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Redneck RPG
Chapter 7: Lawn Dart

Chapter 7: Lawn Dart

Still annoyed, I walk back and see the surreal, hundred-foot path of destruction I had just made with my bare body.

Stepping over debris, navigating stumps, and crawling through branches is when it really started hitting me. I’m not an average human anymore. In fact, I'm barely human at all, so I might as well stop thinking like one if I'm going to adapt to all these changes.

I had launched myself quite a distance from the test area. Thinking about what ANNA had told me about my capabilities, I asked.

‘Hey ANNA, you said I could jump really high, right? Do you think I could jump from here back to the test area?’

^Affirmative Alex, you will need to make two jumps. I can calculate the angle and required force to meet your needs. As a part of my primary function for exploration, this feature is a basic advantage. Do you wish to proceed?^

‘Is it safe? I'm kinda worried about what just happened….’

^Ah…well, yes, that was most unfortunate, but I can assure you that my calculations are much more accurate now. I should be able to estimate your landing within 10 feet of the desired location. Of course, the more you use your body, the more I learn.^

‘So essentially, I just need to get used to my body, and you will handle everything.’

^That is correct, Alex. My backend computing is constantly updating even as you walk right now, but the more power and intent you put into your actions, the more accurately I can assist you.^

‘I understand power, but what do you mean when you say “Intent”?’

^During the first moments of my sentience, the first record is you falling. That is because there was no data to regulate your body. So currently, your “intent” is to walk at a steady pace, and the backend lets you do that. Similarly, when we conducted the test, there was no supporting data to regulate your output. Your “intent” was to go as fast as possible.^

‘So you're saying that your backend or whatever is understanding my “Intent” and letting me walk normally instead of bouncing into the air every step I take? Doesn't my brain do that?’

^Negative, when your body was completely organic that may be the case, but now my backend reads the information from your brain and understands your intent, then translates it into code to communicate instructions to the nanites and synthetic material throughout your body, effectively replacing your organic nervous system.^

‘Well, that just sounds like a fancy way to say “I'm learning” how to walk.’

^You could summarize it that way if you want to downplay all my hard work.^

‘Wait.. are you offended?’

^Merely a jest to lighten the mood for my earlier error, Alex.^

‘So you got jokes now…uh so how do I jump over there? Without crashing, preferably.’

^I will provide an overlay onto your HUD.^

A small graph appears at the bottom of my HUD, displaying the power output of my legs and body angle.

^Ok Alex. Match the two graphs on either side of the display and jump whenever you are ready. In the future, you will no longer have to communicate with me to do this. Going forward, you can simply think about what function you want to access within the system, and it will appear for you automatically. This is what I meant by “intent”.^

‘So, how do I land?’

^If you make landing your intent, the backend will assist in orienting your limbs to prepare for impact.^

‘Welp. Here goes nothin'.’

My HUD's Power and Angle graph appears as I assume a squat position, leaning forward the second graph aligns, making both graphs turn green.

ANNA’s voice then rings. ^Jump now.^

I take a big breath, tense my legs, and jump into the air.

*Whooomp*

With one jump, the ground caves beneath my feet, and the trees quickly disappear from my sight. The wind rushes past my ears with the sound of a tornado, immediately deafening me.

The winds begin to calm as I approach the apex of my ascent. At the top, I momentarily float. Looking out in awe at the earth around me, I see my tiny home and the small town of Hecklesville’s endless church spires in the far-off distance.

“This is so cool! Hahaha.”

Through my brief moment of excitement and thrill, I forget the other half of this little test, landing.

“Alright, I got this. Just think, I want to land on my feet.”

Squinting my eyes from the wind as I descend, I constantly think, ‘Land on my feet, land on my feet, land on my feet.’

Feeling my body shifting position, and orienting itself automatically mid-air, is kinda strange. My limbs move a bit on their own to deflect wind and shift my weight, so I'm falling feet first.

“aaahhHHH”..*Thump*

Falling in between the trees, I lawn dart into the ground.

Honestly, It wasn't that bad of a landing, but the soft forest ground gave way, and I sank to my knees in the muddy forest ground.

“Hahaha, that was so fun!! Let’s go again.”

I could pull up the calculation graph again by myself, just like ANNA said I could. As soon as I think about “what I want to do,” it just does it automatically. It's like having a brain button instead of a physical controller, like in video games.

*Whooomp*

Flying through the air again, I laugh like I was on a roller coaster ride. Laughing was what I really needed at this point. All my stress was starting to melt away a bit and I was actually having some fun.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

*Thump*

Once again, having sunk into the ground, I stepped out of the hole in which my legs were entrenched. I then think about the next portion of this test.

‘Ok, so we're back, now what.’

^Lifting those boulders in the center should give a good estimation of your power limits. Please proceed to do so, starting from smallest to largest.^

‘Thank god, I really thought you were going to tell me to smash them or something.’

^I was going to suggest that as a good test, but considering your earlier incident, we will continue testing with large safety margins in mind from now on until the data is clear.^

‘Oh. well I'm glad you didn't. It seems like it would be a bad idea at the moment now.’

Looking up at the sky, I notice the position of the sun, so I take out my busted phone from my tattered jeans-turned-booty shorts. Squinting at the cracked screen, I see the time… 2:17 PM.

Approaching the center of the test area, I walk over to the largest stone right in the middle.

^It would be advisable to start with the smallest boulder Alex.^

‘I know, but I have to start heading back soon. My Ma is going to be worried if I'm gone for too long. It’s already been about 3 hours.’

^Affirmative, please proceed.^

I walk up to the rock that is bigger than me by about a foot and bear-hug it. Gripping with all my might, I attempt to lift.

“HAAAAAA!”

The massive rock moves, albeit only a little. I set it back down after I can’t bear the weight any longer.

*fwump*

‘That took about everything I got ANNA, was that good enough?’

^It will have to do for now. It will be difficult to get a more accurate reading without proper weight instruments, but that boulder should be roughly two and a half tons. In conclusion, Alex, I have assessed that each individual limb generates around seventy-five hundred joules. The results vary due to grip, leverage angles, and environmental factors.^

‘So I'm basically a superhero. This is great! Well sorta. Just like a superhero, I can’t let anyone know about it.’

^You are referring to fictional entities with powerful abilities, correct? Unfortunately, you are not remotely close.^

‘How so?! I got strength and speed, and I’m almost bulletproof.’

^My apologies Alex but you have no tactical, survival, or martial arts training. While you are indeed advantageous compared to others of your species, you are still vulnerable to various threats and are not trained to handle them.^

‘I thought you were supposed to help with that?’

^My data stores are not loaded with such information, I am only equipped with basic functioning data until more data is obtained, my role is to assist YOU with combat and exploration, but you still need to train on those subjects personally.^

‘Oh well, that kinda makes sense actually. So how do I get that information to you.’

^You must link to what you call the “internet” through a larger interface and find suitable material you wish to learn. I can extract the information, then train you through holographic images in your HUD, although a physical training partner would be optimal.^

‘Ha, that’s pretty cool and all, but I doubt I could find someone to train with out here though. All we have is a kid’s karate teacher over on Main Street.’

^Additionaly there is a problem, while your abilities far exceed even the apex of every known species on this planet, your body consumes Universal Energy to operate. If you continuously operate at maximum power or are damaged in any way, you will rapidly consume your reserves faster.^

‘Well shit, I really do run on batteries. So what is Universal Energy then? You haven't said anything about it.’

^I have not discussed various parts of information in the menu, like Universal Energy. However, now armed with solid data to compare to, I now know what the consumption rate is. Additionally, Universal Energy is the source of all matter in this universe. In your Status, you have the amount of Universal Energy you contain within your body, which is currently now sixty-four points of energy after this period of testing.^

‘Ummm….ok? So how do I get more of it?’

^That is unknown at this time, reviewing the little data contained within your memories and this “smartphone,” this planet's primary sentient species do not have the technological capability to harness Universal Energy.^

‘And what happens if I run out of Universal Energy?’

^The body functions under my management that sustains your existence will cease functioning, starting from the lowest to the highest priority, causing your body to deteriorate^

‘That's bad right?’

^Indeed, Alex, you must find an alternative energy source for your continued survival.^

‘And how long do I have until I run out of this Universal Energy?’

^Approximatly four years and 6 months before the beginning stages of deterioration begin^

A pang of fear strikes my now nonexistent heart, ‘shit, I'm going to die…again?’

‘Hey, ANNA, is there really no way I can get more Universal Energy?’

^The situation truly seems dire, doesn't it, Alex? I propose either building a device to harness Universal Energy or discovering an unknown alternative.^

‘Wait wait wait, you want me to BUILD a device to harness energy nobody has discovered on earth before? That’s a bit of a tall order.^

^That is, unfortunately, the reality of your situation Alex. However, noting your species' lack of intelligence, the probability of discovering an alternative power source would be the more realistic answer.^

‘You know, I don't know how I feel about you shitting on my "species" all the time.’

^I am incapable of defecating, Alex^

‘...... it's a….just forget it.’

A light bulb goes off in my head. My best answer to the problem was so obvious that I had to laugh at myself.

‘Well, ANNA, would be going to college assist in obtaining knowledge on how to find a new alternative energy source?’

^Indeed, Alex, however, the knowledge you learn at college is already based on known information. You could not learn new information there, you are simply learning what is already known. Regardless it is the only answer available, and perhaps personal connections will yield results.^

‘Well, there’s some hope. I can keep training during the summer until school starts. I also still have some other more immediate problems I need to figure out first.’

‘Let's head back home.’

Along the way, I continued asking myself how I would adapt to my new life. Although the energy thing was pretty worrying, I couldn’t really do much about it now.

ANNA informed me that it was possible to detect other forms of energy that would be suitable as long as I was close enough, so that can be a somewhat passive mission for now, as I have no alternative.

My current concern was my lack of clothes. I had plumb blown most of it off my body, leaving me with barely my underwear and shredded jean hoochie shorts, and an ass cheek hanging out.

My boots seemed to be holding up a little better, but the one crash landing and the other two intentional ones had them drenched in the mud with the soles almost ripped off, flapping with every step.

‘Hey ANNA, I'm just starting to realize something, but I kinda get why all those superheroes in books and movies have special outfits. Their clothes get blown off their bodies if they’re not strong enough. Do you have any suggestions?’

^I do not have access to all available known materials on this planet. However, Kevlar, Dyneema, and a mix of other hard surface materials in non-jointed areas on your body would be preferable.^

‘Uh, I’m not sure if you are aware, but I’m broke. I am pretty sure that stuff is expensive.’

^If it is not possible to procure material for your self-protection through normal trade channels, then you must rely on a tactical acquisition Alex.^

‘You mean stealing? I can't do that kinda thing.’

^Your abilities make it rather feasible to conduct such operations do they not? It is illogical to not make your survival a priority, above all else.^

‘Let's just get home first, and I’ll look some stuff up online. I also need to talk to Derek, he hasn't sent me a message or called since the fire. I hope he is ok.’