Okokokokokok…

Look.

I know I’ve made mistakes.

I’m a dog. Sue me! We’re practically born to mess up. Have you seen how tiny and fluffy I am? It’s a wonder I haven’t been skinned and used as a hat at this point.

But when you see two things only spoke of in legends…

…especially a pair that big.

I mean…

Excuse me for having a sense of objective curiosity!

I am a dog, after all. I’m What do you think I am? Some kinda-

“PERVERT!”

SWIPE!

An arc of steel slices the tips of my erect back-hairs and that reminds me that, once again, I’m in mortal danger.

And that means – you guessed it! – time to run.

“Mongrel!” My pointy eared, silver-blade wielding pursuer bellows. “You will answer for your crime!”

As I clear the front door of the mossy hut and bolt down a rickety bridge through what looks like a village of similarly moss-coated huts built into a high wall that surrounds us. I jump from the bridge and roll into the thatched roof of one such hut – narrowly avoiding yet another swipe this crazed woman makes at me.

I crash through the roof almost instantly. And as well as insulting me (I personally felt I’d lost some weight these last few days!) I’ve apparently woken up the residents of this little dwelling…

“Oh, oh dear…” one woman moans as she awakes, finds that there is a Corgi on top of her bedsheets (that’s yours truly) and promptly begins to scream.

In the process, the blanket covering her is thrown off, and – well – it turns out this woman has a partner.

And they both seem to sleep…what’s the term the humans use? ‘Commando’ style…

“Agathemiel! Malikiera!” my assailant yells as she somersaults through the air after me. “Apprehend this fiend!”

“Sorry!” I shout before diving off the bed and, seeing the flash of silver twinkle out the corner of my eye, skid out of the hut and down yet another bridge.

[Doggie Dash]

Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun!

I do just that.

And through my skidding down this bridge onto a little grassy hillock I start to get a bettwe grasp on my surroundings. There’s what looks like a village square at the bottom of this vertical incline, and a massive waterfall dominating the Northern wall of this walled fortress.

Then my nose bonks itself against the side of one layer of the thick brown wall, and a started [Snoop] tells me the truth:

Fungal Growth: Glenheim Shroom

Effect: Light (Sapphire) up to 50ft radius

My nose twitches, eyes flash to the top of this place, and follows the lines of huts built at various intersections up what I now understand to be the insides of a giant mushroom.

“Ooooooh,” I whisper. “So that’s why these girls are cra-“

“FIEND! Turn, hellhound! Turn!”

I avoid a thrust aimed directly at my forehead and feel once again a few hairs get snipped off my brow.

Damn this girl is fast!

She snarls as she tries to unstick her blade from the side of the shroom-wall.

“Look!” I shout. “Listen! I can explain. I didn’t kno-“

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A slice through the air before my nose that only barely misses me shuts me up good.

And just like that, I’m running again.

“Swifty!” I call out, hearing the pitter-patter of the girl’s bare feet on the bridge I’m currently barreling down. “Swifty! I take back everything I ever said about you! Wherever you are – HELP ME!”

[Doggie Dash]

BLOCKED

Cooldown: 24 hrs

DAMN IT!

My little legs start slowing down and I feel the plank behind me get smashed by another well aimed strike. I falter before falling down and landing in what looks like a communal hut. Crashing through the roof again, of course.

I cough through dust and moss and survey my surroundings.

More pointy eared girls are staring at me, halfway through consuming what looks like a bunch of gelatinous cubes. Each one wears a tight fitting toga wrapped around her with hem, and in the middle of their little congregation, being petted and pampered like a hero come home from war…is Swiftrunner.

I blink at him, suppressing a panic attack.

“Swift?!”

He looks at me like he’s in a dream, his face cradled by the thin, pale hands of the girls.

“Raziel,” he purrs like a kitten. “It is so good to see you alive and well!”

I cough up more moss. “What’s going on here?!” I shout as the women start to crowd around, looking up and pointing at something quickly approaching through the hole I made in their house…

“It’s okay, Little-Brother,” Swiftrunner continues. “We’ve landed in the perfect place. I’ve told them all about you – us – and your quest. They say they want to help! They say they have always welcomed the –“

“LIGHTBORN!”

The battle-cry comes from behind, as the figure of my silver-clad pursuer lands as I did - embedding her blade in the ground and rising like a warrior about to strike down a great demon from the nethers.

She aims her blade at my startled face.

“This creature saw fit to man-handle my flesh and blood!” she declares. “In the name of Mistress Palka, I invoke the right to a duel!”

‘That’s not true!” I wail pathetically. “I’ve never manhandled anyone’s flesh, let alone their blood! Well, ok, maybe that’s not entirely true. But my intentions have always been pure! I’m just a Corgi! I’m just –“

I see the fury on her face hasn’t abated at all, and as he comes at me poised to make another thrust, I face the muddy ground and do what I do best:

[Dig]

I hear her cry of fury as I tunnel through the dirt and edge my way towards freedom. My paws work faster than they’ve ever worked, and I’m just hoping against all hopes that the dig ability doesn’t run out before…yes!

Success!

I see light appear from outside my little tunnel, and I claw through the last dry heaps of mud.

Then I fall.

Because – oh yeah – THIS PLACE IS A VERTICAL DEATHTRAP, REMEMBER?

And as I fall, I take some time to reflect on the beauty of this place. No word of a lie, dying here, in the belly of a giant shroom, surrounded by women with nice soft hands…it’s not the worst way to go.

Then I remember: if I die, I’ll probably have to spend eternity with that Pale Man again.

[Tailcopter]

Nah. Not today.

My tail keeps me afloat as I take in the whole village. Because that’s what it is – an honest-to-goodness village inside a mushroom that’s probably fifty feet tall.

[Tailcopter] duration: 15 secs

I ‘copter down to the village square at the base of the shroom and shake myself free of twigs and moss. The biggest hut by far is down here – a triangular building with a thatched roof and some little carved effigies outside. All of them depict pointy-eared naked women either praying, dancing, or fighting.

When my eyes hover over the image of one of them with a raised blade, I instantly get the feeling that I should turn around…

…and meet the real thing.

My attacker stands with her sword drawn at her side, angled down, stalking towards me on poised feet that look like they could propel her forward at any moment. Her short, cropped hair is dusted with mossy leaves, and her armor shines in the unnatural light that beams from the top of this place.

Behind her comes a whole crowd – with Swiftunner at their head.

“Raziel!” he shouts. “Oh, tell me you did not commit the gravest sin against the people of Glenheim!”

I cock my head at the pampered pooch. “The people of what now?!”

“Glenheim!” my attacker shouts, slicing her blade through the air in front of her. “The name of our sacred grove, and that of our Sisterhood.”

The crowd have started mumbling amongst themselves, pointing long-nailed fingers at me and looking on as though there’s nothing they can do at all.

My attacker holds her head up high.

I get the feeling she’s not one of those people intimidated by a crowd.

“I am Myrathellon of the Glenmaidens,” she declares. “And my honor demands satisfaction!”

Yep. We got a crowd pleaser, right here…

“I bore witness to this creature as he fondled my sister,” she continues, pointing an accusatory finger at me as more pale women come out onto their balconies to witness this spectacle. “This being – Lightborn or no Lightborn – is not immune to our laws. Any who live within the walls of Glenheim shall follow the will of Glenheim!”

A bunch of nods follow her statement and I realize, a little too late, that this feels like more of a trial than a chase sequence, now…

“I demand a duel to restore the honor of my sister!” she shouts. “Let the walls of the great fungus tremble if my cause is unjust.”

Silence. Then: a gasp from the crowd.

“Raziel!”

The voice is Swiftrunner’s. He’s screamed my name just as he throws my rusty scimitar towards me.

It lands at my paws, and my eyes begin shifting between the handle of the blade, the determined face of the wounded warrior, and the ever-silent, ever-watchful crowd all around us.

“Pick up your weapon, Lightborn,” the girl says.

I gulp.

“Wouldn’t you accept an apology and a fond pawshake instea-“

Her sword slices a falling leaf clean in two that I hadn’t even seen float down from above.

And, well, I guess that answers my question.

“Be brave, Little-Brother!” Swiftrunner calls from the sidelines. “Remember: fear is the warrior’s downfall!”

Right. Yeah. Easy for you to say, Swifty. You’re practically one of them. What on earth would dear Snappingjaw think?

I look up at my assailant, heave a light sigh, and snatch up the scimitar’s handle in my mouth.

A collective gasp travels through the crowd. Even the proud warrioress is surprised I wield the sword with such confidence.

But she shows no signs of being impressed when our eyes met again.

“You are the challenged party,” she says. “To you goes the courtesy of the first blow.”