Death. The final frontier.  

Well, that and space, the deep ocean, and of course, poontang. But for me, realistically, death was the only frontier I was likely to explore. I would have preferred to explore poontang first, but well, here I am.

The final frontier!!

It's nothing like I imagined.

“Are you finished with your internal monologue or should I continue smiting my nose hairs?”

....Yes. I’m not alone here on the frontier.  It seems I have ended up with some self-important know-it-all with a hygiene fetish as a roommate.

“That's it! Silence!”

An ethereal fist whips through my face.

I blink rapidly.

“What the hell man?” I bark.

We’re in a fancy old-fashioned room. A carpet of red and gold covers an endless floor.  Red couches with gold trim line the walls. There are no windows, in their place are giant gold-rimmed mirrors that seem to extend up forever.

 A being stands before me, arms crossed and pouting, their form continuously changing. One moment I face a Chinese girl. The next, an old black African man, but always the same size, always pouting, and always using the same voice.

“It feels like I’ve been waiting an eternity for you to finish your inner squawking.”

Its voice sounds like an annoying mix between a bulldog’s bark and a male opera singer gargling acid.  I’m sorry, that’s the best way I can describe it.  Their words seem to fluctuate between languages as well, all unintelligible. Somehow I can understand it though.

“I apologize, my lord, if these musings on my situation were too loud.  I thought I left my skull sealed up, but apparently my massive brain is seeping out once again.”  I follow this with a fake curtsy along with fluttering eyelashes and a bright smile. By the way, I’d like to take this moment to mention I am a handsome cisgender male. Also, a smart-ass.

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The being’s ever-changing eyes narrow.  “I appreciate that you recognize how big a mouth your brain has. It’s distressing to have you yelling about your virginity in my living room.”

The being definitely looked like a beautiful blue elf woman for a moment there.  Actually, it was precisely at the moment it said ‘virginity.’  Coincidence?  That seems unlike-

”It was a coincidence you degenerate.” It interrupts my thoughts.

“Anyways, let’s get on with this. Shall we? Why don’t we take a seat?”  It says with a sigh. It waves a luminous two-fingered hand at the couch behind me. The next moment, we’re sitting beside each other on said couch.  Their legs are crossed and they’re now sipping from an uncapped skull through a pink straw.

“Um. Just wondering, but – and I know this is probably completely irrelevant – but what is your gender?  Or, what gender do you see yourself as?”  I ask before taking a sip from my own uncapped skull. Sparkling apple cider – delicious.  

“I identify as a male bulldog.”

I tilt my head and raise my left eyebrow. “Really?”

“Anyways, wouldn’t you like to know why you're here?” He says, ignoring my question.

“Well, it’s obvious. I’m here because I’m dead. You’re about to reincarnate me with a cheat in some fantasy world where I’ll build my harem.” I grin imagining all the hot s–

“Your an imbicile.”  He interrupts my brilliant contemplations once again.

“I know, but how is that relevant? Is that a class?”

“Yes, it’s a class and you are its highest achiever.”  I’m guessing this was some godly attempt at sarcasm. His disturbing voice made his tone impossible to read.

“Ok, I’ll bite. So then why am I really here? And where is here anyway? Oh, and who are you Mr. Bulldog?” I lean back into the soft red heaven of a couch and sip some more of my cider as I await the great reveal.

“My name is unimportant. Also, I’m not a god per se, I’m simply what I am. Anyways, Mr. Bulldog will be fine. As to where this is,”  He spread his arms.  “This is my living room.” The side of his mouth drifted up just a bit.

“Now, onto the main topic: the purpose of your present predicament.” Now the other side of his mouth followed until he was nearly grinning.

“I have no idea.”  

It was my turn to narrow my eyes at him.  We held each other’s gazes like that – him grinning and me squinting – for a few moments.

 Then we both took another drink from our skulls.

“Then, could I crash here for a while?”

“Certainly.”