend, have saved a multitude, and you're in for quite a shock! Take a guess. Go on, try."

Hell?

"I just said you saved lives, what gave you the idea you'd end up in hell?"

Didn't you just say so?

"Excuse me?"

You mentioned 'a hell of a surprise.'

"..."

Hello?

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"Sorry, I'm just taking a moment to comprehend your... unique thought process."

No need for sarcasm.

"How dare you! Do you have any idea who I am?"

No idea.

"..."

...

"Well, hazard a guess!"

Eric Peterson?

"Eric Peterson!?" the voice called out, leaving it in the air for a moment before it continued, "Eric Peterson- Why on earth would you think I'm Eric Peterson? Who even is Eric Peterson?”

Just a guy I knew.

“And why..."

Why?

"Why on earth would you guess Eric Peterson?"

Well, you did say to guess.

"But... Eric Peterson? Of all people?”

So, a bad guess, then?

“...”

Tina Fae?

“Nope. I’m done. Congratulations, moron, you ruined this for me.”

There is no reason for name calling.

“Don't care what you think, cupcake. We're moving on! So congratulations; you have lived all well and good. Yay, Congratulations!”

You know it sounds kind of mockery if you keep saying it over and over again, even if your voice is so monotone and flat.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, your majesty.”

Oh no, it's fine. But yeah, even that seemed like mockery.

"Unfortunately, I can't kill anyone here or do away with their souls, without good reason anyway. So let's just have you reincarnated as something truly pathetic, eh? How does that sound?”

What, like a worm?

“How about a slug?”

It sounds rather lovely, actually. There's not much to do as a slug, is there? Just crawl and eat. Schoch scooch, hehe.

“So slug is out of the question; really, we should stick to humans, shall we?”

Oh? No, come on, how about a nice dog? Or a cat?

“Right, we should keep it simple—poor, desolate, abandoned, unloved, you know- a proper human childhood.”

Wait, hold on! What kind of childhood is that!?

“Also, we should up the ante! Everyone could use magic in this world, so let's keep that out of your reach!”

Magic? Wait, why keep magic out of my life? I would say but, I never used magic before so…

“You know what? You’re right, that's too cliche! Instead, we will force you to rely on magic for daily survival!”

How is that cli- why daily survival?

“So! One human child (girl) abandoned in the woods, there are plenty of monsters and parasites waiting to eat her, oh! But don't worry! I'll give you a nice cheat skill to succeed in surviving, barely.”

Wait! No what do you mea-

In a whirlwind of color, my surroundings transformed. Life erupted around me in the instant of eternity, and yet somehow, when it was over- I was standing in the middle of a forest clearing. Standing, with a physical form. Oh it feels weird to breathe again…