I blinked.

And it was so bright that my eyes couldn’t be opened. That is why the first thing I remember is not the scorching hot sun or the foamy blue waves, rather, it was the salty air that assaulted my nostrils. Yes, assaulted, but even that hadn’t been as scary as the sudden wave that rolled beneath my feet, bringing all kinds of scrap that got stuck in between my toes. My hand unconsciously rose towards my forehead, trying its hardest to assist my eyes in their fight against the angry, boiling sun, and barely tilting the odds in my favor.

Finally able to get a good look around my surroundings, I found myself standing on a beach. My not-so-dead feet were digging into the wet and damp sand while weird things, which I later came to identify as sea shells, were stuck between my toes, making me feel highly uncomfortable.

All of this was new to me. Oh, so very new, which is why I hope you can forgive the fact that I do not remember for how long I stood there. My mind was not able to understand what was happening, or how it was happening. But during this time, I achieved many great feats such as wiggling my toes and tripping over thin air, which resulted in me falling face first. I do, however, distinctly remember not liking that last bit.

Slowly I got used to the environment, as well as myself. And then I walked around, just looking, breathing and feeling. I stared at the endless beach on one side and at the endless ocean on the other. I felt the gritty and warm sand that wasn’t touched by the rolling waves, I also tasted the salty water that the ocean constantly offered me, not the best idea. Lastly, I glared at the angry burning ball in the sky but I didn’t win that contest, although the ball did start to mellow towards me as it inched closer to the horizon. Eventually, it was swallowed by the infinite blue, which I took as my victory, but that feeling did not last long as I finally had a moment to sit with my thoughts.

I took a deep breath and looked around. Everything was new but as the sun vanished into the ocean, the sky had started turning darker. In that moment, I was confused. I once more had a look around my surroundings, Fascinating, and beautiful, wow, everything is so…nice. It felt good to be experiencing so many things, but there was a feeling of slow creeping coldness spreading through my body. A feeling that I wasn’t quite able to grasp at that time.

Eventually, tiny little stars started appearing in the deep sky. I allowed myself to be mesmerized by them, watching how they blinked and twinkled but eventually, that trick too stopped working and my attention was directed at the deep, dark and ominous ocean. It produced a sound that wasn’t quite as peaceful as it had once been and a feeling I had pushed down earlier sprang back up. I felt tiny, little, and all alone.

Alone standing on a beach, facing the pitch-black ocean.

I was scared.

And so, I…

…I blinked.

And I saw something beautiful.

My feet were dangling at the edge and laid out before me was a simple view of rolling grasslands, holding all the green the world had ever seen. This view, when coupled with an array of clouds above and the awakening sun at the horizon, carried a breathtaking essence within it.

Oh, did I mention that I was sitting on a branch of an enormous tree? Yeah, I know, crazy.

And surely by coincidence, at that very moment, I was hit by a cold morning breeze. My breath turned shaky, and my mind grew light. Everything felt muddled and yet clear at the same time. I felt… liberated. Free of the fears that I held a moment ago.

I had to calm myself and take a deep breath, and what I breathed out was cold vapor. Again, a new discovery. I had a lot of those going for me.

A sunrise over such a beautiful piece of land had an effect that I still fail to understand. It was enchanting, to say the least. It made life seem peaceful, calm, and soothing. My life could have been barely described with those words and yet in that very moment, time itself seemed to have come to a standstill. The soothing rays of the sunrise were so mesmerizing, and it all seemed perfect. Yes, this was it. The scene held a feeling of permeance to it that could not have been more physical.

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I think we can say that for my first sunrise, it was quite the experience, after all, it held a new beginning within it. A new day was starting, and this day might just not be as bad as the previous one, right? A day without suffering, a day without the pain, a day that wouldn’t be so pointless, or maybe, even a new life that had more… meaning.

A new beginning. One that has nothing to do with the past, and no one to cry over my every shaky breath. Yes, all of this is enough. It’s all mine. All I have to do is just never blin--

And like a bolt of lightning, it struck me and I froze. A warning, this paradise had something missing. The illusion shattered and I knew what was going to happen as the breeze turned cold, just ice cold. No more comfort in it. The sunlight, sharp and glaring.

And hence, once more I shall apologize, since again, I do not remember for how long I sat there. In my eyes, the color that the world once held was slowly being removed with every passing moment. Soon enough, the ball of fuming flames had climbed its way to the top of the world, and every now and then the clouds let it torture the world through its burning and angry gaze.

And that was precisely the moment when I…

…I blinked.

And I felt the wet pavement on my feet. It was rough and coarse, and it had small streams of water flowing through its various cracks. I heard the tittering of the drops followed by a slow shower of droplets on my head, turning my hair slightly damp and heavy.

It was raining.

Our dear almighty, high and above, bastard of a friend was nowhere in sight, yet there was a dying light in the sky, overlapped by the grey clouds, signifying the end of the day and beginning of the night.

The rain carried a particular rhythm to it. It carried an emotion, one of happiness, I think. I am guessing it was supposed to make me feel… something. It should have made me feel wonderful and delighted. It should have made me feel… desperate.

Desperate to want more, to want it forever. To never let go. Instead, it made me annoyed.

Now here’s something interesting. This time, I shall not apologize because I know precisely how long I stood there for. In barely a few minutes, my lips had grown cold and my skin wrinkled. I felt close to catching a cold, but all of this did not matter. Why? Simply because I had come to a decision, my most critical decision.

Heh, I see what’s happening here. Well, guess what… You can go and kill yourself!

And so, I…

…I fucking blinked.

And I held a plump, juicy, orange fruit in my hand.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I was thinking the same. But honestly, I didn’t care. I am sure it would have had a taste that would have been world-altering, heavenly, and oh so very magical. It would have been perfect and somehow, someway, it would have made me feel a need to stay, a need for more. It would have been… addicting.

And, so I gathered all my strength and threw it as far as I could.

And then I…

…I blinked.

And I continued blinking. I didn’t stop, I couldn’t stop.

I blinked.

I blinked.

I blinked.

And then, nothing changed.

Opening my eyes, I saw a ceiling that drained all emotions out of my mind. Completely unable to breathe, I saw the most familiar thing I had ever seen.

A hospital’s ceiling.

I was back. My brain felt lightheaded, and my body was stuck in a limbo. At the least, that’s how I felt when a sudden wave of shocking tingling sensation spread throughout my body.

Abruptly, it all came back. Like the first tide beneath my feet, it was so sudden. I remembered the feeling of sand in between my toes, the beautiful melody in the rain, and the cool breeze that relaxed every fear.

And yet now I held no sensation in my legs, and all I could hear was distorted, faint, and muddled. I understood then. The only cool feeling I would ever feel would be the Air Conditioner on the tip of my ears. Just like how it had been since ever, and just like how it will be forever.

All because I had blinked.

Blinked… Wha—why would I blink…?

A sensation of loss bore over me. It pressed down on my body, even though I knew I couldn’t feel anything, it was physically impossible and yet I knew that in that moment, I had cried. A tear opened the dam’s gate. Huh, I am crying again.

Just as the self-deprecating comment crossed my mind, one more familiar thing happened.

I heard more crying. No, not from me but perhaps from the one person who was always there, looking over my every shaky breath.

“My baby… she’s back… alive, she’s okay… thank god… back… she’s alive… my baby…”

Dad… the voice was muddled. Not just because of my bad hearing but perhaps also because of the tears that kept flowing between his prayers.

The tips of my ears went searing hot. No, I can’t cry… not in front of Dad, if I cry, then he won’t feel good, I need to be strong. I need to be strong for him. And yet, my tears couldn’t stop. I tried, I swear I tried my hardest to be strong for my father, but I couldn’t do it.

And so, there we were, daughter and father, crying together. One with confusion and one with relief. I did not understand what was happening, on one hand, I felt a loss so unbearable yet a small, more important part of me didn’t care. All it wanted was just not to cry in front of Dad. It was ironic, but perhaps also significant. Why was it that after experiencing everything I had ever desired, right now in this moment, instead of feeling sad, I feel embarrassed?

God damn it! Stop! Don’t cry!

I tried, I swear I tried my hardest to be strong for my father, but I couldn’t do it.

And so I cried… a lot.