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"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
― Kahlil G.
River knew missing family Christmas and New Year's will bury her in a debt of favor that will push her to send money away as a solution to compensate for her absence. She preferred to make do with giving away cash as a trade-off over the emotional rollercoaster of nostalgia that comes with family holidays. Brother's birthday? Send them money. Halloween? Send them money. She will do just about anything to get out of seeing them even at the risk of losing her hard-earned salary bonus.
Her therapist, Dr. Malia, had recently been praising her for having come so far after three years of therapy work. Needless to say, her Dr. Malia was overestimating it. By this time, three years of work in therapy only alleviated a small amount of anxiety. She will not allow her small feat of progress to be disrupted by emotional disturbances from family. It was a threat to her newfound order in life. Her growth in self-esteem was delicate, and backsliding would be so easy at the first moment she goes under her family's microscope.
But instead of asking for cash, her little brother Rover pulled her absence debt so that he and his woefully underprepared highschool buddies can hike a dangerous trail in one of the most famous mountains of the world over the weekend. Suffice to say, she was bringing a bunch of entitled teenage boys through a famously brutal mountain by a span of five days.
"Are we there yet?" Killian asked, he was her little brother's friend who was along for the long hike. For the last few hours, he has been using most of his energy mouthing off his displeasure rather than use it to power through their already damned hike.
"We're close enough" she clipped, trudging ahead of them and willing them to go faster. Sunset was fast approaching and they needed to reach the next camp an hour ago.
"You said that 10 minutes ago, and an hour before that" he said with a breathy huff.
River looked back at him over her shoulder and saw that he was drenched wet in his green thermal shirt. His harsh breathing gave away their underwhelming preparations for a mountain the size of a freaking continent and he could barely carry a standard hiking backpack that was basically the size of a full-grown child clinging to his back. She realized too late that almost none of them were prepared for this extreme sporting adventure because their barrage of complaints already came in during the first few hours of their hike.
She shifted her backpack that was several stones heavier than the standard ones the boys were carrying and gave him a tired look before pressing on forward.
After a while, he asked "Can we take a break?"
She nodded, "Take a minute."
"I was hoping for a 30-minute break"
She bit back a sigh, noticing that these boys didn't pay much attention in orientation. "We can't do that. We get 3 minutes tops then we're gonna get back to it for the next camp. The porters are there with our camping gear waiting for us. Plus, we're already running up late. We should be getting there by sundown, at least"
Killian bent forward, wheezing "No way." he cursed, "I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this."
"Whose idea was this, anyway?" His other buddy Greg said to him, his eyes heated. It was clear that Killian got the idea to hike up the Ylein Mountain in the first place. Granted that they were taking the expensive scenic trail, it still was a humbling hike that broke down some of the seasoned hikers she knew.
Why these boys thought they could make it over this mountain without a shred of outdoor experience was beyond her. These city boys thrived under a constant dose of highspeed wifi, not 7-hours long mountain hikes per day. Five days going over the entirety of the mountain with these underprepared boys was becoming what she had anticipated this trek was going to be: a clusterfuck.
At her side, Rover's bald head was dotted with a sheen of sweat and he gave River a steady look that had been growing fiercer since the last couple of hours.
Here we go, she thought, expecting to meet his anger now rather than have it with a bigger audience at the next camp "Something wrong, Rover?"
He moved to her with a hiss, "This was your idea. We wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you. We could have taken another trail."
"Rover, this trail is the easiest. I know you had our dad tell me to help you through this mountain you set your heart on. So let me guide you. Trust me, I've been hiking this mountain ever since I was 11. I know what I'm doing." she said, already growing tired of the conversation. She had been arguing about this with her parents way too many times over, telling them that the Ylein Mountain was no place for first-time hikers. She came to find out that there was no use arguing with them once they set their mind on something. Their parents had posed a united front. And she was just a small little girl who didn't know any better. At least, in their eyes. She was 25-years old, damn it. Someone in her family should give her credit for that.
Rover's glare would have done her in to death if looks could kill. It started to dawn on her how much of a long time it was ever since she stopped bothering with his anger. Years ago, his direct confrontational anger would have murdered her inside. It was too toxic, it had a weird gravitational pull that used to drag her into a spiraling realm of depression. And no matter how much she tried to help him, the kid always seemed to be angry in however many ways it came.
Displaced anger, her therapist had noted. Do not worry so much about that. Take care to save yourself from drowning first before getting to others. Yes, he is using you as his scapegoat but realize that as the only child of the family, he cannot bear to put his anger on his primary caregivers, which are your parents, therefore his anger is displaced to you. The one he doesn't know so well. The alien one. The outcast.
She knew that in his eyes, she was the one responsible for the whole clusterfuck. However, their Mom was adamant that their golden child can triumph over it. Even digging for the fact that she needed to pull some weight for the family, which is hilarious, considering the fact that they dropped her off to be raised in a farm with her grandparents back when she was four years old just so they could raise their only son back in the city. Since then, she was estranged to her family.
But they came back for her, regretfully. At her twentieth birthday, the run-down motorcycle her grandparents were riding in broke down in the middle of a drive, killing them instantly. And the moment the tragedy happened was the start of her parents coming back to her life.
They never felt for her and only used River as a means to an end. To them, she was free labor, serving for convenience without cost. Merely calling on her when they needed a free set of hands. Pushing her to jump through hoops just to live up to their favors without so much as a thank you. It was exhausting.
Five years later after her grandparent's death, her family has still got their steel hooks digging onto her skin. To escape them, she moved to a bigger apartment with multiple roommates. And they provided more than enough distraction to get away from her family issues. Her friendship and career she built up with her roommates was a safety space that's been cultivated with years of work and diligence. Her ruined wreckage of a childhood be damned, she'd rather forget about it and put it to rest in the past where it didn't need to join her present life. What mattered most was the space of safety her new life provided, and the moment her past catches up to it, then it wouldn't be so safe anymore.
She had to do everything she could to protect her progress. She didn't think she could survive another bout of depression. A week before, Dr. Malia had asked her if she was ready to sort out her anxieties concerning her family, but she told her no. She wasn't ready. Her heart felt like a livewire of nerves held in a delicate state. She had to stay in her safety space a bit more before she could step out and face the music of her family.
Surprisingly, sending them money worked effectively well to fend them off. But she should have known it woudn't have last long before they were back to their thankless demands. And this was simply the most tiring out of everything they demanded: guiding three teenage boys through one of the most challenging trails in the world.
"Why can't we make camp here?" Killian interjected, breaking Rover's accusing glare.
"We can," she said, willing her patience to manifest, "But it's not ideal. We are better off sleeping in a well-worn camp marked by the natives."
"The fuck not?" Killian spat.
Greg smacked him upside on the back of his head, "Snakes, bears, lions, all animals know to stay away from marked areas. They prefer to avoid people, dumbass." he said, then glanced at her with an apologetic look.
Rover paced around a clearing in the midst of a wild jungle and decreed his decision, "We are making camp here." he said, puffing his chest.
Groans erupted from behind her, "Thank god." she heard Greg murmur.
She bit back another sigh. Rover was the little brother who was the lesser of two evils compared to her parents. Yet, arguing with him would prove pointless. Like their parents, once he got his mind set on something, it was impossible to tear him away from it.
Several minutes later, it turned out that listening to them gripe the whole day on the hiking trail was next to nothing to watching them set up camp. They came to find out that their porters had most of their camping gear and some of it the boys carried on their backs. Now they were gonna have to ration their gear and share a single tent together.
"How did you do that so quickly?" Killian snapped to his friend Greg. "I thought you said you've never been camping before."
He has been in an eternal pissy mood ever since they arrived, and hiking seemed to rile him up into an even pissier mood.
Come to think of it, they were all pissy.
Except for Greg, he was actually decent. He pulled out his phone to show them an offline YouTube video about setting up their tents.
By nightfall, they were all set up and sitting around a decent fire.
River cooked and served them their food with hot drinks once they were done setting up. Their mood settling into a begrudging quiet as they ate.
Killian held his food with his elbows resting on his knees, watching the fire, "You freaking lose one bet." he said in a dry tone, prompting a massive heated debate between the three of them.
Between the shouting, she took one deep calming breath, ducking her head down to observe her food. It was salty and full of preservatives and it left her feeling more impatient. Working as a co-blogger to an experimental gourmet blog with her roommates had allowed her to explore the most gratifying gourmet trips of culinary culture the world has to offer. However, the boiled canned food in her hands only served as a reminder of how she used to live back then when she was growing up in the farm. It sent her back to a time, long ago when she used to be a little kid and all that she had ever wanted was for her grandfather to raise her as a boy so that her parents would realize their mistake. It used to be a fantasy of hers; having them come to take her back to the city right where she belonged in a proper family with a mom and dad.
River looked up to her little brother engaged in a heated debate, not really hearing them. She watched him in detail, cataloguing their familial resemblance and how different they were from each other. She couldn't help but wish briefly that it should be her that their parents had decided to raise, and it should be him that ought to have been raised by their grandparents.
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Chastising words came forth to her from Dr. Malia. There wasn't anything that she could do to help being abandoned by her parents. But still, a bitter fire singed through her veins, giving her doubts. What if she had done well enough to become an impressive child with all accolades and praise, would her parents changed their mind and loved her instead?
If Dr. Malia can see what she was doing right now with her brother, she would be making a field day out of this. I see you have finally taken up my suggestion to set up boundaries, she could already hear her say in a tone dripping with irony.
But then, inside her head, an urgent thought assaulted her, "Help!" it said, making her ears ring. The thought had come to her but the voice didn't sound familiar. It sounded rough and gritty like someone was in terrible pain.
She released a long breath that sounded as though it had been held for ages. Hearing unfamiliar voices in her head must be a sign that she was entering a whole new level of stress.
Guess it's time to retire early for sleep, she thought. Once she was inside the tent, she began changing into her strappy nightgown filled with mesh and lace. Ornate nightgowns always had this comforting power to relax her into a lull of sleep. Its shimmery fabric was pearlescent pink in color and soft to the touch.
Growing up, her grandmother would coerce her from tear-stained farm clothes into wearing a nightgown every night. It was her own way of showing affection, and it made her feel loved more than anything else. As she grew older, the trunks of nightgowns she gifted her got more luxurious, soft, and feminine. The memory of her grandmother was the reason why she could never sleep without it, even if the jungle was a slightly inappropriate place to wear it. It gave her a wonderful reminder that even though things got really bad, at the end of the day, she was loved. Even for a little bit.
An intrusive thought assaulted her again, "Help!" it said, then the repeating words garbled into distortion. She could have sworn it sounded like Spanish, Chinese, Russian, and it all held the same meaning. Someone was asking for help.
She poked her head out the tent to address the boys, "Did you hear that?"
Over their red-faced hissing and shouting, they weren't able to hear her.
Once more, a piercing cry for help sounded inside her head, this time shaking her entire skull into a thunderous vibration. Whispers of the wind were rushing over her skin, wrapping every inch of her in a cold embrace. With the chill too much to bear, she closed her tent and burrowed inside her sleeping bag for warmth.
The shouting died down, and she heard them retiring to their tents. The echoes of the jungle at night intensifying as nocturnal animals grew emboldened by the shadows, its dark music letting her relax in a curling huddle inside her tent. But even so, her mind worked like an electric livewire, not letting her get some peace while at the same time her exhausted body was drained from the day.
Curiosity is a bitch, she thought.
Zipping off the tent, she began putting on her hiking shoes and stood outside to take in the fresh air. The second she did, the loud heart of the night seemed to come alive around her. The patient winds started to escalate, creating a ruckus of sharp biting blows in a whirlwind of storm.
Closing her eyes and raising an arm to shield her face, she made her way back to the tent blindly in short careful steps. She could have sworn she was walking by the right direction but she hadn't bumped into anything yet. The ground under her feet felt odd, its soil was softening from her added weight which was odd because she made sure that they were camped on solid dry dirt.
She squeezed her eyes tighter as the wind grew something fierce.
Then, seconds later, the harsh winds dropped away. But it felt like she was breathing different. As though the winds picked up an odd breeze because it felt humid against her skin. She can hear the sounds of the jungle starting up, but the noise was a different instrumental symphony.
She lowered her arm, peering down to her feet. She expected to see grass and overgrown roots. Instead, it was black dirt. It was naked muddy soil where no green pasture thrived.
It took her a long time to figure out what she was seeing. For a good moment, she began questioning her sanity. She thought to look around but it didn't help.
The camp was gone.
Trees surrounded her but it was taller. Way taller. The sun up there could barely filter through the lush leafy vegetation overhead.
Her jaw dropped, eyes widening at the sight at the top of the tall trees. Behind the overhead leaves was an impossible sun shining through. I think they're called canopies, she thought and gulped through the growing panic. But why the hell did the sun look like that? It looked like it had two additional rings going around it, the same way it does for Saturn.
Her mouth was beginning to dry, she had to remember to breathe. Deep breaths. Remember the exercise Dr. Malia taught you.
Shaking off her panic, she paced around with dozens of questions whirling inside her head. Why was it daylight all of sudden?
How did the jungle start looking like an actual rainforest? When did that happen?
Did she pass out? Is this a new level of psychosis she was entering?
She needed to find her brother. Had they abandoned her?
Chest threatening to explode, the urge to break into a run was beginning to overwhelm her. She felt tiny, vulnerable, like the world was closing in around and she needed to run away. With a frustrated growl, she pushed back her primal instincts to flee.
Never mind the sudden time change. She can't wrap her head around that without going into a full blown panic. But it was clear she was in uncharted territory. She had to remind herself that she had been trekking the trails of the Ylein mountains for about a decade. Something was bound to look familiar if she walked far enough.
Taking a deep breath, she set on a path and resolved to keep on going in this particular direction until she can find someone friendly or something even remotely familiar.
A long time later, she began hiking down a wild mountain trail then it turned to climbing off ravines. A monstrous daring feat that didn't match her flimsy nightgown. Then, the trail winded up again in a steep increase so she had to climb upwards again up into a mountain. It occurred to her that going around mountains would have taken longer to gain perspective on where she was. If she climbed up some more, a larger perspective of the lands can be possible from a greater angle.
Walking with no gear or water seemed to prove more difficult the longer she stayed in the direction she set a course on, but she persevered. There were a couple of winding rivers that blocked her path but she hopped, skipped, and trudged through it. When facing brambles, she had to hop on trees and skip over to the next tree by jumping from branches. It wasn't the safest idea but she'll be damned to disregard her grandfather's best laid out advice at a time like this.
Keep on going, he had said when she was only 13. At a young age, he had brought her to a brutal trail in the Ylein mountains as a way to disrupt her narrow-minded desire to become like a boy like Rover. But, she had tried her damned best, wanting to prove him wrong and show the old geezer that she was worthy to be taken back to the city with her real parents. He must have taken pity on her because he had whirled to face her, bent down at his waist and said. If you must rest then rest, take a breath but no more than a minute.
By then, she had dropped to her knees in exhaustion while he continued. If you get lost and you're not sure where to go then choose a path and stick to it until sense catches up to you.
But, she defied him, If I take several minutes to sit and think about it, maybe I'll be able make up my mind better and make better decisions.
He narrowed his gaze down to her. You will think better when you're walking down a path. Any path, for that matter.
In hindsight, she began to understand what he meant. Things made sense when she was moving about, doing something and if there was remorse for it then it will have gone away just as she started doing something else.
River waved away the memory and forced herself to be calm when she saw a giant python wrapped around a branch above her. If her grandfather were here, he would have befriended the damn thing. Despite her grandfather's proclivity to befriend them, snakes and her have never gotten along. They were too damn friendly. Good thing this one merely watched her with bored attention.
To her relief, some of the animals she found on her path were rarely predators. Even the ones that did have sharp teeth and large biting jaws looked incredibly bored and sauntered on their merry way without a glance back at her.
She had a mind to test her newfound theory that this was all a nightmare by testing its limits. If she got swallowed by a python, will she finally wake up?
But the hunger in her stomach burned in a way that couldn't have come from a dream. And the chills coming up her spine every time a strange-looking animal appeared had proved that she might be having more than a nightmare.
It must have taken her several miles after crossing two rivers, climbing steep edges, swinging from tree to tree, followed by climbing more rock formations to reach a higher vantage point. Although, to her dismay, it seemed like the sun rose even higher at the sky. How many hours have gone past? She didn't quite understand how travelling miles upon miles hadn't taken a full day. By the looks of the sun, it was barely past noon.
There was a steep edge off the side of the mountain, and she hung on to it as as she climbed. The heights was exhilarating. When she looked over her shoulder, she could see the tops of the rainforest trees way down below her.
Peering up, she saw larger rock formations ahead that would prove tricky for her to find any decent footholds. We'll cross that bridge when we get there, she thought, I'll just figure it out when I get there, for sure.
As she reached up to the large boulders with bare hands and scratched knees, she was surprised to see a tiny space to squeeze into between the rock formations. Sunlight poured between the space, and its harsh glare prevented her to see what was on the other side. But she pressed onwards, squeezing her body through. "It had better not be another mountain to climb," she murmured through gritted teeth. "At this point, I'll be kissing any flat levelled ground I see."
She emerged between the boulders and onto the other side. The moment she came out, her eyes began focusing despite the strong sunlight. Shielding a hand to shade her view, she squinted to see what lay before her.
A peaceful landscape greeted her vision and took her breath away. Rolling yellow grasslands swept on the horizon ahead and the sight of it gave a fuzzy burst of thrill through her. It was wonderfully flat and level, and on top of that, the yellow colors in the grass came in a variety of vibrant shades that it looked like it could have come out of a fairytale painting.
Something in her chest unwinded at the absent sight of hard mountains and wild trees to climb. She held a mucked-up hand against her chest and relished the passing rush of endorphins flowing through her system. Pain dissipated from her joints and stark hunger melted away. The so-called runner's high was taking over. And she welcomed the blooming onset of euphoria.
Yellow grasslands might have looked strange since it was colored from tawny to amber; a plant seasonal stage that shouldn't be possible from the extreme dry regions of the Ylein mountains.
But she didn't care for how foreign it looked. What mattered is that her path no longer looked wild and dangerous. Because now, the path forward was clear and unmistakable. She took advantage of her rushing endorphins to jog miles ahead, a bubble of laughter bursting from her mouth.
Safe, she thought, I'm safe.
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