///___///

I've signed myself up for Hell and I can't find the emergency exit

The thought travels through my mind in an instant, right before I'm sent floating through the air. I've got a brief moment of reprieve as I'm launched back first into the abyss of night. Truly, this time, I will die and be free of this place.

Then my back hits the ground with a crunch and I know pain.

"My back… ow, my back."

"You did better that time." Teacher just materializes right next to me, a smile on her face. Or she just moved too fast for me to see, it's a 50/50, to be honest.

"This lord let you off easy." Translation 'I didn't see any improvement.'

"The one being taught hardly ever notices the changes until they're pointed out to them." She chides with a chuckle.

Yes, for the first time in my new life, someone understands me so I can say whatever the fuck the Rong mouth wants to without consequence. I was honestly very surprised, but I also had something else to chew on at the time. That being the sudden influx of one particular memory.

I picked Mysterious Teacher in the companion tab, and now that she's unlocked, I can remember doing it. Who knew that the companion that 'always stays unfathomable' would be something beyond basic Immortal? Well, it makes sense, if she were fathomable she would have a halo. This is all based on the assumption I can even see an Immortal's halo. It could be I'm wrong and she's just at the first step into Immortality. I have a feeling that's not the case, however, with how Book-chan seems to feel weary at her presence.

Despite Book-chans weariness, if Teacher was going to do anything bad to me she would have done it by now. No, the woman instead took her role seriously. Which leads to where I am now. A week later in frozen time, getting my ass handed to me as I fail to learn the next technique in the Fist Arts she's drilling into my head.

Heavenly Fist of the Infinite Realms, is a bit of a mouthful. The first time I said that she just snorted and said call it Fist Arts since it might as well be called that. Still don't know what she means by that considering there's a fucking palm technique in it. Said palm technique is the first one I learned. 'Fist Arts' my ass.

Empyrean Palm, Abyssal Wave, Titanic Might, Ethereal Echo, Celestial Convergence, Demon's Reversal, and Fist of Past Fate. Of which the first four are simple enough, Celestial Convergence being the technique of combining those four in different variations to make interesting combos. The last two are the problem.

Fist of Past Fate isn't one I can even attempt to learn yet. Teacher said I'm not ready for it. No idea what the hell being ready for that one would mean, but right now I'm assuming it's being at a higher realm in cultivation. Demon's Reversal, in an ironic twist of fate, is what I'm struggling with the most. The Demonic Cultivator with the cultivation manual that's probably the first ever Demonic one is struggling on a move with Demon in the name. Also, what in the flying fuck is Chaotic Qi? More importantly, how does one harvest the Qi of pure chaos and punch with it?

"I see you've gotten lost in there again." Teacher's voice breaks my thoughts as I feel a tap on my forehead. Blinking my eyes I look at the woman. She nods in satisfaction at my attention then puts her hands behind her back and smiles. "Tell me, Rong, what is the Dao to cultivators?" The fuck kinda question is that? Her eyes alight with amusement at my look of confusion. Then she makes a 'go on' gesture.

"The Dao is the way? Dao is everything. This one is too ignorant to say more on the subject." I mean, shits vague as fuck here, if it were the one from our world I have an idea but Xianxia-land seemingly has another idea entirely. I've mostly just been treating it like The Force to be honest.

"That's a good enough answer already." Teacher interrupts my thoughts, she starts pacing in front of me. "Then what of the Righteous? Or the Demonic?"

"I can't honestly say. This one finds himself lacking as he fails to see how it'd be different for either." She stops pacing and turns to me, snapping out a hand to grab my chin before I can react.

"Cultivators are not reasonable. Following the Dao is not reasonable. Going against the heavens is not reasonable. We do it anyway." She says with such an intensity it's hard to look into her one uncovered eye. "It's a simple matter. Daoism is what you would call an exclusive club to the Righteous. The perquisite to join them? Be refined, act elegantly, pretend you're better than everyone else by having proper table manners." She scoffs then lets me go. I bring a hand up to rub at my slightly sore jaw. Then a starting realization hits me like the invincible brick I carry.

The Righteous path is a bunch of hipsters.

Horrifying thought aside, I have to know the truth for the other faction. "Then the Demonic Cultivators?" I ask her and her grin widens.

"Unrefined, uncaring of their so-called elegance. Chaos, to their preconceived path. At the end of it all, everyone's just a massive hypocrite. To those 'Righteous Cultivators', I say wǒ cào nǐ mā!" I was not ready to hear that from a woman a foot shorter than me. I'm also glad Demonic Cultivators aren't hipsters. I can settle for anarchists.

Or… are Demonic Cultivators the hipsters. And the Righteous are just a bunch of boomers? I'm confusing myself at this point so I decide to just move on from the subject.

"Does that mean you're a Demonic Cultivator, Teacher?" I ask her, she spins away coyly before looking at me with a sly grin.

"I'm whatever is more convenient at the time." I should have expected that. "For now, just know. Stop doubting your place as the villain. According to the definition of evil to a Righteous Daoist, anything chaotic is evil. What are you, if not chaotic?"

Was this some whole ass excuse to get me to figure out a martial arts technique?

Probably.

It was also something I desperately needed to hear. I've been wishy-washy in my approach to things. Aimless in what I actually wanted. So when I take her words to heart, harnessing the Chaotic Qi in the surroundings to successfully use the technique, I have a thought going through my mind.

I want to see this look of pride on her face more often.

///___///

It's a day later when Teacher says I'm good enough with Demon's Reversal. Now she's just about to let the world move again. So we're back to where we started, at a bar in a village I still don't know the name of, standing next to the frozen Blue and Green. Shan is also now back on my neck after putting her away for a bit, seeing as how she had been time-locked as well.

"Now remember, I will come to you as I please. The next time I come we'll start our most important lesson yet." Teacher says, stretching her arms out above her head as if she were a normal person who needed to take such an action.

"Yes, this Disciple will be ready to learn the last technique." I nod. Truly, being taught by someone like this is a godsend, considering I started this week not knowing any Xianxia bullshit techniques. Now I know six. Teacher blinks at me.

"What? No, that's way later. Next time I come I'll show you how to brew wine."

For the first time in this life and my last, my knees hit the floor as I kowtow to this divine being.

"Disciple is not worthy of your kindness!"

"Get up you lug, don't make me start the world again with you on your knees." She picks my head up and flicks my forehead then drags me up to stand. How dare she not appreciate my appreciation for good booze. Briefly, my mind just goes back to marrying her for that Infinite source. Oh hey, is she blushing? "Shut up." She demands, definitely blushing. "Imbecile student, moron student, stop looking at me you dog!"

Then Teacher is gone, and my mind instantly notices the difference as the background noise is back in full. A frown comes to my face, naturally as Rong and as myself.

"Young Master Xiang?" Blue asks worriedly.

"Brat, what's put you in such a mood?" Shan also asks. Attentive as always, that one.

Their voices drag me out of my thoughts. I've been in this world for around two and a half weeks now. Almost half of that time was spent frozen in time with my Teacher. The only person who could understand me, the only person my Rong tongue was nice to. Now that she's gone? A bitter feeling wells up inside me.

I don't like it.

"Young Master Xiang…?"

"Get me the best room in this hovel."

"Right away, Master."

"You… What happened to you in the span of an instant? This Chaotic Qi… It's unsettling."

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Wouldn't you like to know, weather girl?

///___///

The name of the village is Caiyun.

When I asked Blue for its name he looked at me in shock. I mean, fair, it really is out of character which is why I hadn't bothered when we came here originally. Now, however, the small village carries an important memory for me. It's where I met my Teacher, the first time I tasted Celestial Wine, and the place where I resolved my future goal. What is that goal? Why, it's similar to most Cultivators truth be told.

Become powerful enough to tell anyone to fuck off.

I had but a taste of the highest realm, literally and figuratively. I want more. I will embrace my role as the villain, the False Son of Providence, the man who can and will steal the Physiques of those chosen by heaven. And just like a proper Cultivator, those who stand in my way will feel my slight annoyance (Getting truly mad at chaff is below one such as I). Honestly I mostly just resolved myself to the path of violence and not being a hypocrite about it.

The first step in my grand plan to Ascension is of course the Auction arc. It was already my main reason for coming here, but meeting a child of heaven is inevitable. The largest Auction of this country in exactly a hundred years? Shit's the best bait that can possibly bait. If at least one child of heaven doesn't show up, I'll bite my brick. So with all that going through my mind, the guards of Huangjing wave us through almost immediately. Hell, the fuck is checking rich-looking people, amirite?

"Huangjing… It's been a long time." Shan says with a heavy sigh. Doesn't seem like she wants a conversation right now. She's just being melancholic for the sake of melancholy.

"Take me to the auction house."

"Not a Winehouse, Master?" Blue asks, shocked once again.

"After one drinks the dew of a celestial, all else is nothing but dog water." I shake my head at him. "If I'm drinking dog water wherever I go, I will drink what's closest." With that I take a bottle of Spiritual Wine out of my spatial ring. It's low-grade but I actually can't care about it anymore. A parting gift from Teacher was a bottle of Celestial Wine and a jade glass. It's something I'm not cracking open any time soon. No, that's for a special occasion. Or until I have a steady source. Who the fuck knows when Teacher will show up again, could be a week, could be years from now.

It's not a long trip to the auction house. Most people get out of the way of carriages like mine. Especially ones with no guards as that means it's usually a powerful cultivator. Makes me wonder what the fuck those bandits were thinking if these people understand that perfectly fine. Eh, dwelling on the thoughts of dead people ain't my thing.

"Master, we've arrived at the auction house," Blue informs me. I don't respond right away, finishing my bowl of wine. After finishing, I put the bowl back into my ring, then throw the bottle to Green who catches it in a panic.

"The rest is your reward for successfully looking less incompetent. Share some with Blue or don't, I care not."

The Amber Guardian Auction House was opened by what was formerly a branch of the Crimson Guardian Sect (I'm sure there's no bias). The building is what I expect a fancy Xianxia auction house to be. Intricate wooden carvings of Dragons, their scales glimmering with hints of gold and silver in the sunlight. Ornate lanterns hang from the eaves, I'm sure they look fancy in the night. The auction itself has two parts to it from what I've heard. The day portion will have the cheaper items and be open to the public, while the night auction will be invitation-only.

Time to secure my invitation.

Blue pushes open the door and I'm met by a fragrant scent of incense, a flower that I don't recognize, along with the scent of sandalwood which I do. The foyer is large, extremely so. It's adorned with silk banners depicting all manner of legendary artifacts and treasures. Soft music plays from unseen musicians, creating an atmosphere of elegance. A quick use of my divine sense and I locate the band in a side room. They must have an artifact allowing their music to travel through the building. As I did that with my divine sense, my physical eyes glance at the marble columns rising high, leading to a painted ceiling that depicts fights between beasts of all manners and cultivators.

"That's not how that fight went at all," Shan mutters some truly absurd shit, but I'm not that surprised. She seems to have a rather deep connection to Huanglong as a whole.

Damn if this place isn't extra as fuck. You know what? I kinda vibe with it. So what do I do in an auction house like this that definitely has connections to all the top sects and many rich people? Why of course I let the Rong mouth have its way.

"Bring me whoever runs this place before this lord's patience wears out," I state as soon as I see the receptionist or whatever the servants here are called.

"Who are you to dare make a mess here?!" The red-faced attendant shouts. Everyone else in the auction house quiets and watches in interest. I had a funny idea…

"Blue, introduce me."

"You dare question the Young Master Xiang?! Do you wish to suffer a dog's death?!" Blue shouts back louder, and with more vigor than I could have imagined. Huh, somewhere down the line Blue went from protagonist template to Young Master hype guy. According to the tropes, those are the most loyal servants to an absurd degree. Nice.

"Seriously, where did this loyalty come from?" I don't know Shan, I don't know.

"Green, slap his cheeks a hundred times for this disrespect." It's mostly a joke of how far they would go at this point. What I don't expect is the meaty thwack followed by the man being sent through the desk beside him.

"Sorry Master, I used too much strength." Good soldiers follow orders. That seems to be the motto of my servants.

"Young Master Xiang, this one begs you for the forgiveness of her servant." A new voice calls out, a smoothness to it that only someone experienced with word games could carry.

I turn to face her with an arched brow. An Orange halo. The first halo above blue that I've seen since arriving in Huangjing. There's a high likelihood she's a secondary heroine. Someone running an auction would never become a main heroine. "This one invites you to her office." Without saying a word I motion her to move on, also motioning for my servants to follow.

It's a short trip, the crowd of people parted like a sea of scared pigeons. Hushed whispers of how domineering I was fill my ears. These fools don't realize if I were the original Rong, that'd have been nice. As for the as-of-yet-unnamed auction lady, her office is rather grand. Gold and jade decorations are all over the place, and the thick scent of incense is strongest here. A tactic used to throw people off. She motions me to take a seat, but I don't take it. Her smile falters slightly before recovering.

"I'm pleased to have the Young Master Xiang at our auction. Unfortunately, if it's an invitation to the night auction you wish to have, they've all been sent."

Time to pull what we in the business call a Pro Gamer Move.

"I'm not here to beg."

"This one did not imply you wou-"

"The one begging will be you."

"Pardon?" For the first time since arriving here, she looks fully thrown for a loop. I answer by summoning ten of the thirty ancient-grade spirit stones on her desk.

"Well then, dog. Beg and this benevolent master might honor you with his presence at your pitiful auction."

My grin only widens at the look of horror on her face.

"You're a piece of work." Shan's snide commentary does little to detract from the moment.

///___///

I was escorted to the room for the highest level of VIP there is. A cheery step in my stride as the fond memory of a cheeky auction-owning side heroine begged like a dog wanting a bone goes through my mind. Truly, it feels so good to be so bad. After the guide leaves, I'm finally left to myself. Blue and Green were given a room close to mine, definitely not fit for the average servants. Probably even better than most guests.

Deciding to take a bath, I start heading to the tub, absent-mindedly noticing Teacher lounging on the sofa. "Yo." She says and I give her a wave as I continue-

"Why is there an Immortal in your room!?" Shan screeches.

Wait, what? Teacher!? My mind catches up and I turn to the woman lounging about like a particularly smug cat. Isn't this too soon? We just separated! Then she pulls out a bottle and my thoughts stop.

"Thirsty, oh student of mine?" She has a cheeky grin. My mouth begins to water, eyes glued to the bottle.

Oh no… I've been tamed.