- Prologue -
My name is Farbrian Lesalim Kishien. Yes, indeed. I get that alot. Such an absurd name in this modern Age and I got bullied alot by holding this name. I was born in February, and I have lived 29 years of my life by now.
Due to the circumtances, I avoid the crowd as I can. I dislike being talked behind my back, hearing people satirizing me because of my birth's name given by my parents, or even my failures in this life.
The name itself, given by my biological father who passed away when I turned 6 due to his kind of work which involved the great sea, and my mother who still lives until today. From then, after he passed away, without any brother nor sister, My mother and I passed through everything that happened, happens, and may happen to us with everything we had... and everything we can.
And here I am, sitting here. In this empty hall, filled mostly with white color. Either it was intended to impress anyone who came here, or to confuse them. My whole body wet, including all of my clothes. From head to toes, I am wet as fuck. I see someone on the far-end of the room between the 2 pillars, and some throne like stuff. I feel resentment within me. Do I resent that person? Do I resent myself? Do I resent the people who bullied me? or even, Do I resent everything?
The person just stand there, below his/her throne. Like that person is giving me some time to catch by breath. My sight does a bit blocked by the wet hair of mine. But my resentment felt heavier than the urge to wipe face with my hand and whip my hair back to get a better sight. But for now, let's rewind back a little bit about things that happened before I got here.
--
(Flashback)
In this life, despite the bullies and insults I received, as well as on and by my own mother, I keep on trying with everything I have. The efforts I put on each of my struggles are maximized. This body that I have, overworked to its limits everyday with only 2 or 3 hours rests. This brain and mind of mine, spinned to the limit of its max speed as well to think about every possible way to have a better output for me and my Family. But...despite everything I have done, learnt and tried...I always failed.
Perhaps is it because I wanted affection?
Or Maybe is it because I just purely want to see my Mother's smiled in proud?
I don't know...No. To be precise, I don't even realized it from the start. Why did I try so hard?
Be it is because of the seniors who disliked me at work and pointed any mistakes which I didn't even do everytime despite the contributions I have ever given to the company.
Be it because those ambisive bitchy women who can never do their work properly and always get a get out by flirting, put a blame on someone, or even entraped anyone to do their work and get away from any troubles or problems they caused.
Be it because someone, something, or even anything! I always ended up as a failure and getting kicked out from anywhere.
People kept on talking about my failure. To mock, to spit, or even to annoy me everywhere I walked. But I neglect their words. And I always walk my way to home in silence. But sometimes, my mother...take those words to her heart and influenced her.
There are times when she almost commited a suicide because of the neighbor's getting over boarded by badmouthing me infront of my mom. Sometimes, she also asked for some loans from the neighbors due to my low incomes and always getting kicked out eventually by a company.
There are also time, when she was influenced by those neighbors...She began insulting her own only son who never rest in trying to make her happy...
To make her proud of me...To be happy, with me.
She got blinded by those emotions which built up due to the direct insults from those neighbors on her about me, her Son of Failure. She forgot that her son here, never once expected or even wanted to be failed as well.
It does hurt. My heart felt like sliced by scissors, stabbed by needles, and crushed with palm of a man's hand at the same time when it happened. Everytime she did that, I always on my knees and head down in silence. Never once an anger built within me after anything or anywords were thrown at me. I am just simply holding my heart from my chest, grasping it to reduce the pain I felt inside feom the outside. Casted down my eyes. But always, even though I am not crying, tears always rained down from both of my eyes.
Everytime, I convinced myself, that she was just tired, and need to let some steam off so she can be okay by the next day. So I always, hold it in. Everytime she's done with it, she always sit there silently crying. And I always get back up when she's at it to the the chores. Be it cleaning, re-arranging the house or the mess, even cooking our foods. Never once, I received a sorry from her. Well...I don't even need that anyway. She's the one who give birth to me, why should I resent her?
But, everytime she saw my eyes swollen in red, knowing that I am as well crying in my silence hearing her ranting or throwing things at me, she always started crying again and ran to her room. So sometimes, I go to the bathroom to wash my face first before doing the chores and faced her.
Next, we still have siblings. Cousins, Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, anything, I still have them.
Yeah, you may think because they are my Family, related by blood because of My mother's blood runs in my vessel, they would support me? like at least mentally?
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
No. They are the worst. They are the ones who killed me from the inside slowly. Influencing my mom to have some grudges or regrets for having me. They do know well how my mother's Characteristic is. And they do know well, how much I have tried in everything.
They are always showing off their success. Ranting down their insults toward me through my mom with the loudest voice that they could to make sure I heard them as well. Insults by insults, mocks by mocks, everytime they did those when they visits our house or on yearly ocassion like new year's where the whole family grouped together.
Is that how a Family should act to their members?
Crushing down the mentals of them who failed while trying their best?
Killing the will of the ones who pushed themselves forward to the limits everyday, every seconds, just to have a better life for their family?
All I did was for THEM!!
Despite the failures I have. They should be looking down on ME!! Just ME!!
They should have consorting my mother to keep on thriving forward. To keep her spirit up. To keep her sanities in check. But why...?
For just once...
In my life...
I want to be like them, who walked home everyday and greeted by their parents warmly.
Just for once, I want to hear the words that she is proud of me.
Just for once, I want her to thanked me for never stopped trying.
Just for once, I wanted her to smile and hug me, as her son.
Just for once, I wanted to feel, that I am wanted by my own only parent that I have left.
I guess, that's how I found out why, I did try so hard in this life until now.
I think, I began to resent this harsh world from there.
That time, while my mind were drown thinking over the pasts, I was walking home from my job interviews. I walked with my own feet due I can not afford to spent any more money for such taxi or subway.
I walked the stores, the sideroads, until I finally need to cross a large bridge which connected 2 different small islands together with a highway and pedestrian's accesses on both sides. The pedestrian's accesses are never crowded, or even almost no one is using them anymore. I kept on walking with briefcase which full of my rejected applications and CV. until I saw a girl who standing on the side fence of the bridge like attempting to kill herself by jumping. No one else's nearby expect cars and bikes from the highway. I spotted her, and immidiately run towards her.
As she jumped, I'm able to get a grab of her smooth skin arm. she shocked and turned her head back toward me. My right foot which I used as main stance to hold the force which will pulled me down, stepped on some empty snack's plastic pack. As the force started to kicked in, I slipped because of that and fell together with the girl. I saw tears on her eyes within her shock of my sudden presence.
In that mid-air moment, I do realize I will die at that moment due to the height of the bridge. I instinctively grab the back of her head with my right hand, her waist with my left hand, pulled her into me and hug her close and tight. Then, I turned my body in that mid-air so that made the girl be ontop of me to reduce the pain she may felt from the impact. I can feel her hands hugged me back closely as we fell from the heigth, to our demise.
--
(back to present)
My resentment getting higher as I recalled everything. I stand up from there. Walking toward the person whose been waiting for me to catch up my breath.
"De-",
"Wait, Stop.", I cutted in as raising my left hand up.
I can recognize the voice of the speaker as a female. She still stands there in silence as I keep on walking to her direction.
"Were you about to welcomed me?", I asked while walking with my heads still casted down to the floor.
"Yes.", She replied.
"Were you the one who take me here?", I asked again as I am getting nearer to her.
"Yes..", She replied.
As I reached myself infront of her, I grabbed her clothes with my right hand, grasped it hardly and pulling her face directly infront of my face.
"ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A GOD?!", I yelled out loud infront of her letting out my anger.
I can see her beauty is unparalleled to any woman I have ever met, even to my mom. She grabs my arm which holding her neckside clothes with her both of her hands gently not a sign of fighting back felt from her hand.
"Yes..", She answered my question again.
"YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!"
"ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU ARE SAVING ME BY DOING THIS?!!", I asked again by yelling out loud on her face. On that moment, For the first time, I started crying for the first time as I let out my emotions toward this girl who happened to be a Goddess.
"Yes...", She answered again.
I who heard that answer, released my grasp, and fell to the floor on my knees with hands against the floor holding my upperbody so I wont hit the floor with my face.
"FFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK!!!!", I screamed as hard as I can on the floor infront of her.
"WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME NOW?!"
"WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST?!"
"I COULD HAVE SAVED MY MOM FROM THOSE...FROM THOSE INSULTS...JUST...IF YOU help me sooner..", I whined with screams and eventually bowed down and kissed the floor with my forehead and my both hands holding my chest with their arms tightly as my heart felt an immense pain from burning with rage and anger.
"She..could have been happy if you did...she could have smiled at me everytime..she could...she could have proud on me by now.."
"Just why, NOW?! Why not back then when WE NEED you?!", I cried and whine hardly.
"...", She remained in silence, bowed down to her knees and reached for my head with both of her hands.
She pulled my head gently to her laps, while constantly rubbing my head like a mother consorting her child, and I'm still there, ranting, whining, and crying.
"Do you know, what will she do if she know I'm Dead?! She will have killed herself!!"
"I am the only one she had that always beside her.."
"Do you..do you think...All what I have ever did.."
"Just to Ended like this?!"
"To see her doing a suicide as A spirit?!", I pulled my head in anger, raising my head so I can see her face answering my ranting.
Once I set my sight higher and see her face, I was shocked in silence. I saw her crying, tearing down her tears from her eyes.
As I see her crying, she shoved her body forward with her both hands opened reaching for my head again. And hugged me in her arms warmly. her left hand holding my head against her upper chest. Her right hand rubbing my back like a mother consorting her child. and on my head, I can feel the drops of her tears hitting my head. I continue crying as hard as I can in her arms.
"Do you even know.. how much I wanted her to embraced me as her son like this..?", I said while I cried so hard on her embrace.