Volume Two: Portrait - Chapter 8: Happy or Not Happy

"Oh, it's you. Come in and have a seat."

"Am I disturbing you?"

"Not at all. Do you want some water?"

"Yes, please."

"Have you finished reading those books?"

"Yes, I came to return them today."

"So, did you understand them?"

"Haha, not really. There are a lot of things I don't quite get."

"Haha, it's okay. It's normal for you. Those books are quite deep for you. How have you been recently?"

"Okay."

"But your complexion doesn't look good. Is it because of that thing? The one that makes you feel scared?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what exactly you are afraid of?"

"..."

"I hope you can trust me. Look at me. Maybe I can help you."

"Um, okay. I... I'm afraid of being called on."

"Being called on?"

"Is it strange?"

"No, not at all. I once knew someone who was afraid to cross a bridge alone."

"Oh? Afraid to cross a bridge alone?"

"Yes, it got to the point where he couldn't even walk alone through narrow streets without his wife. It developed into a dependency on his wife for everything. So, subconsciously, he had a childish need for his wife, but consciously, he wouldn't admit to this immature need. So, he used the fear of open spaces to impose the obligation on his wife to accompany him."

"Did he get better?"

"Of course. With medication and behavioral therapy, he recovered quickly."

"Oh, so it's not incurable."

"Haha, of course not. So, are you willing to tell me why you are afraid of being called on?"

"To be honest, I don't know."

"Oh? When did you start being afraid of being called on?"

"Um... I don't remember. Sorry."

"Haha, it's okay. Lie down on this chair. How does it feel? Comfortable?"

"Ah, very comfortable."

"Do you want to listen to some music?"

"Yes."

"Listen to this first."

Mozart's "Lullaby" played in the room. Then Mendelssohn's "Song of Midsummer." Tsai Chin's "Those Lost Times."

"Which one makes you feel relaxed?"

"The last one, I couldn't understand the first two."

"Okay. How many classes did you have this afternoon?"

"What? Oh, two."

"And then, what did you do?"

"Played basketball for a while."

"Haha, your life seems quite rich. Do you feel tired?"

"A little."

"Alright, just consider it as resting. Now, do as I say. First, adjust your body to the most comfortable position, then relax your body and take slow, deep breaths."

"Like this?"

"Yes, very good. Breathe out slowly, just like that. Do it again, take a deep breath, exhale. Very good. What kind of environment do you like?"

"Um, the seaside."

"Okay, now imagine yourself lying at the seaside. The cool, comfortable sea breeze. The rhythmic waves crashing against the rocks, swoosh, swoosh, one after another. Can you feel your soul? Very good, use your soul to feel every part of your body. When you feel your head, it relaxes; when you feel your chest, back, your body relaxes; relax your abdomen, breathing becomes smoother; when you feel your arms, they relax; when you feel your legs, they relax. Your whole body is getting more and more relaxed, more and more relaxed... Okay, how do you feel now?"

"Very... comfortable, very... relaxed. There's... a white light around me." His voice was low, as if every word took great effort.

"Very good, just enjoy the peace quietly."

Five minutes passed.

"Okay, now I will slowly count from one to ten. When I count to ten, your subconscious will take you back to a certain moment in the past, where you will see an event that had a huge impact on you. When I count to ten, whatever you see or think, please say it. After you say it, if it's happy, you will remember it, if it's not, you will let it go. Okay?"

Slowly nodding.

"Good, let's start. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10."

Suddenly, his eyeballs could be seen rapidly moving under his eyelids.

(Very good, this indicates that the subconscious has started providing information.)

"We are in the courtyard... the smell of roasted grasshoppers... my dad brought me back on his bike... I had to finish my homework before playing... a wooden gun... better than Da Meng."

(In this memory he's recalling, he shouldn't be older than 10.)

"I was playing war games with my friends (his voice became childish and lively), in the sandpit... Er Pang always refuses to lie down when he's out... there are People's Liberation Army soldiers practicing formation over there (his voice became envious and admiring), so imposing... one, two, one, two... roll call... Wang Libo, present. Meng Fanzhe, present. Heehee... huh, how come it's stuck when it gets to him? Oh, the officer is so angry (his voice became fearful)... roll call again... why is it stuck again... roll call again... come on, officer... stuttering?... oh, don't hit him (his body started trembling)... so much blood... the officer was punished to run alone on the playground..."

His breathing suddenly became rapid, and his body began to convulse violently.

"What did you see?"

"Falling down (starting to cry)... blood kept flowing from my forehead... the gym teacher... roll call... slapped me... no..."

"Okay, okay, we'll end this experience now. Everything you just saw is deeply imprinted in your mind, and you can easily recall it at any time. Understand?"

"Yes... I think so."

"Can you still feel the white light?"

"...Yes."

"Very good, now let the white light gradually dissipate, and your body and mind are slowly awakening. When I count from ten to one, you will be completely awake. Understand?"

"...Understood."

"Okay, ten, the white light is getting fainter, and you feel very relaxed both physically and mentally; nine, you're getting clearer; eight, your body's normal senses are gradually returning; seven, your fingers are starting to feel again; six, your inner peace, feeling very happy; five, getting clearer; four, your neck is starting to move; three, you feel a huge amount of energy throughout your body; two, you're about to awaken, the exit is ahead; one, you're completely awake, open your eyes!"

Deep breath.

"Wow, was I... hypnotized just now?"

"Haha, let's just say you were."

"I remembered. When I was 9 years old, I saw a stuttering soldier being punished."

"Yes, that sounds about right."

"But why couldn't I remember it all this time?"

"It's called 'psychogenic memory loss,' and this kind of memory loss is selective. In other words, you have chosen to forget those experiences that caused you pain. In essence, it's a form of avoidance."

"Will remembering these things help me?"

"Of course, solving any problem requires finding the key, especially when it comes to mental issues. Once you find the cause, it's easy to deal with it."

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

"Would you be willing to help me, teacher?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course, would you be willing?"

"Haha, haven't I been helping you all along?"

"Thank you."

"Don't be so polite. I have only one request, keep this between us, okay?"

"Okay."

Sleeping. Reading. Attending classes. Occasionally playing basketball.

No need to worry about who might be killed. No need to face bloodthirsty lunatics. Even nightmares were rare.

This is a happy life.

Every day, Fang Mu went to and fro on campus like everyone else, living a quiet life for a week. He went home for a weekend, ate several meals of his mother's cooking, and gained 2 pounds.

The weather was getting hotter, and inexplicably, his mood improved.

Sitting on the bus back to school, the gentle breeze brushed his face, making it pleasantly ticklish. Outside the window, the scorching sun, the scent of grass in his nose. He patted the bottles and jars in his bag, filled with his mother's meat sauce and pickles. Leaning lazily against the back of the chair, he closed his eyes and dozed off.

How long had it been since he felt this way?

Back in the dorm, Du Yu was playing CS, and when he heard Fang Mu push the door open, he greeted without turning his head, "Back?"

"Why didn't you go out with Zhang Yao on such a nice day?"

"Haha, she's gone to tutor. I'm enjoying the peace."

Fang Mu took out a bottle of meat sauce and placed it on Du Yu's desk. "Here, my mom made it, try it."

"Huh?" Du Yu looked a bit surprised, "Thanks."

"Be careful!" Fang Mu pointed at the screen.

"Ah?!" Du Yu frantically pressed the keys and mouse. It was too late, "Bang," he was shot in the head.

"Damn, I'm done playing." Du Yu quit the game, took out a pair of chopsticks from the drawer, opened the meat sauce bottle, stirred it a few times with the chopsticks, then took a bite.

"Mmm, it's delicious. Your mom's really good at this," Du Yu said, picking up another big piece and putting it in his mouth.

"I'm going to have noodles tonight, mixed with meat sauce. It's definitely going to taste great," Du Yu said, picking up another large piece and putting it in his mouth.

"You're not afraid of it being too salty," Fang Mu smiled.

"Bro, it's clear to see that you've been in a good mood lately," Du Yu said, chewing.

"Is it?" Fang Mu replied absentmindedly as he tidied up his things.

"Recently, everyone felt like you were in trouble. Liu Jianjun once told me he saw you walking around the corridor in the middle of the night. If you have something on your mind, why not talk to me about it? We're good friends, aren't we?" Du Yu said, looking at Fang Mu with a sincere expression.

For the first time he gave him something, and this guy was moved like this.

"Yes." Fang Mu nodded heavily.

After dinner, Fang Mu and Du Yu sat in front of their respective computer desks. Du Yu was tirelessly battling it out in CS. Fang Mu had wanted to organize the files on the Ma Kai case, but on this afternoon, he didn't want those dark, bloody things to occupy his mind, so he aimlessly opened a webpage and browsed.

The door was pushed open. Liu Jianjun came in with a basketball and a few classmates, laughing and joking around. When they saw Fang Mu was also there, their voices, as if by mutual consent, lowered.

"Still playing? Got shot in the head a few times?" Liu Jianjun threw the ball and pulled off Du Yu's headset, "Let's go, play basketball."

"Just finishing this game, just finishing this game," Du Yu kept his eyes on the screen.

The basketball bounced and landed at Fang Mu's feet, rubbing against his jeans and leaving a mark.

Fang Mu kicked the ball back.

Liu Jianjun, seeing that he had dirtied Fang Mu's pants, looked a bit awkward as he said, "Sorry."

"It's okay." Fang Mu waved his hand and turned back to browsing the webpage.

"I knew it, this guy always thinks he's a big basketball star, do we have to pay him appearance fees?" Liu Jianjun teased, looking at Fang Mu.

"Come on, it's okay," Fang Mu said as he picked up the basketball and threw it back.

As they passed the campus store, Fang Mu bought a chilled watermelon.

Back in the dorm, everyone cut open the watermelon, with ice chips still on it, and fought to stuff it into their mouths. Every now and then, someone choked on watermelon seeds, prompting a round of good-natured teasing.

"I say, Fang Mu," Liu Jianjun wiped the watermelon juice off his mouth, "join the Law School basketball team. When we play in the 'Master's Cup' next time, you can be the shooting guard."

"Me?" Fang Mu threw away a piece of rind and suddenly smiled, "I should get an appearance fee for that."

Everyone burst into laughter, Liu Jianjun pretended to be in deep thought and reached for the door, "You guys clean up the melon rinds yourselves."

"Good, I'm leaving, Fang Mu, let's have a good competition one on one another day," Liu Jianjun got up.

"Okay." Fang Mu smiled.

"As for these rinds..." Liu Jianjun pretended to ponder, then reached for the door, "you guys clean up yourselves." After saying that, he opened the door and slipped out, laughing.

Du Yu picked up a slipper and threw it, but it landed on the door with a "pop."

"Haha, that guy."

Before going to bed, Fang Mu took a cold shower in the bathroom. Standing under the shower, the ice-cold water covered his entire body, bringing an indescribable sense of refreshment. He tilted his head back, letting the water flow freely over his face.

Next to him were two male students from the Mathematics department, discussing the "super fit" girl they had seen in the library.

Through the frosted window, he could vaguely see the lights in the opposite dorm building, blurry yet warm.

In fact, there is a lot of happiness in life, but I always felt unworthy of enjoying it.

Back in the dorm, Du Yu was already snoring, but this guy was thoughtful enough to leave a desk lamp for Fang Mu.

Fang Mu felt very tired. It had been a long time since he had exercised, and his knees and shoulders were aching terribly. Before his hair dried completely, he lay down on his bed.

Something poked him as he lay down, and he reached into his pillow and found the military knife.

He got up, put the knife under the pile of clothes in the wardrobe, and lay down again.

He got up again, opened the wardrobe, took out the knife, and put it under his pillow.

He lay down again, turned off the light, and went to sleep.

At one o'clock in the morning, Fang Mu suddenly sat up, opened the wardrobe, took out the military knife, and put it under his pillow.

Then he pulled the quilt over his head.

Finally, the heavy, black curtain of sleepiness quietly descended, like a heavy drama unfolding.