So I took the metaphorical pill.

"Alright. Now, we really play."

"What, Barry?"

"I mean. Right. Are you ready? You'll get your scoresheet in a moment which you'll be able to check at any time, and—"

"I don't have a keyboard."

"What?"

"I don't have any arms, or fingers, or hands, or eyes, or a fucking keyboard, Barry."

"LOL."

"Did you just say ‘lohl’? You said L-O-L as ‘lohl’?"

"Yeah. LOLOLOL. Now listen up —"

"That's not how it's pronounced, it's — "

"When I said 'listen up' I also meant 'shut up'. Now fuck up, Jamie. You'll be back in-game, I mean, back on Earth in a minute. And you won't need a keyboard or any of that crap. Now, do you want to make any modifications to your avatar?"

"Modifications? Like... what?"

"You know, to your body. Taller, stronger, sexier..."

"What can I change?"

"Roll what you want, dude."

"OK then. I want my right arm to be, like, a fucking laser. And— "

"A laser?"

"Yeah. Like shooting laser beams and shit."

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"Like the pointers you get on a keychain?"

"Yeah but like a billion times stronger. And then my left arm, that's gotta be, like, a katana. A razor sharp katana. No wait, a laser sharp katana with actual lasers on it. Yeah, that’s it, a laser-sharp laser katana, a super-powerful laser gun, and like... a twenty inch dick."

"Why not thirty inch?"

"Good point. Thirty six inches of pleasure for the ladies. And —"

"Let me stop you just there for a moment. I'm going to roll you out into the world real quick —"

"Roll me out? I'm not ready. I also want to change my, you know... muscles. And race. And class. And—"

"Yeah. Right. Anyway, you're going back in now. I'm putting you on an uninhabited island somewhere near Ascension."

"Wait, what? No, no, no, I mean, I’m not ready, and I want to ch—"

Everything went...

...

...

... bright. Because I'd appeared on a rocky, bird-shit covered, barren desert island that was too hot, too windy, and too—

"Fuuuuuuuck!" was what I said.

That's what happens when your three foot dick falls on top of a pile of bird shit.

And then your right arm snaps in half because it has a giant fucking laser cannon attached to it. Turns out that lasers ‘a billion times more powerful than a keychain laser’ are freakin’ heavy.

And then, of course, I did the exact same thing you'd do if your right arm snapped off. I instinctively swung my left arm over so I could grab the painful bit with my hand. But I didn't have a hand. Instead I had a stupid laser-sharp samurai-sword arm.

Whoosh.

Whee.

Whip.

Slice.

Slap. Thud.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" was what I screamed. You would too if you chopped off your brand new three foot dick with your brand new samurai sword with laser-pointer attachments arm.

I fell over onto the coral island. The sun burned into my eyes like a bitch with a laser and a javelin of fire (+8 fire damage). It took about... I'd say... eight minutes until I bled out. But I tell you, eight minutes on a bird-shit covered coral island in the middle of the South Atlantic is enough for a lifetime.

Oh, and a three foot dick is really a bit too much of a good thing. Especially when it’s chopped off, you’re arcing blood all over your face, and a curious bird starts pecking at your meat.

And replacing your arms with weapons? Well, there's a reason most able-bodied people aren't going around hacking off limbs to replace them with robotic attachments. Not yet, anyways.

So that was how I died twice in one day. Once in the real world, and once again in what I came to know as the Real Real World.

But that was only the freakin’ beginning.