Spoiler :
This was actually a submission for the June contest so the snippet of death will appear. It sadly didn't make the cut as it broke the R-18 requirements a little too much. Still I wanted to get this story out there to receive some feedback.
Pancakes and rubber dildos
Disclaimer:
This story is completely random. It will borrow elements from several works of art (e.g. Dracula), works afflicted with nostalgia (e.g. Pokémon) and works of horror (e.g. Twilight) and possibly twist their intent and taint your memory of them in ways you will never forget. If you value your innocent childhood, get the fuck out of here. Oh yes, foul language may also be used occasionaly to make up the larger part of the story.
Furthermore, this fiction might insult anything regardless of species, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity and whatever serious word you might think of.
So you better don't read this if you're a stuck up whiny pussy (? sexism right there!) that can't take shit because said offensive shit is funny shit. Usually. You have been warned.
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You know those days where you just wake up and think to yourself:
I want to eat pancakes!
That's me right now; making the pancakes I want to eat for breakfast on my veranda. I make awesome pancakes. Godly fluffy pancakes with powdered sugar and drowned in enough maple sirup to immediately cause diabetes type 1, 2 AND 3 simultaniously to the consumer of a single bite. Heaven incarnate. Straight down from the god of mapleism to confuse the pagans and incite carnage and destruction in the world. I'm getting of track here, but those pancakes would make you drop the hottest girl in front of you so you can eat them up and dig in for breakfast instead of eating her up and digging in for the 23rd time in the morning. They are that good.
Especially the smell, so sugary sweet, is immensly attractive to anything. Not just humans mind you, no, because here is where it starts. The sweet maple smell of my pancakes attracts a huge crowd of different creatures.
First with a perfect nose for blood and maple sirup come the vampires. Real vampires, not glittering teen pussies making other teen pussies wetter than the Niagara Falls. But alas, as real vampires die in the sun light, they never came close enough to my veranda and turn to ashes in seconds. Fight on noble vampires, the music of the children of the night will never be drowned out by screaming little girls.
The second wave consists of a horde of Pokémon, as the smell is apparently similar to honey smeared on a tree. Now this situation is quite awkward as there are no wild Pokémon around and the Pokémon are followed by a third wave of creatures, this time their very angry trainers.
The first one of them lashes out straight away when he comes up to me:
„You *BEEPING* *BEEEEEP*, how dare you take away my sweet little Pikachu! *BEEPING* son of a *BEEEP*, you *BEEEEEP*! Don't you know I have to stand under that *BEEPING* tree over there for 24/7 in case that one little ten year old *BEEP* from Pallet Town comes around to battle? You're putting me in dire straits over here *BEEEEP*, I might lose my job over this *BEEEEEEP*!“
I'm extremely surprised by his choice of words, so I can only reply after a few seconds of awkward silence:
„Why the fuck are you speaking in censor? Didn't you read the disclaimer, you can say as many fucks, shits, cunts pricks or whatever the hell you want to in this story.“
The enranged trainer, he looks like a bug catcher to me, suddenly starts bawling. It's a really sorry sight, some Rocket grunt starts comforting him for a while before turning towards me:
„Let me tell you tell you you little *BEEP*, I am working for a global evil organisation here, but you are the most evil *BEEEEP* I've ever seen, making the little guy cry from jealousy.“
„Why the hell are you talking in censor, too, you're a lowly punk from an evil organisation! Act your fucking role! How did I make him jealous anyway? This makes no sense.“
I just can't keep up with this, why am I the bad guy here?
„You do know that all of us come from a game for kids, our programming doesn't permit us to speak in vile words. I mean there are people *BEEPING*, sorry, complaining about Jynx's design or some minor cases of epilectic shocks from the TV series in Japan. What do you think would happen if we spoke bad words? We might as well kill Pokemon at the end of a fight instead of letting them faint.“
Luckily for me the ever helpful nurse Joy explains the circumstances for me.
Oh nurse Joy, comforting me all my life, what would I do without you? But no I indeed feel like the bad guy with these pitiful programs around me.... and it feels awesome! Damn, now I get why people bully others. It's wonderful seeing the less fortunate cry in the dirt.
„MUHAHAHAHAHA“, epic evil lough, „cough couch cough, MUHAHAHAHAHA.“
I just have to use this opportunity, so I turn to the little bug catcher, smile as if to console him and say:
„Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Damn this shit sounds freaking aweful! What a prissy cunt that little bitch of a producer is. Must be trying to compensate for his limp dick by making you poor fuckers unable to say what you want. Fuck, I feel for you man.“
His eyes have turned into fountains by now, this is great. Nurse Joy and the grunt look at me with scorn in their eyes. NOOOOO, not you ,too, my nurse Joy.
… it's been five minutes and Buggy is still crying. By now I feel bad. Damn, I should have never been a bully. Let's check that under sins I comitted in my youth and never talk about it again. Yeah...
„Listen here buddy, I didn't mean it that way. Calm down, what you say, want a pancake?“
Now love me nurse Joy, see, I'm doing good.
„I'll trade my pancake for a good Pokémon if you have a good one.“
Pain and gain bitch, this ain't no charity. Oh nooo, don't look at me nurse Joy!!!
Little Buggy looks desperate but says in the end:
„I – I've got a Metapod Lvl. 3, a Kokuna Lvl. 3 and a Pikachu Lvl. 4. B-but I really l-l-love them, can't I have a pancake for free?“
He's turning on the puppy eyes. Not the puppy eyes! That's foul play! Must… resist... longer... than... other... trainers!!!
Finally one of them cracks under the pressure. Oh my God, it's Giovanni! Right, with those levels that bug catcher has to be from the Veridian forest. Giovanni tosses me a ball and says:
„Just take this Persian Lvl 80, but give me three pancakes so that I can eat them in front of these people.“
He really deserves to be the head of Team Rocket. He's evil. On the other hand, he's nice to do business with. Sweet. I give him three pancakes:
„OK, but you only get that much because I'm a cat person.“
Giovanni and I start eating our pancakes under the glares of the trainers while making as much eating noise as possible to make them even more jealous. The two of us share a look, he must be a kindred soul! He nods knowingly. I really l admire the way he chews with his mouth open to show off the delicious pancake. I'll try that, too! Look at me! Giovanni-senpai, notice me!
Stop, WRONG, this won't turn into a MeXGiovanni flickfic! Maybe if I can get nurse Joy to join...? I could offer her a pancake. NO STOP, stop that thought.
While I am thinking what to do, Giovanni is left with half a pancake. He suddenly takes it in his hand and says generously :
„I'm not that hungry anymore, come here little bug catcher, you may have this half pancake.“
PLOP. Giovanni drops the pancake on the veranda. Then he steps on it. Repeatedly. Then he gets his Dugtrio to cover it in dirt. Genius. He's an evil genius. Oh, why do you tempt me so Giovanni-senpai! AAARGH, don't go there, don't even think about it!
Buggy really eats the pancake. That's disgusting. I'm not the only one that thinks so, obviously. Even nurse Joy turns away horrified. The Rocket grunt starts puking. The trainer crowd disperses and I still have five pancakes left. But I can't bear Buggy's sight either, so I wrap them up and turn to leave, taking them for a picnic. I need to get out of here!
With the recent images still vivid in my mind I try to take a nap in a nearby forest clearing to forget the events surrounding Buggy while cuddling with my new Persian. IT'S SO FLUFFY!
But then Persian rocks it's head and stares at a tree, waking me from my blissful slumber. Even I can see the suspicious movements there now. Persian purrs (it's so fluffy!!!).
„Come out, cowardly...coward!“
I dare the unknown adversary bravely to reveal himself, trembling from excitement! I am so excited I'm ready to honorably flee screaming any second! I'm nearly peeing my pants here from excitement!
Then Nurse Joy steps forward from behind a tree. My absolutely controlled shaking from excitement stops as the tension dissipates.
„Hey there sexy, for a nice pancake I'll show you around the world.“
Nurse Joy unbuttoms her uniform. I just stand there slack-jawed. A... different form of excitement overcomes my body. She continues:
„You know, I'm actually quite naughty, but nobody expects that from my personality. Some programmer with a nurse fetish gave me a closet pervert code. It can even override all the child security except the language filter, but if I display my real feelings around the other programs, I'll be treated as a bug and erased. You bad boy totally turn me on, but I can't show that in front of the other programs. It is so... hard... to keep up that... stiff... facade around the towns people. *BEEP* me right now! Give me your rod and balls!“
She drops her purse and her nurse outfit and underneath there is nothing. Sweet nothing. I salute you, unknown programmer! Thank you, truly thank you. She gets down on all fours and comes over two me. Oh yes baby, purr like that. Awrrrrr. Good that I said I'm a cat person. She keeps coming closer. Finally, she's arived. She grabs my crotch, than unfastens my belt. Pulling down my pants hard, you can see little big me pitching up a tent in my boxers. Upon seeing my majestic size, she puts one hand on her own pussy and starts moaning:
„Aaaaah... Nufufufufu, seeing this I'm... aaaah... getting so... uuuuh... wet. I haven't felt this.. ooooaaaah... floaded since that one Squirtle splashed me. Ooooh, yeaaaah. This looks better than... nyaaaa... playing with my... oh, oh, oh,... my Tentacruel. Come here...“
She lies down on the moss and spreads open her legs, inviting me in.
I'm inching closer, still disbelieving in the sight in front of me. That's the innocent crush of my childhood right there, should I really...?
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NOTICE
The graphic description of the... miracle of life, let's call it that, has to be dispensed in order to keep with the contest rules. Sadly. Instead, here comes another perspective introducing other characters to continue the story that will reconnect lose threads in my story that would have shown up later on, so that it will make perfect sense.
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I can see him coming closer, hear him, feel him, smell him, almost taste him. Musk is in the air, promising sweet sweet *BEEPING*. His rod stands upright, almost to attention like a soldier. His body's making is of a soldier, too, prominent muscles promising experience and ecstasy. The sweat follows his body lines on the way down, accentuating his toned body even more. AAAAIYAAA, I can't hold it, can't wait! I gotta have IT, I lasciovously play with myself to enrage him, I'm waiting for him to unleash his beast and rav...
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Oh my god, SO sorry, that just now was the nurse's perspective... Please almighty penguins, don't ban my body of work, that was just a tiny mistake, be merciful, here comes the REAL new perspective and I promise to leave this sinful place for the moment and I will go as far away as possible!
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The pancake detector is picking up the strongest signal since the deployment of the United Starforce. The fleet is currently stationed on the edge of the universe with the farthest possible distance to Earth. Commander Hugh Edward Ick, nicknamed Huge Dick, deploys his best pilot to retrieve the pancakes and their recipe for the military, launching a pod disguised as a meteor with squirrel speed in the direction the sensor picked the signal up from. The pod is bound to arrive in 1 hour at the coordinates. Coincidentally, this leaves our protagonist with enough time to play with his naughty nurse as , you probably guessed it, this signal came from his heavenly pancakes.
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Meanwhile, on the north pole the polar bears hold a meeting concerning a strange smell coming from the south (surprise there, duh!) and are tasking there number one agent James Bear and his brown bear partner Winnie Pooh with the mission of national importance to retrieve the sweet smelling stuff, reciting their Empire's founder's famous words in order to pray for success while pounding their own heads:
Sadly the polar bears don't have the means to arrive at the forest in time and don't play any further role in this story.
On a side note, James Bear died in the south being unable to handle the warmer climate. Upon failure the Great Polar Bear and Winnie Pooh Empire collapsed, leaving only Winnie Pooh to write his memoirs and gaining world fame whilst heavily inflating his role in every event. He even bastardized the great founder's words as
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Contrary to the polar bears, the Penguin Federation of the Southern Seas deploys their submarine squad to the same location, featuring four members. Attracted to the irresistable smell of pancakes, they send their best team. Armed with the traditional stockfish and the newer model stockfish-rocket launcher, Skipper, Rico, Kowalski and Private are perfectly prepared for any possible situation. Due to their superior technology, they won't fail like the polar bears and are set to arrive at our protagonist's location in 30 minutes, coinciding with the arrival of the United Starforce and still leaving our two lovebirds enough time to fuck.
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The last guest for the party is the easter bunny. But he doesn't come for the pancakes. His special easter bunny senses tell him where on the world people go the most at it like rabbits and you guessed right if your thoughts wandered to our couple performing the miracle of life. It is so perverted and wild that my raunchy description didn't touch an ounce of it's scale therefore please penguin overlords, once more, don't ban this story!
...hrmm, getting of track there once more, anyways, the easter bunny arrived already, instantly teleporting to the clearence with his special easter bunny powers and enjoying the view from his deck chair, indulging in his hobby of voyeurism. It's such a sight that even the easter bunny's nose starts bleeding. He got there 30 minutes ago, but it still takes 15 minutes for the penguins and the starforce to arrive. He just continues to watch in silence.
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In a distance of 500 meter around our couple there is nothing else except for the easter bunny and Persian, as the loud humping sound scars everything else away. Everything? No, something extraordinary is happening in nurse Joy's handbag. Remember she's a closet pervert? Due to the immense sexual energy in the air, her trusty giant black rubber dildo awakens to conciousness. Until his first contact with the outside world he is still fabricating and elaborating a bogus explanation for his creation as, come on, a living dildo is ridiculous. But as an unexplainable entity, he has access to such vital information as program hacking, the entire Karma Sutraa, saber fencing knowledge and British myths. Also, as a normal dildo has neither eyes nor ears, it develops a vibrator like function with the possibility to register the echo waves through his sensory exterior, not unlike a bat, but not with sounds but the actual feeling of the vibrational waves, therefore functioning like a sonar. A perfectly logical combination to wrap up this plot in the end.
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...and I finish with my second explosion of pleasure, painting her insides white and leaving both our heads blank, drowned in bliss. It has been nearly an hour since our love session started and I'm unpacking my picnic box, giving one pancake to nurse Joy while taking another for myself.
„Hey, your mobile is ringing in your purse, I can even see it vibrating from over hear. By the way, give me your number, I'll help you with your urges anytime my sexy nurse. For you, I'll even cook pancakes whenever you want.“
„Hmm? That's weird, I don't remember putting my mobile on silent. Whatever. I love that plan honey, I'll get my phone immediatly.“
Just as nurse Joy stands up to put her words into practice, a giant black dildo falls out of the purse and exclaims:
„You thought it would be your phone, but it was me, Excaligasm!“
I'm trying to process this right now. Nurse Joy also looks shocked, so I'm assuming her dildo doesn't talk to her everyday. I' mean come on, are you fucking kidding me, IncognitoMe? Yes, I mean you, how dare you call yourself an author with a botched up story like this? I don't even want to imagine what kind of bullshit you wrote to bridge the R-18 scene, but how could it result in this?! By the way, what the fuck is my name?! You didn't give me one when the story started and I bet all the readers wonder, too.
What? Protagonist? That's supposed to be my name, are you screwing around with me here? That's the most uncreative name I've ever heard. Is that even a name? What do you say? If I don't shut up and play along you'll let the dildo rape me in the next scene??? Did I ever say anything? Protagonist... the more I hear it the better it gets! Yeah, it's an awesome name! You are awesome IncognitoMe! Please don't rape me with a dildo or let me die at the end of this story! You're the best! I love you! Thank you, thank you so much for creating me!... please be appeased...
„... and thus, I, Excaligasm ended up as the final weapon of Morgana Le Fay which she used to clubber King Arthur to death with, ending his tyrannical rule and finally bringing the sexual revolution to England.
Hey, are you listening to me, Protagonist? I just told you of my ancestrial and personal history! Also, there is a penguin squad - four members if you want specifics – coming through the ground water with a submarine and a meteor is crashing down straight at this place. Estimated time of arrival for both things are in three minutes. I guess the highly advanced penguins want to precure the valuable resources from the meteor before the Great Polar Bear and Winnie Pooh Empire stakes a claim. Also, the easter bunny is peeking from over their and your Persian is scared to death of your rod of anal destruction. Nice name for your willy by the way and I love your final shot of certain impregnation.“
„„WHAT?!““ Luckily Joy is as flabbergasted as me. I'm questioning my sanity here. Persian comes up to me and roles on her back, displaying her throat and submissing to the strongest (and only) male around. You're a cat not a dog, don't do this to me Persian! Uuuuh, but your belly fur is nice and fluffy, I love it. Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Damnit, two minutes past just like that with me stroking Persian. I can feel the ground shaking and I also can see the meteorite incoming. Fuck you, black rubber dil*cough, I mean, Excaligasm for telling such an unrealistic truth.
The ground breaks apart as the hull of a submarine emerges and three Penguins jump out.
„Rico, I get that you're hungry, but you shouldn't have eaten Private. I know she was the only girl among us, but eating someone up is just a metaphor. To pay for it, we'll have to use your asshole for sexual relief on the way back. No way around it. You got your orders. Kowalski, whats the situation on the clearing?“
„Sniff sniff... Skipper, telling from the odor, apparently three pancakes remain. I can smell the scent of recent intercourse as well, it smells a little bit like musk. My thesis is that there were five pancakes here here in the beginning and those two humans ate two of them after they were done copulating. Also, there is a very cute kitten. Kowalski out.Oh, wait. Lastly, a huge meteorite is incoming and will smash Rico in three, two, one...“
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
BAAAMMM
„Fuck. Kowalski, you knew earlier about that meteorite. You just wanted revenge on Rico because you were in love with Private. Due to your decision, the duty of anal relieve receptor for the way back now falls on you. Go back into the submarine and think about your actions.“
As the penguin named Kowalski disappears into the submarine, the rocks of the meteorite fall apart and it is revealed to be...
„It is Godzilla!“ Screams the penguin Skipper.
„It's a Gundam!“ Screams nurse Joy.
„I have a boner!“ I can't follow the story's progress so I think fuck it and scream the first thing on my mind.
„What? A Gundam? That makes absolutely no sense!“ Skipper obviously can't deal with IncognitoMe's plot progression. He should have said something funny instead. Amateur.
„What you have a *BEEEP*? I'm also still roaring to go at it.“ At least Joy can keep up with the randomness. Or it's just her real thoughts.
„I am your father!... sorry, just wanted to join in on your conversation.“ The dude in the Gundam seems awesome.
„It was way more interesting when you were fucking, continue doing that.“ Out of nowhere, the easter bunny raises his voice from his deck chair. I agree with him though.
„YOOOOUUUUU!!!!!“ Skipper seems to flip. There must be some history between them. He grabs his Stockfish and rushes up to the easter bunny.
The angry Penguin reaches out and slaps him with a fish. Unexpectedly, the bunny who got slapped is knocked off of his seat by the force.
How does a bunny defiling a penguin maiden look like? No, head cinema off, don't go there Protagonist. But how can you defile one's mind? Does one literally mindfuck? I said head cinema off! Fuck!!! I need to bring clearity to this problem or I will never be able to sleep again! I shout at the top of my voice:
„Penguin bunny kids sound fluffy! Is it a live birth or does it come inside an egg? ...Sorry, wrong question... Hey, I wanted to ask, what exactly happened?“
„Angelique was the cutest penguin maiden ever ever ever! But then she got roped into the cult of the evil fertility god, Satan the easter bunny!“ Skipper glares at the easter bunny / Satan.
„You know, I prefer the name Lucifer, the bringer of light! I'm also not an evil god, I give my followers increased stamina, better chances of conception and praying to me stimulates the growth of certain body parts. I even got my legit god license the regular way. The old man is sometimes just a little prissy that he isn't the most favourite god around anymore. Me and the god of mapleism have finally taken over, MUHAHAHAHAHA. However, in contrast to me the god of mapleism really is evil and gives his people diabetes and incites carnage and destruction in the world.
Now, looking at myfollowerpages.com, the penguin maiden named Angelique is a maiden no more but a happy mother of seven and according to fate at least eight more coming. She's also your wife, but you don't seem to be the father of any of these children. In the confession note I got here it says she cheated on you everytime and will do again if you don't stipulate growth to your dick by converting to my faith. But looking at your outburst just now, you know that already. As a bonus I'll tell you the real father's name as an extra if you convert right here, right now. It's a one time offer you can't get anywhere else.“
The easter bunny / Satan / Lucifer is obviously enjoying this right know, even acting like he is selling something on TV. I bet he'd get along great with Giovanni.
Little Skipper is crying. Penguins are seriously cute when they are crying. I have to find a way to make him cry even more!
„Hey Joy, what do you say to making some kids with me? I don't want to end up like that loser penguin over there, having my girl banged by all the dudes around. You'll only be carrying my babies. Let's start with seven and then let's do at least eight more.“
„You mean it Protagonist? I'd love that. You wouldn't even need to change faith, yours is the biggest I've ever seen! Let's make many little programs together!“ She seems ecstatic of the idea.
„Hey, let me in on the action! It's my raison d'etre as a dildo!“ Excaligasm is up for it, too. I hope he won't question his raison d'etre when he sees he's smaller than me.
„Let me tap that too!“ What exactly is this Gundam even here for?
„Sorry mate, this is my girl. But she could probably introduce you to one of her identical sisters or cousins. You seem pretty chill. But remember, you owe me, bro.“ If I have a Gundam indepted to me, I'll be able to rule the world! Maybe Giovanni-senpai will finally notice me...
„I'm in for it! Let's seal it with a drink like men! I always have this 18-year old Wiser's Canadian Whisky with me, looking for a great moment to open the bottle. To our brotherhood!“
The Gundam's cockpit opens and the pilot jumps down:
„My name is Char Aznable and I got this Gundam 30 minutes ago, killing this annoying little twat Shinji Ikari. That little pussy somehow hijacked my franchise so I blasted him to oblivion. Can you believe it, his last words were: What a loser. The autopilot took me here and meeting you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Can't wait to meet your girl's sisters!“ He fills two glasses with whisky and extends one towards me.
„Mr. Aznable, I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship. But I have to tell you, my pancakes are godly. Here, take one.“ I exchange the offered glass for a pancake and we chugg our drinks down together before filling our cups up again.
„Can you two spare me a glass as well, nice gentlemen? I'd be sure to repay that.“ The easter bunny / Satan / Lucifer asks from the side line.
I shoot him a quick glance and whisper to my new brother:
„Listen Char, having the fertility god owe us sounds great. Let's get him into our small circle so he let's us bang all his cute followers. He'll be delighted by my shot of certain impregnation and you unpacking your plasma cannon.“
I turn to the easter bunny / Satan / Lucifer and say out loud:
„Come one come all, easter bunny slash Satan slash Lucifer. Take a nice glass. Do you want to be my brother as well? Here, you also get the second pancake. I'll take the last one and like breaking the bread and drinking wine together, we'll be like Jesus and his 13 homies, just more awesome with pancakes and whisky.“
„Hahahaha, that sounds promising to me. Good old Jesus knew to party. One time he got so drunk he flipped tables in a temple in Jerusalem. We got along fine, after 40 days with me in the desert he even lied to his dad that he hadn't done anything sinful with me. Boy, was that a trip. I still think the old man offed him because the last supper went way over budget. Call me Lucky, we're bros now after all.“
Lucky takes his glass and downs it like us in one go.
„By the way, I heard you whispering earlier. Bros before hoes dude, anytime you want we can have ourselves a party. Maybe you want to be the father of Angelique's eighth child?“
We're all roaring with laughter for a moment, but Excaligasm interrupts us suddenly:
„Master Protagonist, Skipper stopped crying in his corner and he's now storming over here to attack with his stockfish. Quick, grab me, with my fencing skills we'll hold him off. But only you are worthy to wield me, Excaligasm, the greatest dildo of all times!“
I grab Excaligasm and my body moves on it's own, falling into a perfect fencing position to cross dildos and fishes with Skipper.
„How do I suddenly know how to fence, I've never done it before in my life? Even if you know how to fence, Excaligasm, I'm the wielder and executing the moves, right?“
I ask the dildo in my hand with a curious expression.
The dildo's immediate answer is:„Don't question the plot! Fencing is one of my five talents and they don't have to make sense to you. But if you keep quit now and ignore the plot holes, I'll help you out later with my hacking skills and the entire Karma Sutraa.“
„I'll remind you of that Karma Sutraa thing later, but for what do you need hacking?“
To my puzzled remark, Excaligasm only mysteriously says: „You'll see...“
Suddenly the stockfish strikes down and I have to fend of the jumping penguin. He's amazingly agile but I'm not giving him any ground. Striking many low sweeps I keep Skipper jumping, he looks like a fluffy bouncing ball. SO CUTE!
But I can't be distracted now as he displays amazing capabilities in stockfish fencing, not letting up at all. This is probably the most epic show down between a dildo and a stockfish wielder in the entire history of fencing. I probably would have won by now if Excaligasm was any longer, but as both our weapons only are aound 30 cms long, I can't keep too much of a distance and am always within jumping distance of Skipper.
„Nobody will take Angelique away from me again! Furthermore, I will get into the lower feathers of any cute penguin I want to! You can't stop me! Also, I want some of your pancakes. The Penguin Federation has declared your pancakes a national objective of the highest priority. If you don't agree to my demands and delusions, I will castrate you with this stockfish.“
Skipper has entirely lost it. He's even confirming it himself. Though I could continue fencing for the rest of the day, it's getting boring when Excaligasm controls the moves and Skipper can't do shit to me. I decide to end it once and for all, I withdraw Excaligasm and take a new posture, shutting out the dildo's control over me.
„What are you doing master Protagonist? If Skipper runs up to you, you won't be able to fend him off!“ Excaligasm panics, surprised by my actions.
Skipper grins at Excaligasm's shout, rushing towards me while holding the stockfish in line with his body. His eyes lighten up and he screams at the top of his lungs:
„It ends now, Protagonist!“
It's now or never! I'm waiting for the perfect timing, step with my right foot back to adjust the distance, shift my weight a little and finally kick Skipper like a football, or a soccerball as some people wrongly call it, and let the penguin fly in a beautiful arc through the trees on the edge of the clearing.
„„„GOOOAAAL!“““
Char, Lucky and Joy shout whilst emptying the next glass of Wiser's.
Joy runs over and gives me a big sweet kiss, forcing her tongue in my mouth , entertwining it with mine and playing around for a good 20 odd seconds. I can hear whistling from my two bros and grasp my naughty nurse like the sailor did his on that famous WWII photo.
After this moment of glory I step into the forest with Lucky and Char, looking for little Skipper. After a few seconds we see him lieing bruised and battered against a tree trunk, the stockfish fallen from his hand. I walk up to him as he slowly forces his his eyes open and whispers:
„Finish it. Give me the last strike of mercy. I don't want to commit suicide for having failed my mission. I was happy to have a great enemy like you at the end. Although your choice of weapon seems to be a weird kind of fish, your skills are the real deal. My only regret is to leave behind my sweet Angelique. No. It is no regret. That one is a bitch.“
He closes his eyes, waiting for the end to come. He really must have thought about his last words just know, they were surprisingly manly for him.
„Hey, you just need my pancakes to finish your mission, right? Let's make a contract. I will make you the sole distributor for my pancakes in the Penguin Federation, if you supply me with enough materials for production and enough money to live the sweet life with Joy and any chick I fancy.
You convert and my bro Lucky here will take care of your problem with Angelique, also giving you a massive dick by penguin standards if you become his prime missoniary and messiah in the Penguin Federation. But to seal the deal, I want enough fluffy penguin feathers to stuff the matresses and pillows in my future huge mansion. Are you in, little Skipper?“
The fluffy penguin nods. Lucky writes up a contract and pricks our three fingers and wings with a little needle to seal it with blood. A blood contract with the devil, er, I mean a god. Check that of my bucket list.
„Skipper, the father of Angelique's kids is Kowalski. I heard you were going to anally rape him on your way back. Take a little detour around the world to have your thorough revenge with him. Don't kill him though as he's also a follower of mine.“
Lucky holds to his earlier word of telling the children's father. Skipper's eyes got their life back, now with a dangerous glint to them. His manhood seems to have grown, too. I'm glad to have Lucky as my bro. He's honourable and can enlarge penises in seconds. Not that I need it, but sweet trick.
Skipper waves us goodbye and runs to the submarine. We can hear cries of pain and pleasure as it sinks into the ground again.
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Skipper and Kowalski are not going to appear in this story again. They took a two-year detour on the way back to the Penguin Federation, leaving Kowalski's butt utterly destroyed. With the money he made trading pancakes, Skipper got so wealthy that he ended up buying the government of his nation, turning it into a sultanate and establishing his own harem. However, he broke up with the unfaithful Angelique as he could help himself to any penguin pussy he wanted with his immense wealth and, ahem, size. Under his rule, the doctrine of Satan became the state religion of the Penguin Sultanate. His business relationship and friendship with Protagonist continued until the end of his short penguin life.
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Lucky was also saying his goodbyes to his new brothers, but the three would remain close until the end of time. A parting gift for Protagonist was making his final shot of certain impregnation a reality and he supplied Char's plasma cannon with an infinite energy source.
He would later on help Char ascend to godhood as the god of tits and whisky and Protagonist in usurping the god of mapleism and attaining the godhood of pancakes, together becoming becoming the three prime deities of the entire universe. They would continue their sexparties with their followers for eternity, just as Char and Protagonist had planned.
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Char took twenty nurse Joys as his concubines with him before leaving the Earth with his Gundam, only returning every so often to party with his bros. On the first return trip he brought another Gundam for his best bro Protagonist, as Lucky could roam the universe freely as a god. He by himself took interspecies breeding to another level on several planets, in the end taking over the United Starforce through multiple family connections he established himself and sharing Protagonist's godly pancakes with the universe.
After attaining godhood and leaving the United Starforce behind, his numerous children started the most complicated succession war ever in the history of history.
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And lastly we come back to Protagonist with nurse Joy, Persian and Excaligasm. Seeing the events of the day resolving without problems and with great opportunities for the future, they set out to built their giant mansion. Protagonist established the Empire of Pancakes, conquering the world with an army of pancake fanatics and support from his mentor Giovanni. The appearence of his Gundam solidified his rule and the royal dildo
Excaligasm became the official scepter and seal of the empire, choosing the successive worthy emperors and ensuring world peace. Dildo fencing went on to become the most popular sport in the empire.
The only other nation Protagonist allowed to exist for a short period of time was the Penguin Sultanate. After Skipper's death, the penguins submitted peacefully and willingly to become a province of the Empire of Pancakes. This was accomplished by public vote with 100% of acceptence by the penguin people after a three day pancake shortage following the demise of their leader.
Having unified the world, Protagonist ascended to godhood, taking with him his first wife Amanda and his second wife Nekola, granting both of them eternal life. You are asking who Amanda and Nekola are?
Well, the story of that fated day of the beginning of all these events hasn't ended yet. There are still a few last details to tell.
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On the way back from the clearing, I am already sketching a plan in my mind to topple the world order with the power of my pancakes. I vowed in my heart I would someday rule the world. Entirely captivated by my genius idea, I suddenly get interrupted by Excaligasm once more.
„...and thus I, Excaligasm, ended up as the final weapon of a great ruler once more. Hey, Protagonist, you again didn't listen properly, right? Well, nevermind that, remember how I promised you I would help you out earlier?“
„Oh, right, I can't wait to apply all of your Karma Sutraa knowledge! Nurse Joy, time to get naughty!“
„No no, first I'll use my hacking skills for your benefits.“ Excaligasm seems quite pleased with himself as he stops me from getting right down to it. Or on it. It being nurse Joy.
„I'm sorry, I just can't see what your hacking is going to help me with...“
„Just trust me for a second and let me take control.“
I take Excaligasm in my hand and it urges forward and down, finally touching my cute Persian in front of me. I see persian as green numbers on a black background, like the Matrix is having a problem with its visuals.
Persian's contour starts flimmering for a second and changes, taking on the normal colors again. But Persian looks vastly different now. She's taken on a humanoid shape but keeping her smooth cat ears and her fluffy tail. Plus, she is stark naked. I'm delightedly speechless.
„Meow. Rawr. Hello master, I am a naughty kitten. Please name me, nyaaa.“
She spoke! Persian spoke! Boy am I glad Giovanni gave me a female Persian. With the tail and ears, her hourglass figure and her huge tits she's a perfect nekomimi! My kitty love ignites and I'm in ecstasy. I don't even really notice Excaligasm dragging me off and touching Nurse Joy. I turn to her but this time there are no visible changes.
I stare at nurse Joy intendly and say:
„We're keeping Nekola. That's her name. It's similar to neko and Nicole and she's cute and I want her!“
Nekola comes over while purring. She licks her feline teeth.I want to feel that cat's tongue, too! „Nyaa“, she says, „I love that name! Master is the best. Nekola wants master, too. I also want to play with the beautiful sister with pink hair. Let's make many many many kittens together, nyaa.“
Joy seems to take that declaration quite well. Excaligasm whispers to me:
„I have rewritten Persian's and nurse Joy's data, allowing for the developement of individual personas. However, I left the closet pervert code untouched for you, Master. I also added the same option for Persian and increased both their fertility rates, the last thing on Lucky's request.“
„Excaligasm, you are the greatest dildo and hacker I have ever known! Can we make more nekomimis? And bunnygirls? What did you change in nurse Joy's code?“
I am interrupted by nurse Joy saying to me:
„Honey, I have chosen a name for myself. I am not one of many replaceable nurse Joys anymore. Please call me Amanda or my naughty nurse from now on.“
I turn around to see Amanda having undone her braids, letting her hair flow down freely. She looks just like the perfect girl in my strike zone.
„I've always wanted to try another hairstyle“, she says, „I like it a lot more like this. What do you think? Don't I look a lot sexier now? But that's not the best thing Excaligasm did for me.“
She inches closer once more, her breath is now tickling my ear and I can smell the perfume in her hair. It has a slight aroma of musk with a sweet promise for a long night ahead. Finally, she whispers:
„He removed my language filter, I can dirty talk now. Make kittens with Nekola and me honey, fuck us until the end of days!“
Spoiler :
For the *BEEPS* among you:
I know some people will suffer sleepless nights, trying to understand what all the *BEEP*s stand for. In order to help you, here is a list translating every *BEEP* in order of appearance:
fucking, asshole, fucking, bitch, bastard, fucking, cunt, fucker, bullshit, cunt, fucker, cussing, fuck, fucking, boner