Vessa sat on a hill outside the homes. Samilla lay beside Vessa, her fingers digging past the grass and into the dirt. As Vessa wrote in a notebook. Her mind helpfully telling her how many ways she could kill herself. Vessa rubbed her left eye as she pushed away the idea of running the pencil through it.
“Ughhhhhh.” Samilla said and pushed herself up to standing. Vessa looked at her. She was closer to death than Vessa, but Samilla was smiling down at her, anyway. She shook her long blond hair and threw her arms out and began to spin over and over.
“What are you doing?” Vessa asked as she gnawed on the end of the pencil. If Vessa got up and joined Samilla, she could spin until dizzy, then trip in a way to break her neck. Vessa felt the faint jolt that the idea had also occurred to Samilla.
“Getting out of my head before I scream.” Samilla said as she continued to spin. Her hair splayed out in the air, as some books painted starlight on worlds outside of the Wishing Constellation.
Vessa shook her head and looked back at her notebook and her schoolwork, shoving hard on all the ways she could kill herself in this moment, so she could focus and get some of her work done. A hand stuck between Vessa and the notebook.
“Come on.” Samilla said with both hands held out towards her. Vessa took them and she was pulled up with barely a moment to reorient before Samilla spun them.
The whole world blurred. Vessa breathed out her many deaths, spinning them away for the moment. As they spun faster and faster and faster until they came apart and Samilla started laughing. It was forced, with pain so clear in her voice, but somehow it was still so pure that Vessa joined her. Her body felt lighter and numbers hummed into a murmur instead of being sharp and clear.
“What are you guys doing?” Kamino asked, and Vessa opened her eyes. The world was still spinning, but she could make out Teldesh standing next to Kamino.
“Spinning the world away.” Samilla said as the world finally cleared to show the boys’ puzzled faces, only getting more confused by the moment. Samilla reached a hand out and Kamino pulled her up as Teldesh pulled Vessa to her feet. Samilla reached out her freehand to Teldesh. Kamino took Vessa’s hand to finish the circle. They, like her, were both used to Samilla’s antics and were just waiting to see what this was. Samilla spun them.
They made the world disappear and the numbers and their siren call of death faded into the blur of scenery and faces. Teldesh and Kaminos’ hands were more real than the numbers that hummed in Vessa’s mind trying to end her. When they fell apart again, the hill was filled with laughter. Soon Marlene and Capsa joined as well as many others not a part of their group. They spun and spun as the captured starlight turned to darkness. Moonlight coming from everywhere and nowhere.
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“I wonder what real moonlight looks like.” Vessa said as they lay on the grass staring up into the night sky.
“One more reason to ignore the voices and stay alive.” Capsa said.
“There’s usually a circle in the day sky and it moves until it darkens and a moon takes over.” Teldesh said.
“How did you know that?” Samilla asked as she held one arm up in the air, randomly moving it.
“I don’t know, I just do.” Teldesh said as he picked up stones and threw them.
“A past life maybe.” Marlene said.
“Do we have those?” Kamino asked, sitting up to throw stones in competition with Teldesh.
“I don’t know, but anything is possible,” Marlene said.
“I think there are also pricks of light that are other stars.” Teldesh said,as he threw a stone past Kamino’s last attempt.
“How wondrous. To living long enough to go to the Constellations that have skies like that,” Samilla said as she rose to standing.
“One last spin before we head back.” She said, and they all rose, joining hands one last time, their laughter starting before they were even at risk of falling.
It echoed as Vessa opened her eyes to a sterile white room. The numbers telling of others’ deaths rather than her own. She stared up at the ceiling as she raised her hand into the air, moving it in a circle.
Tears welled in her eyes as she gasped for breath. She was fine. Her number was at 100% but still she struggled.
“The moon changes into different shapes.” Vessa rasped out through sobs, tears spilled down her cheeks to pool in her ears. No one said anything. Because of course they didn’t. Capsa was dead, as was Samilla. And the rest?
Vessa closed her eyes shut, wishing she could go back to that moment. Where she had no idea how much worse things could get.
“I murdered a child, Samilla, and I felt happy as I did it. And her voice? She was scared, and in pain. I did that. Samilla. I did that. You wouldn’t smile at me now. You would call me a monster.” Vessa said and then cried herself back to sleep. Her mind yearning to go back to that moment. Instead, all Vessa got was a repeat of the girl’s screams. Her head hurt and there were numbers counting down as the crowd fled. Had she got to see her parents one last time? Or had it been of everyone fleeing?
Maybe the girl’s last sight was of Vessa. The torrent of the stampede parting so that the girl could see her. The dream changed to the girl running through the opened space to Vessa and begging her to make the counting stop, over and over, and over again.