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Redneck RPG
Chapter 6: Ridiculousness

Chapter 6: Ridiculousness

‘Wait a minute…’

“Hey, ANNA, if I can punch through a tree, couldn't I also run way faster than anybody else?”

^Simple logic would dictate that to be an accurate assessment.^

“You don't have to be a dick about it you know.”

^Apologies Alex, I simply was agreeing with your observation.^

“Riiight.”

‘I'm going to need to find my Dad's property map and look for somewhere secluded for testing stuff out.’

^That is unnecessary. I have already located a suitable testing area.^

“WHAT,”…You can hear my thoughts?’

^Of course, speaking through your vocal cords is inefficient and ill-advised for covert operations. I am located in the central regions of your brain and transmit electrical signals to simulate sound. However, you may communicate with me internally or externally.^

‘In my brain? I mean, I figured it was, but to hear you say it is just…So….so you can you hear me all the time?’

^Correct, I record and observe all data surrounding you at all times. Judging from your reaction, this makes you uncomfortable. Please remember, Alex, I am a machine. While I am always operating in the background, you may turn on or off “ASSIST” at any time.^

‘Why didn't you say anything before?’

^I simply deemed you were more comfortable communicating in this manner. The more I interact with you, the more I learn about your unique preferences.^

‘Uh ok, it's still creepy though, so anyways, where is this testing area?’

^According to satellite imagery, it is not a far distance. I will activate your navigation HUD.^

A game-like display shows in my vision showing a small mini-map in the top right corner and a faint yellow light striking out onto the ground that turns sharply left through the wood line.

‘Whoa, what is this? And hold up, you can connect to satellites too?’

^This is your visual assistant navigation aid, but, you are most familiar with a HUD from video games according to the data located in your memories.^

‘It kinda reminds me of a racecar game HUD. It has speed and some other details here…’

^Correct, this is the most suitable format. However, you may change what is displayed at any time, like weather, fauna, and combatant information. Additionally, there is a summary of your overall health.^

‘Hmm that's pretty handy, Ok, and what about you connecting to satellites?’

^I am connecting to satellite data through the device you call a “Smart Phone” located in your pocket. However, it is not very smart, and the bandwidth is abysmal^

“NO! It's a prepaid!!!”

^Apologies Alex. Please seek an alternative interface device in the future.^

“Goddamnit, that was just a spare cell since I lost my regular one in the fire. You probably used up all my data for the month. Haaaa… never mind, let's just go.”

I was about 30 minutes away from the location, and while walking through the woods to get there, I thought about everything that had happened to me and asked myself some hard questions.

How am I going to keep this a secret? What happens if I get caught? Can I even be caught if I’m a walking talking weapon?

I then imagine what my parents would say if they found out, I doubt they could accept their son who turned into some mechanical bionic freak. It's not like I can just walk into a hospital now and check to see exactly what part of me is still human.

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‘Yeah, somebody will notice me for sure if I do that, and what about metal detectors? What am I even made out of now?’

^Alex, I have been collecting data on that very question, I have a crude answer for you regarding your physical composition. Would you like a report?^

‘I'm a little scared to know but…go ahead.’

^Yes, Your body appears to be made up of a combination of organic material which I conclude is your original body primarily your brain, parts of your digestive tract, and some of your reproductive organs. The rest is an unknown synthetic material harboring nanites that I receive my data from.^

My brain froze. I only heard one part of what ANNA said to me at that moment.

Panicked, I rip down my pants quickly inspecting my gear.

‘Are you sure ANNA? it looks normal to me.’

^If you are referring to your reproductive organs, it appears only one testicle is organic.^

I think I blacked out a little bit, I remember ANNA saying other things but I can't remember them as I stumble through the forest.

‘Yeah everything is fine, I mean the girls nowadays are into this kinda thing… right?’

^If you are concerned about your capacity to attract and satisfy females, the enhanced features I believe are more than adequate to compensate for the loss of your original organic genitalia.^

‘Dude just stop, don't start telling me I can make it bigger like some of those stupid perverted books online.’

^Knowing one's capabilities is at the essence of survival, Alex.’

‘....Will talk about it later.’

After some time, according to the HUD in my eyes, I approached the area and made a firm resolution to myself.

‘ANNA, nobody can find out about me being not exactly all human anymore, ok?’

^That would be a wise decision Alex. I will strive to remind you in the event you may unintentionally compromise yourself.^

‘Thanks.’

Approaching the testing area ANNA has picked out for me, I start to look around. There seems to be an oval-shaped natural clearing about the length of a football field with a large standing boulder in the middle and a few outlying smaller ones.

The closer I get, the more wildlife I seem to scare off with my foreign presence as I watch a few deer stare at me and then scurry off back into the woodline.

‘Ok ANNA, we are here. Now what.’

^First, locate the longest, most level area free of obstructions to run, and I will calculate the distance and time based on satellite telemetry. This test should provide accurate readings.^

Walking around a bit, I find a path that I believe to be the best place to run in a straight line.

‘Alright, I'm ready.’

^Get into a sprinting stance. I will start a timer, and upon GO, run as fast as your body allows.^

Positioning myself, I lean in low with my eyes facing forward, seeing digits display in my HUD.

^...3…2…1..GO^

Then It happened. I ran through a tree, and my feet left the ground.

*BOOOM*

A noise that sounded like a bomb went off. Before I could even process it, I was flying and tumbling through the air.

“AHHHH! HOOOOLY SHIIIIT!!!

Tumbling, I see trees rapidly approaching my face.

*CRAAAASH*...*BANG*...*BOOM*...*SMACK*

^......^

“uuumppff”

Groaning and sprawled out on the ground at the base of a tree face down, my mouth filled with, well… everything, tasting leaves, trees, and earth.

After properly excavating my mouth, I yell, “ANNA! WHAT. THE. HELL!”

^U..umm..… I am sorry, Alex. It seems even my best estimations of your body capacities were significantly inadequate.^

“Um? UMMMMM? What do you mean, UM? Look at me! Im fucking naked again! Jesus Christ!”

Turning around, pissed off, I see the devastation. “And look at the damn forest. It looks like a goddamn tornado wrecked it!”

Shaking my head, “Did we at least get the damn data?”

^Yes, you temporarily traveled four hundred and thirteen miles per hour or six hundred and six feet per second. I do not have the exact figure because of environmental factors, but your legs produce roughly fifteen thousand Joules of energy.^

“Four Hun…” I'm at a loss for words at this point. The ridiculousness so far was too ridiculous. How does a living thing travel that fast or be that powerful? It was too much.

^Theoretically you should be able to also jump four hundred thirty-four feet. As you have survived crashing through several trees at a velocity of over four hundred miles per hour, your chances of survival from a terminal velocity fall through the atmosphere of this planet is one hundred percent.^

‘So I’m bulletproof, basically.’

^Negative, your body did sustain microdamage during the test. Blunt damage will be effectively negated, but a bullet from close range out of a large rifle can still penetrate your skin. However, if it is lethal, I can not estimate it as there is insufficient data.^

‘So what about my arms?’

^Yes, please return to the test area.^