I began this journey thinking that somehow I fit in this whole story and maybe I do but... I don’t know how. When I arrived the second time on Ahch-To I thought I had a stable start, that I knew the difference between good and evil and did the right thing by turning my back on Kylo. But is it so? My mind tells me not to listen to what I have witnessed in the cave but my heart tells me otherwise. I am conflicted. My dear reader, whether I shall be walking the right or the wrong path, remember that I decided to document my journey from now on for two reasons:

1. I must remain sane in an insane world

2. I do not know if I will survive this war or for how long, but I want you to find out the untamed truth about a journey not of a hero but of a broken soldier, a small pawn that hopes one day will make a difference on the outcome.

When this war will be over, lies will be fed off to people, no matter who wins. Other legends will be born, other villains, other failures... as it happened already and it is a cycle that will never end because it is in our existence to ask for a balance instead of eradicating one of the sides. Kylo Ren, the almighty villain in this whole story, told me a truth I just now learned that I should of listened to: not to join any side. How this young man can be a villain in everybody’s eyes if his heart is as conflicted as mine? I have felt it. My feelings of hatred are long forgotten and are now replaced with compassion, sadness and guilt. Maybe it is just the effect of the visions but for the first time in my life, when he stood in front of me, I felt myself complete... like it was the exact place I had to be and nowhere else.

This is where I get totally lunatic for a second and admit that I miss his presence. I know it sounds bad, wake up, Rey, he’s the bad guy. And I’m smiling now as I write these words, but it is a bitter one because I do not believe so. My feelings went places since I was brought back from that cave... and deep down in my soul, I pray that the shadow figure I saw was him. My mind screamed after him but my lips were sealed. And I regret every second of it whenever I come to think about that moment. I wanted to apologise for everything that happened in his past, for everything that he had to go through, for my own foolishness to not think of both sides, but just mine. I was SELFISH!!! And I regret every moment of it. He's not here to know it and it slowly and painfully kills me.

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I feel stuck. I cannot move on from this place. I am not a Jedi at heart, but I know I am a warrior. I am not going to take sides anymore, I will retreat probably here and abandon all of my hope but that feels so wrong... why doesn’t the Resistance feel like home anymore? Kylo mentioned that I do not know them like he does...

Rey took a break from writing to think for a moment and a thought suddenly crossed her mind like a revelation.

What if the Resistance is just using me and my powers? All of the friendships I formed? Fake. Maybe there is a special bond between me and Kylo and they want to exploit it by me destroying him. How would that be? Fucked up if you ask my opinion. It’s just a thought that crossed my mind and I’m hoping it’s not the case but nevertheless, I chose to write it down.

My dear reader, one of the hardest lessons I learned is to never trust grand stories about anyone. Seriously. They are just lies. Luke Skywalker, the legend of the Jedi, the most powerful of them all was actually the biggest coward I have met in my life. He attempted murder on his own nephew based on a voice in his head and he barely tried to fight it. When he failed, he chose to abandon everything and come live on Ahch-To, create a mysteriously puzzled map that made no sense if he didn’t want to be found and chose to live his life in a completely peaceful environment. Oh, and I don’t want to forget this, but he enjoyed drinking blue milk in a manner I am ashamed to write down to you because you will think I am making it all up. Now, I would not do him any justice to say that his lessons weren’t helpful in my journey because I would be lying. But same as his nephew, I sensed conflict in him and most importantly, shame. Maybe I will find more one day and I will make sure to write down all the details, maybe you will see more to the story than I did.

Hopefully, when you read this, there will be peace because I was born in war and in war I might die, but for a better future I fight. This should suffice for today otherwise I might drag you down along with me in a depressive state of mind I can’t seem to get out of. Because, for the moment, I feel... useless.