The real Jabberwocky
Disclaimer:
Read the disclaimer from
Just exchange „Dracula“ with „Alice in Wonderland (book and animated classic)“, „Pokémon“ with „Alice in Wonderland (book and animated classic)“ and „Twilight“ with „Alice in Wonderland (live action movie)“ and you're set.
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Did you ever wonder what kind of drugs the authors of children's books take to write content that is imaginative enough to ensnare the little buggers? Whenever I read the classic „Alice in Wonderland“ or see the pictures in Dr. Seuss' books of distorted food and abstract animals I just want to travel back in time, meet the authors and ask for some of their... stuff... to give me some creative trips. I mean tips, sorry about that, tips! I don't do drugs, not counting beer and chocolate, but just watch Disney's classic movie adaption of „Alice“ and it will lead you to question the reason of life more when you're sober than 10-20 rounds of beer with your drinking buddies. Seriously, the movie is awesome.
I'm not talking about the live action one, that shit was aweful!
I get that the Jabberwocky is a cool creature, but It would have been a million times better if they made an animated movie out of „Through the Looking-Glass“ and titled it „Alice 2“. Disney shits out enough sequels every year anyways, they could at least not try to ruin a great classic! That's my job! Let me show you how it's done, Disney!
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One of the most common fears people have are gigantic versions of animals they deem repulsive such as spiders, lizards and snakes. Isn't that simply preposterous? Spiders keep every student's abode cleaner than the students themselves, lizards are the inspiration for the world's most badass standard monster, the dragon, and snakes are just the cutest!
However there once was a prophet whose even more prophetic protegé had a dream of the most heinous horrors humanity would ever have to face. The name of said prophet was Lewis Carroll and his protegé was called Alice. They were regarded far and wide as impeccable fortune tellers able to predict anything and everything. They wrote two books about the two biggest obstacles humanity would have to overcome in order to reach enlightenment.
One threat was the inner struggle which was about a foretold gambling addiction that would grab hold of the hearts of all the people in the world like an enchanting, mesmerizing queen. This age came upon with the dawn of virtual reality games and the waves of this unrest in human society took a century to settle down. Finally a form of normal life was once more achieved as all gamblers and players were killed of by debtors for the debts they had accumulated to pay for the upkeep of their high power consumption virtual reality capsules. In order to not fall victim to the temptation of virtual reality again humanity forsake all its technology, effectively bringing them back to an era comparable to the stone age. Talk about overkill.
The second threat humanity was going to face would be a material one and it was so gruesome that Alice always lost her voice for a year when she attempted to describe it and went limp when she tried to write down its appearence. The only thing she could ever voice was it's name:
Jabberwocky.
Now you, dear reader, are probably thinking:
IncognitoMe is telling us bullshit, „Alice in Wonderland“ and „Through the Looking-Glass“ are children's books. Well, you have been warned.
Because this is what THEY want you to think. Carell's prophecies were held in high regard on the time of their release, but a secret cult praying for the coming of the Jabberwocky managed to swap the prophecy of Alice, which was meant to be used as the anecdote for the apocalypse in the last chapter of the bible, with a third rate horror story by a junkie named „Book of Revelation“ for the bible's newest reprint.
Since than the evil society calling itself „Wizards in Wonderland“ controlled the publisher of the bible, not letting the any new revisions pass through. As to the members of „Wizards in Wonderland“ themselves, they were priests in the church that weren't content with their oath of abstinence and the fact that they would remain virgins forever. I do guess that's a valid reason to flip the shit out, so I don't blame them.
The two books, Carell's work as a prophet and even Alice's existence were wiped of the history records.
Luckily, a single copy of Carell's text was rescued and published independently, but without a huge publisher's backing nobody managed to grasp the true meaning and significance of the books and everyone saw them as simple children's tales. With the end of the virtual reality age, the church had faced extinction and all existing books were banned, so neither side of the problem lived to see the outcome of the Jabberwocky's descent.
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Now the age of virtual reality is over and everyone is living the harmonious life as farmers, hunters and gatherers. Compared to the time before virtual reality there has only been one major shift in the biospere:
There are dinosours everywhere.
These are the remnants of genetic expeimentations during the technological age, roaming the lands. But humans have learned to come to terms with it and are now breeding triceratops as cattle and raptors as steeds. One particular quirk that the new age dinosours posess is a rather limited capability of speech. An especially crazy genetic engineer who was a big fan of Pokémon gave the dinosours the ability to say their own name and only their own name if they were given one by their hatchers. This meant that all wild dinosaurs were rather uncreative, for example raptors named themself „Raptor“.
On the contrary all homegrown dinosaurs came in all name's and sizes. As a result the most profitable job was the dinosour egg thief, as everyone wanted a T-rex called Fluffypuffy or something similar.
A secondary purpose for dinosour eggs was being a deluxe ingredient for pancakes, but that's just a side note.
One of these egg thiefs was a young man called Protagonist. Whoever his parents were had an aweful sense for naming, but let's just overlook this obvious flaw in incredibly poor writing. Protagonist was one of the best egg thiefs around as he mastered the art of raptor riding so he could always make a quick escape when an enraged dinosour parent tried to kill him. His trusted raptor Alan could probably take a top spot in the raptor racing pits, but Alan was looking for a more thrilling life than a raptor breeder. So he went out on the hunt for rare monster eggs.
But on one of his hunting trips he stumbled upon something interesting.
„I tell you Alan, that was a close call with that one T-Rex, I'm glad you got my back!“
„Alan.“
The raptor proudly stretched his neck and winks at Protagonist.
„Do you think it's still following us? I mean, after all you decked it's mate and it was looking like a pissed of husband there. I was just asking you to make some noise to attract the guard.“
„Alan.“
The raptor questioningly stared at Protagonist.
„I know you got the job done, I'm not complaining. It was a great distraction to lure the male away from the nest, but why are you always hooking up with taken ladies in a relationship? With your looks any hot single female raptor would fall kisser over claws for you.“
„Alan.“
The raptor banged his chest with his tiny claws as if to brag about his abs and say < Come at me bro >.
„Do you, like, get off on the aspect of NTRing the female dinos from their partners, you sick bastard?“
„Alan.“
The raptor let's out a low growl like a giggle and nuzzles Protagonist with his snout.
„I know, Alan, I know I'm no better, but forbidden fruits just taste better.“
„Alan.“
Seeing that he won the discussion, the raptor straightens his back and puts on a smug face.
„What do you say that T-Rex was a dead fish in bed, have at least some decency when you're talking about your last fling!“
„Alan.“
With drooping eyes as if he's reflecting a little, the raptor halts his step and pouts instead.
„No no my friend, you can't just act as if nothing happend and turn your head away to pretend innocence. Hey, that doesn't count either! Stop with the puppy eyes! Bad Alan, bad. No triceratop steak for you toniaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH.“
Suddenly the ground under protagonist's feet caves in and he disappears in the darkness. The raptor blinks in surprise, drops on his ass and and sits there for a second in silence. Then he screams on the top of his lungs:
„AAAAALLLLLAAAAANNNNN!!!!!“
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„Fuck!“
Not even a speck of sunlight could be seen from the bottom of the hole where Protagonist was.
The muddy ground was uneven and the earthy smell had a hint of tea to it. A good sense of smell is imperative for dino egg thieves because female dinosours are in heat all year round and only stop releasing pheromones when they are pregnant. As long as there are pheromones in the air you can bet the nest with eggs is about to be left unattended to make more eggs. I know this mating cycle makes no sense but deal with it, I almost failed biology in class.
Following the lingering scent of tea further down into the hole Protagonist stumbled through the darkness for another hour before before he arrived at a corridor of doors. Guessing where this was heading Protagonist tried to open the first door on his right. All his expectations were betrayed, however, as the door easily opened and he walked into a warm and cozy living room. What greeted him was the alluring figure of a buxom animated beauty with red hair in a sparkling red dress lieing seductively on a white couch.
„Who are you?“
It took Protagonist a whole minute to form this sentence that only left his mouth along with a ridicoulus amount of saliva.
„Why me, I am Jessica. Jessica Rabbit. And what's your name, handsome stranger? Did you come done the rabbit hole?“
The beauty stood up and walked over to Protagonist with hips swaying in a rhythmic manner.
The question snapped Protagonist out of his stupor. Regaining his composure he put on his best pretty boy smile and replied:
„The name is Protagonist. I do have to tell you, you are incredibly sexy. To answer your other question, I did fall down a hole and I think I injured myself a little. It seems I developed a whole new bone and it's massive. Could you maybe take a look at it for me?“
„Uuuuh, Protagonist, that sounds so manly. What do you say we wait for my partner Lola Bunny to come back and have us a nice threesome? Right now Lola is chasing after time because the White Rabbit job always demands that. But it will be over shortly so why don't we two warm ourselves up a little until then? We won't have to worry about stains on the couch after all.“
Jessica opened the zipper on the back of the red dress slowly and let it drop to the floor, revealing a beautiful feminine body with no flaws.
„You know, ever since I dropped that wuss Roger to try a same sex relationship with Lola instead I've been yearning to once more eat up a little cutie like you.“
Protagonist's jaw dropped to the ground.
„WHY DO YOU HAVE A MASSIVE DICK?! JESSICA IS A GIRL'S NAME!!!“
Jessica's body had almost flaws. But he's a guy. Protagonist just lost his shit:
„SAME SEX RELATIOSHIP WITH LOLA? SHE'S NO SEXY BUNNY GIRL BUT A DUDE AS WELL? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? YOU MEAN ROGER WAS THE ONLY GIRL YOU MENTIONED? BUT THAT WAS THE ONLY GUY'S NAME???“
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
CRASH. The door was suddenly broken open.
„Who dares scream at my honey bunny Jessica in my rabbit hole?!“
An incredibly buff humanoid rabbit with a height of 2,50 meters broke down the unlocked door and storms into the room. „Don't worry Jessica baby, Lola is back!“
„Ooh, thank you sweety, but you don't have to worry. Look!“
Jessica calmed Lola down and pointed at Protagonist who suffered a breakdown and lay on the ground in shock, whimpering.
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„I'm sorry to break this to you but animated characters are made to defy common sense Protagonist. There are no such boundaries as gender specific names or figure and attire for us toonies. To tell you the truth, a rough estimate of 50% of the female looking animated characters are male and the other way round.
Now that all the traditional animaters are gone and don't draw us anymore, we copulate naturally and always give our kids gender neutral names. The tightest panty shot doesn't tell anything about a toonies real gender. When I was back in middle school and straight, my upperclassman Haruhi Suzumiha once took me up to the infirmary, stripped down to her undies and BAMM penis. That moment changed my life and awakened me!“
After an hour Protagonist was finally calm again so Lola explained the birds and the bees of the animated world to him.
„But if you don't ask the other person for their gender beforehand it is an acknowledgement that you're bisexual and open for tentacles and everything. It is extremely rude to refuse someone after they have undressed and punishable by sacrifice to the Jabberwocky!“
Lola was still extremely pissed that Protagonist broke the code of conduct in the animation society and insulted his huband. Yes, toon society was progressive enough to allow same sex marriage. Poor Protagonist, he didn't stand a chance against the 2m+ bunny and was quickly wrapped up. Lola shouldered and carried him to a wide empty field with a huge amount of bottomless pits.
„You see Protagonist, surviving in toon society is quite difficult. For not doing the deed when your partner undressed, you get thrown to the Jabberwocky. For not finishing your dinner, Cthulhu awaits. Having a harem of girls? They will leave you to the magical girl Miltan.
People get reminded of situations when they were still drawn by artists and controlled too easily. Pretty much all cliché situations from back than now leave you with a death penalty. All these holes contain creatures with apocalypse level powers and pretty much all of them had some doomsday prophecy that should come into play sometime. Only these magically enchanted pits keep them from destroying the world.
Your Jabberwocky for example had some fanatics in church awaiting his descend but we stopped his rampage and put him down. Haha, get it, we put him down. In a pit.“
As Protagonist refused to laugh at that miserable attempt of a joke he got thrown into the pit with the label
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„Fuck! Falling down a damn pit twice in a day. Damn Incognitome is being uncreative again.“
After landing on the bottom and screaming out his frustration, Protagonist got slapped hard by an invisible hand. He learned his lesson and shut up. Good boy.
After all it was thanks to his author that he survived 2km free fall without a reasonable explanation.
„So they send me another person who couldn't perform the deed.“
An incredibly deep voice resonated through the room. Someone lit a candle. A humongus thing half slithered half crawled into the light. It looked truly grotesque. Four furry and slime covered limbs sticking out of a wobbly mass of fat that is covered in scales with singular hairs sticking out. It seemed to not stand on its limbs but rather lie on his belly and slide on a film of slime of it's own making. Its face was disproportionate by having a mouth from ear to ear and no nose. The eyes aren't there, instead two deep black holes can be seen with a black fog hovering around the orifices. It is indescernable whether this thing has bones at all or whether it is just a blob of muscles.
„A-Are you the Jabberwocky?“ Protagonist is trembling in his shoes.
„No! They never get it right. My name is Jabbawookiee!“ The Jabbawookiee starts to throw a fit.
„I hate this! Why can't anyone get my name right? They can say a tongue twister like Cthulhu but not my name? Fuck you, you little imbecile! I'm no Jabberwocky, I'll eat you for that word!“
The Jabbawookiee opens his mouth wide and inches closer to swallow Protagonist in one gulp.
OBLIGATORY FLASHBACK TIME
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A long time ago in a galaxy far far away... blabla death star... blabla rebels... blabla you get it, it's Star Wars.
But what you don't know of is the secret one night stand between Jabba the Hut and Chewbacca's brother! Actually almost no one knows of this. Han Solo probably wouldn't have worked for Jabba if he knew that Jabba porked his partner's brother.
The reason for this is the peculiar mating habits of the Huts. Being part slug part weird space thingy every Hut is a hermaphrodite capable of performing the act of seme and ume. Scuuuuse me, man and woman of course.
Now this isn't all that bad and may still satisfy some kind of weird fetish out there but it is well known throughout the galaxy that although sex with a Hut is supposed to feel incredible their succubic and incubic -do those words even exist?-nature kills their mates while fucking.
Now dear readers, you just asked yourselves how can fucking a gigantic slug feel so awesome. It is part of their demonic powers, the slime/sweat they slither on contains the most powerful aphrodisiac in the universe. The lucky victims don't even notice their enormous fatigue and growing dehydration which leads to death through spontaneaus combustion after days of fluid robbing sex.
On the contrary a Hut is supposed to look like a healthy anaconda with arms after an act of succesful copulation.
Following I will give you a few memorable quotes from this 187 hour sex marathon which probably shouldn't have been taken out of context:
1. … Sex with you is like sleeping on and fucking with a waterbed at the same time. I just wouldn't wanna be on the bottom...
2. … Oh yeah, spank that fat so hard that I feel the backlash rippling for eternity...
3. … The only thing I hate is that I can't hug you at the same time you hug me honey...
4. … Teach me that trick to fuck your ass while you fuck mine at the same time! Or do I need slug anatomy for that?...
and finally:
5. … The force is coming and its color is light!
And thus Jabbawookiee was made. Growing up while never knowing his... second parent left deep scars in Jabbawookiee's mind.
Except for the doting parent he still had he was seen as a disgrace by the rest of the Hut clan. He was the first love child of Hut/Wookiee ancestry and nobody had expected some of the Wookiee genes to develop as Hut genes are usually dominant and surpress other phenotypes.
However his aphrodisiac powers were enhanced to another level. If he didn't tightly control his perspiration level just the fumes of his sweat would start a sexcraze that would go on until death for anyone in a distance of 1km of Jabbawookiee. But it didn't end there. His aprodisiac also contained a contagen that led to the rise of the sex craze pandemic that eventually wiped out the entire Star Wars galaxy.
At some point the books in the franchise will catch up to this, trust me.
When Jabbawookiee finally gained control over his body fluids 10.000.000 years after the sex pandemic he set out to explore the other galaxies. He destroyed some of them when he lost control over his sweat before he was finally cast into the 2km deep pit on earth, effectively containing him.
Jabbawookiee was happy that he didn't kill a galaxy anymore when he was literally giving a shit, but he got very angry that not a single person was apparently able to pronounce his name right. After alll he was infamous enough for having destroyed countless galaxies.
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Jabbawookiee's teeth were only millimeters away from Protagonist's arteries when a huge falling raptor carrying something slammed down right into his back.
„ALAN!“
The proud and happy raptor announced its entrance and turned to Protagonist. On his back sat a toonie in a female school uniform that gave Protagonist an all knowing smirk.
„I'm happy to see you, too, buddie. But how did you get here?“
Protagonist could only sigh, having just escaped certain death.
The toon chimed in to say:
„I saw him standing in front of the entrance hole to the corridor of doors. As I wanted to visit a school friend of mine down there I gave him poke and he fell down. I felt bad about that as I only wanted to ask him to step out of the way. As compensation I helped him find you. I only had to give him another push when he stood atop this pit. He is a little pussy, isn't he?“ The toon let out a happy giggle.
„Seriously IncognitoMe, this time you were even to lazy to think up two ways for Alan to get down into a pit?“ A heavy invisible slap hit Protagonist on his other cheek. After a second he calmed down again and stopped criticizing the author's impeccable and creatice writing.
He turned to the toon and started: „Now listen here, I only have one question for you, are you...“
Suddenly Protagonist saw Jabbawookiee moving to his despairation. He cut his question short to shout:
„Alan, Hyper Beam, NOW!“
Remember the Pokémon crazy genetic engineer? That was another gift of his. New stone age was truly paradise.
Alan's Hyper Beam evaporated half of the Jabbawookiee's body leaving effectively killing him. The Jabbawookie whispers with his last breath:
„I'm not going down alone, I'll take you with me Protagonist! I have opened my sweat pores again to infect this room with my unstoppable sex craze. Wait, what's that? My aphrodisiac seems to have degenerated because I didn't use it these last millenia. You lucky bastards will at most be affected for three days. Be happy you won't die yet, you fuckers!“
With that Jabbawookiee closes his eyes forever.
„Hey you, Protaganist right? To answer your question, it is about my name right? I am Haruhi Suzumiha.“
Spoiler :
These are the conditions I gave myself for this one shot:
After a comment from the last chapter, this was my reply:
> Wrote: So for the next one shot a raptor that can say "Alan " is now casted.
> Wrote: For the next one shot, I want a character of your choosing to die from tons of sex... by 1 super fat character.
Please tell me your reaction when I destroyed the prophecy build up midway. MUHAHAHA, just imagining you reading that info blog and the content becoming irrelevant cracked me up while writing.
Also, please no more scene suggestions, that's too big a thing to incorporate and build up to in a one shot.
Please stick to characters/franchises and weird single sentences. I can always bring those things in there in a good random way and use more of them jumbled together!