1975th Year, 1st Day

I came to my senses slowly. It was almost as if I had been asleep, and then slowly opened my eyes to awareness. Except all my memories were contrary to that, in neither of my recent ones was I asleep. It was strange, my head was telling me that I had never been asleep but at the same time it was saying that the only explanation of my feelings were if I had been asleep.

In one set I was standing in front of…something? Talking to someone and I was angry, even though I knew I didn’t show it. In fact it was that indifference that encouraged that person to…to…what? I didn’t know? Then many persons…I mean people, and I was standing with them. Wait. Why wasn’t standing? No I was definitely standing…but I am currently sitting…why did I think that I was standing?

Pain and confusion filled my head again, but it subsided after a few moments and I could think a bit more clearly. I immediately tried to analyze what had happened to me. I went through a serious of steps and processes that felt well practiced familiar and completely alien at the same time.

Part of me, felt the joy of discovery when I realized how organized and easy to think the mysterious process was making things. To the other part of me, the processes felt old hat comfortable. Needless to say both parts felt confusion that the other felt that way.

It was almost as there were at least two sets of me. Since that is obviously impossible and more elucidated deduction would be to say, there was still just one me like always but that one me had two sets of somewhat different memories.

One felt mostly more fresh and clear…the other felt…older…shall I say? But definite stronger. One younger and clearer easier to recall. And the other older, stronger and more forceful? But no major details were forthcoming. Strangely, part of the reason the older one felt stronger was because part of it seemed to…line up…no sort of overlap?

Yes, the older memories seemed to share the same events as the younger ones, though those events like I said were ‘old’ and thus tarnished and faded by that age.

At some indefinite point after this eerie overlap things differed but as I couldn’t see that point, and neither could I see some of the minute differences between old and new where it overlapped…for everytime I tried my head would begin to hurt to the point where it disrupted my thoughts.

However I was able to figure out a little. Basically so far the most clear was my most ‘recent’ memories…or what had happened to me before this strange affliction…Struck me?

I would have said that the memories I was making right now were the most clear if it hadn’t been for the pain and confusion muddling things up. So back to my conclusion.

With my more recent memories, like everything else it strangely came in two sets.

In one set, I had done the same things I had always done, woke up did my usual morning care and then after a brief period of spiritual refreshment I had walked to school.

The current speaker had glared at me, as I had been a bit late, but as they hadn’t started yet they couldn’t say anything so I had just sat in my usual corner, while ignoring the silly distractions and commotion of the more rambunctious other children as usual.

In the other, besides the memories of the same thing as the first set except degraded by age and missing a few of the smaller details, and having a few altered or ‘added’ additions whilst being filled with an odd nostalgia that the first definitely did not have it also…

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Ow, I grabbed my head with both of my hands. It had suddenly started throbbing in pain. I don’t know exactly what details the ‘other memories’ had beyond the points I already mentioned. But I knew with a solid sentiment too clear to be false that I wasn’t hallucinating them.

Not just my feelings but the rest of me agreed on this point the ‘other’ memories definitely existed, they were too strong for me to think otherwise. The fact that everytime I managed to think of them, I felt a great deal of pain and confusion, didn’t lessen the case…but rather even strengthened it.

Trying to subvert whatever was blocking me from the memories I tried to push past the pain and confusion to focus on just the emotions and feelings of those hidden memories. To my satisfaction I eventually succeeded in puzzling them out…

In the most ‘recent’ part of those memories…it seems I felt a great deal of sadness...hate…and also surprise…no shock….maybe?

I am not sure, for as soon as I tried for the details, it started to feel as if my head was going to explode. It was a pain many times worse than the others I had experienced so far. I held my head tighter, and patiently waited it out.

As expected, no one asked me if something was wrong. According to both sides of my memories, it was not uncommon for me to experience pain, but it was uncommon for someone to comfort me about it, and I didn’t expect them to, except for maybe…ow.

Anyway as I was saying, I also didn’t expect them to.  However I knew by the shame bubbling in my heart that though feeling the pain was to be expected, it was a bit uncommon for me to react to it so obviously. As soon as I held the thought, I brought my hands off my head and into my lap. I was sitting crossed legged on the floor like the other children. And my little hands looked startling white against my black pants.

I had been wearing black gloves, and had removed them at some point before now…I am not sure when…maybe it was during that period when my mind had…fell asleep? But can sleep happen so quickly and take place only in a few seconds? For I am almost certain that not much time has passed at all…since my experience...Happened.

Never mind, what I can’t understand or come to understand is unimportant, what is interesting however is what I feel when I look at my hands.

Shock, surprise, confusion, to name a few of my well mixed feelings. For some reason when I look at my childish hands, hands that were thinner than the other children, but still, like theirs, held a hint of soft baby fat, I felt most odd.

I eventually, after a few moments of thought came to the realization of the source of the odd part, I was thinking of my hands as childish. Would a child think of their own hands as childish? I glanced at the other kids from the corners of my eye, most of them had their gloves still on, and none of them were looking at their hands in confusion.

Was I the only one surprised that such hands as mine existed? I continually studied them every few seconds, turning them in different directions and clenching them several times to see if they worked properly. After only a few moments of studying my hands, I was interrupted.