“Lately, I’ve been very much afraid of things. For some reason, that confidence I had when facing the fight isn’t there anymore. For some reason, I feel constricted. Unable to breathe. I haven’t been able to sleep well. Is this the cost of that?”

- Excerpt from Lieutenant Hans Hoffman’s Journal Entries.

+++

+++ Lieutenant Hans Hoffman +++

Unknown

Hans…

Was walking alone in the darkness.

What?

He didn’t know where he was. Nor did he know why he was here. Quite frankly, he vaguely even remembered what he was doing moments ago. But he was here. Again. This…darkened place. He had seen this place many times…he remembered. Ever since…since everything that happened there.

Always trapped in this place.

In this…almost maze-like purgatory.

Hans didn’t really feel himself to be in the right. Everything…it felt wrong. As if all of this was just a mere fixture of his mind. But he was here. And that…that tugging feeling, of wanting nothing to run. It was building up inside. Run. He needed to run.

Run.

And he did. Running. Running as the black mist that consumed everything around him parted away. Running as he emerged through a familiar forest. A forest that he knew many times more than he’d have wanted to. He continued running though, even when he ran out of breath. Even when he…

He dropped to the green grass, panting to himself.

Why?

Where…where am I?

What’s…

He looked up.

It was Adelyn’s Wanderadler, parked at a weird angle. He looked up further, on its front chassis…and it was damaged. Cracked open, its hatch…

He remembered.

He remembered that night…

Shakingly, he stood up and inspected it. He climbed up the chassis of her mech, even if he wanted nothing more than to continue running away, and he looked down on the wide-opened, bloodied hatch.

Alizée…and Adelyn.

Shame…horror…and sickening despair…it all consumed him…

He looked behind and faced that same creature, staring at him with hate-filled yellow eyes. Its tails still carried Alizée’s and Adelyn’s detached heads.

Is this…

No…

Is this what I’ll be facing from now on?

He didn’t want to be in this hell.

It continued staring at him, as his ears were assaulted by the gradually deafening screams of Alizée and Adelyn. Their screams had been seared into his mind. Screams from his failures at protecting them from that thing. A thing that he could meet again.

Then…his own screams…

+++

Hans woke up from his bed, hyperventilating deeply. It was all dark, and he felt extremely dizzy, confused, and off-balance, but he stood up in panic, still trying to chase his own breaths. Water, he needed water. He fumbled through his table, searching for his glasses, but he couldn’t find them.

Water.

Damn it…he needed water.

Almost collapsing, Hans frantically opened his door and rushed outside through the hallways. He couldn’t breathe…worse, he couldn’t even see his steps, as he rushed through the church’s darkly-lit hallways. Worse, he even felt as if something was chasing him, as he rushed down through the stairs, still searching for water. Anything. Anything that would remove whatever was choking him.

That was when he felt himself stopped, pulled by someone.

“Lieutenant! Snap out of it!”

That one command, and immediately, Hans stopped. His well-drilled instincts as a soldier kicked in, and his hyperventilations ended. Hell, he almost stood firm in attention due to the commanding voice of the woman who said it.

All it took was that, and he was back to his senses.

He took deeper breaths as he steadied himself.

“What…the hell just…happened to me?”

“Lieutenant,” he suddenly felt someone pat his back. He looked down, and of course…it was her. Blonde hair, that green eyes…and her faint halo lighting the darkness ever so slightly. Hans gulped.

“I…I apologize, Captain. I don’t know what happened to me,” he shook his head. “Gee…I didn’t know bedtime nightmares can still get me nowadays.”

“Lieutenant…”

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He continued laughing nervously. “That was weird. Very weird.”

“Lieutenant,” her stern and firm voice once again snapped Hans back to her. “Lieutenant, do you need something right now?”

Well, his throat was very dry, and he still felt as if he had run an entire mile just moments ago.

“...Water.”

She slowly nodded.

“Please…wait here.”

“Okay…”

What the hell is happening to me?

+++

Water was a strange thing, Hans thought.

Quite frankly, the Confederacy Army’s logistical capabilities were quite great, especially for someone like him. Being an officer, water was perhaps the lowest of the things he ever had a problem obtaining. If he wanted water, there was usually always water. He always imagined that unless he found himself in an actual death scenario, he would never be worried about water.

And so, he had always found water as a resource that he could just have at a moment's notice. Rarely ever special. Just another thing to deal with each day. Not exactly something to be enjoyed.

Well, this time, he definitely enjoyed it. This wasn’t just thirst. Holy hell…water really tasted damned good right now. As if it was washing every bad thing inside of him and telling him, “It’s all good now!”

He drank more and more, even with Adelyn silently mumbling “Slow down” in the background. No, he needed more. He really felt like he ran a goddamned mile just there.

He placed the cup on the table.

“Well that was good,” Hans said.

He turned around to Adelyn, who only stared at him with that concerned expression of hers.

“Lieutenant,” Adelyn said. “Do you need anything else?”

“Nah, I’m good. I think I just needed sleep…”

“Yeah…” she pointed at his eyes. “Look at those eye bags. You definitely do.”

“Eyebags?” He swore…well…no, actually, ever since they left those two villages, he definitely wasn’t falling asleep well. Yesterday, for some reason, he didn’t sleep well either. Today, well, he had that thing in his mind again. If only he knew that he’d end up in another world!

Damn it I would have packed some sleeping pills.

He shook his head. “Well, I guess I really do need more shuteye.”

“The question is, can you get a shuteye?”

Hans scoffed. “Of course I do.”

“That so?” She tilted his head. “Liar.”

“Look, when a soldier needs sleep, he can sleep anywhere. I can sleep like a log when I need to. Clearly, right now, I’m well rested, which is why I struggle to sleep.”

“You can keep telling yourself that, Lieutenant, even if you don’t even sound convinced of yourself.”

“Fine, what am I supposed to say? I get nightmares about bed monsters?”

“Well, that could be a plausible explanation. Do you need a fairy or an exorcism in your room? Maybe Father Olbrich can arrange something.”

“First of all, aren’t churches supposed to be immune to evil spirits? Second, why is a fairy involved in all these? They’re a worse nightmare. Third, I would probably prefer a bad spirit on my side than whatever the hell I saw.”

Adelyn sighed. “...Lieutenant, what did you see?”

“Look…it’s not—”

“I get it, ‘It’s not your business’, blah blah blah.” She shook her head. “I’ve said it before, and I’ve said it again. All men under E Company are under my care, and their issues are my issues, if they want to, of course. Do you want to say anything?”

“...No.”

She only stared at him for a while.

“I understand,” she stood up and took a cup of water for herself. Adelyn didn’t really trust the water of this place, so she took the water from the wells and treated it with their survival water purifier tablets. Imperfect, but they both knew that outside of brewed beverages, well…this was the past. They didn’t want whatever horrors they could face in the event of that. Bloody diarrhea was better left in the realm of history books than them experiencing it.

Luckily, both Hans and Adelyn had survival kits in their vehicles. There was a lot of genuine fear of nuclear armageddon after all. And that included enough water-purifying tablets that could probably last them a year or two in this situation.

She poured the water she treated into the cup and drank it.

Placing it down, she looked back at Hans. “Are you sure you’ll be alright up there?”

“Yeah,” Hans nodded, even if he was unsure. “Yeah, I’m sure I will. It’s just a one-off thing, really. Guess I just got way too comfortable on the bed, and…well, this happens. But, that’s just a part of being a soldier…I guess…”

“Lieutenant…I know your history in E Company. Sure, I do not know everything that happened, but I know what happened to 1st Platoon and how it ‘changed’ since E Company first fought on the frontlines. And Lieutenant, I know what soldiers go through after they go through ‘that’.”

“Look…” Hans said. “You’re no psychologist, and definitely not a therapist. Plus, I’m technically broke.”

“Why the hell did paying me even come to your mind?”

“Err, well—”

“And I’m not trying to diagnose you of anything. But I’m still concerned. Look, you’re the last man of E Company in my presence at the moment. I have a right to be concerned. Regardless of how we lie to each other, in this damned world, you and I know that your well-being is my interest.”

“I know…I know, look, I’ll manage, Captain. None of this will affect my combat performance. I think you can still count on me.”

“...Even then, it’s not just about that. I don’t like it when people around me go through this.”

“Captain, not everything is your problem,” Hans replied.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll run from other people’s problems when I can deal with it. But up to you Lieutenant. If you think you need space for now…have it. Take your time. Just…I’ve said this again and again that if you need to talk about it…”

“Your ears are open.”

“Good to know you’re remembering my words well.”

“Of course I will,” Hans said. “Your words are my standing orders, Captain…”

“Exactly. But…of course, know that it’s okay if you want to keep it to yourself. But…look, sometimes, you need someone to listen to you venting it all out. It’ll make you feel better at times.”

“I know.”

“That’s all really. Have a good evening, Lieutenant.”

She gave him a gentle pat on the back and climbed upstairs.

That…that’s the pinnacle of shameful display.

He could only breathe out in shame. What the hell was he thinking? Acting like that in front of his commanding officer? Damn it…he really needed to straighten his damned self back into proper discipline. This was all getting out of hand. So what if he died? So what if his mind was possibly scarred?

He was a soldier of the Confederacy, still serving his country, and as an extension, serving under her. This…would drive his damned combat efficiency down, and now, his own commanding officer just watched him suffer something like that. Now, she was probably second-guessing his combat capabilities.

Plus, his ego was hit again. Looking like that to her…

Damn it…this is the worst…

He rushed back to that container of water she treated and poured it into his cup. He really needed that damned water.

Still…

Even if he didn’t manage to say anything to her, Hans felt a bit better with her small pep-talk.

Yeah…he could probably sleep tonight better for the preparations tomorrow.

Probably.